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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

need to write what I feel sorry tmi

36 replies

ohlalala13 · 13/09/2013 10:15

Me and dh have been married 4years.
Was dating for2 before getting married.

Sorry tmi but want the full story to come across clear

He used to be a lil controlling over money as yes I know id spend it on shit we didn't need and we are trying to save for a deposit on a house. Now days hes not half as bad from before.

The other night I was tired not up for sex at all (dc1 is2months old) but thought hes not gona leave me alone until hes cum so just get on with it. What he normally does is spoon and then pulls both our underwear down then cums in arse which I havr said on a few occasions I dont like but hes not taken too much notice. What he did that night was 1stly put a finger up bum which didnt mind but did tell him im a lil sore from behind. He managed to get 1 in bum and 1 upfront as we were both enjoying ourselves.

We then moved to the other room and he said lets go for anal first (again don't mind but I was sore that night) as he 1st thrusted I moved away and was in tears but tried to stop myself from crying. I did think he would of stopped. I told hom it hurt and not your average pain from anal. He carried on an I just stayed still.

I then faked it as he was on top as I didn't know what to do or say.
Hes not mentioned it since nor have I but I don't know what to feel about the situation.

He should of stopped but should I havr done moreto make him?

Im a lil hurt to also see that while hes on ipad he deletes the history most of the time. I've been on the website data and theres nothing sinister (you have to delete that from the settings not of safari)
Ive asked him what is he doing thay he doesn't want me to see and he just laughed and left me unanswered.

.

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 13/09/2013 10:31

What is it you are most concerned about? It sounds like he doesn't much care about your personal needs.

saulaboutme · 13/09/2013 10:34

he doesn't respect you and you need to be brave otherwise he won't stop doing things sexually that you don't like.
Sex should be pleasurable and not painful. What are you going to do about this? You have to stand your ground or he will keep doing it.

purplepinkstars · 13/09/2013 10:36

I'm no expert but telling him you don't like what he is doing, should be enough, he should just stop. Telling him something hurts and he should stop, apologize, check you are ok and if you are up to it, do something you both enjoy.

It doesn't sound like he considers you at all, it's all about what he wants.

He's going to do it again as there's been no repercussions for him so far, in fact he's getting worse, no way should you be crying and in pain during sex while your partner ignores you. Can you get away from him, just to get some space and consider how you feel. You don't have to put up with this, and shouldn't. Loads of posters will be along with great advice. Take care.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/09/2013 10:37

Why are you together at all?. What do you get from this relationship?.

His treatment of you is out and out abusive.

Controlling behaviour over money even though you state he is better now is still abusive behaviour on his part.

He abuses you sexually as well, again acting out of his own accord and treating you as a piece of meat. He does not give a toss about you and uses you as he sees fit. I would argue that he raped you anally because he carried on regardless of your wishes.

I would speak to Womens Aid in your particular circumstances as well as Rape Crisis. Please find a way to get away from this evil man who only thinks of his own self. He is certainly not a good role model or example for your child.

HairyGrotter · 13/09/2013 10:37

He is effectively assaulting you. He has crossed your boundaries with no regard for you at all.

You are NOT to blame, he is an abuser.

HotCrossPun · 13/09/2013 10:42

He sounds like he doesn't regard your feelings or needs as important.

You are not obligated to have sex with him. If you are sore, you don't feel like having sex, or you don't like something in particular he is doing then you tell him that you are not doing it.

Most decent men would stop if something was obviously painful. Most decent men wouldn't come in your arse if that is something that you didn't like, and most decent men don't pester you for sex when you are unwilling. ''I knew he wouldn't leave me alone''

extracrunchy · 13/09/2013 10:43

If you said it hurt/asked him to stop and he didn't it's rape. Simple as that. The man assaulted you.

HotCrossPun · 13/09/2013 10:47

Posted too soon.

Example. I'm pregnant at the moment. DP & I were having sex last night. During it, I changed into a position that we hadn't done since we were pregnant. When DP thrust into me, I cried out because it was uncomfortable. He immediately stopped and asked what was wrong/was I okay etc. And waited for me to tell him if I wanted to continue (in a different position obviously!)

That is a normal reaction to seeing your partner in pain, not carrying on having sex with you when you have tears in your eyes ffs. He sounds like an abusive wanker.

mcmooncup · 13/09/2013 10:51

Why do you feel you owe this man any sexual satisfaction?

He clearly has no regard for you.

What would life be like without him?

Branleuse · 13/09/2013 10:52

how come you faked orgasm when you were a minute ago crying???

If you fake an orgasm, surely he must think you actually like it

mcmooncup · 13/09/2013 10:53

"as he 1st thrusted I moved away and was in tears but tried to stop myself from crying. I did think he would of stopped"

You are right that he should have stopped

Original poster
ohlalala13 · 13/09/2013 11:00

We need to talk this out
I think ive give him too much.
Never let him want for anything.

We usually have sex on a Friday as he has tomorrow offso will state what I want.
WhWhat normally happens is he goes into a mood and its me saying sorry.

He does care but once hes horny it's a different story
After having dc2 I was ill. Really ill in hospital 2 weeks. He sat by my side everyday and would not even hint he needed a release

I don't know if he had just got carried away thats what im hoping anyway

It does sound bad written down.

I would like it if he realised what hes been doing is out of order.

After that happened that night he sounded sorry. Once he had cum he said are you crying and he did sound sincere but it was too late damage had been done

He kept trying to cheer me up and I said I think im going to have to 'restrict access' to behind and he said nothing
Sorry to be drip feeding I was in a bit of a rush before

OP posts:
Original poster
ohlalala13 · 13/09/2013 11:03

Branleuse once he was done anal he asked if I wanted sex and I said yes so he didn't feel like anything was wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohlalala13 · 13/09/2013 11:03

Branleuse once he was done anal he asked if I wanted sex and I said yes so he didn't feel like anything was wrong.

OP posts:
inneedofrain · 13/09/2013 11:05

OP this is wrong on so many fronts.

The other night I was tired not up for sex at all (dc1 is2months old) but thought hes not gona leave me alone until hes cum so just get on with it.

THIS is NOT normal or right and you do NOT have to put up with it.

both our underwear down then cums in arse which I havr said on a few occasions I dont like but hes not taken too much notice.

Good Partners, talk about things that the other person doesn´t like and make a JOINT decision on what they are comfortable doing. They do NOT continue to do something one partner has already said they don´t like

as he 1st thrusted I moved away and was in tears but tried to stop myself from crying. I did think he would of stopped. I told hom it hurt and not your average pain from anal.

This so far from NORMAL that I don´t know what to say to you to make you see.

Could you talk to your GP, a friend, family etc, and explain what he is doing to you, they will be horrified I promise and hopefully you will see this is not ok.

for what its worth, I quite like anal BUT Dh would be totally horrified if anything he did hurt me, An accident is one thing, but to continue when you were obviously in pain is NOT on.

With regard to the faking an organsm, this is NORMAL in situations where you just want to get it over, Do NOT beat yourself up, your mind was trying to get you away and safe as quickly as possible

Branleuse · 13/09/2013 11:06

if youre trying your hardest to not let him know that you dont like it, and even going so far as to pretend that youre actually getting off on it, then really, I think you need to look at why.

Nobody is a mind reader

HairyGrotter · 13/09/2013 11:07

Victim blaming again...Sad

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/09/2013 11:10

I'd be personally giving this man his marching orders rather than talking this out.

He has not shown any remorse whatsoever. You've told him before you do not like anal but he still went ahead regardless of your own feelings on the matter. All he cares about is his own self.

This relationship is very unhealthy on so many levels not least of all his capacity to go into a mood and you saying sorry. Why are you saying sorry, you are not responsible for his happiness or otherwise. I think this man uses his moods to keep you guessing and on the back foot. He has all the power and control here within this relationship doesn't he?.

inneedofrain · 13/09/2013 11:10

Can I just say to everyone.

Faking an orgasm during painful, forced, sex etc. is a NORMAL and ACCEPTED Defence mechanism.

I know exactly what I am talking about on this subject (Sadly).

Original poster
ohlalala13 · 13/09/2013 11:15

See branleuse thats where I think I need to be firmer.
As they say I need to grow a pair.
With 2dc just cba with arguing.

Im not trying to stick up for him but I know why I try to carry on pretending everything is good. Hes from abroad and has had a horrible upbringing. He never had money, hardly ever had food so his family could eat. His parents are disabled so is 1 of many siblings and hes never had proper love and affection due to parents disabilities. I feel like its my job to make him feel comfortable.

It sounds stupid but when I read 50 shades of grey a lot of it reminded me of him.
That's why

OP posts:
Original poster
ohlalala13 · 13/09/2013 11:16

Attilla I like anal I was sore that night. Before that happened I was very much enjoying myself

OP posts:
internationallove985 · 13/09/2013 11:17

You're right you do need to talk. You say you were in tears as he thrust into you, well he should have stopped. There's no argument there.
I slept with my erm I suppose I could say partner the first night I met him . He asked how I felt about anal. I told him I'd never done it and I never will, of course each to their own but as far as I'm concerned things are only exited from there. Likewise, if he didn't like something I wouldn't do it. It's just basic respect. x

mcmooncup · 13/09/2013 11:18

Branleuse
"Nobody is a mind reader"

Op has clearly stated it hurt. She didn't like it. And was crying.

What more do you want to blame her for? Expecting people to be decent?

mcmooncup · 13/09/2013 11:19

You are not responsible for his feelings and upbringing, and cannot use these to excuse bad behaviour.

You sound awfully co dependent Sad

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/09/2013 11:24

He's had a horrid upbringing you write. Well he has been completely damaged as a result (hence his awful treatment of you) but you are not the one to fix or rescue him. He is not the only man to have had a rotten childhood and not all of them by any means use power and control in the same ways as your H does.

And yes you do sound codependent; that state itself is unhealthy in a relationship.

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