Why do I put up with this?

[MoneyMug]

I have name changed for this.

I'm a SAHM to a newborn and toddler. The thing that's making me write this is that I want to do something, costing £16 a week, that will benefit my toddler. But I can't afford it, yet my DP can afford to spend £100's on his hobby.

I'll try not to make this too long.

We have lived together for over 2 years. The first year, I had very little money. I literally just managed to buy shampoo and take my DC1 to a £1 baby group once a week. No clothes/makeup/haircut. Luckily my mum brought most of DC1s clothes. DP paid all the bills nappies ect. I didn't ask DP for any money and he didnt give me any. I remember when all my money ran out and I only had £1 left (DP didn't know this) DP needed change and so borrowed it. I had saved it to be able to take DC1 to the baby group so obviously I couldn't go. I cried the whole day. I can't blame DP because he didn't know.

After a few weeks I built up the courage to ask him if I could have some of the tax credits, and I'd buy all of DC1s stuff with it. At least then I'd be able to treat her occasionally and take her to the baby group. So we agreed that the tax credits could go into my account, I'd keep £25 a week and give the rest to him.

Anyway we've had this arrangement for about a year now. So I buy nappies, wipes, cotton wool, clothes, shoes, toys, ect plus all non essential food items like toddler crisps ect.

Sometimes DP offers to pay for something but mist of the time I can tell it's a half hearted offer so I just say no. I'm stupid I know. But I can't take his money. Because that's how o see it. His money.
When we go shopping, he does the food and I have my own stuff, nappies ect, separate. (what must people think??) when we were buying DC1s birthday cake, DP put it with my stuff. He didn't even want to buy his own Childs birthday cake. Luckily I had enough money for it. We go halfs on their birthday presents.

Then I had DC2. Only a few weeks old and I haven't had the chance to contact tax credit yet so I've got to buy 2 lots of nappies ect with £25. I'm struggling. I haven't been able to give DP his money this month and I just didn't mention it. I didn't think he had noticed but i jokingly said 'I wish I had loads of money in my bank account!' and he said 'well you're luckily haven't taken any money off you.' so obviously he has noticed.
I don't know how he thinks I'm managing with £25. dC2 was a big baby. None of the newborn clothes I had brought fitted which meant I had to buy more. Only 6 babygrows fit. Icant afford to buy more.

DP spends so much on his hobby. Parcels every week. Sometimes more than one. It never used to bother me and I used to think this was normal. It's only since being on mumsnet that I realise it's not. To be fair we are very young and so maybe he doesn't realise. And I have never asked him for any money or told him I'm struggling.

I'm starting to get resentful though. I can't afford to get my haircut. My mum paid for it last year as a birthday present. I can't afford any clothes and none fit after having DC.

I can't ask him for money. I just can't. I have a mental block that just won't allow me.

I think about leaving him sometimes but I've got nowhere to go and no money. I'm not from this part of the country so doubt the council will house me either.

Thanks fir reading. I just needed to get this off my chest. I know nothing is going to change.

I understand you find it really hard to discuss with him.

And don't beat yourself up about it, you have really tiny children, they take up all your emotional and physical energy at that age. It's understandable.

But even if you can't face the a face-to-face conversation right now, you can do things to help yourself, quietly and in your own time.

Call the TC people. Call the CB people. Work out a list of what comes in and what you need to spend. When you have the figures you will be able to discuss it from a better, more reasonable standpoint. The facts won't lie, he won't be able to argue with them. He may not like it, and moan about it, but he won't be able to argue they are wrong.

Can you write it all down and email him when you have got your facts together, then you can have a discussion about it after that?

I have a basic idea but not exactly. All the bills are in his name so obviously I don't open the letters. He hasn't toldme not to. I just think it's respectful.

MoneyMug - can I ask if you are in an 'arranged' marriage?

Do you make sure you eat properly? Or do you feel guilt?
I can't believe he thinks its ok for you to buy all your kids stuff on £25 a week when he KNOWS how expensive it is.
Even most step dads step up more then he is financially.

I can sympathise with alot of what you say, I cut my own hair buy my clothes off eBay whilst oh spends alot on his own stuff. But I do accept alot of its my issues for not asking as I feel massive guilt at being home.

Is the property in his sole name as well?. Is it rented or is there a mortgage?.

After you have changed the TC and the CB, perhaps asking your DP about the cost of the bills would be a starting point? It's really not unreasonable to ask, or disrespectful to look at an electric bill.

Presumably they are filed somewhere in the house, so you could look if you wanted to?

This thread has made me feel very sad.

You do need to sit down together and write down all your incomings and outgoings.

Attila, because we don't know him so how can we assume he's on some power trip? And the OP, who does know him, says she doesn't think that's why he does it.

It sounds much more likely from what she's said that he's being a bit blind and selfish and ignorant. Not that he's deliberately trying to abuse her, though that is the effect if his ignorant actions.

And I don't think LTB is helpful because this sounds like a situation that can be fixed with a bit of encouragement for the OP to be more assertive and put her foot down. They need to have a long-overdue talk and get this sorted out. Walking out instead of trying to fix the problem is not going to benefit anybody, least of all the DC.

I think he will completely disregard any notion of equality in terms of finances from the OP because of his own inbuilt attitudes i.e its his money and he sees it as such.

Abusers are not reasonable people, a reasonable person would not treat OP this way regardless. Bet you as well he will not in any way cut down on what he spends on his very expensive hobby; no, that is way off limits.

I do not have to personally know such people to call this financial abuse. Her initial and subsequent posts of him (his comments re formula milk in particular) are very damming. She cannot bring herself to ask him for more money, that in itself is awful and is indicative too of what he is like as a person.

It is a mistaken idea to assume that abuse is somehow related to "misunderstandings" or lack of communication.

MM I haven't read the whole thread but I would say-- please remember that the money that comes in is not specifically HIS money, it is family money. My kids are much older than yours but my H always took this attitude as well and has always used the fact that he was 'doing us a favor' by supporting us to create a whole environment where he was the king and the kids and I only had things because he'd paid for it all (not really true) and therefore he had to at all times be allowed to behave however he wanted without fear of reprisal or anyone standing up to him. So please recognize that it is financial abuse and can lead to other types of abuse.

Hope things are looking up-- and congrats on your new baby! It should be such an exciting time but it's no fun to struggle financially.

If discussion and compromise, the mainstay of mediation, could help in any way most domestic violence situations would be long ago resolved because victims of abuse "discuss and compromise" constantly. Mediation assumes both parties will cooperate to make agreements work; the victim has always 'cooperated' with the abuser; the abuser never cooperates.

She's suggested that the reason she can't ask for more money is to do with her own upbringing and her own issues around that, not that she's scared of him.

Trying to bully the OP into believing she is being deliberately abused is not going to help her to tackle this situation.

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/adviceline.php

Attila, I think you can read the formula milk thing two ways. 1) He is a bastard, a controlling cold-hearted bastard. Or 2) He is used to his partner paying for "the kids stuff" and so he assumed she would pay for formula. When she said he couldn't afford it he grudgingly accepted he'd need to pay, but said he'd "expect her to pay sometimes too" i.e. in his mind it would be fair if she paid too. He is selfish, and used to the status quo, but not necessarily an abuser.

I agree with you that this IS a situation of financial abuse.

BUT

the OP has her own issues. They have never discussed finances properly. If they can, he may step up.

He may not. But until the discussion is had, how can you say the abuse is deliberate and not just thoughtless?

This is not a situation where the OP has been begging him to share or up his contributions. So far.

Either way, we should support the OP to discuss with her partner. I think she has now got the message loud and clear that this is not a normal or desirable situation to be in.

Doesn't matter if you think it is FA or not. It is.

The Government gives money to mums to help with child related costs. WHY the fuck is it going in to his account?? .

He is taking money from you. He does fuck all special around the house.

Your baby needs more than 6 babygrows fgs. He could go through that many in one day.

Christ almighty. I have just read through this read from beginning to end.

No reasonable partner or father would not see how you are struggling. And to let you carry on like it? Disgusting.

On what planet does he consider it acceptable to keep the child benefit and half the tax credits?!

OP, this is financial abuse, it really really is. You need to bite the bullet and tell him he must pay more towards his DCs and his partner. If that means scaling back the hobby, then so be it.

I can't believe he took your last pound.

And the credit on the phone issue? Surely he's known that! Why hasn't he given you money for that? Why hasn't he bought more clothes for the DCs?

This is not normal behaviour and he is not being a good partner or good father.

OP learnt a lot of damaging crap from her own parents about money, her own mother took all her H's money and he has been reduced to asking for money. This pattern is now being played out again.

OPs man put the child's birthday cake in her own supermarket trolley, I ask you what kind of person would do such a thing?.

She could also well be afraid to ask him for more cash because of his reaction for actually asking. She has had to already pluck up more courage to ask him for more tax credits, that in itself is awful.

He knows what he is doing.

I agree that the situation is financially abusive but I think it's come about through thoughtlessness in his part, the OP's passive acceptance of that thoughtlessness and a serious lack of communication on both parts.

I do believe this CAN be fixed once they start talking openly and honestly about the situation and agree a completely different approach to family finances.

OP, you can change this situation if you can find the strength to do so. We're all here to help in any way we can. If having the talk face to face is what's putting you off, what about writing him a letter? It might help in that you can say what you want to say, the way you want to say it, without getting nervous or flustered. We can help you draft one if that's something you would like to do.

We aren't married And the house is rented.

I do eat properly. What I meant is I wouldn't just put something in for myself eg chocolate unless I could pay for it myself.

What if he says that I've managed on £25 a week for this long, why do I need more? Because I think that's what he will say.

Thoughtlessness?? FFS! Thoughtlessness is using the last of the milk.

There is no way he can't see the financial discrepencies between him and her. And not only that, he thinks that is OK.

I like the email/letter idea. I think that would make it easier. When I asked him for some of the tax credit te first time, I text him because I was too embarrassed to ask face to face. Thanks for reminding me of that.

If he does, tell him you've managed because you've only had one kid at that time. Now you have two so need more money... 1+1=2 and all that. If he has to have it simplified down to the nitty gritty. Ask him how he would manage on 25 quid a week looking after the kids.. make him do the math if you have too.

Personally I would just tell him how it's got to be from now on and that the kids money goes to you for the kids.. but it's easy for me to say that as i've never been in the position you're in.

I think you need to make a list of all the things you and the DCs need and present him with that.

His reaction will tell you whether or not you have a future with him.