Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Considering calling police, will I be wasting their time?

115 replies

Wereonourway · 14/09/2013 21:28

I posted a cpl of weeks ago re my ex and nasty text messages, not really threatening just very verbally abusive.

I took advice and made new solicitors appointment rather than approach te police with a view to getting some sort of non molestation order against him.

My solicitor wasnt present when I went to appointment and has since failed to contact me to rearange(whole other thread, I hope to be able to get a new solicitor using existing legal aid claim, I've no idea if this is possible.

So last night ex texted me saying he "knew" I was seeing someone and basically asking where I was, where ds was etc.

I vocally respond saying none of your business, leave me alone. For the record I'm neither seeing someone and was at home in bed. As was ds

The texts started agin this afternoon basically saying I'm seeing someone who has a gf and kids, he hasn't named anyone but he has accused me of this before and I've not seen the person in question for years and not communicated with him in any way for over a year.

As it happens I wouldn't be interested in this person even if single.

So ex is obviously wound up, albeit unjustifiably.

Tonight he has driven past my house and texted to again ask where ds was as house was in darkness, ds was in bed and I was in back bedroom ironing.

Again I respond that he needs to leave me alone but do tell him that ds is at home in bed. He respond with "if you don't stop lying ill come round there and find out for myself".

This is the first time I've felt threatened and I do want to call the police I'm just scared that they will see this as a silly domestic which will waste their time.

In truth I genuinely believe ex has issues with some sort of personality disorder, he certainly has narc traits and I'm worried what will come next.

He has no reason at all to drive past my house(tucked away well back from main road, he has no friends nearby) and obviously he has no right to behave this way but is it criminal?

I've got to hand ds over at ten am tomorrow for contact and just know his behaviour will be icy and disrespectful at best so my mum is going to be around.

This is shit, I'm nothing but polite and calm towards him and I've dealt with this for over a year. Is rig police immediately if I knew they would understand. Just feel shit taking them away from crime and important duties

OP posts:
Orianne · 16/09/2013 18:12

It'll be fine, just have the texts ready to show WPC. You sound as though you're doing a great job with your wee boy under very difficult circumstances and that shows how strong you can be.

meiisme · 16/09/2013 18:12

Yes, it's sad when you have to turn to outside agencies to protect you from your X/DCs dad. But remember the relief you felt after you first spoke to them and on here. Being alone with the fear of what he might do is paralysing and isolating. Having the police and if necessary SS with you can help you break through that and move on. Remember that he did this!

Lweji · 16/09/2013 18:15

Sending strength vibes.

You can do it. You know it's the right thing to do.

Original poster
Wereonourway · 16/09/2013 18:16

Thank you ladies. My fabulous dad is here with me. I'll be open and honest and ask for as much help as they can give me.

Feel like I'm opening a can of worms yet I know its absolutely necessary. Feel like the clock has stopped!

OP posts:
Hissy · 16/09/2013 18:28

We're all with you lovey!

In a totally non-stalkery, more Ring of Mumsnet style!

Original poster
Wereonourway · 16/09/2013 21:21

So they've been. Or he has rather.

He will be serving him with an order tomorrow officially warning him against harassment, if there are any further incidents he will be taken to court..

Meanwhile ex has driven his nastiness up to a new level. Total coincidence as he doesn't yet know about police involvement.

He is threatening to not allow me to collect ds tomorrow morning unless I take his laptop back. His laptop is broken and unusable but the hard drive contains precious pics of ds(first hold, he was in incubator), first bath, first breast feed etc)

The pics were copies from my phone which he snapped in half.

He agreed to me taking laptop to retrieve said pics. I just haven't been able to afford to get it done.

Now he is demanding laptop tomorrow morning or he won't let me collect ds.

Police were aware of this but said they couldn't help.

I'm in such a state. I hate this, absolutely hate it

OP posts:
TimidLivid · 16/09/2013 21:40

Could u look up somone in the local area who fixes computer upgrades them and ask how much it would be to get done and see if your dad could lend you the money or even to remove the hard drive for you if it can be installed in another laptop at a later date then u can give him the laptop minus the hard drive .

TimidLivid · 16/09/2013 21:41

Sometimes there are tutorials on utube on removing hard drives then u can give him the shell don't tell him

betterthanever · 16/09/2013 21:52

Can you take someone with you to collect DS? He doesn't know that the police have said they will not get involved in that bit, will he have been given the warning before you collect? is so I would say given that the police are already involved it would be better to keep the contact as aranged and not create any more problems? if still no joy - you may have to speak to your sol about an emergency residence order.. he would be foolish to start excalating things but these people do.

YoniBottsBumgina · 16/09/2013 22:05

YY you can just remove the hard drive, although not sure if he would be happy with that. Check the screws though, sometimes they have star shaped screws which need special screwdrivers (you can buy them from computer shops but they are expensive)

If you can access the photos at all currently then create a free google account if you don't already have them and upload them all to Picasa which is google's photo storing app/website. You can set them to private so nobody else can view.

YoniBottsBumgina · 16/09/2013 22:07

What did they say they couldn't help with? As in they can't make him return him if he refuses or they can't make him let you keep the laptop? I suppose if the laptop is his property then legally you would have to give it back, but I don't see that he's allowed to withhold your CHILD over it.

Good idea to take someone with you and bluff it though.

Original poster
Wereonourway · 16/09/2013 22:23

I have told ex that I will return laptop on friday as I'm off work and dad has offered to pay to have pics removed.

The worst but about it is that he has a lot of my possessions and he owes me about £400 maintenance.

He is doing it to spite me and hurt me. There is no one available to come with me at all.

He still hasn't given a time to collect and I've no idea what he will do if I don't have laptop

I mentioned to police that he was insisting on laptop and said not to bother turning up without it and he said get legal advice ASAP. That was it.

Is emergency residence order an option?? I emailed my local women's aid outreach worker and she says she should be able to help me legally

OP posts:
Original poster
Wereonourway · 16/09/2013 22:25

I have told ex that I will return laptop on friday as I'm off work and dad has offered to pay to have pics removed.

The worst but about it is that he has a lot of my possessions and he owes me about £400 maintenance.

He is doing it to spite me and hurt me. There is no one available to come with me at all.

He still hasn't given a time to collect and I've no idea what he will do if I don't have laptop

I mentioned to police that he was insisting on laptop and said not to bother turning up without it and he said get legal advice ASAP. That was it.

Is emergency residence order an option?? I emailed my local women's aid outreach worker and she says she should be able to help me legally

OP posts:
betterthanever · 16/09/2013 22:48

yes, Op if nothing is in place and he is using a DC like that I would imagine a judge would order one, after that the police can be involved in it as after one is in place and he is not returing DC he would be breach of an order I think!! police are right about getting proper legal advice. Think it is time to play hardball - if you give him what he wants with the laptop it will be something else next time - you can't live like that and DS can't, it is not fair - what would he be saying to DS about where you are? DS needs to know what is happening and where he is going when and for how long - I know you know this but this would be the reason I was giving for a residence order.
You can only do so much - if you go to collect DS as was agreed and he says now, then speak to a sol and go for an emergcny residence order - I would not inform your ex about your plans.
Someone else may have more experience here - I know it is a balance so you don't make a bad situation worse but he must not use your DS as a weapon like this as he will do it again and it is harmful to DS.

TalkativeJim · 16/09/2013 23:30

I think I would look into getting an emergency residence order as a matter of urgency. If he's going to start threatening you with keeping your DS from you - and his own home - then he needs to be stopped, and dare I say it contact suspended. This is for your son's OWN GOOD - the damage your ex seems to be prepared to do to harass you clearly extends to unsettling and upsetting your son.

Get a residence order and then after that, send a sol's letter clearly setting out that any further threats and nonsense and you will suspend contact, and he can pay to take it to court.

Is there any way you can take a few burly friends to his to get your posessions? Are they at all valuable?

Original poster
Wereonourway · 16/09/2013 23:40

Thanks all. Am going to enquire re residence order.

My current solicitor isn't even responding to calls now so will have to find another one- hopefully with help of local women's aid.

My possessions are a tv, washer and Hoover.

I did manage to remove hard drive but it would have been obvious so have put it back in. I will hand it over if he shows any signs of kicking off about it and maybe seek legal advice about getting access to it to access photographs.

I'd be heartbroken to lose those pictures. And he knows it.

He has threatened similar before re pick ups, never followed through. I've been thinking for so long that I'm getting stronger when in fact I haven't been really.

Think I've got a rough road ahead. He has now responded with a pick up time- 7.20am. Ds is 2! And this isn't even early. Some drop offs have been before 7am bless him.

Surely a court will see that this isn't acceptable? I've said that if his work dictates him leaving at 7am then he should drop his overnight and just keep him til bed time but he refuses. It's against his rights etc.

Police also said a referral will be sent to social services, dreading this due to horror stories but hopefully they will see that ds is happy, well fed, well looked after etc

OP posts:
SouthernComforts · 16/09/2013 23:46

If I didn't know better I'd think we had the same ex! Unfortunately I waited too long and his behavior escalated before I called the police.

He also threatened to take dd, but never did. Can you have him visit ds with a neutral third party present from now on? Your dad?

You've done the right thing.

SouthernComforts · 16/09/2013 23:49

Oh yeah, they love their rights.

Ex contacted fathers for justice l because I wouldn't let him come to my house to see dd after he got out of the police station Hmm

Original poster
Wereonourway · 16/09/2013 23:50

Thanks southern. It will sometimes be possible for someone to be present, but not always.

It's such a crap situation because we could get on! I don't make any barriers to this whatsoeverZ

The residency order sounds like heavy going and its scared me a bit. I know I'll have to carry through with it though.

I'm scared ill go to effort and stress to be beaten iykwim? What if judge doesn't agree? What if he finds in exes favour?

OP posts:
SouthernComforts · 16/09/2013 23:56

Amazingly, me and ex do get on now, 2 years down the line.

At its worst though he would have gone to court and used anything he could think of against me, so I know how worried you must be.

After he was arrested he calmed down a lot. I refused to be bullied with passive aggressive pick up times etc. All contact went through my dad. Pick up at x time, drop off at y or don't come atall. One word wrong and I'll phone the police. Etc. Eventually we got back on an even footing.

SouthernComforts · 16/09/2013 23:56

Amazingly, me and ex do get on now, 2 years down the line.

At its worst though he would have gone to court and used anything he could think of against me, so I know how worried you must be.

After he was arrested he calmed down a lot. I refused to be bullied with passive aggressive pick up times etc. All contact went through my dad. Pick up at x time, drop off at y or don't come atall. One word wrong and I'll phone the police. Etc. Eventually we got back on an even footing.

SouthernComforts · 16/09/2013 23:58

Oh and have you contacted CSA about maintenance?

Lweji · 17/09/2013 00:04

Same as SC.

It included DV, but after putting foot down and involving the police at every step, exH has calmed down a lot.
I still detect hints of twatiness, but he is much more civil (even though I won't go anywhere near him yet).
Being nice takes us anywhere.

Original poster
Wereonourway · 17/09/2013 00:06

He is self employed southern so it's pretty pointless to be honest. I may do now though. May as well go go the clean sweep.

Contact hasn't been working for a while and ex has acknowledged that but refused to attend mediation despite my and mediators attempts to get him to.

I'm stuck really so residence order might be my only option. I have been afraid to change times or days but it needs to happen I'm just gonna have to utilise support and go full steam ahead.

Ds is the most amazing little boy and without all this ball ache in my life it would be perfect

OP posts:
Original poster
Wereonourway · 17/09/2013 00:08

Police did say to inform them of everything, however small to give civil side of things more weight. God knows how he will react tomorrow

Apparently he will be served with this non harassment order and non compliance could see him at court. He won't accept it for a second, doesn't believe in any way shape or form that he harasses or bullies.

But as I've said there's no need for any of it, none at all.

OP posts: