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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Moving past previous arguments

116 replies

Snowflaked · 08/09/2013 19:11

I keep thinking about something that happened quite a while ago now and I can't just forget about it. I'm concerned it's causing me to resent my DH a bit and its not healthy for our relationship. I don't want to bring it up because we argued it through at the time, he felt very bad about it and apologised, I accepted his apology and we moved on. So I really shouldn't be thinking of it any more, but I do and I'd like a bit of perspective and ask how you would deal with a delayed feeling of betrayal.

Since DC2 was born we decided that as I was breastfeeding her I shouldn't take any hormonal contraception and we just used condoms. One time we dropped the packet, DH found it and opened it. Afterwards, I got into a panic thinking that it had split and asked him if he had checked. He answered that he hadn't even used it. I was FURIOUS. Really, madly angry with him. I know, overreaction. I would never have had sex if I had known. DC2 was five months, I was still feeling the effects of having given birth, absolutely exhausted from feeding and the lack of sleep (DC1 also not sleeping through) and quite frankly petrified at the thought of being pregnant again (morning sickness for 20+ weeks, exhaustion etc). I would never have taken a risk like that. DH's answer was that maybe it wasn't the worst time to have a third... I said that I couldn't. I just couldn't risk it. And used the line that you're supposed to wait a year before getting pregnant again anyway. He told me to do whatever I wanted to do. I must admit that I was totally freaked out and went to the chemist for the morning after pill. Which gave me a horror of a day because it meant I couldn't feed DC2 for 8 hours and she wouldn't take anything else, no milk, nothing.

He apologised, I accepted. We left it at that. Except that I can't really forget about it. At first I was really angry, then nothing but now I don't know how to describe it almost betrayed by him I think. I know I'm being stupid and he has every right to decide what contraception we use but I still get a "I can't believe he did that" running through my head. I know its daft to keep thinking of things that happened in the past. Any advice?

OP posts:

clam · 09/09/2013 10:16

Not contributing to the house?! How about taking care of his children?

magicturnip · 09/09/2013 10:18

I'm sorry but your husband does not sound nice. You are blaming yourself for not making things 'good enough' for him when you shouldn't. The unprotected sex thing was disgraceful of him. I think you should have more respect for yourself and your contribution to the household, even of your husband does not.

GettingStrong · 09/09/2013 10:30

Why do you think he is so keen on a third child if he does so little to help out?

And you have a smaller age gap than you wanted between your first two children because he pressed for another child so soon?

He doesn't sound very nice.

I m not surprised you struggle to forgive him about the contraception thing. I imagine you must feel so upset that he doesn't do more to help out with the children and yet he seems to have thought he could add to your workload by being careless enough to risk having a third.

Original poster

Snowflaked · 09/09/2013 11:47

As to a third, it's just something we said before we had children and both of us always said we would like three. We are both have only one sibling and can see the advantages of another. It turned out ok in hindsight because I wouldn't want to change DC2, but I was a couple of months into a work experience placement and hoping to get a job out of it. That kind of scuppered those plans and I still haven't managed to find anything.

Assault? Really? That's a little ott isn't it. It's not like I didn't want to have sex with him.

I suspect one of the main issues for him is that I prioritise the children and he thinks they should come second.

OP posts:

LayMeDown · 09/09/2013 11:57

There was no consent to unprotected sex. If my DH had sex with me in a manner I did not consent to, I would consider it assault (in fact I would consider it rape). If you consented to vaginal sex and he penetrated you anally would you not consider it assault? You consented to protected sex, and against your wishes (which he knew) and without your consent he had unprotected sex with you. No I don't consider it OTT at all to call it assault.
You didn't want to have unprotected sex with him and that is the point. The fact that you didn't know is irrelevant. I consider it no different from him having sex with you while you are unconscious.

He considers that the children should come second to what? To him? That tells you everything you need to know. I bet he doesn't think they should come second to you. Where do you come in his pecking order?

CailinDana · 09/09/2013 12:33

You do realise you're entirely entitled to refuse sex whenever you like?

Original poster

Snowflaked · 09/09/2013 12:58

In principle yes. But when you're in a relationship you have to find a compromise don't you.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 09/09/2013 13:01

Compromise does not mean doing what he wants regardless of how you feel. That's clearly what he thinks should be happening given that he punishes you for saying no.

AnyFucker · 09/09/2013 13:08

This man wants you trapped by pregnancy and child rearing

Jux · 09/09/2013 15:20

Please listen to AnyFucker, she knows what she's talking about. The same is true of Cailin, and many others on this thread.

He is setting you up for a life of dependency, surrounded by children to keep you where you ought to be and nicely subservient to him as you will depend on him for 'all things good' as long as you behave.

Yes, it is at least assault to have unprotected sex when you have only consented to protected sex. Yes, it is rape when you don't want sex but have it because the consequences of not having sex are to be punished (in any way). It is YOUR body and it does not exist for anyone else's pleasure; it is your decision alone whether and when you want to share that pleasure with someone else, be you married or not. You are in charge of it, and if you don't want sex you are well within your rights to say "not tonight".

He does not have rights over your body and if you don't want another child then he has no right to force or teick you into becoming pg. if he didn't want a child he would rightly be furious if he were to have unprotected sex with a woman who lied about being on the pill, wouldn't he?

His attitude is digusting.

BookWorm37 · 09/09/2013 16:10

Also you do have the right to make the decision about which contraception you use. Make it your responsibility if he won't, take control of your own body and go on the pill or get a coil- whatever YOU choose, he can't stop you.

GettingStrong · 09/09/2013 16:28

What do you mean you have to compromise on?

You don't have to compromise by ceasing to use contraception when you don't really want to fall pregnant. Although you are in a couple the reality is that you are the one who gets pregnant and gives birth, and you are the one doing the vast majority of childcare. You can be in control and make your own decisions about your body here, even if you don't feel like you can.

Of course with hindsight you don't regret having your second child, but it does sound like your work plans were seriously affected by having to have your second when you did. Although you don't regret your second child, it is still not right if you were pressured into stopping with contraception and having that child before you wanted to.

Original poster

Snowflaked · 09/09/2013 19:04

I...don't really know what to say. I've read all of your posts. My head is spinning now and I need...i dont know, some soace? I have to try and prepare for a job interview and clear my head so I can think straight.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 09/09/2013 19:09

How are you feeling?

Original poster

Snowflaked · 09/09/2013 19:22

Not so great. That should say 'space' not soace, sorry!

OP posts:

CailinDana · 09/09/2013 19:29

That's understandable. Would you rather leave the thread and post again when you're under less pressure?

AnyFucker · 09/09/2013 20:57

Take whatever time you need, of course. Thinking about this kind of stuff applying to yourself is a massive shock. Or maybe you totally rail against it ? I would understand both. Mumsnet is always here if you want to talk more.

Jux · 10/09/2013 08:42

How was the interview? I hope it went well. Sorry I missed your post saying you had it, so I failed to wish you luck.

Original poster

Snowflaked · 10/09/2013 08:55

I've not had it yet. It's this afternoon. I am trying to prepare for it but I just cannot concentrate (being on here probably doesn't help!). I've had an awful nights sleep. DH maintains I woke him up by jumping into bed (I did not, I climbed in as quietly as I could, minutes after he asked when I was going to bed) and then he huffed and puffed and tossed and turned for a while muttering about how he wouldn't be able to sleep for hours now. He decided to read then the first few times I fell asleep he bounced on the bed or leant back on he headboard so I could see what it felt like to be woken up. Then DC2 woke at 1 so I migrated to her room and slept on the floor next to her cot until 5 when she decided it would be the perfect time to start the day...
I have to stop thinking of this and focus. But I feel wiped out, that I have no energy to fight for this job even though I know I need to get it.

OP posts:

GettingStrong · 10/09/2013 09:06

Good luck for this afternoon.

If the children are in childcare today too, maybe you could have a sleep this morning.

LayMeDown · 10/09/2013 10:58

Good luck.

Just focus on the interview, block everything about your H out for this afternoon. Getting a job would be great for you.

Give it your best shot. Let us know how you got on won't you?

absentmindeddooooodles · 10/09/2013 11:08

Good luck x

Jux · 10/09/2013 11:25

Good luck, Snowflaked. (I got my days mixed up - often do - thought today was Wednesday ).

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 10/09/2013 12:52

What a horrible selfish abusive man.

Does he have any good points at all?

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 10/09/2013 14:33

Snowflaked,
I hope your interview went well.
I have read through your thread and am also about your "d"h's behavoir.

Being a monster is a choice, tired or not. Actually, imho, he doesn't sound that charming when rested. "Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft available at Amazon but don't let him see it, might be better to look for it in the library, or order it through a brick and mortar book store.

My advice, for immediate consideration, would be to stop sleeping with him. I do not mean no sex, I mean bunk in with Dc2. His behavior last night, on the eve of your interview, was so outlandishly immature...it really tipped his hand didn't it? He had a tantrum and punished you with more sleep deprivation (as if you did not have enough from being sole caregiver ro the dc). Move out of the bedroom.

I did, in with dd2-I had her when I was 46so talk about tired, but because my husband snores (I have an air mattress with a 4"foam mattress topper -really isn't too bad!). And my dh,48 at the time, would take his turn to get up in the middle of the night and sleep with the baby on his chest in the lazy boy if she was fussy. I am a sahm, and he is a workaholic, regular 12 hr workday. He just laughs at fatigue, and enjoys telling the new fathers at work that they will never get another good night of sleep again. He adores his children.

Why on earth, how did it come to be, that you think, he thinks, he is the one to be in control of contraception? Is there a religious component at work here?, are you associated with a cult?, or does he expect you to point blank follow his ideas/commandments/orders?

My advice on this point , would be for you to do what was mentioned up thread and be in charge of your contraception for yourself. You do not need to discuss this with your husband...let him continue to use condoms for double protection. But now you would not need to be upset when he is so thouroughly disrespects you and tries to trick you again. That was unforgivable, and your gut instinct is right on the mark. Sometimes words are just so much lip service. Forgive, as you have, but do not forget. I would not trust him with that again.

However, given his character that you have described here, I would seriously consider changing your mind and not have another child (with him). Please understand that you are not bound by a comment of what you thought you wanted straight out of uni, ok? It is perfectly ok to change your mind, and could be well justified to him by considering all the extra nocturnal noise a third would undoubtedly create.

Sorry to have made such a long post. I agree with what everyone else has posted, including the guidance offered on consent.

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