Bewildered and confused

[bewilderedagain]

Am so confused and bewildered (again) that I could use some support in helping me see the wood from the trees.

I have been with my DP just over 6 years. We live together and our dcs are both grown up and live elsewhere.

95% of the time our relationship is great, He is understanding, funny, kind, loyal etc, etc.

Except when we row.

Rows used to be very infrequent....about 3 a year at most if that.

In the last 6 weeks I can count at least 4. If I give you just an example of last nights you might be able to give me some perspective.

Started over something really stupid (don't they all?) Wanted a Chinese takeaway, usual one wasn't taking orders so looked online and found another and ordered.

Messed about...order arrived 1 hr 20 mins later after 3 phone calls....arrived in bag which had spilt the food everywhere so that was the end of that.

Annoying but not the end of the world. I offered to make bacon sandwiches to be told 'fuck that I'll go and get a takeaway myself". I told him quite calmly that if he did that I would be calling the police as he would be over the limit. ( The simple reason neither of us went out earlier to collect was that we had a drink. Not a lot but enough to be over the limit. He has never ever thought it would be ok to ride his motorbike after drinking)

He then yelled at me to phone another place and he would walk and pick it up. I have told him recently that I won't respond if he shouts at me and that as such he could phone them himself.

Then followed a barrage of shouting at me telling me I'm just like all woman in that I needle and wind him up and then ask innocently "what have I done wrong?"

I genuinely did not know what I had done wrong and when I tried to talk to him was met "oh just fuck off!" several times. His face was absolutely contorted with rage.

He then proceeded to tell me that I had rowed with him earlier in the day and "why wouldn't I just bloody listen" Plumber came out, made boiler situation worse...ok now we need to sort out. Not a problem. The plumber had told him all sorts of things couldn't be done and we would need a new radiator. DP says he thinks that is bullshit and he will speak to his boss (Knowledgeable) and ask him. I asked a few questions about why couldn't we do this or that just to try to understand. I then said ok shall we call British Gas and we agreed we would. Sorted. No raised voices, no frustration just a conversation (in my head) Later in the evening he was shouting that I had argued with him about this..."you never bloody listen, you always have to bloody argue" There wasn't an argument! There really wasn't. I remember...I was there.

It isn't the first time he's accuse me of arguing when I merely wanted clarification about something and to ask some questions (I work with people I don't understand the ins and outs of machines around the home etc.)

This might sound trivial but it is making me very uneasy.
Am I forgetting things? Did we have a row and I really can't remember it? Is it a row if I ask questions? I wasn't saying I know better (I don't)

I asked him to tell me what I had said that he thought was me arguing, mainly so I could actually see what he was getting at. He told me to "fuck off and leave him alone " and sneered "of course you never do anything wrong do you?" Well obviously that's not the case but on this occasion I am genuinely bewildered.

So, I get accused of arguing but when I try to ask what I said that he perceived as arguing (because that would actually help) I get told to fuck off and shut up.

I think this has now happened once too often and that we are through which breaks my heart.

Am I over thinking it?
Perhaps it's not really that bad?

Please can anyone help me see what might be happening?

I am genuinely bewildered

Thanks

I think it's probably not worth engaging Jagdkuh in conversation. Best ignored.

OP just about to catch up- how are you feeling today?

AF, think my head would explode if I ever met a non-reading librarian!

OP, hope you are OK. I am on ADs too and can still function fine at work.

Hi GuybrushThreepwoodMP
I feel a bit strange to be honest. Kind of numb. He came home from work and we have not spoken a word. He is now upstairs.

He has the rest of the week off. He was supposed to be coming to the dentist with me tomorrow. My dentist is an hour drive away as I go to a specialist (phobia), but I will go by myself.

We were supposed to be going to the IOW on Wednesday for 3 nights camping. The weather forecast is terrible so I might change the campsite booking for a later date and just book myself into a b and b.

Normally when this happens I am either angry or so upset. I am neither at the moment.

Thank you for asking, it really helps to have support.

I have read through this thread again today which helps me see things as they are ...just in case my mind starts playing tricks.

Hi Gurlwiththecurl
Glad ads help you.
To be honest if I wasn't on them then my clients would have to worry.

Don't tell anyone but we also have a member of staff who has bipolar.....outrageous!

God I would be absolutely fascinated to hear it all from his point of vote. I am in full support of you obviously, but he must think his behaviour is acceptable and I would love to know how.
Even if you DID do something wrong and there was an argument which you somehow provoked (and I know this is not the case), surely he should be calmly honest and explain how you behaved, tell you he still loves you, reassure you that the row is over and help you to understand. Not just shut you down and tell you to fuck off. Like you say, if you have really made his life that miserable (and again- I know you haven't) then he should just leave. In staying, he is trying to make himself the victim and I don't like it at all.

Anyway, I think you seem to have achieved some sort of clarity. You know what happened, you know what you want so it is just a case of working out a plan.

*view

Leics directorate by any chance??

I don't like it either GuybrushThreepwoodMP

I know if I were to go to him now and ask to talk he would either tell me to leave him alone or he would twist it until I couldn't untangle it in my head.

Hello bewildered,
You sound brilliant. It is amazing how insidious this gaslighting/emotional abuse is. It is absolutely textbook, from my point of view, but also slippery. But that is the nature of the beast - now you see it, now you don't. Did I really see that? Am I going mad? Am I being unreasonable? What is it I actually did? You've gone past the stage where you are desperate to know what it is you did - that's brilliant. Because you've done NOTHING. This man is using whatever levers he has to make you think you are going slightly mad. But he is wrong.

I really get what you are saying about stuff in the house. I remember organising getting a loft ladder fitted, because up until that time I relied on him to get stuff down from the attic. Then, something just shifted in my brain and I must have thought 'What if I want to get stuff down from the attic?'. It is subtle and it is deceptive. No wonder we don't know what we're thinking after a few years of grooming.

My STBXH also wanted to 'look after me' 'take care of me'. He also was solicitous and caring. And then he turned on me. Humiliated me in front of friends and family. He could control me with the threat of him 'losing his rag' or even knowing that I knew he could humiliate me or embarrass me at any stage.

I remember feeling nervous at any social engagement which involved my friends or my family. This became normal for me. When did that start? Why was that?

He had the potential to ruin everything. He made it clear by his actions that he was prepared to ruin things for me. I was scared of him. Scared of the unpredictability. Scared of him being unembarrassable. It might be in a restaurant where he was rude to the waiter. Or he might leave me crying in a restaurant, walk out, leaving me to pay the bill in tears feeling absolutely mortified. He didn't have to carry out his threats very often for me to behave and to fall into line. All he had to signal was his preparedness to ruin things, to show that he had all the wherewithal to carry out the underlying threat. That's how they make you 'behave'.

It doesn't matter about the 5%-95% per cent ratio - as you have worked out by yourself. It doesn't matter how little that amount is - all that matters is that it works on you. I feel outraged that any man could work this number on me. I feel outraged that any man does it to anyone else. Good on you bewildered - don't give him any more time, and DON'T feel guilty when you chuck him out. It cheered me up no end to see that it's your house and he has no claim on it. How fantastic is that compared to many of the stories on here? And he's got his own house a long way away. It won't be long before you are really, really GLAD about that. Good luck.

Poppy

excellent post, poppy

Poppy that sounds horrendous :(

He doesn't do any of those things....apart from this he is almost too good to be true. The kind of man that everyone wants to know if he's got a brother.

That's why it is messing with my head...if he was an out and out bastard it would be easy.

I could almost get past him telling me to fuck off....what I can't get past is me begging to know what it was I said that he construed as arguing and him closing the conversation with "shut up...you're boring me now" It left me with nowhere to go.

Is this how it starts?
Why hasn't it been apparent for the last five and a half years?

I have just told one of my closest friends (by text) she couldn't believe it.

Funny how you got a loft ladder too :)

I wanted a book at the weekend which I thought was in the loft and he said he'd have to move everything. I tried to use the extension ladder but I am the world's clumsiest person and I didn't feel safe.

Thank you for your post ....I'm glad he's a STBXH

I'm so sad

It is sad. My x was super abusive, but noone suspected that. I'm still sad 6 months on. Not that we're separated, but that it went so bad. It took him 12 years to turn into a nutcase, though there were little signs I can recognise now starting from early on.
Doesn't matter though, he makes you mistrust yourself, double and triple check to make sure you did not do it the way he says... It's no way to live, is it?

No you're right it's no way to live.

I'm just staggered that someone can be so lovely yet do this. It's like two different people.

Where has he kept this behaviour hidden for the last five and a half years?

OP I can so identify with your original post almost word for word, and only after reading on here, I realised that it is emotional abuse. I too get the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and am still here trying to maintain a pretence for ds. The only difference now is I know what he is doing, and wise to him and know it is not me that Is being argumentative and controlling. He uses the threat of leaving me if I challenge him on anything as he knows I want to maintain a family unit. I suspect I am close to saying enough is enough though and he is slowly killing any love I have for him. I will know when enough is enough but I will only leave when I low that in my heart that I did try and make it work. Recognise it for what it is, try and detach and keep saying its him not me. God luck, this is no way to live

I'm sorry you're going through this too lupo

It does take a while to realise that you are not doing anything.

I have also been thinking...if I was as bad as he says I was ...would he not have relished the chance to tell me exactly what it was I did?

You are right about detaching and I think that is what I am doing.

It hurts badly to think it could turn out like this

I wish you luck and the strength to leave when the time is right for you

Dear op
I've read your thread and it does sound bewildering.
I hope you don't mind if I just raise the slight possibilty of an early onset dementia type condition, if you have registered changes in his personality.

turbo six months is very early days, still.

turbo I've just re read your post. 12 years to turn into a nutcase sounds very scary. You mention little signs from early on, I am now wondering if there have been little signs which i have subconsciously chosen to ignore.

MissManaged is right, six months is very early days. It's a bereavement of sorts.

I know you are sad but I hope your life is more peaceful now

Early dementia crossed my mind as I read the original post but as your later posts unfolded I changed my mind. I think he knows what he's doing. Hope you get your trip and some thinking space op.

I don't know about the signs being there with your partner. It could be the bravado male thing, or the I'm looking after you. But it could be something else that was not detectable and has only sprung up recently. Mine wasn't helped by excess alcohol intake which increased over time. It makes the mask slip easier, as the proverb goes: children and drunks don't lie.
Sorry to highjack thread! just wanted to hold hand and let you know that sad is fine, aswell as angry or just numb. It seems to alternate in an unfixed pattern!
What you are describing is sadly common abusive behaviour (as many others have pointed out too).
Hope you are well and that you can get a nice holiday away.

I too think he knows exactly what he is doing .

Not a hijack turbo it helps to hear others experiences even though I wish no one would have to go through this.

I have the dentist today which he was supposed to be supporting me with (phobia) Just leaving now....on my own.

Then I shall come home and pack to go away tomorrow....on my own.

Hey ho

I really don't think that men of this kind 'suddenly' develop the behaviour.
It escalates from very small, sometimes 'nice' behaviours, such as the offering to collect you. As has been said repeatedly, it is insidious to the n'th. Which is why so many people on the outside tend to think you have a perfect relationship. The small signs go un-noticed, but they all begin to reduce your self-esteem.
The point at which behaviours 'escalate' is the point when you are sufficiently trained/destabilised/minimised to accept the escalation. That will take varying amounts of time.

Only when you own that you must be stupid & un-reasonable, are they able to turn the screws further. I can give you just one instance.....throwaway comments about map-reading (happens in relationships everywhere, right?) were eventually escalated until I did not want to drive anywhere. A previous poster mentioned 'humiliation'. This hits the nail on the head. Totally.
It takes different people different lengths of time, to realise that 'jokes' have become humiliations, that arguments have stopped being 'balanced'. That fearing their reaction is becoming your standard. That you 'ask' if its OK to ask a question!!

Its about when you wake up to it. Because until that point, you really do think that your life is 'normal' - even that you have a 'good' marriage. I even used to say that we had a "traditional relationship".

You have woken up to reality, OP!!
That is the biggest step of all.
Have a wonderful break away.
Re-connect with the very strong individual who has her own home, a great job, and independence of spirit.
The woman who doesn't need permission from anyone, to ask a question!!

.........be ready, also, for an abject apology when you get back. Because they will sometimes react in that way to a massive challenge. Control may be slipping, and that really worries them.
Trust me, if you allow reversion to the status quo, you pay for the wobbly. The collar loosens temporarily, but later you pay, and pay, and pay.