AIBU to feel gutted and feel that dh has totally betrayed my trust here?

[Lisavarna]

By way of back story my dh and i have just had an awful 6 months of fighting. Basically i feel he has behaved really selfishly by taking himself off on 4 trips, two for golf, (5 days in spain and 3 days in donegal) and two trips for concerts, one of them in london, away for 3 days on that one and two days on the other. These trips were all taken between end april and start of august, so around a 11week period.

We have 5 kids and i am a SAHM. These trips put a lot of pressure on me and when i said this was a bit much to be going away he reacted badly, defensively.

Later, much later, and after weeks of not getting on, and him saying some nasty stuff to me he admitted that he HAD been selfish, as life is too busy around may june time with all the kids sports and activities for him to be away all those times and he assured me that it was a once off, and from now on he would plan his trips to fit in around the family and space them out better. The golf trip at the end of april is an annual thing and i dont mind about that as i think it is good for him to have a trip away with his golfing mates, he always comes back really rested. But the other trip, (organised by an old school acquaintance) taken two weeks after spain was taking the piss i felt, and he agreed that it was too much.

This was about a month ago. I have since found out, (heard from the wife of one of the other blokes) that he as already committed to going away on another of these trips organised by the school acquaintance, basically the same trip that was in donegal in may except this time its to be in kerry, at the other end of the country to us, and will be for 3 days.

This is all despite the fact that he is already going away to spain in april, and his brother is getting married in june so i expect there will be a stag do in april or may.

And yet he has committed to this trip as well, despite his promises. And hasnt even bothered to discuss it with me as he knows how i would feel. I feel devastated. We had an awful time this summer and we are meant to be getting our marriage back on track again and yet he is still busy planning his jollies away, more than 8 months in advance.

What catsmother wrote with particular reference to her 4th paragraph.

I still think that this proposed idea is wrong for your children in both the short and long term. A marriage of convenience is what this will become, if it is not already, and that does the children no favours at all.

Your children learn about relationships from the two of you; what lessons do you want to teach them about relationships?.

One day they will leave home; what then for you and your H if you are still together then?.

I worry he could retaliate by withholding money, OP. Do you have a good chunk in your name (for tax purposes if nothing else)?

Until the most recent post, the OP hadn't actually said anything about the culture surrounding divorce. So I agree we should listen to what the OP says and not make assumptions about it until she does.

If you're not from this small town yourself OP, why would you envisage staying there if you split up?

It doesn't sound like the best culture to raise children in anyway if it is as socially judgemental, fanatically religious and conservative as you describe. That would be a very difficult environment for children who wanted the freedom to think for themselves.

Are you being truly honest with yourself here? Is it all about the children and the social stigma they would suffer? Nothing to do with your own fears about going it alone and being an independent woman?

Your plan might make your husband change, but it seems a hell of a risk to you and your children if it backfires and he doesn't. I fear you'd be left with even more of a domestic and childcare burden than you've got now.

Such a waste too when you could be showing them a different example of society and relationships if you introduced them to a different culture and set yourself free to meet someone more compatible and of this century, if you so wished.

Reading this thread thru, i actually think husband and OP are both v selfish for wrecklessly bringing 5 children into a relationship where they both - quite clearly - have v different priorities.

thanks to everyone for their considered responses, which have forced me to fully think about this course of action and consider all the pros and cons.

If i do what i am proposing, and it becomes intolerable to me for whatever reason, then i am fully prepared to go it alone. If i feel it is beginning to damage me or the children i will not hesitate to split up, and divorce.

As to moving away, despite the religious and social conservatism of this town, it is a lovely place to live. We live by the sea, the kids have the beach, tennis and golf on their doorstep, it is idyllic. They love their schools and have great friends. i too, love it here. All my best friends are here now, and my Mil and PIl are like my own parents to me now. I know that whatever would happen, they would support me, as they have proved this support in the past around 3 years ago when dh was hitting the bottle.

You are all correct. I am taking a risk, but it is a calculated one. And one with a plan B, if the push comes to shove. Dh may well carry on his merry way being a selfish prick, but if i am living my own life to the full, it will bother me less. If that doesnt turn out to be the case, and i become miserable, then we will divorce.

Or maybe he will see the light...i am not holding my breath on that one though.

All the best, love x

And good luck from me too. I so hope your husband wakes up to what he stands to lose here.

God luck, OP. All the very best. And MN is always here, however things go for you. xxx

Separate lives in the same household will give your children a very warped view of relationships, is that how you want them to see the world?

Presumably he didng change after the five children so why keep having them if the relationship is so poor?

Separate lives may well mean separate finances, why would he cover your living costs if you plan to live as a single person?

In what way is it appropriate, supportive or even displaying basic intelligence to question why a woman had her children? Unless you have a time machine, it's a completely redundant point. They're here. She is dealing with the situation as it is in this moment and that kind of question is absolutely nobody here's business.

Tis a harsh but legitimate question in the circumstances perfectstorm.

Sorry, but I think that's bollocks. It's an utterly irrelevant question. What possible point is there in asking it? They're here, and she needs to deal with the situation as it is, now. Most of us would alter things about the past, but we can't - and even if we could, our children are highly unlikely to be amongst them.

As far as I know, none of us are therapists. Asking nastily smug, aggressive questions of someone in a horrible situation does not serve her well, it is not therapeutic, it is not about to help her in any way. It's rude and it's IMO actually rather nasty. Even if the people doing it are firmly telling themselves that they aren't being at all judgemental, oh no, just having the OP's best interests at heart.

I could be totally unfair in that belief, of course. But it's not one I feel very equivocal about, I have to say. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth when someone asks someone in a crisis situation something so deeply cats-bum-mouthed, I'm sorry, but it does.

To all of you who have given me advice, support and also questioned my decisions, as you have helped me think things through, thank you so much.

I will no doubt be back on here to update you and probably seek support at times when it will be challenging, to say the least.

Good luck, OP. Whatever you decide, I hope it works out well for you and yours.

Its fine Perfect water off a ducks back to me. The kind advice and words of wisdom on this thread far outweigh a couple of comments like that.

Many thanks Perfect

Good luck, see you on the trail:)
Your plan- it sounds as if you are doing it already and its a short step to pointing it out to your dh that things could be different.

What about your dc, no idea of their ages, but you could mention they need another male role model like a good football coach to show them how to behave and live , or rugby maybe- actively look for that. Tell dh why. Get it out in the open what kind of men/ women you want your dc to be. What type of man your dd if you have one should want. Does he think he is a good example? Just casually, like " you see yourself as a rogue, don't you" smile- so how can we make sure ddx sees how things could be better.

Often bringing it into the open might make him realise he is being a tool.

Look at all the angles - maybe he could try AA - ask him to read their website for instance, just forward him the link and sit by him whilst he reads it. No pressure, no judging.

Good luck with it all, and post if you need to, I know I will, one day:)

Oh give it a rest perfectstorm. The kids - all 5 of them - are the elephant the room here. In my naive little world, people dont have 5 children unless they have a very settled, stable domestic set-up. Which suggests something has gone profoundly wrong relatively recently. My question, which the OP has ignored, for whatever reason, is what has changed of late?

Thanks Lavender good suggestions and i will be back here for support i am sure, as you should, as and when you need it.

Will also be using you wall calendar suggestion, going to buy one this week along with a big fat highlighter pen!

Think you're option is likely to be difficult snd damaging to you all tbh. Would also not be so sure of your in-laws, blood thicker than water and all that.

Having said that , I think you're maybe loath to leave your financially good position which is understandable but think you'd be better off getting legal advice and getting legal separation. If you're living seperate lives and he meets someone else all bets may be off in terms of his support for you and children.

Good luck

Oh give it a rest perfectstorm. The kids - all 5 of them - are the elephant the room here. In my naive little world, people dont have 5 children unless they have a very settled, stable domestic set-up. Which suggests something has gone profoundly wrong relatively recently. My question, which the OP has ignored, for whatever reason, is what has changed of late?

The trips away have escalated with each child, and when they were younger it wasnt actually as much as a big deal as they didnt miss him, now its different, they are all going here there and everywhere at the weekends with matches, our weekends are busier than our weekdays, so it impacts on us much more now that the kids are older, that is what has changed lately.

Thanks 1131 I am a lawyer by profession (though not practising this last 6 years) so am very aware of my legal position as things stand.

But didnt you discuss all this before having more kids lisavarna? Or has he lead you on a merry dance - ie said he wanted more and more and that he would support you in that process - ie helping with wkends etc - then renaged on that commitment?

I am not sure that he set about it in a calculated way, in the way that you describe aga but yes, things have flared up over the years and he always assured me time and time again that as they got older the partying and weekends would stop. More fool me, i believed him.

OP good luck. I can see why you are picking the option you are, everyone has their own particular priorities and you may be content.

age come on. I'm with perfect on this. What are you angling to achieve? For the op to turn round and say what? That she regrets her children that she loves dearly? Or that she turned a blind eye to little things building up? Do you intend to go "ha you silly woman it's all your fault!"