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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Please help me get through today.

142 replies

FuntimeFuschia · 14/09/2013 10:17

I found out at about half four this morning that my H has been cheating with a woman he works with. Been suspicious for a few weeks, so checked his phone and there a delightful pic of her in a very gymnastic pose. He owned up pretty swiftly, probably because it was early hours and he'd woken up and realised both me and the phone were missing. Swears blind no sex, yeah yeah bullshit bullshit.
This has happened before, I found out just after ds was born and I chose to stay and work on it. I feel so fucking stupid.
We have to go to a wedding today. There is no way out of it. DC's have a lovely day out and sleepover with my mil and I don't want them to miss out. I don't know how to hold it together watching two very close mutual friends get married, in a church full of mutual friends. He has taken the dc out fora walk this morning to give me some space, but I can just see the day lasting forever. I have had two hours sleep, keep bursting into tears and just don't know what to do.
He's moving out tomorrow, our marriage is over, I am completely overwhelmed by the fallout to come. I feel lost.

OP posts:

Report

FuntimeFuschia · 15/09/2013 13:50

I'm struggling to rein it in at the moment. I know full well that letting him have both barrels will just reinforce the bitter mad ex image although I am a bitter and mad ex right now but seriously? He's with her the next fucking day? I can't remember who said he would become someone I don't recognise but jesus that was on the ball!
This is a different ow, different scenario really it was all Internet based. This one is very much local and clearly the love of his life.

OP posts:

MissStrawberry · 15/09/2013 13:55

What a twat.

Do everything you can to protect yourself, your children, your finances etc and don't for one minute assume he will be fair about anything and do the right thing. If he does, a bonus. If not, you were prepared.

FuntimeFuschia · 15/09/2013 14:01

My plan is to make sure I can be financially independent of him. He was saying all the right things about money but I don't think that will last and I don't trust him to do the right thing. My friends are rallying round and I feel very lucky. And the bride clicked something was up and has been digging so she knows now and is also being lovely. I need to get through this day by day.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 15/09/2013 14:08

He was saying all the right things about money but I don't think that will last and I don't trust him to do the right thing.

You do right.

I'm lost about the number of women he's had on the go.

I need to get through this day by day.

I hope you continue to get the support you need here, for as long as you need it.

Thumbwitch · 15/09/2013 14:09

Absolutely you can NOT trust him an inch. To start with they have enough residual guilt to say that they will of course look after you, do anything to "make up for" the blow they've dished out to you - but that fades soon enough, especially if the OW has any input into it.

So - if you have a joint account, set up your own and decant the money into it before he can withdraw it. If you have separate accounts and access to his then go into it and screenshot how much his balance is before he can move the money and "cry poor".

Try and protect and lock down everything you can as soon as you can. Don't give him an inch. It's awful, but as you already don't trust him, you're already in a good place to realise he's going to be completely shit.

Always expect the worst from him from now on - and if he doesn't live down to it, then it's a nice surprise.

Remember this - the man you were married to has gone - he has been replaced by someone who looks the same but who is now able to show all hist least attractive attributes to you, because he no longer cares how you feel about him.

Vivacia · 15/09/2013 14:13

Is this the same OW as the first one or is she another unsuspecting idiot ?

I thought that was a bit unkind.

FuntimeFuschia · 15/09/2013 14:54

This gets worse. Saw mil before, she's very upset and we had a nice chat and a hug, but she said that ds had a nightmare and was very upset in the night, she had gone in to cuddle him, not his dad. He wasn't there, was he? I despise him for doing this to them.

OP posts:

MissStrawberry · 15/09/2013 15:00

They always do say the right things at the beginning until they realise you aren't going to roll over and get back in line and/or he can't fund his new shiny girlfriend and love nest.

He could have been there but couldn't be arsed to comfort his son .

Jux · 15/09/2013 15:11

What a FW. Well done getting through the wedding.

You are a strong woman and you will get through this.

FuntimeFuschia · 15/09/2013 15:45

You are all being amazing and it's helping me so much. Thank you.
I am tired again now but family arriving soon. It's ds birthday on Tuesday, h meant to be getting his present tomorrow. Do I remind him? I'm waiting for him to make the move regarding seeing ds on the day. Not spoonfeeding him. He needs to take the initiative I think.

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skyeskyeskye · 15/09/2013 15:48

It was me who said he will turn into someone who you no longer recognise :( They just walk out and check out and that's that as far as they are concerned. He will become selfish and it will all be about him.

Financially, don't trust a word he says. My XH said he would continue to pay in what he always had. I knew he couldn't afford that and sure enough it lasted a month, then he cut back. He cut that back again six months later when he moved out of his mates and into rented.

All you will be legally entitled to from him is CSA based maintenance. He may be responsible for half the mortgage but it doesn't mean he's going to pay it, mine didn't.

LondonNinja · 15/09/2013 16:15

Your poor DS. This makes me so angry. Your STBXH really is a shit.

Think you're being fab. Would buy a gift in case fuckface forgets - because let's face it, he seems to have forgotten what family means...

MissStrawberry · 15/09/2013 16:29

I'd be pretending he no longer existed and would be buying the gift myself , from Mummy only.

Jux · 15/09/2013 20:19

Don't leave it to chance. Can you afford to buy the gift yourself? If you can, then do, but just in case exh does remember, it might be as well to let him know so ds doesn't get the same thing twice.

These early days are tough, and full of hard decisions like that. Next year it'll be a doddle though.

Lovingfreedom · 16/09/2013 08:01

Your DS will be fine. Kids have nightmares all the time and he will get over any shock of the uncertainty and change. Don't let anyone, including your MIL, pile guilt on you about any if this.

Icklemariposa01 · 16/09/2013 10:11

Similar thing happened to my mum, and that was nearly 36 years ago. I was about four maybe younger.

My mum would try and protect me if Dad didn't do such and such. Like turn up and see me when he was supposed to etc but after awhile she just let me see what my Dad was up to and in the end it was me who articulated in my own preschool way to my Dad why he would let me down.

I know you can't trust him, and at the moment he can not see the wood from the trees. And there is probably nothing you can do, like threatening that he can't see he's children (mum did that) and it still won't move him. It's established that he is an utter selfish bee-tard. So all you can do is get on with sorting your life and your children and in the background see if your XH will ever man up and grow up and be there for your children.

Saw my Dad yesterday, see him all the time. After everything that I have been through with him I began to see that no one c

Icklemariposa01 · 16/09/2013 10:14

No one can change him, I just needed to change the way I was with him. In the future your children will be fine because you will be their rock, and their heart just like my mum was and is

X

FuntimeFuschia · 16/09/2013 16:14

Hello, I haven't abandoned this thread and will update properly later I promise! Been very busy today ans surprise surprise I've had some major fuck wittery from him so I am just about holding it together but oh so close to losing it. Tax credits ans housing benefit are in the process of being sorted and I am off work all week thank god. Things are moving on.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 16/09/2013 16:18

Well done FF, sounds as though you're staying in control.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 16/09/2013 17:07

Well done getting all that sorted.

You're doing great. :)

waltermittymissus · 17/09/2013 09:44

You're doing great!

He's a bastard.

Hegsy · 17/09/2013 10:03

Well done. This happened to my mum 3 years ago only difference being we were all older. We have no relationship now as he has completely changed all my lovely childhood memories are tainted. But my mum is now married to a lovely man ans happier than than she's ever been. Good luck ff

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JuliaScurr · 17/09/2013 10:20

rightsofwomen.org.uk

JuliaScurr · 17/09/2013 10:21

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

JuliaScurr · 17/09/2013 10:23

get legal advice asap
Legal Aid & Citizens Advice have been cut

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