Fiance cheated at the start of relationship - now what?

[blindsidedme]

Long time lurker, first time poster here - Please give me some advice, I literally have no idea what to do next.

Background: DP and I got together three years ago. Only the month before that he'd come out of a tempestuous 4 year relationship with a woman who cheated on him and he was feeling a little burned, so perhaps understandably, he was a little cautious at first, but the relationship went from strength to strength. (I'm certain this is what really happened, not just his version of events - we work in the same field and she's well known to be a nightmare!)

Fast forward three years, and DP proposes - I'm overjoyed, it feels right, and I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. Last night, we threw an engagement party for family and friends. At the end of the night, I'm in the toilet cubicle, when my fiance's brother's wife walks in with her best friend - they're drunk and talking about me, obviously thinking I've already gone home, and the conversation goes along the lines of: "Do you think we should tell her?"/ "I'd want to know if it was me" / "I don't know, I don't think we should get involved,", etc.

I come out of the toilet, asking what the hell's going on - they're mortified - anyway, I eventually get it out of them that DP cheated on me 4 months into the relationship while on a lad's holiday in Barcelona. DP's brother's wife has known about this all along and was disgusted by it, but had not met me at the time it happened, our friendship has grown since.

I confront DP about this and eventually he admitted it (like he had a choice!), insisting it was just a one night stand, he was drunk, etc. He's begging me to forgive him, saying he'd never do that now, that this was at the start of our relationship, when he still had his guard up - he daren't believe that what we had would last and he feared I'd break his trust just like his ex did, that he's an idiot, etc.

I want to believe him, but this wasn't just a few weeks into our relationship - it was 4 months - we'd had the conversation about being exclusive, we'd recently said the big "L" word, he was talking about introducing me to his family, which he did a couple of months after his holiday.

I've told him I need space to think - he's gone to stay with a friend. Our relationships been wonderful, no other red flags whatsoever - at the back of my mind I've often thought "this is too good to be true"! - well yeah, it was! Now I feel like the last three years have been a lie.

I still love him, and part of me wishes I'd never found out. Another part of me thinks: he's kept this from my fir 2 1/2 years - how can I ever trust him again? I feel foolish, livid and completely dumbfounded.

Has anyone out there been in this situation before? How did you cope? Did you end it or try and make it work?

Thank you x

also - he's cheated and lied. if he'd cheated but THEN admitted it, I'd be tempted to give him another chance, IF all were well.

Just read about him ditching his girlfriend when she'd cheated. This guy's a hypocrite too then.

UGH. poor you.

When someone tells you who they are, listen.

Yes, it's the "tapped off with some bird" comment that's really haunting me.

I'm not surprised.

I tapped off with some bird in Barcelona

pretty much says it all.

Was he tapping you at the same time? or was it 'different'.

blindsided he cheated simple and straight. No need to pick the odd excuse in all the responses to justify his actions. Don't believe what you want to believe basically.

Now it's all about whether you can move on with him or not.

Other than the pre-paid deposit and the fear people will talk, what other reason would you not temporarily call off the wedding?
What message are you giving him? oh that's fine you were tapping me then too, I'm ok with that. 2 Years good behaviour and I will forgive. precedent set!

You work with the facts at hand. when you said yes you did not have this information- Now that you know surely you need time to take this into account.

No one can answer the yes or no question, but be kind to yourself, remove all the pressures surrounding it and take your time to heal and come to a decision in your own time.

tapped off some bird.......

Not the most remorseful expression is it?

basically your relationship started the day you found out. everything else means nothing.

He wasn't a descent, good guy until he had to admitted it. Because yes, everything in your relationship up to that point was a lie or existed because of a lie.

That was day 1. start the relationship again if you are going to give him a chance.

I've pretty much had a similar experience , with pretty much the same reasons, thankfully I am only 7 months in and so for me the restart button does not have the same consequences.

But I'll be honest it hurts like shit! . can't fathom what you are gong through.

For now - give them a standing ovation, they put on quite a show- must have been very entertaining. (37 years old and quoting Rihanna - that's how bad it got- haha)

I'm giving my P a chance, but we are starting again. Why? - because I believe in second chances as no one is perfect. I have to learn to trust again and that means starting over.

What a horrible dilemma, although 4 months is the honeymoon period it isn't the deep respectful time that comes after years of a relationship that the OP feels they had reached. A reactive decision is not helpful in this situation and a bit of time and perspective can only help.

Until I read 'tapped off with some bird' I thought that you had a chance OP (and you might still have a chance because you are not me) but when I read that comment I thought, Ugh! What a delightful chap.

Tapping off? - I'd be telling him to tap off permanently. To me he doesn't sound worth marrying.

So he was telling you it was exclusive and loved you at the time, but then telling other people that its early days and I'm still recovering from xp.
I would be more concerned at this, the blatant lying to you about the status of your relationship.

I'd also be concerned about his rationalisation of the cheating. Well I cheated cos I'm still so hurt etc etc. Is he likely to use other excuses in the future. Only you know him and the relationship well, and if he is willing to work back your trust, I would put the wedding on the back burner until your sure. I would also tell your parents, you need some care and support at the minute by people who unconditionally love you.

Still don't do anything rash.
I know from my bitter experience how a terrible break-up can really affect you. Believe me it really can involve people doing things way way out of their true character for a long time afterwards.

He was bragging to his brother?
Ditch the immature shagger.

What a horrible way to talk about it!

Not great that even though he thought you were "great" and had told you he loved you, he felt entitled to have sex with "some bird" (nice sexist language) because he was still upset from his break up.

Would your relationship have developed at all 2 -21/2 years ago at all, had he let you know that you were great (as opposed to loving you) and that you were not exclusive (as opposed to being exclusive) as he still kept his options open 4 months in? What time did HE decide he loved you and want to be "exclusive"? When he proposed?

Writerwannabe83 see now, you story sits really badly with me. I feel so terribly sorry for the poor woman that you and your sister call your "best friend". Basically, all the closest people in her life (her fiancé and best mates), have basically chosen the path her life should take for her, without giving her all the valid information available so she can make her own decisions. That's the least she deserves after being betrayed by her nearest and dearest. You can try and convince yourself that it's all worked out for the best, but truthfully, you have no idea what could (or perhaps should) have happened if she had been given the truth. I do feel for you - you clearly had split loyalties and your sister put you in a shitty position by telling you - she should have sat on her sordid little secret or confessed to you mutual friend herself, instead of dragging you into it. And I would have told your friend's fiancé to 'fess up or you would. That poor, poor woman.

OP - I think, based on what I've written above, you should LTB. They all knew and didn't tell you. You then went on to make life-changing decisions with your life based on a lie, which are going to be pretty humiliating to have to backtrack on. Not fair. In fact, pretty unforgivable in my opinion.

Good luck OP. xxx

I was leaning towards "give him hell, but he may just have got blind drunk and done something incredibly stupid early on and felt appalling ever since, and the longer he didn't tell you the less possible it got..." which IMO would be forgivable, potentially. Especially as none of these people knew you at the time.

But when you said he wasn't telling his friends/family from deep guilt and remorse when wondering what to do, but showing off about deliberately pulling someone else in the most bragging way imaginable... sorry, but this man does not sound husband material.

Right now, he'd never dream of cheating because he's madly in love with you. But marriage is long and life can be stressful. DH and I have fallen in and out of love with one another at least twice. In between, we've at times felt quite resentful and detached from one another. But the basic commitment and friendship and self-respect has always carried us, and the fidelity, through. How on earth can you be sure that this man will do the same, when his fidelity is dependent not on his conscience but on his own emotional needs at the time?

Nora Ephron once said you should never marry a man you wouldn't like to be divorced from, and she was spot on. It isn't about how well he treats a woman he is madly in love with. It's about how he treats someone when things aren't completely plain sailing and joyful, and whether his core identity is kind and respectful and honest.

That's all I can say. Other than I am so, so desperately sorry that this is not the man you thought him.

I would be interested to see what actions the df takes now. If he can work on this - as a weakness in him- not use excuses- then I would listen.

madmayday - my sister didn't tell me what had happened, the only reason I know it happened was because I walked in on them mid-act. It was a very shitty position I was in but I had to weigh up which was worse, keeping quiet and hoping he would never cheat again, or tell my friend.

If I had told my friend it would have ruined her relationship with him, ruined her relationship with my sister and it would also have ruined my relationship with my sister, who I'm very close to and love very much. I doubt whether any of us would have recovered from the news. It would also then have the repercussions of my sister's partner finding out, her relationship breaking up and the effect that would have on their son. That is a whole lot of lives that could be ruined. I had to weigh up whether their drunken mistake was worth causing all that damage and I came to the conclusion that it wasn't. My decision may have been the wrong one but I will just have to live with that now x x

"I doubt whether any of us would have recovered from the news."

So you basically threw your "best friend" under a bus because of how the news of the shitty way her partner and supposed friend treated her would affect other people.

Poor her :(

Everyone in her life who she thinks loves her is ganged up against her.

I didn't throw her life under a bus. She is married to a very hard working man, who I completely trust is faithful, and they have 2 beautiful children. But thanks for your supportive comments about what was a very difficult time for me. Thank you for making me the "Baddie" in the whole thing, your understanding is much appreciated.

You are perhaps not the baddie alone writerwannabee, but you and your sister and your "friends" husband are baddies together in that sorry saga.

And you are not a friend to that poor woman.

I think that's massively unfair to writer wannabe

And it shows how you can't win in this situation. It's shit to be in the know. I don't doubt the ops sil is getting hell too.

drunken mistake

There's that word again. A mistake, as most people would interpret it, is when you are doing something with the best of intentions but for some reason you get it wrong. Screwing your best friend's fiancé shows no good intent at all. That was not a mistake, but a deliberate act of sabotage, and really quite nasty.

You're right Lois - I have absolutely no idea what was going through my sister's mind. Nothing will ever excuse what they did. At the end of the day I had to choose between my friend and my sister and it wasn't an easy choice. If it had been any other girl he'd slept with I would have told my friend immediately, but because it was my sister, it just wasn't that straight forward. I hate them both for putting me in this situation. I bet they don't even think about it anymore and I'm the one who has the burden of it