Fiance cheated at the start of relationship - now what?

[blindsidedme]

Long time lurker, first time poster here - Please give me some advice, I literally have no idea what to do next.

Background: DP and I got together three years ago. Only the month before that he'd come out of a tempestuous 4 year relationship with a woman who cheated on him and he was feeling a little burned, so perhaps understandably, he was a little cautious at first, but the relationship went from strength to strength. (I'm certain this is what really happened, not just his version of events - we work in the same field and she's well known to be a nightmare!)

Fast forward three years, and DP proposes - I'm overjoyed, it feels right, and I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. Last night, we threw an engagement party for family and friends. At the end of the night, I'm in the toilet cubicle, when my fiance's brother's wife walks in with her best friend - they're drunk and talking about me, obviously thinking I've already gone home, and the conversation goes along the lines of: "Do you think we should tell her?"/ "I'd want to know if it was me" / "I don't know, I don't think we should get involved,", etc.

I come out of the toilet, asking what the hell's going on - they're mortified - anyway, I eventually get it out of them that DP cheated on me 4 months into the relationship while on a lad's holiday in Barcelona. DP's brother's wife has known about this all along and was disgusted by it, but had not met me at the time it happened, our friendship has grown since.

I confront DP about this and eventually he admitted it (like he had a choice!), insisting it was just a one night stand, he was drunk, etc. He's begging me to forgive him, saying he'd never do that now, that this was at the start of our relationship, when he still had his guard up - he daren't believe that what we had would last and he feared I'd break his trust just like his ex did, that he's an idiot, etc.

I want to believe him, but this wasn't just a few weeks into our relationship - it was 4 months - we'd had the conversation about being exclusive, we'd recently said the big "L" word, he was talking about introducing me to his family, which he did a couple of months after his holiday.

I've told him I need space to think - he's gone to stay with a friend. Our relationships been wonderful, no other red flags whatsoever - at the back of my mind I've often thought "this is too good to be true"! - well yeah, it was! Now I feel like the last three years have been a lie.

I still love him, and part of me wishes I'd never found out. Another part of me thinks: he's kept this from my fir 2 1/2 years - how can I ever trust him again? I feel foolish, livid and completely dumbfounded.

Has anyone out there been in this situation before? How did you cope? Did you end it or try and make it work?

Thank you x

I expect they do think about it but you do seem to be carrying the burden of it. What a horrible situation for you to be in. I expect it will come out one day - these things have a tendency to. And with three of you holding the secret, the likelihood is increased.

Writerwababe. I think you did the right thing.

I am perhaps too old but I think what you did was very generous (yeah, go on, flame me too). He asked you to give him a chance and he made the best use of it. And with that everyone and everything was saved.

If you had told his fiance you would have destroyed her as she wouldn't be able to trust him or any other man pr woman again. It would have destroyed your friendship, it would have destroyed your relationship with your sister, and oh well everything would have gone down the drains just for the sake of maintaining the virtue of "truth"

I remember a phrase by Iris Murdoch that said something like "truth will make us free, but it won't necessarily make us happy" you choose hapiness at the cost of carryng that lie on your shoulders.

OP, I have never found it difficult to get dates, and every single relationship I have had has been serious and committed. I think of all thise man as wonderful lovely lovely induviduals. The seven of them proposed yes, I am that old), I only said "yes" once. Which IMO proves that you can always find another man but you may not necessarily love him more than you loved the previous one, even when you no longer have feelings for the previous one.

Admittedly, I am now divorced (at my request) but I have no regrets either about marrying him or divorcing him, I got many happy years and a son I adore out of that relationship.

So, what I am trying to say is that if you love this man you owe it to yourself to examine the situation and trying to find what really happened and why, and armed with those answers then decide whether you can live with that of not. you can try Relate, you can allow him to explain himself once you feel you could cope with it. But do NOT walk away with out talking to him as I can assure you that if you writeoff the relationship wighout giving him a chance to talk, you will be plagued with "what ifs?" For many years to come. And believe me, that is far more painful than giving him a chance even if that chance is only used for you to ppen your eyes and convince yourself you don't want him to your side.

Don't make any rash decisions. He cheated on you which is awful and you found out in an awful way. BUT you have been together 3 years and so far been very happy.

If you'd found out back then you'd have been gutted but your feelings after finding out now are as if he'd cheated on you now which are infinitely stronger.

I'm guessing in the cold light of day, cheating on you and realising he'd been just as bad as his ex was sickening for him and made him realise he really loved you and never wanted you to find out.

It's not exactly fairy tale but they're made up stories not real life and sometimes people do stupid things. But it doesn't make them bad people or always "a cheater"

This morning OP you said you're so broody it's ridiculous.

I know age is an important consideration but if this is the chief reason for staying with your fiance please don't let time clocked up with him somehow outweigh any warning bell ringing in your head.

Whch reminds me do get yourself checked for STI (and he should too).

Oh I agree with that, do not have children until you are 300% certain you want this or any other man in your life forever. Even if you are married to him.

That reads in my Threads I'm On as

"do not have children until you are 300"

I think the advice not to worry too much about the "biological clock" is good, but that might be pushing it a bit :o

Hope you are OK blindsided and that you save some friends with you that are uninvolved with this and can pour you a drink and keep you company.

Writerwannabe - I think it takes a special sort of arsehole to shag his fiance's best friend. What you all did - basically decide which way her life would go, was completely morally wrong and self serving as to not cause trouble to all of you, I find it sickening. I have a twin who I'm very close to, but I can't imagine under any circumstances I would stand by and watch a loved friend hitch her wagon to this sort of man. I can imagine in the shock of the circumstances you would be persuaded to stay quiet, but it must be very awkward when all together.
Hope you are with friends OP.

Surprisingly it isn't that awkward anymore. It was over 6 years ago, we have all grown up now, our lives have all moved forward with marriages and children etc. it really does feel like water under the bridge. I used to really, really hate being around him, but that has passed. What he did was a really shitty thing, my sister too, and I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He never asked me to keep it quiet, like I said, I didn't confront him about it for 3 months, he didn't even know that I knew. We talked about it a lot and I made the decision I did. I can't change it now, there's no point beating myself up about it, the whole thing was just awful.

Urgh, I'm gutted for you, I really am. It's a horrible situation. If it were me, I'd be walking. Don't think I'd be able to cope with the story of how we got together being in tatters. Good luck

I think this sort of last hurrah at the start of a big new relationship is more common than you'd think, but most people keep schtum and don't brag about tapping off. That to me makes the difference here.

Also those pious types crapping on wannabe, I wonder what they would actually do in her situation.

To op, I have already given an opinion up thread and I hope you are ok.

Writerwannabe83 what an awful position you were in. I can quite honestly say that I have no idea what I would have done in your situation.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. take your time and don't rush into any decisions.

writer how do you know he or your sister have always been faithful? You only found out because you caught them. They would not have told you otherwise. My grandma always said that real love was being able to tell someone the worst of you and they loved you anyway, you've all stolen the chance of your friend finding real love and I hope that she never finds out that her marriage is a total sham.

What an awful situation it would be a deal breaker for me, even though it would break my heart. You both need to get yourself checked out health-wise at the very least. I don't think I could get past it.

Be kind to yourself. Stop worrying what other people will think. It's him that's the fool, not you

Thanks Cloud and lazyjaney for your support.

Holly - I don't know they have always been faithful, all I can do is hope. Like I said, if it had been some random girl he had slept with I would have told my friend straight away, but it just wasn't that simple. If my sister hadn't have been in a relationship and had a child, then who knows, maybe I would have said something. I guess I just didn't want to break up my sister's family on what I only hope was a one-off drunken mistake. They both did a really shitty thing but at the time I felt like I had no choice but to keep quiet and I also hope she never finds out what they did. I'm sure she won't, I doubt they have any intention of telling her.

I appreciate that some people may not have agreed with decision I made, but until it actually happens to you and you know such an awful secret which means your loyalties are split between two people who mean everything to you, it can be very easy to judge from the sidelines.

Wannabe I don't think you were in a position to win, whatever you did. Horrible situation and not one of your making. Life is not as easy as it looks when living it, and I don't think the judgement of you is fair, either. You didn't do anything wrong and the sinning party was your own sister.

I'm sorry if you feel that you're being got at writer, you have been put in an awful situation by the pair of them and you've certainly given your loyalty to the wrong people. That you could be a bridesmaid at such a sham of a marriage just beggars belief. I think what has got mine and others backs upside the way your original post glossed over the hideous betrayal and presented it as being all wonderful now and no harm done. What would you do if your friend told you she had doubts about his fidelity? I highly doubt you'd tell her the truth about him so in reality the poor girl has no one she can trust.

Like I said, it wasn't easy being bridesmaid but what option did I have? Just tell her I didn't want to do it and not give a reason why? They got married 2 years after the betrayal had occurred, it would have seemed a bit illogical that I'd suddenly tell her then when I'd already decided to keep quiet and had done for that period of time?

Same thing happened to me OP - years on I still think about it and it still cuts me up.

If I'd known how much it would effect me and for how long, I'd have ended it when I found out. So sorry x

That sounds awful Narcy - does your DH/DP know how much it still hurts you or do you not really talk about it? x

Try and make it work if you love each other, if that is the thing that makes you stronger and the worst that you go through you will have a great future. Marriage is hard, relationships are hard, but if the foundation is there get through it !

Marriage is not hard.

Good relationships are easy.

Don't be convinced to live a pointlessly difficult life keeping a relationship going because you think they are suppose to be "hard work".

How are you OP?

An update: I ended the relationship. I wasn't sure what I was going to do until he came round to pick up some of his stuff at the weekend, but seeing him clarified things - he felt like a stranger to me and there's no going back.

My wonderful friends and family have made me realise it's not too late to start again and I deserve better than his deceit, however much he regrets it. Better to walk away now than when I'm tied to him through marriage, kids and a mortgage - we're only renting at the moment and I have a career a love which gives me financial independence.

God, I can't believe how pragmatic I'm being about this. The realisation I've come to is if I stay with him I'll always be second guessing his every move and I just can't live like that - as much as it hurts to leave him, I just know it will hurt for even longer if I go on knowing what he's done.

I'm coming down with a really bad cold now and physically feel horrendous, but I know I'll get through this.

You are very strong. Well done. That can't have been easy x

Wow, well done for being so clear in your own mind what you want.

I think I would still be hoping there was a wand somebody could wave that could make it never have happened.

MN Relationships board does a good line in supporting people through breakups, so keep posting if you want to :)