Thumb - yes, we discussed it at length during counselling sessions. Ex-wife, incidentally.
Charbon - I agree, it's not just parenting vs being a spouse - I think to be healthy there need to be three different types of needs within a family - individual needs (hobbies, work, alone time), the husband-wife relationship and the parenting relationship between the parents and children.
All of them need to be in balance, which doesn't mean equal in terms of time and effort.
When DC are babies obviously they have greater needs than a spouse, and the other relationships have to adjust accordingly. But needs are not wants, as other people have said. In order for a marriage to survive, it has needs too - communication, sex, humour, compromise etc. Ignoring those needs are not as obvious short term as a pissed off boss or a crying child, but longer term it can be disastrous for the marriage. Not asking about my wife's day because I was too busy talking to my kids about their day at nursery was a problem in the long term - and the same for my wife asking about mine.
I thought I'd said the problem we had was that both of us put the children first, I wasn't talking about extreme motherhood. While doing that we both let the relationship with the other slide. I rarely went out to see my friends, nor did my wife. We both ended up on laptops or tablets in front of the tv once the kids were in bed, and hardly spoke to each other. We both tried to fix it, and it was too late, we both resented the other for ignoring us.
Incidentally I said the lesson was for both men and women. I may be a patronising bastard, but I do it irrespective of gender. And as the topic was about putting children or partners first, I didn't think it was relevant to bring up work or hobbies.