Coping strategies needed (probably tmi)

[Toastandstrawberryjam]

This isn't an easy subject to ask about and possibly some people will find it distasteful and for that I apologise.

I need coping strategies to help me get through having sex with my H. For reasons I can't go into leaving is not an option for a few years. It just isn't. I wholly wish it was.

But because we are not intimate with each other (my choice) tension is very high in the house. Intolerably so. The only answer to this (and I know because I know it's all that works) is for me to recommence relationships with a man who quite frankly makes my skin crawl. He is EA and has no respect for me, not exactly a turn on.

The last time I finally gave in after a month of demands, I felt ill and dirty for days afterwards. Is there anyway (other than getting very drunk) I can cope better with this? Meditation gets me through the act, so to speak but the thoughts afterwards are the problem.

I'm wondering if it's better done in the morning, hold it together and get the kids to school after then a very hot bath and try to blot it out. Sleeping afterwards never works.

I know it shouldn't be like this. I just need help getting the next few years out of the way. Any ideas?

Toast, not sure if you're still on here, but I hope you're ok

I take back my disclaimer!

HaveaO sorry but I really doubt links to court cases are what the OP needs. It is very hard 'seeing' and accepting that this kind of thing is happening to you when it is happening, and recognising it is wrong and you need to put your own needs first. I doubt Toast is used to thinking about what she needs. I would imagine court cases would seem very far from relevant.

Toast hope you are ok if you are still reading.

HaveaO I really don't think you know what you're talking about. The majority of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows - and the majority of rapes do not include any other violence other than the act of rape itself.

A lot of people think the majority of rapes include hitting or holding down, when coercion, intimidation and psychological force are actually the norm. Having sex when you don't want to is rape, however you spin it. Having sex because you're scared to say no to your husband or you can't leave him for financial reasons or you're so ground down you don't think you have any rights any more is rape.

OP, please talk to somebody. You don't have to live like this.

have don't think anyone suggested she go to court for a rape conviction. how would that help?

They suggested she go to WA. which would help. this is DA.
They suggested she go to the police- they can log this and the EA, which will help if the OP needs legal aid at a later date.
And I suggested she might explore an occupation order with the police and her solicitor if that would help.

And they suggested she say no. which she is legally and morally entitled to do.

I am still lost as to what your angle on this was. the OPs question was mote can I take my h to court.

Lurcio. Rape has to be structured in law. If no cases like this, even if it could be proven what the man is doing, is not classed ever anywhere in any country as rape, then it probably isnt technically rape is it? Hence the need for linked court cases in this instance.

Else the op may end up going down more wrong paths in her life.

To my mind, if the op has never tried to say no, I dont see how there is a case to answer, though I could be wrong.

[If btw, op, you want all this talk about rape on here to stop, please post so].

Turning back to the important issue: OP - I get what you're saying about not being able to leave. My sister believed this about the abusive relationship she was in for many years. And when they eventually did split, her ex was able to spin things to get much more custody than he deserved and to cause an enormous rift between her and her daughters.

But what you're putting up with is rape, and (going off what other posters have said on other threads) it does help to name it as such, because there is so much social pressure to minimise this kind of thing. I've seen many women post very movingly about how accepting this helped them to get out of the situation and start to rebuild their lives afterwards.

I am no longer going to engage with Havea0 because he/she seems to be both a bit thick and thoroughly insensitive, so there's nothing to be gained from further attempts at conversation.

Why would I lie about what my BIL does?! Not wanting to out myself here, I have professional and academic experience in this topic and BIL and I have talked in depth and shared knowledge about the rape and abuse spectrum and the laws and statues pertaining to these topics.

But aside from that, what is this fixation with court cases? As I, and others keep pointing out, the OP can go to the police or WA without a court case even being out on the table. The police and other agencies are not going to turn their backs on someone just because they can't guarantee a conviction!

You are using this whole court case issue to try to legitimise your need to minimise and deny rape and domestic abuse. You might thinkit is a clever way to not look like an apologist, but trust me, it is fooling nobody.

OP, I am so sorry that an abuse minimiser has hijacked your thread to hammer home some ignorant personal agenda. Please ignore the stuff about court cases and being laughed at. The police, Wa, and others, are there to help. They want to help. They will give you whatever help you can cope with, be it just giving you heads up on what is legal or not in marriage in terms of sex, etc., info on this reason that is making you stay, they can help you leave, log incidences, and so on. You need never take your auser to court and yet receive high levels of support and care.

I don't think Strawberry should go to the police. She just needs to be encouraged to believe that she doesn't have to have sex with anyone she doesn't want to. It seems that she doesn't quite understand that, and quibbling over semantics and the law isn't going to help her.

I don't think we should derail the thread.

Oh, and what Lurcio says ^^ about ignoring.

Katy, I agree that she doesn't have to go to the police if she doesn't want to,BUT she needs to know how the police could help her if she does. Havea0 is presenting ignorant crap that could really put a victim off approaching the police if Have was believed.

Katy i agree. she needs to be encouraged that she can say no. she asked the question up thread.

So yes toast you can say no. try saying no for a while. try stretching two weeks to three. see what happens. keep saying no if you can. You do not have to pay this man to be nice to his own children. you do not have to agree to sex because he is your husband. you do not owe him this. he is not entitled. and he can live without it.

You do what you hAve to to stay safe at the end of the day. but yes absolutely. You are within your rights morally, legally as an independent human being to say no. no i do not want to do this.

Toast if you can manage to name this as rape then I agree with what Lurcio says about that being the start of understanding what is happening to you and then you can move on and rebuild your life. Which seems to be what you want as you said yourself you are not scared of single parenting.

You could talk to Rape Crisis about your situation. Even though you probably think it isn't rape. You could probably email your local branch if you don't feel you can explain your situation on the phone. They would understand and support you whether you choose to call this rape or not. If you wanted anything logged with the police you can ask them to arrange contact with the police for you. They can help you with mediating with the police so you don't have to even ring up yourself and try to get through to the right police contact and explain yourself. They can help you with all of this if you just ask them.

Haveo you say that Mumsnet is not the law, but you seem awfully happy to pronounce on it and set yourself up as the CPS.

Why all the ganging up on haveo? It's crazy. I am sure that everybody here - haveo included - agrees that the situation the OP describes is hideous. However, it is also - for want of a better word - a slightly bizarre scenario. With the best will in the world, getting a rape conviction out of the current set of circumstances is pie in the sky - and that's before we even consider that the OP's partner may have a different tale to tell. Sorry if people dont like that but shooting the messenger helps nobody.
There also seems to be a quite ridiculous one-upmanship developing on this thread in terms of who is seen to be giving best support to the OP. Frankly, people need to grow the fuck up.

Ageof - no one's saying that OP should go to the police because it'll result in a conviction. I agree entirely that it would be very, very unlikely to result in a conviction (and in any case, that sort of level of extra stress probably isn't what OP wants).

Nonetheless, what is being done to OP (being coerced into sex because her life/the life of her children will be made unbearable otherwise) is rape - not just bad sex, or a misunderstanding, or a mismatch in sex drives. And time after time I've seen women who've escaped from abusive situations say that one of the key things to finding the strength to escape was a willingness on the part of someone - a friend, a relative, someone from WA, a police officer, a stranger on the internet - to name the abuse for what it was - rape (not rubbish sex), domestic violence (not just a little shove which isn't actually a full blown punch).

That's what I think most of us are trying to say, and resorting to barrack-room-lawyer stuff either minimises or derails. A note of caution about what might reasonably be expected from the police is one thing (they can't wave a magic wand, and this is the sort of case which probably wouldn't make it to court much less to a conviction), but randomly banging on about one's own (clearly ill-informed) interpretation of law based on wikipedia when other, much better informed posters have tried to explain why this isn't helpful, is quite another.

People are 'ganging up' on havea0 because he/she is talking nonsense. Nonsense. As are you age. What relevance whatsoever does 'the tale' her husband might have to tell have? Seriously, what relevance whatsoever? Also what is helpful about labelling this 'a bizarre situation'- does this mean we shouldn't treat it as what it clearly is to everybody else apart from you and havea0? Why don't you both just do one.

Ageof, the grand illusion part of your username is very apt here

Again, what is this fixation with conviction? Suggesting you shouldn't go to the police if you can't secure a conviction is like saying no-one should play tennis unless they could make it to Wimbledon!

And the OP's situation is NOT 'bizarre'. Calling it something like that is shaming and isolating. Victims already blame themselves, and thinking that their scenario is really weird could make them think that it is their fault it has got so bad, think that if it is weird, no-one will believe them, understand it or grasp the details properly, or they might think that bizarre equals incredibly extreme and the enormity of tackling it feels too much.

A quick glance through just the first page of the Relationships section will tell anyone that what the OP os going through is depressingly normal. There are a lot of women out there feeling like they haven't got a choice but to submit to a man fucking them. A lot of women suffering EA. A lot of women believing it is their lot in life to have to tolerate such awful sex (abuse, rape). A lot of women believing they cannot say no, or fearing the repercussions if they do. A lot of women believing sex like that will keep him sweet to the kids. It's not bizarre, it should be, but it's not.

While yesterday I found this thread really sad & I felt so sorry for the op.... Today I'm more inclined to want to shout .... FFS.. Life is way too short & precious to live a life like yours!!!

My mum suffered years of dv physical & emotional at the hands of my dad... Her advice recently to another female family member... Was get out now..... There is so much help out there compared to when she tried to leave my dad... The Police refused to help her saying it wasn't a Police matter!! Even a solicitor told her she's better off putting up with it & how did she think she would feed her kids without a man!!!! (Early 1970's)!!

From my point if view... Don't underestimate how much your kids will pick up on & the long term damage it does!!

At no point does the OP say she is being coerced. Is this guy threatening her to have sex? Is he using force? For sure, the OP feels life is easier when she has sex with him from time to time - two weeks she suggests. But that does not constitute being coerced.

She might not even recognise it as coercion/label it as coercive but that doesn't mean it isn't!!

Age, do you have any idea or comprehension of how emotionally and psychologically difficult it would be to realise that you are being coerced into sex by the man you are married to and have children with?? And moreover, after this realisation to actually put a name to it and accept it as coercion?? From what the op has said this is obviously the case. I have a genuine question for you, do you view it as coercion, and if not, what DO you view it as?

She's said she doesn't want it, to the point where she's bathing in dettol and the idea of initiating makes her want to throw up. She's said that her husband knows she doesn't want it, but goes ahead anyway. She's said that she thinks he likes the idea that she doesn't want it.

And you think there's no coercion going on?

Seriously age, if this is not coercion why don't you name it for us.