Dating Thread 63- disappearers, wedding bells and dodgy eye candy, all are welcome

[hostesswithleastest]

Oops that title may have put off newcomers :D

Anyway.... the old thread is dead long live the new!

What people can do - to their heart's content - is dispute, argue, and otherwise attack the content of another poster's post. That's fine

Right but this is the problem. Let's say, for example, someone says "all men on OD are crap, I have been ODing for five years and nothing has come off it, therefore the problem is every man I've encountered in the past five years". Now, lots of us might disagree with that, lots of us may have observed aspects of that poster that point to other reasons why they have been single. Now, how is any comment that challenges their world view and suggests the problem is with them, not going to be seen as a personal attack?

This is the problem of trying to moderate a relationship board. People ask for advice, they ask why something is going wrong, they ask people to look at the profiles and critique their appearance and personality. These are personal things. The content of a post about this is going to be personal, can you not see that sensitive posters will take any criticism of their behaviour as a personal attack? Which is why you are left ignoring, which sometimes, just sometimes, becomes difficult. Any apparently any frustrated aside to this effect is a banning offence.

@KinNora

Yes, but we did report the PMs, which were not just 'thinly veiled attacks' they were downright malicious, shit-stirring, vile attempts to turn people against another poster.

You seem like an intelligent reasonable group, the overwhelming majority are telling you you've made the wrong decision.

Yes, we did get those reports - and we did take action. Suspending someone's ability to post (unless they're an outright pervy troll or other blatant ban-candidate) comes at the end of a long-ish line of actions we take.

Most posters on here don't go 'running to teacher' at every nasty, vindictive, bullying comment made by others, because they are adults who presumably just roll their eyes and then get on with their lives. So frequent posts that are blatant and unpleasant personal attacks just go unnoticed by MNHQ.

'Other posters' complain and report on a regular basis, and so get heard by HQ.

As someone who's followed this thread for a very long time, the injustice here is beyond a joke. I don't actually think that ANYONE has ever posted anything here that warranted a ban. But to ban Bant on the basis of that tepid comment he made the other day, when compared to the abuse received by many posters on many previous occasions is just beyond a joke.

Seriously MNHQ, you have made a huge error here and need to rethink.

Another one who has lurked intermittently on these threads for a long time now and joining in to say you really really have got it wrong this time MNHQ.

Given there is a lot of backstory unpleasantness that has obviously not been drawn to your attention and you really do appear to have been given only one side of things, is it not possible to issue an amnesty just this once? Unless, of course, something really beyond the pale has occurred.

Those posters who received vile PMs perhaps, if you haven't deleted them, could forward to MNHQ as corroboration.

By the way - we do need to be careful, please, to ensure that this thread doesn't itself become an extended personal attack on another poster.

Very specific questions are probably best dealt with off-board - you're welcome to report any post on this thread to ask us about something, or just email us on [email protected]

But we can't let this turn into an extended picking-apart of an identifiable poster.

WTF has happened here?! Why Bant?!

I was going to come back, well if you lot remember me

@ALittleStranger

What people can do - to their heart's content - is dispute, argue, and otherwise attack the content of another poster's post. That's fine

Right but this is the problem. Let's say, for example, someone says "all men on OD are crap, I have been ODing for five years and nothing has come off it, therefore the problem is every man I've encountered in the past five years". Now, lots of us might disagree with that, lots of us may have observed aspects of that poster that point to other reasons why they have been single. Now, how is any comment that challenges their world view and suggests the problem is with them, not going to be seen as a personal attack?

This is the problem of trying to moderate a relationship board. People ask for advice, they ask why something is going wrong, they ask people to look at the profiles and critique their appearance and personality. These are personal things. The content of a post about this is going to be personal, can you not see that sensitive posters will take any criticism of their behaviour as a personal attack? Which is why you are left ignoring, which sometimes, just sometimes, becomes difficult. Any apparently any frustrated aside to this effect is a banning offence.

Yes, we do see what you're saying - but we don't automatically delete posts that are reported for being personal attacks; we do look at them fairly closely. And we won't delete something if we think that the reporter is just being over-sensitive.

@BoreOfWhabylon

Another one who has lurked intermittently on these threads for a long time now and joining in to say you really really have got it wrong this time MNHQ.

Given there is a lot of backstory unpleasantness that has obviously not been drawn to your attention and you really do appear to have been given only one side of things, is it not possible to issue an amnesty just this once? Unless, of course, something really beyond the pale has occurred.

Those posters who received vile PMs perhaps, if you haven't deleted them, could forward to MNHQ as corroboration.

We would absolutely love and generally appreciate it if you could all fill us in on anything you think we've missed - particularly 'vile PMs' that we didn't know about (or indeed vile anything else).

If we think we've made a mistake, we will hold our hands up to it.

Someone PM me FB details so I can keep in touch with you when I'm banned for saying what I think! Holding my tongue until then...

ALittleStranger has hit the nail on the head, I think. Posts on the Relationships board are, by their very nature, personal. They are not the same as the ones debating the existence of God, or breast vs bottle where you can legitimately attack an idea without attacking the person (even if not everyone manages it!).

But you can't really comment on a post on here without it being personal because the whole thrust of the discussion is personal. If I joined and asked the posters here, "Where do you think I'm going wrong" I'd be quite specifically ASKING for a personal response - otherwise the question is meaningless. If I also happened to be an over-sensitive, paranoid drama queen (hypothetically, I am referencing NO ONE specific) I might decide I didn't like the answer and tap furiously at the report button.

So, a one size fits all policy across the entire talk board doesn't really work, in my humble opinion. History and context have to be taken into account in order to be fair.

Thank you rowan. I know this is unpleasant and doesn't show MN in a particularly splendid light. I think we appreciate that the support we have all received on this thread is generally amazing and welcome when we've been low or felt like it's all a bit like repeatedly hitting your head against a dating table.

For a fuller picture, and obviously recognising that you may well have much better things to do, start at thread 36.

Does MNHQ have access to PMs? I know I've reported some in the past and not quite sure what the outcome was.

(Can you tell I'm a negotiator?)

Sorry - Xposted. Your response to Stranger addresses my points too.

bill PM'd you. :-)

Well I've had years of rotten luck with men and continue to have a shite time dating? Does that mean I'm not welcome on here too? Because as far as I can tell this is a dating support thread and if we were all successes with men then there wouldn't need to be one.

Some of us (including me) have experienced extreme domestic violence in the past and this has damaged our ability to form healthy relationships but it shouldn't exclude us from dating or making mistakes which can be deeply entrenched patterns formed in childhood.

It really is a jungle out there what with all the time wasters and players and this needs to feel like a safe thread to moan...and rejoice. It is fantastic to hear inspirational love stories on here such as 49......but we also need to support with those in need.

MNHQ, Bant is unable to access his account and PMs to bring to your notice the personally insulting messages he was sent and wishes to bring to your notice.

Rowan, I understand Bant has some interesting PMs you could take a look at. Unfortunately he's finding it a little hard to access them at the moment .

I LOVE people standing up and being counted. Well done. I am Bantacus!

I am Bantacus!

Superstar no one is saying that and I'm sorry if you have taken that from my posts. This thread would not have got to 63 incarnations if we restricted it to success stories only.

Another lurker delurking to say they are confused about this decision (i've been a reader for sometime).

"By the way - we do need to be careful, please, to ensure that this thread doesn't itself become an extended personal attack on another poster."
Oh the irony.
Every time they posted, accused , baited and trolled on the Dating thread they were blanked .
If MNHQ spent 30 mins going back over the Dating thread history this would become apparent.

MNHQ just got trolled.

superstar absolutely NOT. The best bit of this thread, when we're on-form, is that it welcomes all comers. A lot of us have gone through very difficult personal experiences and a fair amount of OD bullshit. :) it is kind of brave to post here when you're starting out on OD. some people have waded through the effluence of OD and reached a relatively happy coupled up status. With others, it just takes time.

We are intelligent, sorted, occasionally full of despair, but generally OK with each other. Please post. You can either gain hope, experience, support or just a shoulder to groan upon. :)

We'll be OK. Individually and as a thread. We just need to work through some stuff.

Damn, if I'd just been personal and used Watch's name none of this would be misconstrued now. Oh the irony.

Superstar - Sorry if mine was one of the posts that distressed you, perhaps I worded it badly. I didn't mean that people posting on Relationships should put-up-and-shut-up with any responses they get because it's all personal by default. I was just responding to MNHQ saying that debate is fine, but don't make it personal - which is kind of tricky because lots of posts are personal in a way that they aren't necessarily in other parts of the board.

I've been keeping up with the threads for ages, and can truthfully say that the support you all offer each other is truly wonderful. And only one person, as far as I can tell, has ever had a problem.

I will launch myself into the OD world soon (I also have a shite history with men!), and I'm not sure I would be quite so willing to if I didn't know this thread was here to come and get first class advice & support from.