Who should you put first - your partner or your children?

[Notsoyummymummy1]

Put a lock on your bedroom door. Never let a child interrupt. Kiss your partner first. This guidance is in Andrew G Marshall's book, 'I Love You But You Always Put Me Last', which argues that parents need to childproof their relationships, or lose them - partners are for life but children are just passing through! Does anyone else think this completely unrealistic?! Incidentally he doesn't have kids himself!

Typical man

He's a self-serving arse.

Young children always come first. As they grow more self-sufficient then maybe less so, but they'll still be a priority.

You need to make time for your partner too but any partner worth his salt is ALSO going to prioritise the children - if he doesn't, he can fuck off.

Wow - It's pretty obvious he doesn't have kids and of course that he is MALE!!
Knob-head!

My children come first. No debate about it.

(Although wasn't sure how to answer when DS asked if there was a lion and I could save one of him or DD who I would choose...)

Yes, I agree with him.
I know so many couples who split up because the dc always come first. I worship my kids and will always be there for them but not at the expense of my dh. Kids do take up a lot of your time but you still need time for each other.

Yep, my marriage has survived kids (so far) `despite cosleeping, open bedroom door policy etc. Is this aimed at mothers or fathers? IME these sorts of books always talk about everyone else's needs except the mother's.

As for 'partners are for life but children are just passing through' - DH and I take the attitude that they are only going to be this young and dependent for a relatively short amount of time.
We also enjoy doing stuff as a family and I'd like to think we'll have a good and strong relationship with our children, even once they've moved out and have families of their own, something that doesn't seem compatible with this 'othering' of children.

It all depends on the time, place, situation and need. Obviously there will be times when the children need you more and times when you put your partner before your children.

For example, if my child was having a bad night or was ill I would without a second thought snuggle up to sleep next to him/her in the same bed or on the spare bed in the same room and leave my husband to sleep alone. On the other hand, there have been times when we've locked the bedroom door and told the children who came knocking (Muuuuuum, can I have a packet of crisps? or Mummmm, he's not giving it to me) to go look out of the window or play a computer game for a while and I'd see to him later.

Likewise, when the kids come home from school, it's all about them for the next hour, getting changed, getting snacks, listening to tales of what happened, marvelling over artwork etc. My husband knows he's not a priority at these times. But I do put them to bed early and then then enjoy quiet time with my husband on most evenings too.

Some days we go out as a couple, but on most occasions as a family. We have family meals together on most days but also reserve the odd night for meals alone at home without the kids.

Why do I need to choose one over the other?

I must admit I do get a bit petty and niggly with dh because I want things to be perfect for dd, I do cringe at myself but can't seem to help it!

Although, having said that I do realise there are some couples who need to learn to give their relationship a bit more attentions too and not make life revolve just around the kids. I guess they could benefit from some of the advice in the book but I don't see the need to go to the extreme of saying my relationship with my partner is more important than my relationship with my kids.

If your marriage or relationship is strong and you see parenting as a shared responsibility then I cant see why children will come between you and create problems unless you have a selfish arse of a DH or partner.

Like WoTmania we enjoy doing things as a family and while DH and me don't get as much quality time together especially as they are still young our life has been enriched by having them. I wouldn't want to go back to my pre-kid days when everything just revolved around me

From a mother's perspective I can see that small DCs (breast feeding age range) should be the priority. Therefore the father should probably be making the mother the priority to ensure the DCs are happy and well looked after.

After that it's anyones guess really and depends on the dynamic of the relationship between mother, father and DC.

From personal experience the sidelining of a partner over DC is painful, upsetting and depressing, but ultimately DCs needs supercede mine (being a grown adult an all that!).

We are capable of loving more than one person in our homes at once. We are also able to shift our time and priorities according to others needs; and our own. There is space for everyone to feel special at some point during the day/week. We can also spend one-to-one time with each of the people that we are close to.

There simply is no need to choose.

So in that respect; I think his opinion falls flat.

I think it's about balance. My emotional commitment is primarily to my DH, in that he's the one I have a reciprocal relationship with and the one that's going to be around with me the longest. But we made a commitment together to have children and it's our priority to give them a good start in life so we will frequently bth be putting them first.

I don't think the rules you list are about putting your partner first, but about having a hierarchical family structure - which I think is a tired throwback to relgious paternalism and generally looks at the man's "needs" and ignores the woman's. Because if it considered the woman's needs then things like - help with all the chores and don't sit in front the football all weekend would also be mentioned somewhere. Not because those are things that all women "need" but because those are the ways that, in our society, men more frequently fail to put their partners first. But I never see things that would generally require behaviour changes by men to the benefit of women mentioned.

Children come first. Always.

In general children would be my priority. We decided on them, their existence is our responsibility until they are adults. As simple as that.

DH signed up to kids knowing this and I expect him to be on-board with this choice and everything it entails.

My second priority is myself and my own health/ mental health. If I am not well or stressed then I can't effectively do anything for anyone else. Sleep before cuddles, kisses or anything else that necessitates a lock on the bedroom door.

In effect we all just muddle through, trying to have fun days out as a family unit. DH has suggested we go away, just the 2 of us but the DDs are difficult to settle at night and I'm not inflicting them on anyone at this point (2 and 4 yo).

I am pretty sure that my DH would push me aside to save my child from a speeding car. The logic being that a two year old can't be sure to get himself to safety!

"after almost 30 years working as a marital therapist, I?ve become convinced that, while men don?t have enough friends or emotional support, women can have far too many and too much." from a 2012 article.

So basically this is about what women do wrong, yeah?

My child comes first, before me, before DH, before anyone or any thing. She is 6 months old and relies on us for everything. Marriages don't necessarily last forever, but once you have kids you are a parent for the rest of your life.

Each partner and each children have their own importance and should have a place in each other's lives.

It's fine, just as long as the man also gives importance to his children and is prepared to open the door when they knock on it.

is he by any chance married to/living with/dating a woman with children?

Good post by Emmeline.

I just posted this in relation to another thread:

No-one, not even children, should be in a position where they have demi-god status to the detriment of another. Children's needs come before adult wants but that's as far as it goes.

A family should pull together as a team. Expecting your DC to respect your privacy so you can maintain the relationship with your partner is not putting your DP before your DC. Expecting your DP to suck up the fact that he's not getting any that night because one of the DC is ill is not putting your DC before your DP. It's about adapting to the needs of all concerned based on what's happening at the time and what's fair. A family is a team. When the youngest members are very small their needs tend to outweigh everyone else's wants, but that phase only lasts a short time.

Marshall seems to be giving the other extreme view, somewhere in between is the middle ground - like knock when you're old enough before you come in, and having family time, DC time and date nights, time away. Just common sense to keep an even balance so everyone is happy. If the balance is wrong, that's when problems occur.

I have no idea how you would even go about child-proofing a relationship once you have decided to have kids. Once you have children, you are a family, not just a couple any more - the dynamic is completely different. Any man who says that he wants kids but then refuses to budge in his lifestyle to make room for them is a twat.

That said, things change with the age of the kids. Little children have no concept of boundaries and should never be shut out. Older kids, on the other hand, I think can understand that Mum and Dad's room is private, that Mum and Dad are having some time together, etc.

I always tell my DH that we should remember these sleepless nights, early wakings, etc, because one day our kids won't need us to do anything for them and we will miss it

Torn on this. I think young children have to come first as they have no one else to rely on. But surely most couples will recognise this, and act accordingly? Their relatiinship will take a step back with babies and toddleds, but then become as important and more of a priority once the chidren are older,

Now my kids are teens and becoming very independent, although they are always a priority, i wouldn't want to be suddenly looking at DH and thinking "who are you?"

It is important to aways, always keep an intimate and loving relationship with your partner. If you want to be together in middle/old age, that is.

Dahlen- spot on