Moving past previous arguments

[Snowflaked]

I keep thinking about something that happened quite a while ago now and I can't just forget about it. I'm concerned it's causing me to resent my DH a bit and its not healthy for our relationship. I don't want to bring it up because we argued it through at the time, he felt very bad about it and apologised, I accepted his apology and we moved on. So I really shouldn't be thinking of it any more, but I do and I'd like a bit of perspective and ask how you would deal with a delayed feeling of betrayal.

Since DC2 was born we decided that as I was breastfeeding her I shouldn't take any hormonal contraception and we just used condoms. One time we dropped the packet, DH found it and opened it. Afterwards, I got into a panic thinking that it had split and asked him if he had checked. He answered that he hadn't even used it. I was FURIOUS. Really, madly angry with him. I know, overreaction. I would never have had sex if I had known. DC2 was five months, I was still feeling the effects of having given birth, absolutely exhausted from feeding and the lack of sleep (DC1 also not sleeping through) and quite frankly petrified at the thought of being pregnant again (morning sickness for 20+ weeks, exhaustion etc). I would never have taken a risk like that. DH's answer was that maybe it wasn't the worst time to have a third... I said that I couldn't. I just couldn't risk it. And used the line that you're supposed to wait a year before getting pregnant again anyway. He told me to do whatever I wanted to do. I must admit that I was totally freaked out and went to the chemist for the morning after pill. Which gave me a horror of a day because it meant I couldn't feed DC2 for 8 hours and she wouldn't take anything else, no milk, nothing.

He apologised, I accepted. We left it at that. Except that I can't really forget about it. At first I was really angry, then nothing but now I don't know how to describe it almost betrayed by him I think. I know I'm being stupid and he has every right to decide what contraception we use but I still get a "I can't believe he did that" running through my head. I know its daft to keep thinking of things that happened in the past. Any advice?

Interview went ok, although rather short finished in 40 minutes. But I often think that and still have no job...

After your responses I emailed my op and further to my counsellor whilst I was speaking to him (and promptly threw up everywhere ). I am about to open a bottle of wine to get some courage to speak about some things with DH, who, in case you're interested has not yet asked about the interview.

I am back to sleeping on the floor tonight (I have been for the two weeks previous to the last couple of days) because DH is going quite loopy with lack of sleep (insomnia). He is not himself at the moment and I don't know how to help him. But I can not go on like this, I have no energy left.

Snowflaked, even if you do not get the job , know that it was time well spent...the more interviews you do, the easier they will get. Fingers crossed for you just the same.

I agree with what AF said earlier about your husband making you dependent on him through pregnancy/children. From what you posted about his behavior towards the children, it is impossible to believe that he wants another child because he cherishes and adores them. Imho, his want is to use them to control you.

I will guess he planned in advance to kick off on his tantrum last night and put the blame on you for disturbing him...he was sabotaging your job interview. If you get a job, then you have an independent source of income, and that means you are that much less dependent on him.

I am very glad you have a counselor. At this point, I would like to suggest not talking to your husband about these issues- unless you need to clear agreement to purchase a mattress or spare bed for you to sleep on. But then again, you need your sleep too - get yourself a bed. Just do it. Sleeping on the floor is just degrading and never restful. (Does he ever take a turn on the floor at the weekend? ) Get your counselor's input first about the discoveries you have made with this thread. Think first. Read a couple of books first, The Women Who Love Too Much is another good one.

Insomnia is dreadful. But you did not cause it and you should not be punished for it. Do you feel like he is interfering with your sleep? Sleep deprivation is a control tactic, (not to mention a recognized form of torture). Are you choosing to sleep on the floor, or is he kicking you out (or behaving in such a way that you do not want to fight to stay in your own bed) of the bed/bedroom so you have no choice but to sleep on the floor?

Compromise does not mean be a doormat. Someone said that up thread, it is worth repeating.

You may benefit from taking charge of contraception and going on the pill regardless of whether you end up deciding/accepting that your husband is abusive. Because no form of contraception is 100% anyway, and you might fall accidentally pregnant using condoms.

If that were to happen, would you be really suspicious that he had - accidentally or deliberately - damaged a condom?

If you would suspect him, then you must have some back up contraception of your own. Because otherwise any trust that you have left in him would be destroyed anyway in the event of a faulty condom/pregnancy scare.

I do also think it sounds like he is trying to stop you working because he would prefer you at home having children.

I am pleased that you felt the interview was ok. Considering what you've had piled onto you in the past few days you did brilliantly to produce a competent performance in interview. I wouldn't worry about it being too short. Any job I've got, the interviews have all been around this timeframe or less.
I didn't want to mention it before your interview and upset you even more, but I to am convinced that your H deliberately set out to sabotage you. He doesn't want you to get a job. He likes having you dependent while berating you for not contributing.
Look at how beaten down he has you. Sleeping on the floor for weeks on end. What sort of person lets their partner do this without trying to help or come up with a solution?
Do get counselling, take some time to think and read some of the books mentioned. Don't try and talk to h yet until you are a bit stronger and surer in your mind. You need to realise you deserve better than this and so do your kids.

It's ok, it's not literally on the floor, I have a fold-out mattress. It's intended use was if I needed to be with the DC if one was ill. It's not too bad, and its a damned sight more restful than not daring to turn over or move the duvet (or lieing there for a couple of hours desperate for a wee!) in case I wake him. His solution is to move the whole flat around, lose a room, the play space for the kids and well, a load of bollocks that I have refused to do. We are trying to sell anyway. He won't sleep on the floor because we have an open plan flat so the bedrooms are the only ones with doors we can shut. So if the DC wake in the night they would wake him if he were to sleep on the floor. He did try a couple of nights last month but it didn't end well, he doesn't sleep on the mattress he finds it too uncomfy. There is no space for another bed. To be honest, I don't care so long as I can sleep I've had enough sleep deprivation this past four years to take what I can get.

My counsellor actually gave me an emergency (that's the wrong word, but I guess you know what I mean) Skype session this afternoon so it wasn't without his input. He told me what to talk about and what i was not to mention to DH. (It went ok, better than expected. He didn't say much, but I hope he has something to think about.) We didn't actually discuss what was in the email, he will leave it until he judges I'm ready to talk about it I suppose. Which to be fair, was not today.

OK, so you're not too bad on the camp bed, and it is probably easier for you to tend to the children from there anyway, without having to worry about him.

Please make an appointment with your gp to sort out contraception.

Glad the interview went OK. Please, even if you don't get this one, keep trying, don't be downhearted. The right one will come along. Whatever you do though, don't give up.

It's hard not to get downhearted! I've been looking since DC1 was 10 months. I was actually offered the perfect job, they didn't interview me or advertise it, just remembered me from a previous interview but I had to turn it down as it was maternity cover for someone who was due the same time as DC2. I foolishly forgot to ask the time frame to expect a response, but going from past experiences it could be anything from a week to a month before they get back to me.

The doctor really pushed me to go on the mirena last time he saw me, but I've read all the info about it and am scared to go on, plus which I don't have the money for it at the moment (not in the Uk), the coil is not suitable for me and I didn't get on well with the pill last time I was on it. Sleeping in different rooms is enough at the moment, he won't disturb his sleep time routine!

Is his behaviour really so wrong? I thought we were a normal family.

Yes it is really seriously wrong. He tricked you into having unprotected sex. How could you ever trust him again?

Also can I point out that your last job opportunity was scuppered by dc2. He's now trying to scupper any other opportunities by getting you pregnant again against your will.

Your husband is very selfish and the reason you can't let go of the condom incident, is that the consequences of his utterly selfish behaviour would have been monumental and borne by you alone.

Not letting go is your conscious telling you that this monumental breach of your trust has not been resolved to your satisfaction and it wash't an isolated incident but part of a pattern of selfish behaviour you can longer ignore.

If you continue having sex with this man you must take oral contraception, he obviously isn't to be trusted.

This level of selfishness will only escalate if left unchallenged, right now you are exhausted and very vulnerable, so it may not be the best time for challenges. However, being subjected to this pattern of selfish behaviour and the subsequent resentment it breeds will at best destroy your love for this man and at worst, destroy your sense of self worth.

If you continue having sex with this man you must take oral contraception, he obviously isn't to be trusted. Do not trust him with contraception.

There are different types of pill so you may get on ok with a different type.

It isn't normal to feel that you have little control over contraception or the timings of when you have children.I was in a relationship like this and thought it was normal to have to make compromises on these things but it really is not.

Also I am wondering how old dc2 is because you said that you had agreed there would be no discussions about a third until dc2 is one year old. Will they be one soon? How does the third fit with you wanting to get a job sorted? Is he trying to scupper your chances of finding work because he would prefer you at home pregnant with your third?

That's alright, according to my counsellor I have no sense of self worth. It's something he wants to address. DC2 is nearly 17 months.

A 40min interview isn't short, it's very good! At least in my place the bad ones tend to go in 15 mins and the good ones tend to last half an hour or more.

Good luck - I think a job would massively help you, but your partner is well out of order here. He has chosen to believe that working gives him superiority over you, and that he needs the most support in everything. But you're not getting less, you're getting nothing. It's just not fair.

Hello Snowflaked,
Try to reframe your perspective. It is difficult to not be down-hearted especially when you have been so worn down. Try to think of all the information, guidance, and friendship on this thread as empowering.

Perhaps you feel somewhere between disappointed and devastated that what you held as "normal" needs to change. You are a parent and you are evolving in your maturity to meet the needs and challenges that come with having children. And it sounds like you have since your first arrived.

However, imho, your husband has not evolved in maturity, and he very likely will not, perhaps, ever. That he dictates to you that he is your first priority speaks to this. Just knowing this one fact, I would say he is not good father material, sorry.

Another way to protect yourself regarding contraception, is to study the rhythem method. This focuses on your cycle, so you can abstain from activity when you know you are ovulating. I would not use this as your first line of defence though.

Goodness no, don't rely on the rhythm method! I had to for a while and luckily we wanted children, as I fell pg 3 times (lost the first 2). I think that if you do include it in your battery of contraceptives you should not mention it to dh as he may also use that to control you, ie, ask if it's a safe time and if it isn't insist that he has sex anyway.

I don't know what to say really. Im a bit lost. It seems daft to jeopardise our family because I can't let go of the past. I don't have a reason for wanting to use another contraception though and he would want to know why. Because we discussed it and concluded condoms were the best. He would find out when he got the bill.

You don't have a reason? How about not wanting to get pregnant?! Have a quick Google of "contraception effectiveness" - condoms come quite a long way down the list of effective methods, and actually a lot of men hate them. I can't help feeling the appeal in your H's case is that it is 100% under his control, whereas there would be nothing he could do about an implant or a coil if he fancied sabotaging your employment prospects again .

Reason - I'm not comfortable with condoms. I want to feel more in control of the contraception.
Got what bill? If you have joint account with joint access just take the cash out. He won't know what you spent it on.

Please take control of contraception. It impacts far more on you, than him.

Look, in a normal relationship, you would simply say that having thought about it, you really are not ready to risk having another pg at the moment, that you want to use something more effective than condoms, and that you're going to make an appt to see the doc to discuss the options. A reasonable man will say OK.

In a mutually respectful partnership, you might have a chat about the pros and cons of having children close together and spreading them apart, but you won't feel pressured, guilt-tripped, coerced, and above all your need not to be pg again right now will be respected. Also your desire to bump up your contraception will be logical.

Is that what you expect to happen if you talk to him?

I wonder if you can't let go of the contraception incident because there are actually many other incidents that you have suppressed your anger about. But now due to this very upsetting thing the others are bubbling up too and hence you can't put it behind you.
If DH has problems with insomnia so that he can't help you with DCs at night he should be making up for it by helping more through the day/ evening. But it doesn't sound as if he does.
If you don't want sex at bed time (very understandably) is there another time you could manage, then you don't have guilt about that on your conscience too (not that you should feel guilt but you might be happier without feeling you 'owe' DH because of it).

You don't have to see it as 'jeopardizing your family because you can't let go of the past'. You could instead see it as protecting your family, because you don't want and could not cope with a third right now. If having another baby would be so wrong for you right now, then it would be wrong for the family as a whole.

Oh god, I didn't even hear DC1 last night. Explains why DH didn't speak to me when he got up. I didn't sleep well night before last, was exhausted last night. Woke when DH came in to the living room to get whisky, so I was surprised he was in a grump this morning. Turns out that was midnight, he took a sleeping tablet and whisky aiming to sleep a long night and at 1 DC1 went in and shook him awake. I didn't even hear him get up :'( I am such a failure as a mummy. He went looking for me and I didn't notice. I feel awful. So, DH had only a couple of hours sleep and is nursing a pill/whiskey hangover for nothing. And right after I'd got him to agree I could go out for a couple of hours on the weekend (I know it sounds daft, but its the second time this year, third in the last 4 years so its kind of a big thing for me) so I hope he doesn't refuse now.