Please help me get through today.

[FuntimeFuschia]

I found out at about half four this morning that my H has been cheating with a woman he works with. Been suspicious for a few weeks, so checked his phone and there a delightful pic of her in a very gymnastic pose. He owned up pretty swiftly, probably because it was early hours and he'd woken up and realised both me and the phone were missing. Swears blind no sex, yeah yeah bullshit bullshit.
This has happened before, I found out just after ds was born and I chose to stay and work on it. I feel so fucking stupid.
We have to go to a wedding today. There is no way out of it. DC's have a lovely day out and sleepover with my mil and I don't want them to miss out. I don't know how to hold it together watching two very close mutual friends get married, in a church full of mutual friends. He has taken the dc out fora walk this morning to give me some space, but I can just see the day lasting forever. I have had two hours sleep, keep bursting into tears and just don't know what to do.
He's moving out tomorrow, our marriage is over, I am completely overwhelmed by the fallout to come. I feel lost.

[FuntimeFuschia]

Right, I have fired up my ancient laptop so hopefully this will be easier to keep up this thread as otherwise am on my phone which is really annoying.
So...he was out with her on Saturday night, but apparently didn't stay out all night so doesn't see why that was a problem I have made it VERY clear that when the DC are with him it does not mean he can leave them with his mum and go off on the piss with Toilet Knickers. He has already asked me when the kids can meet her - he was met with a stunned silence then I kind of stuttered about 6 months, I don't really expect them to last that long but if they do I will be better prepared to deal with it by then.
DS birthday went ok, he's had them for a couple of hours this morning and they'll be staying with him Friday/Saturday so that gives me a chance to go and see my lovely friend.

My sister leaves tomorrow :( but my mum will be over in the evening and other friends on Thursday evening so am being well looked after! Its the evenings I am dreading really.

HB application and Tax Credits are on the way, unfortunately this means that I will have no payments until the new claim kicks in, so I need to speak to the nursery as they ask for fees weekly. I get paid next week luckily, although that usually all goes on the rent so hopefully I will have a HB result before the next rent is due (4 weeks). He will be giving me a weekly amount, but no idea what yet. He only really earns NMW so I really don't know how much to ask for. I have told him I am prepared to go down the CSA route if he pisses about with money. Also all the bills that are currently in his name will remain so until I am more sorted. And I'm getting him off the tenancy agreement.

It's been a busy couple of days! I cannot believe its only Tuesday. All this activity is certainly keeping me going but I'm trying to ignore the emotional annihilation, not always successfully. I have changed his name to 'Cunt' on my phone which is childish but makes me snigger every time he rings or texts and have bought lots of fabulous underwear from Primark which I intend to leave out on the dryers 'accidentally'.

I want to get as much done as possible before I start unravelling. I am struggling to stay still at the moment.

[waltermittymissus]

The adrenalin from the shock is probably keeping you going right now. And you're absolutely right to capitalise on it!

Glad to hear you've people around.

Just remember to let yourself feel upset/angry/grieved or whatever too. Look after your emotions!

I'm not saying you should fall apart but nobody would expect you to be superwoman right now! Once everything is sorted, concentrate on you.

This arsehole has no idea what he had!

[Vivacia]

You're doing great fuschia. What a week, eh?

[LondonNinja]

You're a star. Keep going!

[MissStrawberry]

Bloody hell! Wants the kids to meet her already? they have such a selfish father. Silly fucker thinks you don't realise people can fuck in the day so don't need to sleep in the same bed "all night."

You are doing great .

[Hissy]

It's less than a WEEK and this wanker wants to introduce some loose knickered bint to his kids?

Fucking twatty man, he just wants to get the kids thing out of the way so that he can fuck this prize cow while they are on contact visits.

heaven forfend he goes without getting his end away for a night.

tell him that you won't allow him access himself if he is even thinking that is remotely appropriate.

Tell him to ask around, ask his family, his mum and the NSPCC to see if they think that is a good idea.

[skyeskyeskye]

This website might help you to calculate the maintenance and if he disagrees, then go through them and they can take it out of his wages.

www.nidirect.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

Regarding bills, as and when you can face it, make sure that you are getting the best deals for phone, tv, electric etc and get everything onto monthly direct debit if it isn't already. it will help you to budget.

Another great help is

www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/Budget-planning

It is a spreadsheet devised by Martin Lewis the Money Saving Expert and it helps you to work out your weekly/monthly costs for everything, including annual things like car tax.

I put Twunt into my phone as I no longer wished to see his name coming up. I will have to change it soon as DD is learning to read .

I agree on the contact thing with OW, it needs to be done properly and not for a good while yet. Your DC need to get used to the situation before he just brings her into it.

[FuntimeFuschia]

I am a shivering ball of rage today, I am on my own withthe dc and uunravelling fast. They are playing up massively and I have screamed at them. I hate him I hate him he is oblivious to the hell we are all in and is purely concerned with his new gf. He's not bothered to inform his family so I have dealt with the phone calls from fil and just about managed to not give him the gory details.
I am being polite and concerned with mil but I am sure he's given her a bullshit story whuch blames me ao I don't know how much longer I can be dignified and keep the moral high ground because I want to twist his fucking balls off.

[MissStrawberry]

Don't keep his dirty little secrets from his parents. Call them and say exactly what has gone one. You have done nothing wrong!

Stay strong.

[LondonNinja]

Tell his parents. Do not protect him!

Try to keep from taking it out on your DC. Can you get a friend or anyone to look after them this eve/later so you can do something physical (short of twisting his balls off?)? Kickboxing, running, swimming? You need to get that aggression and anger out somehow - it's adrenaline.

Channel your energy into building your life away from cuntface.

Do not protect him. Do not lie for him. Do fuck all for him.

[FuntimeFuschia]

I'm not taking it out on the dc, I am trying so hard not to shout at them and to deal with their questions and the tantrums and the nightmares and the wailing for daddy I can't see an end to this.
I have a friend arriving any minute and two more coming tonight so help is on it's way. I feel useless that I can't manage this alone. He's got them tomorrow till Saturday and although it sounds nasty I bloody hope they play up for him and bombard him with questions because I don't know how long I can do this.

[LondonNinja]

Sorry - I know what you mean. Hope I didn't offend.

Glad your friends are arriving soon. You must feel awful. Take up all offers of help and take some slow, deep breaths.

[skyeskyeskye]

FF it is so hard for the children. I hate my ex for putting DD through this, it's the thing I despise him most for.

Draw on all the support you can to get through this. I went onto anti depressants as I was simy crying all the time and it wasnt fair on DD. go and see your doctor if you get to the point that you can't cope.

Meanwhile, if the DC push your buttons, just walk away from them and calm down, have a fag, cup of tea, whatever makes you feel better then try again.

Don't protect him to his family. If anyine rings then simply say that he doesn't live there any more, that he is seeing someone else and say where they can find him.

You will get through this.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Agree with others - stop protecting him.
Tell everyone who asks and give them the gory details as well.
He deserves to squirm and suffer after what he's done.
I cannot believe he's wanting OW to meet the kids already!
He really has no idea at all.
Keep going - it does get easier - I promise.
Take all the help you can get and pray that they play him up no end!

[Ezio]

I agree with Hells tell every fucker who asks what happened, dont hold back, its not your shame to carry, its his and he can deal with it.

Say "Oh he cheated and immediately left to be with her, good luck to her"

[Thisisaeuphemism]

Agree with others - say what ezio said but you might add - I found out when she sent a photo of herself spread legged in the loo. This should be an image they will retain forever.

[FuntimeFuschia]

Thank you all again, have calmed down now. London Ninja, I'm sorry, was feeling a tad on the defensive. I'm trying so hard to minimise the impact on the dc that the suggestion I might be damaging them was just unbearable.
So friend has been and gone. She actually cried when she saw how ds has been :( sorting their tea now and just trying to keep going till they are in bed ans other friends arrive. Then I think I might have a bloody massive cry.

[SawofftheOW]

Oh I am so very, very sorry - your pain just leaps out. What a total and utterly cruel bastard and it is chilling how very fast these men just kick the door shut behind them and move on.

If he has any conscience it will be in the deep freeze at the moment since he has now aligned himself totally with the OW and you are just an inconvenient truth. He can't even begin to comprehend your agony because he is suffering none himself due to being in his bubble affair world. You may not be up to reading at the moment, although I was so febrile I couldn't sleep and reading helped, but I found real insight about the mindset of the betraying partner and my own reactions through reading Shirley Glass's 'Not 'Just Friends': Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity' - has Kindle version.

Please do go to your GP; I put off getting AD's as I was determined that I would be strong and could cope. I spiralled down very quickly though, not helped by the fact that I was unable to eat, but only got AD's about three months after discovery of DH's affair. They were a real salvation and I wish I had done it sooner. RL support from three wonderful girlfriends kept me alive and I am glad you have some. Mine all deserved a medal for their endless patience, practical help and tolerance as I went through the baptism of fire that this is. Thinking of you. x

[FuntimeFuschia]

You have totally articulated my thoughts on how he is being perfectly. He is in another world and I don't know this person, or how to communicate with him. I want him to acknowlege and recognise the devastation he has left but at the moment I don't think he is capable of that. So it's a waste of my time trying, I know this but I also want to pop his bubble. I KNOW that a few weeks or months down the line the penny will drop. And I hopeby then I will be tough enough to tell him to do one.
I am struggling to eat. I feel sick all the time and lile I'm going to choke.

[LondonNinja]

I didn't for one second think you are damaging your DC. Nooo. I'm with you all the way on this.

Any damage has been caused by that idiot who has gone off with Toilet Knickers Twat.

Have some soup or protein shakes. Keep hydrated. Small steps, FF. You'll get through this.

[LondonNinja]

You know, telling his family and your mutual friends what happened will help pop his little bubble...

[FuntimeFuschia]

Thank you. I have had some posh pot noodle thing which is staying down at least for now :) DC have calmed down a bit now thank christ. I hate to say it but I am looking forward to some peace and quiet tomorrow.I am very very tired.

[Thumbwitch]

Fuschia - when I was in your position but thankfully for me without DC, I lived on sweet weak coffee and bananas for 4 weeks. I couldn't swallow anything else, could barely chew without gagging. I lost 1.5stone! Bananas area a very useful staple at times like this.

I also agree with telling the family the truth - they may not want to believe it but at least it will be out there. He certainly won't be telling them the truth, so they might as well hear it from someone.

And yes - you will have been sidelined in his brain into "I don't want to think about this" - because if he were to think about it, he might feel guilty and he won't want to feel guilty so he won't think about it. And then when he starts to think about it, he will find ways to justify what he's done to reduce the guilt - which will involve plenty of rewriting history and somehow it becoming almost entirely your fault - and what was the poor bloke then supposed to do?
It's a well-worn template. Still fucking annoying.

[FuntimeFuschia]

Haha, the stupid prick has just collected the dc and he's had his hair shaved into a mohican, he looks ridiculous. He also sniped at me because when he asked me where their toothbrushes were I said he could get his own and I assumed he would have already done so and he got all "there's no need to be like this" which IIignored. He's getting off lightly considering what I want to say to him. Urgh. Am off to clear out the rest of his stuff.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

Oh god, he is having a crisis!

Well done for being strong in the face of such twatishness.

Enjoy some free time.