Why do I put up with this?

[MoneyMug]

I have name changed for this.

I'm a SAHM to a newborn and toddler. The thing that's making me write this is that I want to do something, costing £16 a week, that will benefit my toddler. But I can't afford it, yet my DP can afford to spend £100's on his hobby.

I'll try not to make this too long.

We have lived together for over 2 years. The first year, I had very little money. I literally just managed to buy shampoo and take my DC1 to a £1 baby group once a week. No clothes/makeup/haircut. Luckily my mum brought most of DC1s clothes. DP paid all the bills nappies ect. I didn't ask DP for any money and he didnt give me any. I remember when all my money ran out and I only had £1 left (DP didn't know this) DP needed change and so borrowed it. I had saved it to be able to take DC1 to the baby group so obviously I couldn't go. I cried the whole day. I can't blame DP because he didn't know.

After a few weeks I built up the courage to ask him if I could have some of the tax credits, and I'd buy all of DC1s stuff with it. At least then I'd be able to treat her occasionally and take her to the baby group. So we agreed that the tax credits could go into my account, I'd keep £25 a week and give the rest to him.

Anyway we've had this arrangement for about a year now. So I buy nappies, wipes, cotton wool, clothes, shoes, toys, ect plus all non essential food items like toddler crisps ect.

Sometimes DP offers to pay for something but mist of the time I can tell it's a half hearted offer so I just say no. I'm stupid I know. But I can't take his money. Because that's how o see it. His money.
When we go shopping, he does the food and I have my own stuff, nappies ect, separate. (what must people think??) when we were buying DC1s birthday cake, DP put it with my stuff. He didn't even want to buy his own Childs birthday cake. Luckily I had enough money for it. We go halfs on their birthday presents.

Then I had DC2. Only a few weeks old and I haven't had the chance to contact tax credit yet so I've got to buy 2 lots of nappies ect with £25. I'm struggling. I haven't been able to give DP his money this month and I just didn't mention it. I didn't think he had noticed but i jokingly said 'I wish I had loads of money in my bank account!' and he said 'well you're luckily haven't taken any money off you.' so obviously he has noticed.
I don't know how he thinks I'm managing with £25. dC2 was a big baby. None of the newborn clothes I had brought fitted which meant I had to buy more. Only 6 babygrows fit. Icant afford to buy more.

DP spends so much on his hobby. Parcels every week. Sometimes more than one. It never used to bother me and I used to think this was normal. It's only since being on mumsnet that I realise it's not. To be fair we are very young and so maybe he doesn't realise. And I have never asked him for any money or told him I'm struggling.

I'm starting to get resentful though. I can't afford to get my haircut. My mum paid for it last year as a birthday present. I can't afford any clothes and none fit after having DC.

I can't ask him for money. I just can't. I have a mental block that just won't allow me.

I think about leaving him sometimes but I've got nowhere to go and no money. I'm not from this part of the country so doubt the council will house me either.

Thanks fir reading. I just needed to get this off my chest. I know nothing is going to change.

I know this is going to sound silly but today, for the first time in ages, I actually woke up feeling positive for the future.

I was doing some thinking last night and I feel so much confident about all this. I've got quite alot of money in my account (I get tax credits weekly but save up DPs half and give it to him at the end of the month) so I'm going to buy the DC a little treat each at the weekend.

I want to say thank you to all of you. Seriously you can't know how much you've helped me. I know I've still got a long way to go until things are 'normal' but this is definitely a start.

I know I would be giving my DC a bad example of how relationships should be but at least I'm trying to change things. Luckily they are too young to notice yet.

I'm still not convinced I'm being financially abused but I do see I'm being treated badly now. I'm really at myself. I've decided that if DP doesn't agree to the changes or doesn't get over the changes very quickly, I will think about leaving him.

Did someone ask me about my anxiety? That wasn't because of DP. It just started after DC1 was born. I had PND and it just started with that. The PND has (mainly) Gone but the anxiety stayed.

I rang TC yesterday and told them about DC2 being born. I'm glad that's sorted now.

Thank again to everyone. I'll always be grateful to you.

Be sure to buy yourself a little treat too!

Go Girl

Well done.
Just keep remembering that he doesn't qualify for "half of the TC" or the CB. The children qualify for all of it.

Brilliant to hear.

FWIW it may not be abuse.. He just may be used to mine and yours money and needs to realise the our money thing. Either way you'll find out soon enough. I'm glad you've posted this thread, now you've talked about it it won't allow itself to stay silent.

Good luck and enjoy treating yourself.

so glad to have read your last post :) well done you!

Really glad to see that you are ready to tackle this :)

That's the spirit, Money :)

Next job - have the child benefit paid into your account.

You don't need his agreement to do this. Just do it.

I feel sick for you OP, you're living a very difficult life. Child benefit is yours, take it. Face up to the reality that you need to talk to your partner about this to relieve the anger/anxiety/ fear you feel about this situation, you'll feel so much better. I'd put a lot of money on your anxiety being linked to this. Worry about yourself and your needs first over his so you can take good care of yourself and babies, your partner can take care of himself. You sound like an excellent mum and a real sweetie:)

I'm sorry to hear it's you you are with. You've got that wrong, got the wrong person to be angry with, imo.

It sounds to me that you are so horrified by your grabby mother that you have vowed you will never be like her. Hence a powerful inability to ask for any money or to insist it is yours, to spend how you choose.

However, you don't have to ask. You don't have to lay out to your partner why you need the money. It is yours, because you are in charge of bringing up the children.

Lovely, I hate to think of you slaving away with his ebay parcels... THEN HE GETS ALL THE PROFIT. That's mad, can you see? He keeps all that profit to himself and won't share it with you. Did he know that the £1 he took for change was essential to you that day? It's sounds like you're being far too forgiving and understanding. My guess is he knows exactly what he is doing. I'm sorry OP.

You say the anxiety started when you had your first dc. But that was when you moved in with your partner. I had PND when I was with my ex and it was a long time before I realised it wasn't post-natal depression, it was controlling relationship depression. My guess is that if he was out of the picture your anxiety would vanish. That's a big thing to say but I stand by it.

I do appreciate your intense fear of standing up for yourself. Which suggests you have been beaten down before, probably when you were a child. I really do appreciate that fear, I have had it myself (which was why I ended up with someone controlling). Have a look at the Freedom Programme and get on it - it really helps to open your eyes, and you also meet other women in a similar position. I have linked you to the 'finding a meeting' page, please find out where there is one near you.

You may be shocked at the idea that what you are experiencing is domestic abuse - please don't be, it happens all the time. You don't have to be hit to be a victim of domestic abuse, it happens in a million different ways. Having severely restricted choices and anxiety because of not enough money is one way, there are many others. The Freedom Programme shows how control can exist in relationships, whether the perpetrator is aware they are doing it or not. It is a kindly, supportive group. Please give it a try.

OP what you are going through has upset me. It is hard to read. Well done for beginning to step out xx

actually, have a bunch of for bravery

Make sure you buy yourself some flowers this weekend... or at least something nice FOR YOU

Well done OP. decoding others saying get yourself a treat too! You need to get used to thinking you deserve it. you have not long dice given birth and are looking after a baby. you deserve it!

Since not dice.

I feel really sorry for you, and I hope you get it sorted. This is where you go to change the account CB is paid into: <a class="break-all" href="https://online.hmrc.gov.uk/shortforms/form/CBOCH1702e?dept-name=CBO&sub-dept-name=&location=3&origin=www.hmrc.gov.uk" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">here

Also, I think you will get more Child Benefit now you have a new baby, so it is worth talking to them too, if you have not done so already.

Money, WELL DONE!

It is excellent news hearing about your positivity this morning - I feel so happy for you and it's really made my day!
We're all here to support you along the path to Change...
Don't look back now...get them bank details changed to YOUR account ASAP

Awh, it made me feel sad to read this post. I hope you can come to an agreement which benefits you and your children. Children get more expensive the older they get! Don't let yourself get brow-beaten, and if he sulks or whatever, he's doing it to manipulate you as he's not used to the new assertive you. Just remember why you are doing it xxx

Well done, Moneymug. Now keep building on your new-found confidence to get this situation changed once and for all. Start first thing on Monday by getting the Child Benefit changed to your account. You'll feel positively rich once you start getting this, because you WILL be rich compared to what you've been struggling on for all this time.

Buy yourself something nice and I hope you and DC have a lovely weekend.

Really pleased to hear you're feeling good about changing things for the better, Money. You have to start somewhere, and a major thing for you to overcome is believing that things need to change, so for you.

You have such a small baby, you need to be kind to yourself, as well as taking steps to fix things. Good luck.

How are things going?

Glad to hear your update. I hope the next stage of this goes well.

The updated TC letter came today so I'm hoping that will start up the conversation tonight and I'll be able to tell him I'm not giving him any more money.

I feel so rich. I literally don't think I could spend this much if I tried! While I was waiting to hear from TC, I went on the Internet and put loads of clothes in my 'basket' ready to click PAY for the DC I'll be able to get them now. DD needs a coat and wellies which I can now get too. It's such a relief not having to worry about how I'm going to afford these things. Thank you so much for all your help!

If the letter doesn't start up the conversation, help with an email would be great, thank you.

You need to be ready for when he kicks off about you keeping your money...

I suggest that you keep the receipts for the clothes you have needed to buy, the food you buy and anything else which is essential and show them to him. it proves to him what is needed and that the kids are more expensive than he realises.

You should also put together a little budget of your weekly expenses and show it to him. Together you may be able to think through exactly what is needed and when. then decide on a fair way to split all of the incoming money (including his wage) to allow treats, days out and his hobby.

if it is written down in black and white he can't suggest that you are living the high life. he will be able to see that you are literally going without. he may even feel some shame...

if he has ideas about how to save money - then he can try to discuss it. but i bet you know every trick in the book already!

he really needs to be willing to make this work - simply because it is upsetting and distressing for you. he should want you to be happy as the mother of his children.

if he refuses to listen or comes up with excuses you need to rethink. it then goes from being ignorant to being abusive.