Moving past previous arguments

[Snowflaked]

I keep thinking about something that happened quite a while ago now and I can't just forget about it. I'm concerned it's causing me to resent my DH a bit and its not healthy for our relationship. I don't want to bring it up because we argued it through at the time, he felt very bad about it and apologised, I accepted his apology and we moved on. So I really shouldn't be thinking of it any more, but I do and I'd like a bit of perspective and ask how you would deal with a delayed feeling of betrayal.

Since DC2 was born we decided that as I was breastfeeding her I shouldn't take any hormonal contraception and we just used condoms. One time we dropped the packet, DH found it and opened it. Afterwards, I got into a panic thinking that it had split and asked him if he had checked. He answered that he hadn't even used it. I was FURIOUS. Really, madly angry with him. I know, overreaction. I would never have had sex if I had known. DC2 was five months, I was still feeling the effects of having given birth, absolutely exhausted from feeding and the lack of sleep (DC1 also not sleeping through) and quite frankly petrified at the thought of being pregnant again (morning sickness for 20+ weeks, exhaustion etc). I would never have taken a risk like that. DH's answer was that maybe it wasn't the worst time to have a third... I said that I couldn't. I just couldn't risk it. And used the line that you're supposed to wait a year before getting pregnant again anyway. He told me to do whatever I wanted to do. I must admit that I was totally freaked out and went to the chemist for the morning after pill. Which gave me a horror of a day because it meant I couldn't feed DC2 for 8 hours and she wouldn't take anything else, no milk, nothing.

He apologised, I accepted. We left it at that. Except that I can't really forget about it. At first I was really angry, then nothing but now I don't know how to describe it almost betrayed by him I think. I know I'm being stupid and he has every right to decide what contraception we use but I still get a "I can't believe he did that" running through my head. I know its daft to keep thinking of things that happened in the past. Any advice?

Can you crash out and sleep on a day your dc are at nursery? You might only need to do that once and you may feel so much better.

This thread has made me so sad.

On one level because this is honestly one of the worst cases of abuse I have ever read.

On another because you really believe it is normal behaviour and you are inferior to him and should be grateful for the horrific abuse he subjects you too.

And finally because this reminds me of my life with xp so much.

I really feel for you op and can see why you don't want to accept that he is being abusive but he is love, really, really abusive. I hope that by posting on this thread you will gradually come to see that. Please know that we will support you no matter what.

He worked where I studied for a bit. He is married (40 years!). He says I mustn't leave the children. For your last two questions, I don't know, I don't think so, I've never heard of any. It doesn't matter anyway, its not important. We've just found out DC1 has potential health problems. I need to focus on him now not wallow in my stupidity. He says DC1 will need me more than ever now.

I've tried actually to go to sleep whilst they are at nursery. The problem is I feel so guilty that I rarely get to sleep. I use that time to do the housework, job hunting etc and occasionally have a bath (that's cleaning the bathroom isn't it!) and if I don't get it done then I'm behind all week, like at the moment. I don't like having to do it when the kids are around. I'd rather play!

No, you mustn't leave the children. Not with an abuser who abuses them already, imagine how he would be on his own?

But I think it is important also that you make sure you and your dc are protected from his abuse too.

Maybe look into whether there is anything equivalent to women's aid or women's refuges.

You should not be feeling guilty. You've done nothing wrong.

Please please, seek out an organisation that helps abused women local to you.

I would dump the counsellor. Then try to find a new one. this one sounds biased and is he really helping? (Just because someone has been married 40 years doesn't mean it is a successful marriage - I wonder what advice his wife would give.)

When my children were little, they went to Nursery 2 mornings a week, and I wasn't even looking for a job. (I also had a cleaner for quite a while, but we could afford it.) My DH can be grumpy about lack of sleep BUT he would be horrified if I considered sleeping on a mattress on the floor. He never guilt trips me about going out. And he can deal with children in the middle of the night. (And he is not perfect by a long way.)

Please seek help, and support.

If you live in a macho dominated culture I would do some research on counsellors and find one that is better suited to your situation.

Being married for 40 years is no indication of happiness. His wife could be miserable and he may be completely unaware.

X post

Are you really saying that cutting off contact with the only person I trust and know who might be able to help me is the best way forwards?

I don't think he is helping you.

Why does leaving the marriage mean "leaving the children"? Obviously it doesn't mean that. So I assume what he really means is that he believes in two parent families, broken homes are the devil's work and all that bollocks.

Is there anything you've said to the counsellor that he has been even slightly alarmed about? Any of the things you've told us here about unprotected sex without consent, angry texts because you go out, turning the children against you etc?

How do you think he is helping you?

From what you have said, it sounds like you may be in a country where women's rights are viewed quite differently to the UK. So, in that context, I wonder if a female counsellor would be more helpful for you.

No, not suggesting you lose your only support. We're suggesting this counsellor, as others have said, may be less than supportive if he is encouraging you to stay in this abusive relationship and guilting you about the children and if that is what is going on it is not likely to help you, possibly likely to harm you.

We're suggesting, kindly and gently hopefully, that you should try to find some specialist support for women in abusive relationships whether or not you continue with this particular counsellor.

I think we all understand that the realisation that you are being abused is very hard as is taking any action over it and that it will be likely that it will take you a long whole to work through all this stuff in your mind as well as your life. It may not even be now, you might come back to it a couple of years from now even.

Us, as people on the otherside, and people who want to help are only coming across urgently because of our concern and our knowledge of how much better your life and your dc's lives could be. I hope you don't think that is rude and presumptious btw.

You sound like an absolutely lovely person, a wonderful and caring wife and mother with a lot to offer a partner, children and the working world and my heart breaks for you that you spend all your time being made to feel like a terrible failure. He is now inside your head you see, that's how it works.

:(

Bloody hell - this is one of the saddest threads I've ever read here!

Sweetheart, your self esteem is at zero. You & your little ones deserve so much more xxx

I haven't spoken to him since I sent him what I wrote in the first post. I have no worries that the counsellor is not qualified enough. He knows how I think. He also knows my exact circumstances and knows that leaving the marriage would entail leaving the children. I am not willing to go into further details in case it identifies me, you will either have to believe me or not.

It does sound like you are in a middle eastern country. Although it would I'm sure be very difficult nothing is impossible.

I suppose we weren't saying that your counsellor was under qualified but more that he doesn't seem to be offering any practical solutions to your situation and instead perhaps encouraging you to stay.

Obviously it is very difficult to talk about it when we don't know where you are but understand your reasoning.

Make sure you are clearing histories, logging out and using private browsing if you are very concerned about him finding the thread also if you pm me I will tell you a place to post that is more private.

And I'm sorry if you are worrying that we don't believe the situation is as serious as it is re the children. It's not that it's purely just because you aren't able to state where you are. We all absolutely understand btw about not giving away identifying details.