Bewildered and confused

[bewilderedagain]

Am so confused and bewildered (again) that I could use some support in helping me see the wood from the trees.

I have been with my DP just over 6 years. We live together and our dcs are both grown up and live elsewhere.

95% of the time our relationship is great, He is understanding, funny, kind, loyal etc, etc.

Except when we row.

Rows used to be very infrequent....about 3 a year at most if that.

In the last 6 weeks I can count at least 4. If I give you just an example of last nights you might be able to give me some perspective.

Started over something really stupid (don't they all?) Wanted a Chinese takeaway, usual one wasn't taking orders so looked online and found another and ordered.

Messed about...order arrived 1 hr 20 mins later after 3 phone calls....arrived in bag which had spilt the food everywhere so that was the end of that.

Annoying but not the end of the world. I offered to make bacon sandwiches to be told 'fuck that I'll go and get a takeaway myself". I told him quite calmly that if he did that I would be calling the police as he would be over the limit. ( The simple reason neither of us went out earlier to collect was that we had a drink. Not a lot but enough to be over the limit. He has never ever thought it would be ok to ride his motorbike after drinking)

He then yelled at me to phone another place and he would walk and pick it up. I have told him recently that I won't respond if he shouts at me and that as such he could phone them himself.

Then followed a barrage of shouting at me telling me I'm just like all woman in that I needle and wind him up and then ask innocently "what have I done wrong?"

I genuinely did not know what I had done wrong and when I tried to talk to him was met "oh just fuck off!" several times. His face was absolutely contorted with rage.

He then proceeded to tell me that I had rowed with him earlier in the day and "why wouldn't I just bloody listen" Plumber came out, made boiler situation worse...ok now we need to sort out. Not a problem. The plumber had told him all sorts of things couldn't be done and we would need a new radiator. DP says he thinks that is bullshit and he will speak to his boss (Knowledgeable) and ask him. I asked a few questions about why couldn't we do this or that just to try to understand. I then said ok shall we call British Gas and we agreed we would. Sorted. No raised voices, no frustration just a conversation (in my head) Later in the evening he was shouting that I had argued with him about this..."you never bloody listen, you always have to bloody argue" There wasn't an argument! There really wasn't. I remember...I was there.

It isn't the first time he's accuse me of arguing when I merely wanted clarification about something and to ask some questions (I work with people I don't understand the ins and outs of machines around the home etc.)

This might sound trivial but it is making me very uneasy.
Am I forgetting things? Did we have a row and I really can't remember it? Is it a row if I ask questions? I wasn't saying I know better (I don't)

I asked him to tell me what I had said that he thought was me arguing, mainly so I could actually see what he was getting at. He told me to "fuck off and leave him alone " and sneered "of course you never do anything wrong do you?" Well obviously that's not the case but on this occasion I am genuinely bewildered.

So, I get accused of arguing but when I try to ask what I said that he perceived as arguing (because that would actually help) I get told to fuck off and shut up.

I think this has now happened once too often and that we are through which breaks my heart.

Am I over thinking it?
Perhaps it's not really that bad?

Please can anyone help me see what might be happening?

I am genuinely bewildered

Thanks

As a DV worke I would like to say that abuse is not drink related.
The OP says she can't always say it is alcohol.
Alcohol may disinhibition him to say things, but the things he says are based on the way he feels ie that he is the man, you are the woman, he makes the decisions and you shut up.
Here he is always asking why she has to ask qs, as tho he hath spoken and that should be the end of it, why is she even bothering to understand when he has understood and make the decisions?
Then he says that art of what e loves is her ability to challenge him ie he has had his own way all his life and now here is someone who has her own voice.

My advice.
Same as the other thread really, don't stand for it.
Call it every time and then get yourself away so he can't carry on being controlling, or rather, up the ante of control to get you back under the thumb since you just told him not to speak to you like that.

Can you pay to talk to someone for a bit? Get some support?

You have a lot of stress going on in your life. And your DP's behaviour is making things worse. But taking a step back there is a huge decision to be made. Whether to carry on and try and make things work or decide to split up. I don't see the point of picking after an argument and who said this and who said that. And you said this and no I didn't. And what did you mean by that. Step away from this. And decide whether or not your relationship is worth saving.

something2say I do call it every time but he seems to twist it so that in the end I don't know which way is up.

Like last night he told me all I had to do was phone the takeaway, it didn't need to be all this drama. I would have phoned them had he asked in a civilized manner, why wouldn't I? But he bellowed at me to do it but he keeps insisting he didn't shout.

Now I feel guilty as he will have to leave the house if we split as it is my house.

I do have access to counselling sessions via a health care package that my company provides. That is a good point something2say maybe I could use some sessions to help me clear my head.

Viviennemary we were supposed to be going away for a few days on Wednesday. I will now go by myself and use the time to think. He may make the decision for me and leave...to be honest that feels fine.

OP, I can really identify with your last couple of posts. When I was a child I was always being told "For god's sake let it drop!" because I couldn't bear being accused of something unfairly and would keep on and on explaining what I had actually done or said because I felt it was so unfair to be punished when I hadn't done or said what I was being accused of. I'm still the same. Like you, I will readily and sincerely apologise whenever I have been out of line - and do it quickly, but I simply can't stand unfairness. That sounds childish, because we all know that the world isn't fair - life isn't fair.

To be accused of being argumentative for the sake of it and told to shut up drives me mad and your sentence "just closing the conversation with "fuck off you're boring me now" does my head in" reminded me of that feeling.

Now I didn't post to talk about me, but to say that you really can't go on like this. I'm so sorry that the future you thought you were going to have has been just an illusion and that's a hell of a lot to come to terms with, and it will take a while, but you owe it to yourself to end it. It won't get better if you don't - it will get worse.

Ooops, cross-posted. I was referring to your posts at 12.16 and 12.19.

I really hope you work things out Bewildered whatever you decide to do. I only wrote what I did because I was once an on and on and on type person. Whether I was right or wrong. But I try not to be now. I agree with the trying counselling. If trivial disagreements get blown up out of all proportion there is always an underlying cause. Been there and done that. Good luck!

When you had these conversations where you asked him to clarify and he told you to fuck off, was he sober? I'm appalled that he would speak to you this way- drunk or not. Dots he think it's acceptable to say those things to you and to make out everything's your fault? He is abusing you.
Please don't feel guilty about making him leave the house. You didn't do this. HE did.

Thank you Gruntfuttock (btw have plans to call my house Gruntfuttock Manor)

I'm really tired of it all now. Normally I would be really upset but today I just feel exhausted.

Usually I end up in tears at the sheer frustration...today I cannot be bothered.

I will be worse off financially if we split but I can live with that.

I am sooo tired

He was sober when he told me to fuck off.

I would be a liar if I said I had never told him to do the same but it has been as a parting shot as I removed myself from the situation (probably once or twice)

He said it over and over and told me to shut up because he was bored with me now.

I was like a pathetic child trying to find out what I'd done wrong.

We hardly ever used to row and even when we did never to the point of verbal abuse.

BoozyBear, he has been stressed in the past due to work and irritable but not like this. Work is the best it's ever been for him.

His dear mum has Alzheimers and I know that's not easy but we talk about it and I do my best to help.

Even with the stress I have going on at work I do not take it out on him. Even the other night when I was muttering to myself in the kitchen about work, he told me that he could see how stressed I was but that he thought it was a lovely thing in our relationship that I didn't take it out on him...and I don't.

I don't understand it. If people could see us they would think we had the perfect relationship. I used to think so too.

I don't understand it and I think I am past trying

I am not avoiding honesty, OP, but it is difficult to define a quarter of a century (and massively explosive divorce) in precise stages, because the nice became so lost beneath the fear in the end. Yes, he did treat me well in the beginning, but eventually I came to realise that there were always qualifying factors.
I did not recognise cause & effect for years - and only then with the help of a therapist who identified that many behaviours were not right or healthy.

He would tell me I was the most gorgeous woman in the room. But only because he wanted sex.
He would cuddle me, and make me feel wanted. But only when he wanted sex.
Sex was power.

He would always come to collect me, but would always want to talk about who I had been seeing and what I had done.
He would arrange to celebrate an achievement. Then spend the evening managing to minimising it in a million tiny ways.
He would want to have friends over (in the early years) and then offend them, in subtle ways. Nothing obvious, but one by one I was stripped of people close to me.

He would take me shopping and treat me to expensive clothes. I ended up with a wardrobe worth a fortune....all to his taste. when I first shopped for myself again, I had no idea what I liked any more, and would return things I did like to the rail
He would want to come food shopping (what a rare thing for a man, in those days) but only so he could disagree with my choices, and control exactly what was spent.

We would discuss things. With the long term consequence that I felt I had nothing sensible to add to any conversation.
He would smile at me across a room full of people, with that special look - and he was keeping tabs on every move I made, to critique later. I learned to stay quietly by his side.

He fixed my car, until he declared it would not get through an MOT. And never replaced it. I was far too stupid, by then, to buy one.
He was kind enough to help with my accounts. And said he "trusted me enough to create a joint account". Into which my salary was paid, and his signature was required on all cheques.
He fixed every single aspect of my life. Because I was 'incapable' of fixing anything.

I find it so hard to put into words, and actually don't much want to remember.
As Attila has said, it is a very slow and insidious process. Life for me was calm and serene providing that he managed every aspect.
Eventually he didn't need to shout.
I could tell from 50 feet away, and one raised eyebrow.
I could tell from the way he opened the front door.
I always paid later. After the 'normal' conversation.

I learned never ever to know more than he did about anything. I walked on eggshells. I lost myself utterly.

If I could go back and talk to the girl who agreed to marry the wonderful man who wanted to look after her, take care of her and cherish her, I would scream run, run, RUN.

Thank you for taking the time to post that MissManaged I really hope that hasn't raised any hard feelings for you.

He doesn't do any of that outward controlling stuff....just when I dare to ask questions.

I have realised that I now say to him 'Can I ask you a question about something without you shouting?' ...that's not right

I hope you have found yourself again

he seems to twist it so that in the end I don't know which way is up.
this
he said all I had to do was phone the takeaway, it didn't need to be all this drama
and this
i guess I do wind him up as I ask him to explain
and this
Now I feel guilty
and this
told me to shut up because he was bored with me now
and this
I was like a pathetic child trying to find out what I'd done wrong
and this
I don't understand it
and this
If people could see us they would think we had the perfect relationship
and this

I heard every single one form my XH (substitute anything you like "for phone the takeaway")

He doesn't do any of that outward controlling stuff....just when I dare to ask questions

Thats how it begins.
As I said.

See post below for the things you say, which you are not really yet seeing for what they are.

I feel so sad.

How the hell can someone who has always made me feel so loved now make me feel like this.

If I was to lie down and take this he would make me feel so loved again.

This would become a distant memory....until the next time.

I clearly wind him up so me ending the relationship should make him happy.

Thank you MissManaged

I may need to print this thread out. I have a feeling I am going to need some strength from somewhere if I'm not just going to let this go.

Trust me, OP, sad is a hell of a lot better than suicidal with no sense of yourself remaining.
Which is what you get when you allow If I was to lie down and take this he would make me feel so loved again. This would become a distant memory, until the next time to play on repeat, and repeat and repeat.

I know.
It sounds stupid but there is a part of me that just wishes he was an out and out bastard...my head is mashed.

I only escaped in the end because he did something so far beyond the pale that even I was able to say that it was a clear reason to leave someone.

You are much much stronger, now, than you realise OP. You have acknowledged the way life is and know where it will lead, and have asked him to leave.

Part of what we lose, in this kind of relationship, is trust in our own thinking. You are a strong, capable efficient person and an effective manager - outside the home.

TRUST YOURSELF

MissManaged I totally hear what you are saying.

I'm struggling with my head right now because on one level I know that this isn't right.

On another level I think is it really that bad when everything else is so good?

I also think that compared to the abuse some posters go through, it is minimal. That still doesn't make it right though and I do know that.

I think I need to give myself a good slap!

How sad that he has not responded by wanting to work out together what's gone wrong, and try to put it right. No, his response is almost 'I told you so - I always said you had the upper hand'. There's some deep-seated resentment there isn't there.

nothing else could be good enough to make up for all this. Just because he doesn't actually thump you doesn't mean it is 'good enough'.

a partnership is about discussion and mutual respect. Without those, it is a waste of life.

he has a job and so can find accommodation. You have a house and can live in it. End it and move on.

good luck to you.

Something is going on Walkacrossthesand In the past if we have rowed we have both worked it out when we have calmed down.

This feels different somehow.

The other night he was annoyed about something and shouted for two hours.....again shutting down any attempts to explain by me. It's too long and tedious to go into but any attempt by me to explain was met with "you just don't get it do you?"

I know if we try to discuss this he will end up telling me it's all me.

The thing is...right now I really don't care.