Fiance cheated at the start of relationship - now what?

[blindsidedme]

Long time lurker, first time poster here - Please give me some advice, I literally have no idea what to do next.

Background: DP and I got together three years ago. Only the month before that he'd come out of a tempestuous 4 year relationship with a woman who cheated on him and he was feeling a little burned, so perhaps understandably, he was a little cautious at first, but the relationship went from strength to strength. (I'm certain this is what really happened, not just his version of events - we work in the same field and she's well known to be a nightmare!)

Fast forward three years, and DP proposes - I'm overjoyed, it feels right, and I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. Last night, we threw an engagement party for family and friends. At the end of the night, I'm in the toilet cubicle, when my fiance's brother's wife walks in with her best friend - they're drunk and talking about me, obviously thinking I've already gone home, and the conversation goes along the lines of: "Do you think we should tell her?"/ "I'd want to know if it was me" / "I don't know, I don't think we should get involved,", etc.

I come out of the toilet, asking what the hell's going on - they're mortified - anyway, I eventually get it out of them that DP cheated on me 4 months into the relationship while on a lad's holiday in Barcelona. DP's brother's wife has known about this all along and was disgusted by it, but had not met me at the time it happened, our friendship has grown since.

I confront DP about this and eventually he admitted it (like he had a choice!), insisting it was just a one night stand, he was drunk, etc. He's begging me to forgive him, saying he'd never do that now, that this was at the start of our relationship, when he still had his guard up - he daren't believe that what we had would last and he feared I'd break his trust just like his ex did, that he's an idiot, etc.

I want to believe him, but this wasn't just a few weeks into our relationship - it was 4 months - we'd had the conversation about being exclusive, we'd recently said the big "L" word, he was talking about introducing me to his family, which he did a couple of months after his holiday.

I've told him I need space to think - he's gone to stay with a friend. Our relationships been wonderful, no other red flags whatsoever - at the back of my mind I've often thought "this is too good to be true"! - well yeah, it was! Now I feel like the last three years have been a lie.

I still love him, and part of me wishes I'd never found out. Another part of me thinks: he's kept this from my fir 2 1/2 years - how can I ever trust him again? I feel foolish, livid and completely dumbfounded.

Has anyone out there been in this situation before? How did you cope? Did you end it or try and make it work?

Thank you x

"I would allow him this one mistake, while making it perfectly clear if it were to happen again, it's over."

If it were to happen again she might be pregnant or have small children or have given up her financial independence to be a SAHM.

If there's a next time, she won't be able to leave anywhere near as easily as she can now.

That's worth bearing in mind in the decision-making process.

Sure.

But then you're assuming it's going to happen again. To me, from what OP has said, that sounds very very unlikely.

I do agree by the way that you were MEANT to hear that conversation.

What is clear is that your fiancé is very good at telling lies and hiding terrible truths. If he did it again... how do you know he would tell you? Answer: he most probably wouldn't.

Sorry, I couldn't get over this. not as much the cheating... but all the time keeping it a secret.

Don't marry this man.

Unless you want a cheating husband....

Speaking from experience, leave. Don't stay with him. He betrayed you. Even if you think you might be able to get past this now, somewhere down the line things will unravel. Cut your losses before you end up married to the guy and with his children. That's what happened to me. Don't get me wrong, I love my babies to bits and wouldn't trade them for the world but I look back and think how foolish I was to carry on with the wedding when I knew it wasn't right. Now sadly my children are suffering the fallout of our marriage breakdown. Good luck and be strong. You deserve better.

You don't have to make any kind of decision yet.

The only thing perhaps you ought to ascertain is IF, this early, would your deposit be returned?

If yes, get it back now. Just in case. If it's lost anyway, then no need to do anything.

Talk to your parents when and if you feel you need to.

The main thing is that you need to take time and space to be able to listen to what your gut instincts are telling you.

You don't need to do anything right now, just take some time for you.

Your OH needs to give you that space.

It's good you know now, so you can make an educated decision, it'd be a whole lot worse if you found out after marrying him. This woman has done you a huge favour. Your decision will be based on truth.

The killer for me OP is he did this in the early days of the relationship when most couples are proper loved up and the relationship is very intense. That would worry me. It wasnt like he could use the usual excuse of a relationship having gone stale/kids making things difficult etc. as a bare minimum i'd postpone wedding.

How are you this morning op?

Morning all, thank you for all your responses - such a variety of advice and opinions, so much to think about.

I barely slept last night - one thing I can't get out of my head is that when DP's ex was unfaithful to him, it was a fling while she was on a girl's holiday in Ibiza. Despite their 4 year relationship and her begging for forgiveness, he ended the relationship immediately. If infidelity was such a dealbreaker to him, why did he do it himself? It's almost like he was punishing ME for what she did to him.

Friends have always said I'm so lucky to have such an emotionally intelligent man as DP - a good listener, caring, etc (not to mention handsome, successful, educated, witty, blah blah). I can just picture the look on their faces when I tell them this.

I will make inquiries today re. getting the wedding venue deposit back. In the culture I'm from weddings are such a big deal - as an only daughter, my parents have literally been putting money aside for this wedding since I was born! If I tell them what he's done, the only thing they'll be paying for is a one way ticket for him to Mars.

I'm 31 and so broody it's ridiculous. The thought of starting again and not having kids for years breaks my heart. Then again, the thought of bringing kids into a situation with someone who can pull the rug out from under me like this terrifies me. I really did think he'd make a brilliant father too.

Sorry if this sounds jumbled, I'm finding it really hard to think straight this morning.

How awful for you. Only you can decide what to do but for me I would find it hard to trust them again.

And I was going to say like you mentioned, if he was so upset that his partner cheated on him, why on earth did he then go and do the same? Are you sure it was her that cheated and not him?

Take your time and do what is right for you.

Suggested plan of action for today:

1 see about the deposit

2 arrange to have some time with some good friends

You don't need to tell your parents, but some real life support from people who love you and know you well would really help.

There is no pressure on you right now, despite how it must feel.

You have had a really devastating shock.

Give yourself the space and time to come to terms with what has happened and don't worry yourself about what happens next at the moment. It's too soon.

You can be in crisis mode - do what it takes to get you through the day, do nice things for yourself. And watch crap TV/read a trashy novel/ whatever your "switch off my brain" poison of choice is when thinking about it gets too much.

Try not to look for comfort where you would recently have sought it. The man who has hurt you can't provide the comfort you need right now. It will be confusing and upsetting if you turn to him.

Clarity will come in time. Don't let anybody rush you.

At some point in the future you will look back on this and it will just have been a blip of pain in an otherwise happy story, whether you marry this guy or someone else.

I'm going to stick my neck out too and say this is workable.
Well it may not be for you - but for me it would be.
It was only 4 months in.
You were only 'talking' about being exclusive.
And I'm sure he was still reeling from the hurt his ex caused him.
I think you need some space to think about things.
Then you need to have a long talk with him on neutral ground and really thrash this out.
If you can't forgive then you know it's over.
But I don't think you should be making any big decisions right now.
It's still very raw for you.

I'm definitely sure it was the ex who cheated not him - we work in the same field and people who know both of us can back the story up. She has an incredibly high opinion of herself and thought he was so besotted by her, he would forgive her.

FWIW, the ex was horrendous towards me when we first got together - in fact, the week DP was in Barcelona getting his end away, I had no choice but to go away on a conference with this woman - at one point she cornered me and hissed: "when he fucks you, he thinks of me!"

To those of you who said you reckon SIL knew I was in the toilet when she made those comments about DPs cheating, this didn't even cross my mind, but I shall definitely be having another talk to her today in case there's anything else I need to know.

What a mess...

I'm not going to make any rash decisions. I've told DP I need space and he has respected that - I will contact him when I am ready - it's so hard though because he's the first person I would have usually gone to for comfort - I definitely need to keep myself busy.

What would concern me is this line from your OP:

"I confront DP about this and eventually he admitted it"

He continued to lie about it even when you directly asked him what had happened. If you decide to stay together, he needs to understand that he will have to work extremely hard to earn your trust back and will have to continue to do so throughout the relationship. There is no going back to the times when you had no reason to doubt him.

I don't dismiss the possibility

I've never done it on a dancefloor, but I've had sex when drunk, as have a lot of people. I've had sex that would, in sobriety, seem extremely ill-advised. But at no point did anyone just fall into me as if on a banana skin. There was intent - be it very ill-judged in a lot of cases. To say it was accidental or a genuine mistake really minimises it and makes it seem like it was simply a lack of control of bodily function. At the time it always seemed perfectly sensible. You make a decision to put yourself into someone's body, or to allow someone into your body.

If I had been with someone four months and thought we were exclusive and we'd said we loved each other, and then I found out he knobbed someone on holiday, I would end it. Finding out some years later, I suspect I still would.

I too would leave him, absolutely.

What you now know is that this is a man who, when everything is at its best - first flush of love, totally loved-up and at the point at which he should have been going to bed dreaming of you and crossing off the days before he can see you again - he cheats.

You'd want that person to be the one you need to rely on to be faithful through all the tough times? I wouldn't. You won't trust him, there's absolutely no reason why you would, you'd be a fool to trust him because your sensible head will always, always tell you that this WASN'T a 'mistake', there's no possible 'mitigating circumstances' ('It's been so dificult since the baby, we haven't had sex for eight months blah blah') - no, he cheated straightaway, without a thought, because he could. That's the measure of him. Low quality lad-brain type of man who falls at the first 'hurdle'.

I would NOT want that man beside me as my life partner.

I would NOT want to wait until I was tied to him financially and with a family to find out that - surprise surprise!! - yes he would cheat again, and does, and has, and that all the tears were a pile of crap.

I would absolutely move on now. Just like he did!

when everything is at its best...he cheats

Yes, that's the crux of it. When you are first seeing someone and it's getting serious, that is the time when you love everything about them and can't wait to see them. If at that point, when everything about your story was still new and golden, he could shag someone else, it doesn't bode well.

It's not just the cheating

He lied to you and so did everyone else, on his call. He has humiliated you & lied this whole time. A mistake or not, that's what he's capable of & its down to you to figure out if you can trust him or forgive him.

He can't downplay it either. You'd gone exclusive and said you loved each other. If he felt so unsure of the relationship then why say he loved you? And why go exclusive? He cheated because he wanted to at the time. He can't sugarcoat that.

Op, sorry.

You know two things about your dps character now:

1. He will happily take the opportunity to have a shag if he fancies one whether you are there or not. You know his morals now.
2. He is quite capable of deceit. He has known this for years, and has had no problem coming home to you to resume life as if nothing has happened, and continue progressing your relationship.

This knowledge would be enough for me to cancel any wedding and ask the man to jog on. But thats me. You may not want to be that knee jerk. Just accept that you dont know him as well as you thought you did, at least.

I don't know what I'd do.

I often see on here that the start of a relationship is when you're all loved up, passionate and intense- and so to be unfaithful then is particularly bad.

I don't think so- the first few months can be exciting but confusing too - there can be mixed feeling like 'this is it!' Or 'so I am attractive after all' - or 'this relationship mightnt work out anyway' - all different feelings which might make some people more vulnerable to cheating at this new stage rather than when they are more comfortable as a couple.

Name changed for this.

I cheated at the start of my relationship with my partner. I visited a friend from uni and on a night out he pulled a woman who was out with one of her mates. Ended up back at the house and I was basically left alone with the friend and we ended up snogging.

I could make excuses for this (I was drunk, it was just the start of a relationship, it was 'only' a snog etc) but I know it was wrong. I'm pretty sure that if I had told my partner that would be it so I didn't do so.

This was over 6 years ago. I was mortified about what I'd done and have made damn sure that I wouldn't do so again. I've made sure I'm not even in a position where I'd be tempted. I'm sure people will say I should have been honest, and they're probably right.

I know there are differences in the situation, but I wanted to show that the adage about 'once a cheat, always a cheat' isn't always true. It's obviously down to you whether you think you can forgive the deception and cheating, and I'm not trying to downplay that.

6 years is not a long time. Just because you have not snogged/shagged someobdy so far, does not mean you never will. I am sorry, but I still believe that old adage.

You have built your relationship on rocky foundations, op!

On onlytheonce's point, I think it's less about the cheating in a way and more about how much/long he covered it up. It's a bigger betrayal than a snog & something I think you should tell your partner if you want the relationship to continue.