Would you tell the OW's husband?

[PTFsWife]

So I have now had the opportunity to read the over 800 emails that were sent between my husband and the OW during the course of their 5 month affair. (vile reading)

I am in no way excusing my husband in what happened (that is a whole different story) but what has come to light is that this woman is a serial philanderer. While she was having an affair with my husband, she was not only married (with three young children) but was simultaneously continuing a 7 year long affair with another man. Apparently her husband found out about it years ago, she said she had called it off, he forgave her and they moved on with their marriage.

Yet he is unaware (as far as I can tell) about the fact that she continued this affair AND had a second affair with my husband AT THE SAME TIME. And those are the ones we know about. She is a pro - she outlined rules of communication etc to my husband, referred to her husband (and me) as 'neighbours in their beds' and completely knew which buttons to push to get my husband behaving like a complete tit.

Part of me really wants to tell her husband (mainly so that she doesn't keep getting away with her revolting behaviour) but mostly I think it's got nothing to do with me and that it would hurt him and potentially fuck up the lives of those three innocent children.

But I am sorely tempted. Would you tell?

[bouncysmiley]

I would. I'd winzip the lot/ put them on a disc and give them to him. He deserves to know, she deserves it, and it may not stop her, but he can obviously do a hell of a lot better.

[PTFsWife]

Vivacia - he came back and he stayed at home. We had a long chat. I tried really hard to be grown up about it all. We even attempted to have an evening out together and sleep in the same bed (no touching). But I realised that I hadn't let myself really think about what he had done. I had just skipped several phases - I'd gone from shocked to hurt to acceptance in a week. I skipped the being angry bit.

So I made myself read all the email correspondence that went between them. I knew it was a risk to do it. But I felt that if I didn't, it would always be there, locked away in a box without me ever really knowing the depth of their relationship.

It was awful reading. I won't reveal what it said. But suffice to say that the angry phase has arrived with a bang. Whereas I was initially 100% sure that I wanted to save my marriage, now I am less so. I imagine that I will ultimately end up trying to save it - because I still believe we have a lot to work with and improve, I need to work through this anger and betrayal now.

I am flying back to my home country next week to spend time away from him and time with my father who is full of wisdom. We shall take it from there.

[Vivacia]

I know that the popular advice here is to make the cheating partner realise what they've risked losing by taking it all away - make them leave the family home etc for a period of time. I've also seen women say not to rush to the reconciliation phase (for a number of good reasons).

I think often we want a quick, clean resolution to the situations we read about on here. I think that this thread is a good reminder that real life isn't always like that.

I hope that you're able to get some peace of mind during your trip.

[ownbrand]

I did exactly this and didnt think of it as "telling", i thought of it as exposure.I also told freinds and family on both sides and i wouldnt hesitate to do it again.

This is no moral high ground to be had by enabling a cheater to continue to abuse their spouse.These people often run out on their familys emptying bank accounts on the way, they often expose their spouse to stds also.

As for dont get involved in other peoples relationships, i had no problem returning the favour and like someone else said he thanked me for it. Who on here would really not want to know?There was not a cat in hells chance i would be keeping her,or his,sordid secrets and i absoluteley refuse to enable it.

Every cheater should face consequences, from all sides.

[FrancescaBell]

I think I posted on your deleted thread as this sounds familiar.

I'd be inclined at the moment to make no decisions about telling the OW's husband. I think all this is quite recent isn't it? In which case, suspend a decision about it and deal with your husband first.

Something I'm not clear about though - did you find out about her tandem affair through these e mails? So did your husband know he wasn't the only one?

Did the outcome on the trip go favourably and have you seen the documents about it?

[PTFsWife]

i found out about the other affair in the 800 odd emails. My husband knew about it and continued seeing her. Fool. Honestly, I think he was 100% thinking with his balls.

He kept his job but has had various 'punishments' which I won't divulge. I have seen the paperwork on this.

[PurpleRayne]

STDs. He deserves to know just at a very basic human compassion level. Poor man.

[FrancescaBell]

Wow. Fool seems too lightweight a word for his actions.

It's good that you're taking time out to have a proper think. Hope your husband's looking after the children while you're away.

If the OW still works with him, is he looking for another job anyway?

[PTFsWife]

Is there anything more humiliating than sitting in an STD clinic?

[Rooners]

No.

Especially with a load of teenagers

I made myself go after every relationship, if not before each one, sometimes both...it was hideous though.

I think you can go there for a smear test or to get contraception though so just pretend it's for that. Well in your mind, you know x

[onefewernow]

I agree with ownbrand

[SlowlorisIncognito]

If you test positive for anything, you really have to tell him, otherwise he is being allowed to put his own health at risk (and potentially the health of his children). It is very likely that if you explain the situation at the STD clinic, then they will contact him for you, and no-one has to know it has come from you.

Insist on absolutely no sexual contact with your own husband until you are 100% sure he has been tested and is clear.

I hope you test clear.

[missbopeep]

How do you know he doesn't already know? He might. Some couples have 'open' marriages.
I don't quite get the need to be a do gooder and save him from his relationship. Nothing might be as you assume it is. You don't know him and you only know what your DH has told you- it could all be very far from the truth.
If you want to do anything, confront the OW and say you will tell her DH. Then sit back and do nothing.

Imo if you tell him you risk being told to fuck off and mind your own business- and you won't feel any better.

[DietCherryColaPlease]

I don't understand those who say they wouldn't tell the husband.

This woman and your DH have been colluding in deceiving you. Now that you've found puy, by keeping their dirty little secret you're colluding with them in deceiving the other innocent party.

I'd blow the whole thing wide open tbh. Fuck 'em.

[DietCherryColaPlease]

*Puy? Out.

[Hissy]

Remember, that woman owes you nothing.

She's not your concern.

Focus on YOU, not your marriage. At this time, that doesn't exist. He broke it all.

He has to work to make it up to you.

THEN you decide if you want to keep him or not.

This bloke won't learn a thing if you're prepared to live and let live,

Put your game face on. Tell him it's over until he makes it better, in however way he needs to.

[Fairenuff]

Imo if you tell him you risk being told to fuck off and mind your own business

So? At least he will know. If he knows already then it won't make a difference. But we don't know whether he does or not. They do say the cheated on partner is always the last to know.

[SirSugar]

Messengers get shot - always

[Fairenuff]

Not if they do it anonymously SirSugar

[Molly333]

Yes tell because she's effectively probably sleeping with three men and lots of other people inc you and him were sexually put at risk , he needs to know god knows where she's been

[WhiteandGreen]

Your DH only told you because of the disciplinary at work though. And here you're talking about him as if he weren't reponsible for his own actions.

[Lioninthesun]

As I always say on these threads, I would and have told on a woman having an affair before. The husband chose not to believe me. I still think what I did was right, but thought I should caution you that he may well be deliberately turning a blind eye.

[BoxHillBessy]

It sounds to me as though you're excusing your husbands behaviour and laying the blame at her doorstep. This wasn't a one night fling, it was organised by both sides. I think you need to forget about ow and focus on the despicable behaviour your husband has displayed. It sounds as though you only know because he got caught out. This is not a foolish man. This is a lying cheat.

[MariaLuna]

The mind boggles how someone with 3 children and a husband and a job can be having an affair with 2 other men.... where does she find the time?!

Anyway, I wouldn't get involved in telling her husband, it will only get messy....
just get thee to the clinic to check yourself out and decide what YOU want to do with your life.

Your husband is the one you need to deal with.

[musicismylife]

Op, I hope you can get through this. When my ex partner cheated on me when I was pregnant, I kept her number and rang her. Also told her that she was one of five people he had messed around with

She was very apologetic and said she would not speak to him again. I told her that I was expecting in 8 weeks, she had no clue (she lived in his hometown where he'd moved away from years ago).

I looked her up on Facebook, some months later, and was shocked to see that she had been married and was expecting twins. So, that was why she was so apologetic, she had a family at stake

I messaged her and told her that I hoped she didn't have to go through what I went through when I was pregnant.

I WOULD tell the OM, but then you have to divert your attention back to dp and decide if you and he have a future together.