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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stay at Home Dad - Vent.

88 replies

LonesomeDad · 03/09/2013 23:05

I have no one I can talk to about what is happening, so I wrote this poem (warning - some mild swearing):

I woke up tired when baby screamed
Made sure she was burped with bottom cleaned
Then I made you breakfast in bed
I joined you with coffee, that's when you said:

'Useless lazy bstard
'Useless lazy bstard
'Do you think I sit about and drink
'You useless lazy b*stard?'

I worked hard for the next six hours
Stopping only to bring you lunch and flowers
Then I said I'd take my break
And in a rage you began to shake:

'Useless lazy bstard
'Useless lazy bstard
'Do you think I ever take a break
'You useless lazy b*stard?'

I needed the computer for part-time business
I told you, pleading your forgiveness
'I'm using it' you said, child at breast
And out you spat the familiar rest:

'Useless lazy bstard
'Useless lazy bstard
'I'm not letting you plan pretentious sht
'You useless lazy bstard.'

I retreated and remembered how you loved me
In happy days before you shoved me
Instead I snooze to use my break
A short time later I awake, to:

'Useless lazy bstard
'Useless lazy bstard
'Sleeping proves you waste my space
'You useless lazy b*stard'

Later she came and hugged me, 'There'
She spoke, 'to show you that I care'
(Oh how much I love to touch her!)
'even though', she added, 'your such a:

'Useless lazy bstard
'Useless lazy bstard
'Feel better now
'You useless lazy b*stard?'

That evening baby gave a smile
Just for me and so worthwhile
But ever since my heart's been sinking
At the thought of baby thinking:

Useless lazy bstard
Useless lazy bstard
Do I want you as my Daddy? Don't make me laugh
You useless lazy b*stard.

OP posts:
Lweji · 03/09/2013 23:10

Does she call you that? :(

whitsernam · 03/09/2013 23:12

so sad. So what do you want to do?

Darkesteyes · 03/09/2013 23:13

So sorry to hear this I hope she doesnt call you that Its emotional abuse.

AuntySib · 03/09/2013 23:15

Oh dear. It comes across how upset you are. Don't know what's going on at home, but your poetry is really effective. Talk to her, and keep channelling into writing.

noobieteacher · 03/09/2013 23:20

Brilliant. Love it. Get some mates to start up a band and turn it into a song. Perform and dedicate it to her.

Suelford · 03/09/2013 23:24

Get out. You are being emotionally and physically abused.

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking · 03/09/2013 23:26

Your relationship sounds toxic, not good for you or your little one. You are being abused by your oh Hmm

stepmooster · 04/09/2013 03:06

Yep that's how my mother treated my father for 25 years. Kids do pick up on it, don't stay for their sake you do them no favours.

kutee · 04/09/2013 06:07

Call her a lazy b. She'll soon stop.

hm32 · 04/09/2013 06:20

Perhaps you need to sit down and talk about this. It is possible that she is unbelievably jealous - that you get to spend far more time with the baby than she does, that you don't have the stress of making the family's money etc. With a small baby, it can hurt so much emotionally for the mother to leave them with someone else that it almost feels like a physical pain. It doesn't take everyone that way, but some people do really struggle. Does she resent you - resent that you're not working so she has to? Resent that she can't spend time with her baby as a result? That would make her react the way you describe.

If you still love her (and it sounds like you do), I'd get a job and put baby in childcare. That will stop this, might enable her to go part time a bit and in any case will possibly save your relationship as you'll both be at work. If it doesn't, at least you'll have an income to move out on.

TheOrchardKeeper · 04/09/2013 08:07

Does she call you a useless lazy bastard? Hmm

Errr that's not OK!

Lweji · 04/09/2013 08:43

I'm not sure about what hm32 said.

I was working away from home ad ex was a SAHD.
I never called him that.
Let's not all assume that mothers are traumatised by being away from their babies.

We don't have the full picture of how much you do or don't do, but it should be discussed not name calling. (calling back is a slippery slope and not healthy either)

As with most women I'd agree that you should get at least a part time job for you to fall back on should you separate.

Are there any other issues in your relationship, say financial?

Dackyduddles · 04/09/2013 08:46

Actually I'd agree with h32 in only as much as not being with mine was a physical pain that shocked hell out of me. It is though just 1 possibility out of a million variables.

Wanna talk op? U ok?

Gigondas · 04/09/2013 09:31

Yes there is a very visceral physical attachment as a mother to a baby. That doesn't give an excuse for bad behaviour or abuse.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 04/09/2013 09:59

Is this your life? Because this is not acceptable and you are being abused by your partner. www.mensadviceline.org.uk/mens_advice.php

VenusRising · 04/09/2013 10:02

I'd get a job to bring in some money, as Xenia always says!

Original poster
LonesomeDad · 04/09/2013 11:45

Yes that's my life, she's called me that every day for two or three weeks, even though I've told her it hurts me and asked her to stop - and argued that it's not true - and kept a diary so I can tell her what I've been doing. She says she will stop calling me a useless lazy b when I stop being one.

She wanted me to give up my career. It took me a long time to be persuaded.

OP posts:
Fragglewump · 04/09/2013 11:50

How awful for you. I suggest you separate this is not a way to live and is damaging for the dc!

hellsbellsmelons · 04/09/2013 11:57

Is she out working all day and comes home and calls you this?
I have no idea why you are putting up with such behaviour and name calling.
If the shoe was on the other foot all hell would have broken lose on here by now!
I think I'd have to walk out and away from it if it was happening to me.
Every time she does it.
Walk out of the house and have a little time to yourself and time to calm down.
If it continues then you need to consider temporary separation to see if that helps at all.
Not sure about counselling as people on here often say - you shouldn't go with your abuser and she is clearly being pretty damn abusive towards you.
Could you sit her down calmly and discuss everything you have said here?
If baby is young it could be that she is struggling with PND or something similar and may need to see her GP about it.
But in all honesty - to make you give up your career and to now be treating you like this - you shouldn't be putting up with it - end of.
Get out there and get yourself a job as you will need some independency when you do leave.
This sounds horribly toxic and it will eat away at your self-esteem. Don't let it get to that stage!

Squitten · 04/09/2013 12:45

Your relationship sounds extremely abusive. She has convinced you to adopt the more vulnerable position of giving up your career and is now abusing you on a daily basis for not living up to her standards.

I don't think getting a job is going to fix the lack of basic respect in your relationship! I think you need to sit down with her and spell out that she needs to stop all of this IMMEDIATELY. If she refuses to change her abusive behaviour, you really need to get out of there.

whiteandyellowiris · 04/09/2013 12:53

Sad show her the poem and make her see how much shes hurting you

the saddest part is when you actuualy think your child woudl think that about youSad

somersethouse · 04/09/2013 12:58

Dreadful, dreadful.
So sorry OP. Sad

mrsbeano · 04/09/2013 13:04

Your DC won't think that.

Unacceptable, tell her to leave and take some time out because its unfair.

Did she not do mat leave at all? Does she not know what its like to be at home all day?

Do you have any support in RL?

HerrenaHarridan · 04/09/2013 13:30

If this is true and she I not currently getting help from metal health issues (wouldn't make it acceptable)

You need to end this relationship. Either tell her to move out or pack up yourself and your dc and move.

Your dc do not deserve to grow up believing this is normal, this is not normal and you deserve better

jogger · 04/09/2013 13:51

Sounds like you need to go out and get a job. Why would you want to stay at home anyway? Your wife obviously disapproves.

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