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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Relationships

Coping strategies needed (probably tmi)

343 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 15/09/2013 10:14

This isn't an easy subject to ask about and possibly some people will find it distasteful and for that I apologise.

I need coping strategies to help me get through having sex with my H. For reasons I can't go into leaving is not an option for a few years. It just isn't. I wholly wish it was.

But because we are not intimate with each other (my choice) tension is very high in the house. Intolerably so. The only answer to this (and I know because I know it's all that works) is for me to recommence relationships with a man who quite frankly makes my skin crawl. He is EA and has no respect for me, not exactly a turn on.

The last time I finally gave in after a month of demands, I felt ill and dirty for days afterwards. Is there anyway (other than getting very drunk) I can cope better with this? Meditation gets me through the act, so to speak but the thoughts afterwards are the problem.

I'm wondering if it's better done in the morning, hold it together and get the kids to school after then a very hot bath and try to blot it out. Sleeping afterwards never works.

I know it shouldn't be like this. I just need help getting the next few years out of the way. Any ideas?

OP posts:

Report

TaudrieTattoo · 15/09/2013 11:05

Oh God, I'm still here...

OP, I thought I couldn't end my marriage. I put up with being unhappy for ten years. Nothing like as bad as the scenario you describe, but bad enough for me to want to leave.

Then I did it. Nobody died. The world kept turning. I'm happy now.

You can leave. Under any circumstances other than a gun to your head and a locked door, you CAN leave.

KatyTheCleaningLady · 15/09/2013 11:05

Once a fortnight won't do it. It will escalate. I think you should refuse sex and deal with the fallout. Your children will be ok with it. You can't hide the fact that he's an asshole from them.

Toastandstrawberryjam · 15/09/2013 11:05

Oh sorry missed that question - no not visa/custody. It's complicated but not in that way.

OP posts:

Repeatedlydoingthetwist · 15/09/2013 11:06

Completely agree with all Tawdry said. This is in no way healthy for your DC's and I suspect will end up damaging them further.

TaudrieTattoo · 15/09/2013 11:07

If you told us the situation, I'm sure someone on here will be able to talk you through the possibilities of leaving.

Then namechange.

HidingFromDD · 15/09/2013 11:09

Honestly, Toast, I think you need to look at what you are expecting things to be like a few years down the line. You need to be able to get out of this situation with the children safe, but with you whole and able to cope as well. Unless you can manage that extreme reaction then there's a distinct possibility that if you go this route you'll be irreversibly broken and that won't help the children at all.

If that's the case, you need to look at the alternatives, which is managing the tension. Would it be an option to tell him to go elsewhere? There's plenty of 'casual' dating sites around.

And I know that none of these are good examples for the children, the ideal situation is to leave and it may be that you could work it so it happens a lot quicker once you've got the plan 'in motion'

CailinDana · 15/09/2013 11:10

If someone said your children had to spend the next few years living with a rapist would you be ok with that?

Toastandstrawberryjam · 15/09/2013 11:10

I have suggested he goes elsewhere. I've even tried to engineer situations to that end. Doesn't work.

I'm working on the leaving but I have to be realistic. I might be able to speed it up abit but not a lot.

OP posts:

KatyTheCleaningLady · 15/09/2013 11:11

I was thinking of how I'd cope if I were literally being held prisoner or something. If this is a visa thing, that could be similar.

But, I don't think appeasement is a good idea. If his goal is to make your life miserable, then he will press on and find what does hurt you.

Why is the sex awful? For emotional reasons or because of the actual things he does? I'm not sure it makes a difference, really. I'm just trying to understand what's going on.

Toastandstrawberryjam · 15/09/2013 11:11

He isn't a rapist if I agree.

He won't rape me. Eventually it will be so miserable here I will give in. And then everyone will be happy again. Apart from me which is why I need to make it ok for me.

OP posts:

LisaMedicus · 15/09/2013 11:12

Would just sucking his cock work for you and get him off your back? Could you tolerate it, particularly if he was lying down so harder for him to choke you?

TaudrieTattoo · 15/09/2013 11:12

So, it's a case of him refusing to leave?

And you can't leave because...?

MrsMinkBernardLundy · 15/09/2013 11:12

You could take it elsewhere to discuss if it is sensitive.

Will pm you. hope this is ok.

I have to say you could try once a fortnight but I suspect that once he realise you are only doing it to stop him being mean to your lids he will be mean more often to get sex more often. being mean to the dcs gets him a reward. (this is not your fault! This is just the way abusers work. they have worked out that being abusive nasty Twunts gets themwhat they want and once one need is met they have more)

TaudrieTattoo · 15/09/2013 11:12

Yes he is.

SUCK HIS COCK??

Oh for the love of Christ.

Toastandstrawberryjam · 15/09/2013 11:13

It's not awful for any kinky reasons. It's just that he really dislikes me. Belittles me and has no respect for me and then I'm supposed to do that? To me it's something you do in love or I guess lust. Neither of those are here, it's just ownership for him.

OP posts:

forumdonkey · 15/09/2013 11:13

I really can't get my head round this.

I don't care about the tension directed at me. But when he's miserable to the children? Ignores them and patronises them You want to LTB, your DC's are suffering but you won't leave yet. I know I don't know the reasons why you chose to put yourself and your DC's through this but is it really worth hanging on any longer?

KatyTheCleaningLady · 15/09/2013 11:13

What is he saying about sex? And what does he do to make your life unbearable in the meantime?

ALittleStranger · 15/09/2013 11:13

Jesus Lisa are you deliberately goading the OP?

CailinDana · 15/09/2013 11:14

If he knows you don't enjoy it and goes ahead anyway that is rape.

KellyHopter · 15/09/2013 11:14

There is no "can't" leave.
There is weighing everything up and opting to stay because there's some benefit in doing so. And that's fine, but you're doing what so many people do and claiming you can't go, and that will just encourage people to assure you that you can.
If he is a shit father then you can't change that. Fucking him won't change that.
Your children have zero control over this situation. I'll save my pity for them.

dreamingbohemian · 15/09/2013 11:15

If you haven't talked to Women's Aid or social services, then I don't believe you are well informed as to whether you can leave or not.

I suspect your counselor does not agree you are trapped, but is trying to get you to come around to the realisation that you can leave sooner.

You are not detached because you are dealing with it. You are detached because you are traumatised and not free.

I've been raped. I'm not going to give you tips on how to cope with it because it's not your only option.

If you give us even an inkling of why you think you can't leave, we can help you. Let us solve that problem for you, we're good at that.

Blondeorbrunette · 15/09/2013 11:16

Suck his cock!

Sweet Jesus

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TaudrieTattoo · 15/09/2013 11:16

He knows you don't want to have sex with him.

Instead of treating you well and lovingly, he coerces you over a long period of time by making life so unbearable for you and your children that you eventually lie down and open your legs for him.

He has sex on a woman with gritted teeth and a dry vagina.

This cheers him up, until he starts feeling horny again and the cycle restarts.

He's a rapist.

KatyTheCleaningLady · 15/09/2013 11:17

If it's his hatred of you that makes you feel like that, then I don't think any amount of lying back and thinking of England will help. You can disassociate, but you will not be able to reintegrate later.

MrsMinkBernardLundy · 15/09/2013 11:19

Op I am afraid it is rape. he is coercing you into having sexwith himwhen he knows full well you don't want to. the coercion may not be physical but it is still coercion. and it is the fact that it is rape that is making you react so badly and so physically.

He is a rapist and a sadist.

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