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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Moving past previous arguments

116 replies

Snowflaked · 08/09/2013 19:11

I keep thinking about something that happened quite a while ago now and I can't just forget about it. I'm concerned it's causing me to resent my DH a bit and its not healthy for our relationship. I don't want to bring it up because we argued it through at the time, he felt very bad about it and apologised, I accepted his apology and we moved on. So I really shouldn't be thinking of it any more, but I do and I'd like a bit of perspective and ask how you would deal with a delayed feeling of betrayal.

Since DC2 was born we decided that as I was breastfeeding her I shouldn't take any hormonal contraception and we just used condoms. One time we dropped the packet, DH found it and opened it. Afterwards, I got into a panic thinking that it had split and asked him if he had checked. He answered that he hadn't even used it. I was FURIOUS. Really, madly angry with him. I know, overreaction. I would never have had sex if I had known. DC2 was five months, I was still feeling the effects of having given birth, absolutely exhausted from feeding and the lack of sleep (DC1 also not sleeping through) and quite frankly petrified at the thought of being pregnant again (morning sickness for 20+ weeks, exhaustion etc). I would never have taken a risk like that. DH's answer was that maybe it wasn't the worst time to have a third... I said that I couldn't. I just couldn't risk it. And used the line that you're supposed to wait a year before getting pregnant again anyway. He told me to do whatever I wanted to do. I must admit that I was totally freaked out and went to the chemist for the morning after pill. Which gave me a horror of a day because it meant I couldn't feed DC2 for 8 hours and she wouldn't take anything else, no milk, nothing.

He apologised, I accepted. We left it at that. Except that I can't really forget about it. At first I was really angry, then nothing but now I don't know how to describe it almost betrayed by him I think. I know I'm being stupid and he has every right to decide what contraception we use but I still get a "I can't believe he did that" running through my head. I know its daft to keep thinking of things that happened in the past. Any advice?

OP posts:

Original poster

Snowflaked · 12/09/2013 06:29

laymedown any doctors appointments and resulting prescriptions get listed on our insurance report which they send (to him, because he's the 'head' of the family-can you tell this is not the uk?) every couple of months.

I can't cope with this at the moment. I'm not good on little sleep, i tend to go off the rails a bit and think in the wrong directions, and I was awake at 3 because I had back and neck ache and DC2 was up at 5 for her milk and decided she might as well stay up. I'm exhausted, physically and mentally. I'm not going to do anything until I have spoken to my counsellor again. No offence intended but I need to hear what someone who knows me has to say.

He has just decided that having sex in the evening will disturb his going to sleep routine so I guess as long as I am sleeping on the floor here that abstinence is the method of choice. Which, I think, is what I need at the moment.

OP posts:

joanofarchitrave · 12/09/2013 06:34

'any doctors appointments and resulting prescriptions get listed on our insurance report which they send'

Original poster

Snowflaked · 12/09/2013 06:43

I used to complain of the ineptness of the doctors when I was in the uk but the system had its advantages!

OP posts:

joanofarchitrave · 12/09/2013 06:52

Sod the doctors, where are the lawyers? Is there no expectation of /legislation for medical confidentiality at all?

marriednotdead · 12/09/2013 06:52

I have just skim read this entire thread, and am saddened that you accept your DH's behaviour as normal. It's not.

Your needs, wants and desires don't get a look in anywhere. And allowing you to go out?!

YOU are not coping through lack of sleep. YOU don't get the luxury of a whiskey/sleeping tablet/comfortable bed.

Not being in paid employment does not make you less of an equal to anyone- except he thinks otherwise.

You are being bullied and controlled.

I hope your counsellor can help you to stand up for yourself.

CailinDana · 12/09/2013 08:11

The not waking up happens to everyone the only reason you stress about it is because your dick of a husband punishes you for it. How often do you allow him to go out?

Jux · 12/09/2013 08:15

Where are your family based? Are you on good terms with them? Would they be helpful with children? Could you go to stay with family just for a couple of weeks or a month, with children, for a bit of a rest and to get a bit of day to day help? You'll be able to think so much more clearly if you got some decent sleep.

Original poster

Snowflaked · 12/09/2013 08:28

He doesnt often go out in the evenings to be fair. Mainly a couple of times around Christmas and two or the times throughout the year. During the day he goes running a few times a week and at the weekends a couple of hours on his bike.
It's not a question of allowing really. He doesn't say mo, but last time I went out he spent the whole evening telling the children that I didn't want to spend time with them. He said of course it's not a problem that I go out this weekend but at ten he will start his going to bed routine (earplugs etc) which means that if they do wake then he will either be angry with them (and me for ruining his chance of a good nights sleep) or ignore them.

Jux UK, no, no and no.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 12/09/2013 08:36

So he "lets" you go out but then tries to poison your children against you?

OhDearNigel · 12/09/2013 08:49

I am reading this thread literally open mouthed. OP, this behaviour is not in the past. It is in the present and will fill your whole future unless you decide to leave this horrible man.

marriednotdead · 12/09/2013 09:12

It gets worse

He doesn't stop you in the literal sense, but there's a very nasty price tag attached to going out, and in fact to pretty much anything he disapproves of.

I'll say it again. THIS IS NOT NORMAL AND IT'S NOT OK.

Jux · 12/09/2013 09:19

Snowflaked, this just gets worse and worse and worse.

Original poster

Snowflaked · 18/09/2013 14:22

A couple of you asked that I let you know how the interview went. I just heard back - didn't get it, they gave it to an internal candidate who has (obviously) knowledge and experience of the field which I don't.

OP posts:

Jux · 18/09/2013 17:51

Bad luck, Snowflaked, I'm sorry. They clearly don't know what's good for them and were employers unworthy of you! The right job will come. Keep trying. Dispiriting, I know, but tomorrow's another day and all that.....

How are thing otherwise? Did you get your evening out? Were there consequences?

Original poster

Snowflaked · 18/09/2013 21:22

Will it. It's nearly 3.5 years now that I've been looking for a job. I'm unemployable.
I did go out on my evening out thanks! It was fun, I was just getting ready (15 mins before due to leave as I'd had to sort dinner etc) when I was handed DD and had to put her to bed. But I managed to get out and DH clearly had a bit of a guilty conscience (or embarassment of what the others would think?) as he said whilst I was getting dinner ready that if being back by ten meant I was to miss dessert, then it was ok if I stayed to finish it. As it happened, we were still finishing the main course at ten, so I had a couple of angry texts (that I'd missed as I'd decided to put my phone in my bag and ignore it) asking where I was because he was tired and falling asleep. I got home by 1020 ish though so he wasn't too annoyed in the end. I apologised and he went to bed happy. I was drunk and had a hangover the next day so I wasn't very patient with the kids. Took me til mid afternoon to realise it though and take something for it and then it was all better. Did not appreciate the kids getting up at 5 though! The others stayed up til around then drinking, so maybe I was well out of it, even if it was a bit embarrassing to leave early.

Still sleeping on the floor although he has suggested I move back into our bed on Friday.

OP posts:

Jux · 18/09/2013 21:34

Oh, Friday night is sex night, then.

Glad you had a good time out. Shame you had to rush your meal. Shame you had any angry texts. You really are there just to service him, aren't you?

Original poster

Snowflaked · 18/09/2013 21:43

Well then, at least there's some purpose to my life.

OP posts:

marriednotdead · 18/09/2013 21:56

Jux · 18/09/2013 22:50

Oh Snowflaked, you are worth so much more than this.

haverer · 18/09/2013 23:37

Snowflaked you're not making a fuss about something that happened in the past. This abusive and controlling behaviour is happening right now. It's not normal, it's no way to live and your DC will not thank you for keeping all of you together in the same house as this man.

Normal men do not strop when they don't get sex on demand. Normal men don't make their partners feel grateful for a night out a year when they get time to do their own thing several times a week. Normal men do not have their entire family walking on eggshells in case his precious sleep gets disturbed. Normal men do not 'get revenge' for being disturbed by repeatedly waking up their wife.

Original poster

Snowflaked · 19/09/2013 08:35

Ah, no. I'm just blowing things out of proportion as usual. I need to be grateful for what I have. I'm just overwhelmingly tired at the moment (I've just committed the parenting crime of putting a film on and going back to bed for 40 minutes ). I've thought about leaving but my counsellor says that I mustn't because the children need me (although he can't give me a reason why ) and it would be selfish if I did. I'm not sure he's right to be honest, but I promised him I wouldn't. I think I just need a few full nights of sleep, in a row preferably and things will be a bit better. That's a long distant memory...

OP posts:

Jux · 19/09/2013 08:57

Change your counsellor. He sounds biased, like he's got an axe to grind and is using you as a grinder. You've already found a hole in his argument (your children need you to be happy btw, not ground down, helpless and subjected to someone else's will).

Did you choose him? Please don't feel you have to keep promises to strangers at the cost of your own happiness and health, and your children's. The counsellor himself is not important. Change him.

Original poster

Snowflaked · 19/09/2013 09:06

Yes, I went to him for help. He's not a stranger, he's the only person I know I can trust.

OP posts:

NothingsLeft · 19/09/2013 09:22

What a sad thread. I initially though it was a wind up but realised it really is your life.

You sound lovely OP and deserve much more than this. What a horrible way to live.

Jux · 19/09/2013 09:50

Can he help you find a way to tell your h that you have to have a couple of nights just sleeping, and he must do the childcare (kindly) or you will become ill?

Was this counsellor a friend? What are his views on marriage? Is he married himself? Why does he say you can't leave, taking the children with you? Or is he saying you can't leave the children, rather than you can't leave h? Are there refuges for women where you are? Are there services for women there, like Women's Aid here?

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