Coping strategies needed (probably tmi)

[Toastandstrawberryjam]

This isn't an easy subject to ask about and possibly some people will find it distasteful and for that I apologise.

I need coping strategies to help me get through having sex with my H. For reasons I can't go into leaving is not an option for a few years. It just isn't. I wholly wish it was.

But because we are not intimate with each other (my choice) tension is very high in the house. Intolerably so. The only answer to this (and I know because I know it's all that works) is for me to recommence relationships with a man who quite frankly makes my skin crawl. He is EA and has no respect for me, not exactly a turn on.

The last time I finally gave in after a month of demands, I felt ill and dirty for days afterwards. Is there anyway (other than getting very drunk) I can cope better with this? Meditation gets me through the act, so to speak but the thoughts afterwards are the problem.

I'm wondering if it's better done in the morning, hold it together and get the kids to school after then a very hot bath and try to blot it out. Sleeping afterwards never works.

I know it shouldn't be like this. I just need help getting the next few years out of the way. Any ideas?

[TaudrieTattoo]

I think having a go at the OP is unhelpful. She is clearly so ground down by her horrible life that she is no longer in a position to be able to make good decisions. It's easy to judge from a position of strength.

OP, you need to get strong so you can make the only decision left to make, for yourself and your children. Allowing yourself to be raped on a regular basis will not get you where you need to be.

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

Thank you for answering my question but now I just dont understand. If there's nothing physically stopping you, if single parenthood is what you strive for, then please get the hell out.

[Havea0]

You have been on here before havent you? You are the poster who is staying for the children? Cant quite remember all the details.

[Teeb]

Op you are allowing your children to grow up in an abusive home with a rapist. I don't believe they can be happy like this, not now and certainly not as they become older and understand more. You need to understand that you are responsible for their safety and you are leaving them damaged. Don't think you can take the brunt of the abuse and it doesn't filter down to your children because it absolutely does. Are you comfortable with that?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You will also do your fair bit to giving these children damaging lessons about relationships if you go ahead with this madness.

Your children pick up on all this tension, is this really the legacy you want to be leaving them?. Is this what you want to teach them about relationships?. They will be just further traumatise them as adults.

No reason is good enough to stay, no matter how complicated or complex it may appear to be. There is no justification for staying.

There are around 63 million people in this country, what are the chances realistically of you being outed?.

[LividofLondon]

Toast, I really think it's a shame you can't/won't leave. But in the meantime can you make him use condoms whenever you have sex? They can create a barrier between you and him. Not coming into contact with his semen may help you feel less soiled afterwards. Use lube too so you don't have to worry about being dry if that's an issue.

[TaudrieTattoo]

Oh Lord, enough with the lube and condoms. Really.

[Toastandstrawberryjam]

I'm sorry to those who don't understand. My solicitor understood. As did the women from CAB and my counsellor and a few close friends. I have reasons, they are good ones.

Actually it's advice like condoms I need. I do make him use those as that does help.

[Havea0]

That particular poster, who I suspect is the same one here, will not leave, absolutely will not part from her husband, as she wants them to continue having 2 parent together and a "happy" childhood. If I remember correctly, there were about 300 posts suggesting leaving and ways to leave etc, and she did not budge. She wont do it, no matter the consequences to her.

op., as you can seem the situation has now got worse for you, and will only get even worse. It will start to affect your mental health greatly. If at some point in the future you do leave, your mental health may be so affected that the growing up years of your childrens lives may be effectively ruined. And I am sure, very sure, that this is the opposite of what you want to happen. In fact, worse case scenario, your husband may well end up looking after them almost exclusively.

Do you want either of those things to happen?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

She will destroy her own relationship with her own children because as adults they will not want to know her. They will instead despise her for being weak and staying with their brute of a father.

[Toastandstrawberryjam]

I can absolutely assure you I am not that poster.

[TaudrieTattoo]

Just tell us what's stopping you, otherwise this thread is a "How do I help my husband rape me?" thread, and that's not for Mumsnet.

[CailinDana]

Do the people who agree with you not leaving know that he punishes your children for you not having sex with him?

[EachAndEveryHighway]

Toast I don't see why you can't say the issue as to why you can't leave... You don't have to be so specific that you would 'out' yourself. You'd be surprised ... there is a wide breadth of posters' experiences on here, and people would be able to advise on an exit plan taking into account your circumstances.

What I'm saying is that someone somewhere must have been in a similarish situation and managed to get out.

I really don't think the EA will lessen if you let him have sex with you once a fortnight. He will find another focus to justify his anger and bad treatment of you and the dcs.

[KatyTheCleaningLady]

Well, OP, we can either believe you or not. If even CAB and your therapist agree that you have to be raped, then who are we to question that?

But is that what they are saying? Do they know about the abuse?

What would happen if you left? What would the consequences be?

[ALittleStranger]

Solicitor = job to maximise your financial and legal rights.
Women at CAB = volunteers, often give terrible advice.
Counsellor = I doubt she's endorsed this, the trick of counselling is to help you come to conclusions yourself.
Friends = Can be our own worst enemies as they do not want to challenge our own failings. Your friends are hardly going to point out the damage you're doing your children are they?

[BoulevardOfBrokenSleep]

If he walked out on you tomorrow, would that solve the problem that is keeping you there?

[forumdonkey]

You may have many people who understand why you won't leave but that doesn't mean they agree with your decision. I can understand why women can be scared to leave, feel they are financially unable to leave but that doesn't mean staying any longer is the right decision. Even if it was through sever ill heath putting yourself and your DC's through this is damaging and hellish for you all. Put your DC's needs before your own - being in this EA environment is as awful for them (more so) as it is for you and they should not be subjected to EA of being ignored and patronised.

[Toastandstrawberryjam]

Yes that would totally solve the problem.

I'm sorry I won't give my very specific reason. Of course my friends don't want this to happen but they are at a loss for other ways to solve this.

[TaudrieTattoo]

You need new friends.

[Toastandstrawberryjam]

I am putting their needs first not mine. And certainly not some ideal of a perfect family.

[dreamingbohemian]

Why are you talking to CAB and not Women's Aid? CAB can't actually do anything to help you. Women's Aid can put you in a refuge if you want.

[TaudrieTattoo]

You really, really aren't, OP.

Unless your children need to live with a rapist who puts them down and patronizes them. Which they don't.

[OxfordBags]

OP, you are living in a dream world if you think that staying in a relationship will create or maintain a happy homelife for your DC. Children know when things are wrong, very wrong. Without words, without fully understanding, they know, they sense, they feel it. And children, even teens, blame themselves.

Every day they spend in a home with a man who emotionally abuses his wife, who belittles them and treats them badly (EA towards them, btw), and with a mother who is treated that way, who seems to have mounting tension and fear and upset every few weeks over something they don't understand but get very worried and upset about nevertheless, is a day that further guarantess they will be damaged, forever. That they will be future abusers or victims. He is abusing you, but both of you are teaching your children that normal = man abusing his woman, woman taking the abuse.

No matter how lovely you are, how nice you make things for them, no matter how much you subsume your own pain and needs and out on a brave face, no matter how much you lie and make excuses and minimise to them, to make everything seem as nice and normal as possible, it is not working. They are being damaged and abused just by the mere act of having to live with a man like this, even if they don't know about the sexual abuse of you. And it is rape and sexual abuse, even if you give in.

If I was an adult or teen and found out that my mother was doing or had done this, i would not thank her for prostituting herself, for allowing herself to be raped and degraded, all to keep me in a home with a man who was a bastard towards me too. Apart from my hurt for her, it sould mkae me almost suicidally, unbearably guilty that she had undergone that for me. Martyrdom, allowing your self and body to be defiled, is not doing them or you any favours.

I am struggling to conceive of any situation, however extreme, where you wouldn't be able to leave a man like this. Any man, in fact. If the reason is because you fear he would be dangerous or something, then that is paradoxically even more reason to go.

You are doing the wrong thing for the wrong reasons. And I second what another poster upthread said about your counsellor. She would be horrified that you believe that skills you learnt with her are helping you do so. And if she condones this, you need to stop seeing her, because that is messed-up and unprofessional beynd belief.

Please leave,please please. Your thread terrifies me.