Would you tell the OW's husband?

[PTFsWife]

So I have now had the opportunity to read the over 800 emails that were sent between my husband and the OW during the course of their 5 month affair. (vile reading)

I am in no way excusing my husband in what happened (that is a whole different story) but what has come to light is that this woman is a serial philanderer. While she was having an affair with my husband, she was not only married (with three young children) but was simultaneously continuing a 7 year long affair with another man. Apparently her husband found out about it years ago, she said she had called it off, he forgave her and they moved on with their marriage.

Yet he is unaware (as far as I can tell) about the fact that she continued this affair AND had a second affair with my husband AT THE SAME TIME. And those are the ones we know about. She is a pro - she outlined rules of communication etc to my husband, referred to her husband (and me) as 'neighbours in their beds' and completely knew which buttons to push to get my husband behaving like a complete tit.

Part of me really wants to tell her husband (mainly so that she doesn't keep getting away with her revolting behaviour) but mostly I think it's got nothing to do with me and that it would hurt him and potentially fuck up the lives of those three innocent children.

But I am sorely tempted. Would you tell?

[Chyochan]

Its not your responsibility but if it was me I would want to know, and I think most people would feel the same.

[50shadesofmeh]

I'd tell him she sounds like she needs a dose of reality

[ageofgrandillusion]

I'd think carefully about calling her a slut OP. If she is a slut, what is your 'd' h? And what does them shagging around for 5 months behind your back - and then him getting away with it for coming clean (if, indeed, he has) make you?

[rainbowfeet]

I would say you are perfectly within your rights to tell him, yes.

[PTFsWife]

ageof - he hasn't 'got away' with it for coming clean. I haven't yet decided what it going to happen in our relationship. I am trying not to make any rash decision and work through the emotions of it all. He has been an idiot and a fool but this is the first time he has done it. She is a serial philanderer.

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

I would definitely tell her that you have all of her emails. That you've read all of her dirty correspondence and your dh has been completely honest with you. That you have all the evidence you need, in black and white, should you ever need it. Like evidence in a divorce, for example, as you might have to cite her as the third party.

See how she likes that.

[orangepudding]

I think you should wait until you have had the results back from the family planning clinic. If you test positive for anything then you can feel justified telling him.

I also.think the fact she is a serial philanderer and your husband has done this once is irrelevant.

[Distrustinggirlnow]

This is an interesting one OP and something that I have previously considered doing too.

In my situation I know that OWs DH found text messages on her phone from my DH. When he confronted her she said it meant nothing probably true and that they'd never met -untrue--

When she told me this I asked her why had she told her DH they'd never met, and she answered in a very small voice, because he would've gone.

I asked her why she had only met my DH twice and she said as they both realised they had too much to loose.

However I then find emails dated a couple of years later (original affair etc was in 2009) dated beginning 2012 sent by ow to my DH asking when they could meet up again

In my case it was a long time ago (I only found out last September tho) but I still get a little and that he trusted her but at the drop of her knickers a hat, she would've shagged my DH again.

Now I don't know anything about him but I sometimes think, should I tell him...? I know I prob won't. Not much help really am I!
I do know tho that if it was me I would did want to know.

I don't like the fact that we only get one chance on this earth and I wouldn't want to waste it with someone who continually lied to me.

[Mojavewonderer]

I would tell him because I feel it's the right thing to do. I feel that everyone should know the truth when these things happen so the cheated on husband/wife can have all the info and choose what to do with it. It's no fun being the last to know.

[Upnotdown]

If the OW in our situation was a stable human being, I would have told her xDH and current DP (she was seeing all three at the same time - went on holiday with current DP after I'd found out, came back and started sending emails to my DP pretty much saying 'lets get it on'. Within a week of being back from hols with her new guy and her DS from previous relationship! When he made it clear it asn't going to happen, she moved in with the new guy. Despicable person). As it is, I'm keeping the info I have as insurance in case she starts terrorising us again (that's a long story you could probably piece together from my previous (and sometimes ranty, posts). In your case, I'd let her have it. x

[StellarLights]

I'd want to know if it was my partner.

[LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance]

I take the view that affairs are wrong. I would feel guilty about NOT telling him tbh. Poor sod deserves to know so he can make his own choices and not live a lie.

[converselover]

You will just end up looking like a bit of an idiot and a humiliated scorned and bitter woman. Bear in mind if she's as you describe he already probably knows and either way you are going to get short shrift for trouble making. Also she probably has heard a lot about your marriage and sex life and its shortcomings and it might be repeated back to you.
Better to move on from this revengist fantasy full of hatred and spite and adress what's gone wrong on with your own troubled relationship

[Rooners]

No. You can't get involbed in other people's relationships in that way.

Not unless you know more about it than you do.

Or unless you know one or both of the parties involved and have clear knowledge that they deserve to be protected from what is happening and also do not already know it.

Do not get involved. It could open up a whole new set of dynamics that currently do not exist for very good reasons.

Also you can have no idea if the information she has given in the emails is accurate, as she is such an accomplished liar.

[SawofftheOW]

Someone told me, via an anonymous phone call, and I thank god she had the courage to do so. It enabled me to start uncovering the horrendous web of lies and deceit my DH had perpetrated and furthermore, it gave me a chance to make a decision about what to do.

I stayed, he stayed although it has been a hugely painful process for both of us, but if she hadn't had the courage to tell me then god knows how much longer he would have carried on before I got the chance to find out what was REALLY going on in my life and marriage, rather than what I (innocently) believed.

Do him a favour. Your DH and his DW had an affair. He needs to know.

[LoisEinhorn]

I would tell, at least for his own health.

[Upnotdown]

I think you really have to look inside - are you glad you know, even though it's painful? I personally don't know anyone who would honestly say they'd rather still be in the dark. Do it anonymously, by letter, if it's for his sake and not because you just want to see the fallout.

[carolmcgiffintowin]

another no here from me - he is the innocent party in all this and doesn't deserve the hurt of finding out from a complete stranger. it will all come out in the end, it always does. you need to concentrate on yourself and your healing process.

[Fairenuff]

I would tell him. Tbh he probably already knows and he may well stay with her, but I would tell him just in case he didn't know and wanted to take steps to protect himself.

[defineme]

I would tell, but then again he might be having affairs too-you have no idea who is innocent.

[IHateWinter]

I was going to urge you to tell, and give the marriage wrecker a dose of her own medicine, but then I remembered a film I watched once where a man had an affair with a married woman and his wife found out and sought revenge by leaving a message for the woman's husband. What she didn't know was that he had an explosive temper, and when he found out about his wife's affair he strangled her to death.

Unless you can predict the consequences, I'd not tell him and just let her know you have all her emails. Her actions will catch up with her some time. Karma and all that.

[carolmcgiffintowin]

good point defineme

[PTFsWife]

I won't tell. I've decided. Frankly they are not worth my time. I have to focus on my own marriage right now. I just hope that karma bites her in her over fondled arse.

[melanie58]

I agree that he has a right to know, and would want to know, and I think I would tell him. From your own point of view though, if he kicks her out, might she make even more trouble for you and your DH if you do decide to try to forgive him and move on with your marriage?

[Vivacia]

her over fondled arse

Oh, PTFsWife, it's horrible what you're going through. Have you and your husband decided to work at rebuilding the relationship? Did you have him move out after his business trip?