need to write what I feel sorry tmi

[ohlalala13]

Me and dh have been married 4years.
Was dating for2 before getting married.

Sorry tmi but want the full story to come across clear

He used to be a lil controlling over money as yes I know id spend it on shit we didn't need and we are trying to save for a deposit on a house. Now days hes not half as bad from before.

The other night I was tired not up for sex at all (dc1 is2months old) but thought hes not gona leave me alone until hes cum so just get on with it. What he normally does is spoon and then pulls both our underwear down then cums in arse which I havr said on a few occasions I dont like but hes not taken too much notice. What he did that night was 1stly put a finger up bum which didnt mind but did tell him im a lil sore from behind. He managed to get 1 in bum and 1 upfront as we were both enjoying ourselves.

We then moved to the other room and he said lets go for anal first (again don't mind but I was sore that night) as he 1st thrusted I moved away and was in tears but tried to stop myself from crying. I did think he would of stopped. I told hom it hurt and not your average pain from anal. He carried on an I just stayed still.

I then faked it as he was on top as I didn't know what to do or say.
Hes not mentioned it since nor have I but I don't know what to feel about the situation.

He should of stopped but should I havr done moreto make him?

Im a lil hurt to also see that while hes on ipad he deletes the history most of the time. I've been on the website data and theres nothing sinister (you have to delete that from the settings not of safari)
Ive asked him what is he doing thay he doesn't want me to see and he just laughed and left me unanswered.

.

I admit I am. I grew up around lots of arguing and don't want dc to witness the same which I also think is stopping me confronting him.
Tonight while the kids are asleep will talk it out
Try and work it out

If hes not willing then thats his problem and he will have to leave.
If he realises and doesnt relapse then its positive

I would suggest you start reading Codependent No More written by Melodie Beattie.

Your children are likely all too clearly seeing that you are unhappy; they see how you react when you are around him.

You can try talking but I think your points will be dismissed, what has really changed here?. His attitude overall certainly has not.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here?.

This is tge biggest issue.
Thanks for the recommendation. Will check it out.
I suppose a lot lies on tonight.
Im quite happy to have sex as we both have pretty good sex drives but I think I need to be stern when I don't want sex.
I don't think he realised what happened as I said I waa in tears and stopped myself from crying. I should have been more upfront about how I felt.

I think its his fault mainly and mine for not saying how I felt.

I just want to say something you may not have considered. When he's done anal and then says "do you want sex" I presume he means in your vagina. Anal to vaginal is not good because it transfers bum bacteria to your vag.

lois - I was just about to post the same! He should use a condom for at least one of those penetrations.

im not blaming anyone. I dont feel involved enough to start thinking about who i blame.

Of course he shouldnt be doing things that she doesnt like, but if she is pretending to orgasm from the sex, then maybe, just maybe, he thinks she is orgasming and therefore liking it?? It may well be a defense mechanism, i dont know, but some serious talking needs to happen. It sounds very dysfunctional

Is there a reason you feel you cant just say no when he wants sex and you dont?
Do you feel that he would carry on anyway, or maybe you worry that he would be disappointed? do you feel responsible for whether he feels bad or not??

Whats the history

Indeed. I suspect that isn't happening.

Great user name Branleuse

Why doesn't he just se branler...?

Just googled it Branleuse

Op, 50 Shades of Grey deacribes textbook abusive relationship. The man in it is a rapey, abusive, controlling monster. If your relationship resembles it, then you need to be very worried.

It is NOT your responsibility to make him happy, or to deny your feelings and needs to please him, full stop. Him having an unhappy childhood does not mean that he can get away with being a selfish abuser. It is no excuse.

And parents being disabled doesn't mean they can't love and care for their children, it's very offensive to say that. It sounds like he has fed you loads of excuses for being a shitbag, basically, and you have fallen for them.

You are a classic rescuer, my dear. You think that if you just love and give to this 'wounded puppy' of a man enough, he will change and improve and heal and return your love. It's never going to happen. What you are doing is called ENABLING. He abuses you. The more you give, the more he will take. The more you tolerate, the worse he will get. This is NOT blaming you, the fault is 100% his, but you need to see that the only way to make change is to get away from a man like this. What he did to you was rape. He sounds very abusive in many others ways too.

You say you grew up in a household with a lot of shouting and you don't argue with him so your children don't gros up with the same. But they are growing up with a father who controls and abuses their mother. That will be so very, very damaging for them. That IS very damaging for them, right now. If you think they won't pick up on any atmosphere, you are deluding yourself. It'd be better to live in a shouty but loving home than a home where there's no arguments, but at the price of Daddy treating Mummy like shit.