Fiance cheated at the start of relationship - now what?

[blindsidedme]

Long time lurker, first time poster here - Please give me some advice, I literally have no idea what to do next.

Background: DP and I got together three years ago. Only the month before that he'd come out of a tempestuous 4 year relationship with a woman who cheated on him and he was feeling a little burned, so perhaps understandably, he was a little cautious at first, but the relationship went from strength to strength. (I'm certain this is what really happened, not just his version of events - we work in the same field and she's well known to be a nightmare!)

Fast forward three years, and DP proposes - I'm overjoyed, it feels right, and I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. Last night, we threw an engagement party for family and friends. At the end of the night, I'm in the toilet cubicle, when my fiance's brother's wife walks in with her best friend - they're drunk and talking about me, obviously thinking I've already gone home, and the conversation goes along the lines of: "Do you think we should tell her?"/ "I'd want to know if it was me" / "I don't know, I don't think we should get involved,", etc.

I come out of the toilet, asking what the hell's going on - they're mortified - anyway, I eventually get it out of them that DP cheated on me 4 months into the relationship while on a lad's holiday in Barcelona. DP's brother's wife has known about this all along and was disgusted by it, but had not met me at the time it happened, our friendship has grown since.

I confront DP about this and eventually he admitted it (like he had a choice!), insisting it was just a one night stand, he was drunk, etc. He's begging me to forgive him, saying he'd never do that now, that this was at the start of our relationship, when he still had his guard up - he daren't believe that what we had would last and he feared I'd break his trust just like his ex did, that he's an idiot, etc.

I want to believe him, but this wasn't just a few weeks into our relationship - it was 4 months - we'd had the conversation about being exclusive, we'd recently said the big "L" word, he was talking about introducing me to his family, which he did a couple of months after his holiday.

I've told him I need space to think - he's gone to stay with a friend. Our relationships been wonderful, no other red flags whatsoever - at the back of my mind I've often thought "this is too good to be true"! - well yeah, it was! Now I feel like the last three years have been a lie.

I still love him, and part of me wishes I'd never found out. Another part of me thinks: he's kept this from my fir 2 1/2 years - how can I ever trust him again? I feel foolish, livid and completely dumbfounded.

Has anyone out there been in this situation before? How did you cope? Did you end it or try and make it work?

Thank you x

Also, other people knew about it, and has covered for her fiance.

How humiliating.

You are right of course, but people can also cheat when they have never done so before. I would say I am less likely to cheat now having had a scare. It's a perfectly reasonable position to think that I have shown my true character and it's just a matter of time until I do it again but I don't think that's me...

I know it's a big ask for the OP to trust them again.

To be clear, the only reason I said anything was in respect to whether he would do it again. All the points about covering it up etc are completely right.

I don't think once a cheat always a cheat either-

Maybe op you and df could get some counselling and you can hear what he has to say - and what he can learn from this- with an impartial outsider.

^ I agree that once a cheat doesn't mean always.

But I think if he'd rather lie & risk humiliating her like that than tell her something that important, then it says a lot about the type of man he is, however good the relationship may seem besides that.

the trust is broken. deal breaker for me i'm afraid. and when kids come along the going gets tough: sleepless nights, no time to yourself, feeling like you've been hit by a bulldozer. will your relationship be strong enough to whether that storm?

he's already demonstrated that at the best point, the honeymoon period, he's shagged someone else. this guy isn't trustworthy.

My opinion is to not cancel the venue this early. This revelation is still very raw and new and I don't think you should be thinking about making such life changing decisions so quickly. I think you said the wedding isn't until next summer? That's 9 months away which give you plenty of time to sort things put with your fiancée. How would you feel if you cancelled the wedding and in a months time you have managed to get past his cheating? You're then back to hunting for another venue booking etc and God knows how long that would take. I imagine you are very angry, rightly so and a knee jerk reaction is to cancel the wedding as a punishment to him, but unless you are 100% sure that you can never forgive him and that you never want to marry him, then leave the Wedding Booked.

I also think this is something that can be worked through _ you need to give yourself some time to let your anger and hurt settle down but I do believe that you can move past it if you genuinely believe he loves you and you genuinely believe he has not cheated on you apart from that one time.

You say he'd not long come out of a relationship when you met him that obviously hadn't been a nice break-up and there is no telling how that can affect someone. I have had awful break ups in the past with long term boyfriends and it sent me off the rails. Maybe your boyfriend just got scared that he'd gone from one relationship to another very quickly and his sleeping with someone else was his way of trying to tell himself that he didn't love you, not because he didn't, but just because he was scared of that codependency again. Also, if he had trust issues after his ex, he may have been scared to put his trust in you and him doing what he did was just another way of him drunkenly and stupidly acting like he didn't need you.

When I had problems with one of my exes a wise woman said to me, "This is real life and love doesn't always happen like it does in the movies!"

Just think very, very carefully about your next action and don't rush into something you will regret.

People can be stupid at times, most of us have done stupid things that have unfortunately hurt other people, usually those closest to us, but does that mean we should be written off? Too err is human, to forgive, divine. It would be different if he had been cheating on you for years but I doubt he has, he just made a stupid mistake a long time ago on the back of what seemed like a bad relationship. I'm not excusing what he did, but not everything is black and white.

You just need to ask yourself if you are prepared to throw away the future you had planned because of what he did.

I feel for you because whatever decision you make will be hard but just take your time in thinking about your next step. I would at least live it a month or so before even considering cancelling the wedding, just give yourself some time to get your head around it, make sense of it and spend lots of time talking to your fiancée about how you can move on from this. X x

Don't postpone the wedding - it just delays you having to make a decision about whether you want to be with this man. Be wary of someone who uses an ex's bad behaviour to act like a prat himself.

Maybe your boyfriend just got scared that he'd gone from one relationship to another very quickly and his sleeping with someone else was his way of trying to tell himself that he didn't love you, not because he didn't, but just because he was scared of that codependency again. Also, if he had trust issues after his ex, he may have been scared to put his trust in you and him doing what he did was just another way of him drunkenly and stupidly acting like he didn't need you.

I think that's pretty much summed up exactly what was going through DP's head - question is, whether I can get past this or not.

If it was me, I would really want to try x

IF that was going through his mind, then he is a pretty good hypocrite, and manipulative too! How can he say he loves you, and want to be exclusive and act all lovey dovey, and then go shag somebody because he is scared? Sounds manipulative to me. Maybe he just wanted YOU to be exclusive and said I love you to that end? Because he had such bad experience with his Ex he set different rules for you two...

Two minds about this- it could be a pissed up ONS, which he bitterly regretted and would never do again.
On the other hand, he has cheated when you are in the first flush of love, when everything is at its best, which is usually when your head is so full of the other person you don't notice anyone else. I would be concerned about his fidelity when you have kids and everything is drudgery for a few years. The thought that others knew as well would humiliate me, walking down the aisle wondering who else knows would take the shine off everything for me. I really feel for you OP.
I suppose it comes down to if you feel you can take the chance on him. It's a hell of a chance to take though, committing to someone financially and having their children knowing what you now. He could never do it again, or he could be a shagging bastard giving you a heads up of things to come.
Personally I'd knock this on the head, you have no children together, and being as young as you are could start again, and find someone else to be happy with instead of this possibly shadowing the rest of the relationship.
Easier for an outsider to say though, not having an emotional attachment!

Be kind to yourself, you don't have to make any decisions straight away, take a few months to firmly decide what you want to do. Tell your friends and get some RL support xx

if it was me who was in your situation i think i would need to think about forgiving him rather than walking away and making any rash decisions as I dont think 4 months into a relationship is that long.

as for the STI stuff - if nothing has showed up in the last 2.5 years i dont think i would be rushing off to the docs.

I just have a true life experience I'd like to share with you blindside

Me and my sister are very close and we have a mutual best friend. We have all been best friends for 16-17 years now.

About 6 years ago my sister slept with our best friends fiancée. I won't go into detail about how I know but it absolutely shook my world. I had no idea what to do. I felt my loyalty was to my sister, who also had a long term partner and a young son with him.

About 3 months after it happened I confronted my friends fiancée about it and he broke down in absolute tears. We talked about it a lot and I promised I wouldn't say anything - and I never have. So for 6 years I have lived what that secret, and when me and my sister stood there as her bridesmaids at their wedding it sat very uncomfortable.

However, fast forward to now and he is a fantastic husband and I have no doubts whatsoever about his being faithful to her. They have 2 children together and he is a brilliant father and does everything possible to make sure his family have a good life. It took me a long time to get over what he had done, but it is well and truly in the past now.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that in that situation he cheated on his fiancée when they'd been together for years, and cheated with her best friend - could anything seem more awful? But, fast forward to now and I feel relieved that I never told my friend. Part of me wonders what would have happened if she knew, I actually think they may have worked it out, but when I look at how happy they are now and what a wonderful family they have. I know I will always have the weight of my decision on my shoulders but I feel like I made the right one.

I know it's different to your situation as you know about your boyfriends cheating but it did happen very early on in your relationship and just because of a stupid mistake he made years ago, that doesn't mean he should be written off and that he doesn't have the potential to make you happy.

It wasn't that long ago, though, was it?

It was only just over 2 years ago.

That's around how long it is reckoned by many on here it takes to get back to normal after a revelation of infidelity.

So you'd have your entire relationship over again trying to get over what he did to you in the first half of your time together.

So first half of relationship - based entirely on lies (lies that were well known to others)

Second half of relationship - based on trying to get over the first half of the relationship.

You'll be at least 6 years together before you can have any kind of normal, happy relationship.

And you might actually be able to have children more quickly with someone else, because rushing into it with this dude would be a massive, mistake.

No matter what you decide, the relationship you thought you had is over.

I would be practical and find out about cancellation costs for the venue and any other wedding things you've booked and would cancel for now. You don't need to tell people anything yet.

I would ask him, and the friend who told you if, there has been other infidelity. And make it clear that if he lies and you ever find out there will be no way back.

But if he'd been a good partner apart from this and worked hard to win back trust think I could forgive him.

I really feel for you OP. DH and I got together very quickly. Living together after a few weeks and engaged after 4 months. During our engagement I found that he had been having regular lunches with an ex. I don't think they were sexual but I was upset that he had clearly decided to keep them from me.
We have now been married for 16 years, mostly happily. That episode did rock my confidence a bit and has left its mark on our marriage. I don't regret marrying him but it made me realise I didn't really know him.
I don't know what to advise you but I feel for you. I would be asking his friends honestly if they thought this ONS was out of character for him?

The others knowing is humiliating but it was up to him to tell you. His SIL was 'disgusted' but not so appalled she ever told you.

You can say to him he was a different person then. It was before he proposed and you're upset but can still see a future with him. You love him now. He ever puts himself in that situation again and you are finished.

If you can sleep easy and trust him out of your sight, that is.

A wedding can be cancelled or postponed.

I'd be wondering whether this was not just a one off tbh. That would be the problem for me. After all, he must have had other opportunities where there were not witnesses to his behaviour.

A slightly similar thing happened to me in the past but the differences were that the relationship was only a few weeks old, we had not agreed exclusivity yet and also he came clean about it on its own because he wanted to be honest. In that situation I felt we could move on but I was still very hurt when I found out.

SIL was appalled when she found out but didn't know me at the time - I was only introduced to her a couple of months after she found out. Her DH made her promise not to say anything despite her principles, out of loyalty to his brother, DP.

I've had another chance to speak to SIL today, and what I've found out makes my stomach churn - apparently at the time, the conversation between BIL and DP went something like this: DP: "I tapped off with some bird in Barcelona." BIL: "What about Blindsided?" DP: "It's still early days, she's great, but I'm still raw from XP."

...so if he wasn't sure of his feelings for me then, why did he tell me that we were exclusive and he loved me??!

SIL as tried to assure me that it wasn't long after that that DP DID become totally sure of his feelings for me, realised I wasn't going to play him like his XP did and deeply regretted being such a fool. She says she's sure he's been 100% devoted to me since and if he slipped up again, she would know about it, because the three of them are thick as thieves (either that, or DP's the best liar in the world, which I'm not ruling out!)

I'm not sure about all this at three months it's first flush of happiness, loves young dream bollocks. How many times would you have seen him (on dates) in those three/four months? Had you slept together?

"so if he wasn't sure of his feelings for me then, why did he tell me that we were exclusive and he loved me??!"

Because he's a liar who says what he thinks will get him the result that he wants?

Yes, we were sleeping together at that point - when we first started seeing each other we met once or twice a week - four months in we were seeing each other maybe three nights a week.

And also

"DP: "I tapped off with some bird in Barcelona."
BIL: "What about Blindsided?"
DP: "It's still early days, she's great, but I'm still raw from XP."

Urgh

What a creep.

He "tapped off with some bird"?

Really, you can do better than this guy.

oh get rid straight off.

he's only pissed off cos he's got found out/someone told.

I had an ex-SO like this - he always THOUGHT I was cheating on him. Late night calls on my mobile after I went out (we lived apart) to check I was home (yes, asleep, and he woke me up). Then I found out when we broke up and I'd thought he may have cheated. we had a row and he told me (it was when he was away with a friend) and he thought I'd never find out so he didn't tell me. when I asked why he didn't tell me at the time it was "because he thought I'd dump him" - damned right - I'd have had good reason.