Would you tell the OW's husband?

[PTFsWife]

So I have now had the opportunity to read the over 800 emails that were sent between my husband and the OW during the course of their 5 month affair. (vile reading)

I am in no way excusing my husband in what happened (that is a whole different story) but what has come to light is that this woman is a serial philanderer. While she was having an affair with my husband, she was not only married (with three young children) but was simultaneously continuing a 7 year long affair with another man. Apparently her husband found out about it years ago, she said she had called it off, he forgave her and they moved on with their marriage.

Yet he is unaware (as far as I can tell) about the fact that she continued this affair AND had a second affair with my husband AT THE SAME TIME. And those are the ones we know about. She is a pro - she outlined rules of communication etc to my husband, referred to her husband (and me) as 'neighbours in their beds' and completely knew which buttons to push to get my husband behaving like a complete tit.

Part of me really wants to tell her husband (mainly so that she doesn't keep getting away with her revolting behaviour) but mostly I think it's got nothing to do with me and that it would hurt him and potentially fuck up the lives of those three innocent children.

But I am sorely tempted. Would you tell?

[MirandaGoshawk]

Er... yes

[expatinscotland]

Karma?! OMG, people don't honestly believe that kind of complete and utter bollocks, do they? Much less let such malarkey govern their actions. Really?

[cantthinkofagoodone]

Thank you for letting me know whiteandgreen but I'll stand by my pov that a woman who cheats on her husband and family with multiple men being a slut.

[ageofgrandillusion]

Forget Karma, it's a load of bollocks. This isnt about getting her in any case. It is about allowing her partner to make an informed decision, it is the least the poor bugger deserves.

[MirandaGoshawk]

I don't think i'd tell, because of her dch. I think you seem to be handling this in a very dignified way, and I agree with all the observations you've made, such as that karma will get her.

[AnitaManeater]

When my 1st DH left me for the OW I told her husband face to face. Thought it was the right thing to do. At the time I was devastated by the discovery and so was he. It backfired badly, he kept coming back to me wanting more information, then relaying titbits that he had uncovered, it was like picking at a scab and I felt responsible for his mental state as well as mine. He seemed to think me & him were two kindred spirits and he made a few passes at me (I knew him as an acquaintance before I found out DH was boffing his wife) I had to tell him to back off and I wish after having handled the fallout I hadn't said anything.

Put in the same situation again I would say nothing. I think as the messenger you then end up with some degree of responsibility to the recipient.

[WhiteandGreen]

Slut? Calling someone a slut makes you sound misogynistic and/or bitter. Just so you know.

[cantthinkofagoodone]

I would want to be told myself so I would tell the slut's husband.

[ageofgrandillusion]

So he was shagging her despite knowing that she was also shagging somebody else. He was happy to share her? I hope you find the strength to leave this sad, desperate, pathetic man OP.

[Fairenuff]

Whilst I do think the poor man has a right to know, I also agree with others who are saying that you seem to be focussing on the wrong bit of this whole mess.

This happened very recently and it seems that you are directing your anger at the OW. Surely your dh is more of a concern?

[musicismylife]

Op, I hope you can get through this. When my ex partner cheated on me when I was pregnant, I kept her number and rang her. Also told her that she was one of five people he had messed around with

She was very apologetic and said she would not speak to him again. I told her that I was expecting in 8 weeks, she had no clue (she lived in his hometown where he'd moved away from years ago).

I looked her up on Facebook, some months later, and was shocked to see that she had been married and was expecting twins. So, that was why she was so apologetic, she had a family at stake

I messaged her and told her that I hoped she didn't have to go through what I went through when I was pregnant.

I WOULD tell the OM, but then you have to divert your attention back to dp and decide if you and he have a future together.

[MariaLuna]

The mind boggles how someone with 3 children and a husband and a job can be having an affair with 2 other men.... where does she find the time?!

Anyway, I wouldn't get involved in telling her husband, it will only get messy....
just get thee to the clinic to check yourself out and decide what YOU want to do with your life.

Your husband is the one you need to deal with.

[BoxHillBessy]

It sounds to me as though you're excusing your husbands behaviour and laying the blame at her doorstep. This wasn't a one night fling, it was organised by both sides. I think you need to forget about ow and focus on the despicable behaviour your husband has displayed. It sounds as though you only know because he got caught out. This is not a foolish man. This is a lying cheat.

[Lioninthesun]

As I always say on these threads, I would and have told on a woman having an affair before. The husband chose not to believe me. I still think what I did was right, but thought I should caution you that he may well be deliberately turning a blind eye.

[WhiteandGreen]

Your DH only told you because of the disciplinary at work though. And here you're talking about him as if he weren't reponsible for his own actions.

[Molly333]

Yes tell because she's effectively probably sleeping with three men and lots of other people inc you and him were sexually put at risk , he needs to know god knows where she's been

[Fairenuff]

Not if they do it anonymously SirSugar

[SirSugar]

Messengers get shot - always

[Fairenuff]

Imo if you tell him you risk being told to fuck off and mind your own business

So? At least he will know. If he knows already then it won't make a difference. But we don't know whether he does or not. They do say the cheated on partner is always the last to know.

[Hissy]

Remember, that woman owes you nothing.

She's not your concern.

Focus on YOU, not your marriage. At this time, that doesn't exist. He broke it all.

He has to work to make it up to you.

THEN you decide if you want to keep him or not.

This bloke won't learn a thing if you're prepared to live and let live,

Put your game face on. Tell him it's over until he makes it better, in however way he needs to.

[DietCherryColaPlease]

*Puy? Out.

[DietCherryColaPlease]

I don't understand those who say they wouldn't tell the husband.

This woman and your DH have been colluding in deceiving you. Now that you've found puy, by keeping their dirty little secret you're colluding with them in deceiving the other innocent party.

I'd blow the whole thing wide open tbh. Fuck 'em.

[missbopeep]

How do you know he doesn't already know? He might. Some couples have 'open' marriages.
I don't quite get the need to be a do gooder and save him from his relationship. Nothing might be as you assume it is. You don't know him and you only know what your DH has told you- it could all be very far from the truth.
If you want to do anything, confront the OW and say you will tell her DH. Then sit back and do nothing.

Imo if you tell him you risk being told to fuck off and mind your own business- and you won't feel any better.

[SlowlorisIncognito]

If you test positive for anything, you really have to tell him, otherwise he is being allowed to put his own health at risk (and potentially the health of his children). It is very likely that if you explain the situation at the STD clinic, then they will contact him for you, and no-one has to know it has come from you.

Insist on absolutely no sexual contact with your own husband until you are 100% sure he has been tested and is clear.

I hope you test clear.

[onefewernow]

I agree with ownbrand