Stay at Home Dad - Vent.

[LonesomeDad]

I have no one I can talk to about what is happening, so I wrote this poem (warning - some mild swearing):

I woke up tired when baby screamed
Made sure she was burped with bottom cleaned
Then I made you breakfast in bed
I joined you with coffee, that's when you said:

'Useless lazy bstard
'Useless lazy bstard
'Do you think I sit about and drink
'You useless lazy b*stard?'

I worked hard for the next six hours
Stopping only to bring you lunch and flowers
Then I said I'd take my break
And in a rage you began to shake:

'Useless lazy bstard
'Useless lazy bstard
'Do you think I ever take a break
'You useless lazy b*stard?'

I needed the computer for part-time business
I told you, pleading your forgiveness
'I'm using it' you said, child at breast
And out you spat the familiar rest:

'Useless lazy bstard
'Useless lazy bstard
'I'm not letting you plan pretentious sht
'You useless lazy bstard.'

I retreated and remembered how you loved me
In happy days before you shoved me
Instead I snooze to use my break
A short time later I awake, to:

'Useless lazy bstard
'Useless lazy bstard
'Sleeping proves you waste my space
'You useless lazy b*stard'

Later she came and hugged me, 'There'
She spoke, 'to show you that I care'
(Oh how much I love to touch her!)
'even though', she added, 'your such a:

'Useless lazy bstard
'Useless lazy bstard
'Feel better now
'You useless lazy b*stard?'

That evening baby gave a smile
Just for me and so worthwhile
But ever since my heart's been sinking
At the thought of baby thinking:

Useless lazy bstard
Useless lazy bstard
Do I want you as my Daddy? Don't make me laugh
You useless lazy b*stard.

Yes, waltermittymissus, but downplaying happens in female as well as male cases. That is why I said not everyone would be saying LTB if it was with a woman.
Sadly.

I agree that if she keeps on going he should LTB.
We don't have enough information of how he's addressed it so far to try to advise on LTB now or to try and do something about it.

Lweji, you know as well as I do that no amount of 'addressing it' will ever make any difference.

There is nothing this man could do to make his wife stop abusing him. Only if she wants to will she stop.

She doesn't, she won't.

Not unless he leaves her and takes his child with him.

Abusers don't stop being abusers because someone's "addressed" it though.

This is quite heart breaking. I would advise leaving, this is not a good environment for anyone

Thanks everyone for their comments, I really appreciate them. We have been discussing - well arguing - about these things. She is on maternity leave - and perhaps too much time together is part of the problem. I don't want to say more as I know people who use this site, and might recognise me.

Of course the situation is vastly more complex than the poem suggests - there are lots of positive things about her, and I still love her more than I ever thought I would love anyone. And of course I am far from perfect too. She recognises that some of her behaviour is wrong and says she will do something about it. I should have left her before but I didn't expect things to get this bad, and I believed she was going to change and wanted me to be happy. And now of course we have a baby I want to grow up with me...

For some reason she doesn't recognise everything (barely anything) I do as valuable - even though I have been focusing on the things she says she wants done - and doesn't think there is a problem with the language and attitude I describe in the poem, even though I have told her so many times and so many ways how much it hurts and why it isn't true.

When I said I wanted to go back to work, her first response was to say she would divorce me.

That's absolutely heartbreaking. You don't say how old your baby is but I know first months can be very hard however that's no excuse to call you that at all. Do you think she may be jealous of the bond you will form with the baby in her absence?

Lonesome she is being VERY controlling. Please talk to Mankind or a trusted friend about this. New laws regarding coercive control came in in April this year.

Coercive control

www.familylawweek.co.uk/site.aspx?i=ed100745

Awful behaviour you should leave her, your situation sounds horrendous.

You really need to call Mankind you need to talk to someone supportive in rl, as well as online. She is being abusive. This is now way to live.

How is she with the baby? Does she have much to do with her/him apart from bf (did I read that right? She's bf?).

So her behaviour isn't new to having baby then?

You say you should have split with her before but you thought it would get better? It hasn't got better, it's got worse and it's unlikely to get better ever. Please speak to mankind and/or a solicitor and get you and your child out of this situation.

Does your DC formula feed? When is your DP going back to work?

Op I sympathise and understand what you are going through having been on the receiving end of both physical and emotional/verbal abuse. I too loved my oh and lived in the hope that it would stop it didn't all my tolerating the pain and heartache only further empowered my oh's behaviour.
It destroyed the confidence not only of me but the children as well who witnessed some and picked up a lot more of the toxicity towards the end of the relationship me and the children were shells of our former selfs. Needless to say my love and mother of our children left for an om and walked out of her childrens lives.
Its been nine months and for me its been hell and now and again I wallow in what ifs but I can say that the children are far happier and regaining what they had lost of themselves. I am primary carer to an infant and he has thrived since her departure.
In retrospect I should have kicked her out for all our sakes. Abuse is abuse and I know firsthand how hard it is to admit as a man that your a victim but now is the time to prioritise yourself and your child. If you really feel there is a chance to save your relationship then it time to make her see the consequences of her behaviour kick her out to give both you and her time to think. Above all find someone to confide in, there is no shame in admitting that you have been abused.

If you wish to talk op feel free to pm

Thats a very insighful heartfelt post Used.

• insighTful

She said she would divorce you if you got another job?? That's deeply disturbing - she's trying to control you and keep you away from being outside of the home with other people.

Do you get to see friends, go out, have some time on your own away from the family environment?

Does she realise that divorcing you would mean you could get custody, as the primary carer?

Take note of what usedandabused has said too. She sounds very dissatisfied - if this is the case, then it's highly likely that there is nothing you can do that will make any difference to her attitude. It's quite likely that she simply doesn't love you - or at least doesn't love you enough. You don't have to put up with that.

Op this is absolutely awful and I am so sorry You don't have to live like this.

You've said she's on mat leave? I had understood you were the baby's main carer? So when is she returning to work? I thought you wre only entitled to maternity leave if you were the primary carer. It looks to me like she's having her cake and eating it, taking mat leave, but refusing to allow you to get a job and making you SAHP at the same time. Very controlling. Can you speak to a hv about this or something? Do you have any family support?

she would divorce you? Honestly I keep reading this as if you were the SATmother and she were the breadwinner/controller/abuser partner. You are in te same boat - read some if the relationship threads, and put yourself in the (female) posters place - you are there too.

You should not have to put up with this abuse - mental/financial/emotional.

LonesomeDad, it is not OK for you to be called names, to have your contribution to the household denigrated, and to be threatened in response to you expressing your wants and needs.

All of that is abuse, and you deserve better.

You say you should have left before, but you believed that she would change. Do you still believe that she will change? I don't mean do you hope that she will change -- of course you hope she will. But has she demonstrated through her actions that she is on serious path to change?

It doesn't sound like it. If any change is to happen, she has to want to change very much, and she has to do it herself. If this is not the case, then your options are to put up with more abuse, and teach your DC that this is how relationships function so that they may repeat this dysfunctional pattern in their own adult life, or LTB.

Good luck. It's a long process to come to terms with. Please do phone Mankind if you feel ready to talk this through with someone.

Lonesome she sounds so very controlling and abusive.

She won't change this behaviour without serious work.

She needs to leave. Let her work on herself with extensive therapy away from you and your child.

Only then should you even consider returning to this relationship.

OP - if you were the mother I'd say LTB and take the dc with you. (or kick him out) If you are the Primary Carer, then you could do the same. Does she know this? That you would get care and custody of the dc, she would be a weekend parent, that she would in all seriousness have to pay child support to you for looking after them?

Has she seen a professional in case she has PND or other MH issues? Or in your heart do you think it is how she is; controlling, abusive, dismissive.

When is she back to work from maternity leave?

If anyone told me (nowadays) that they'd divorce/leave me if I did/didn't do xy or z, i'd help them pack with my size 6 boot up their arse

But when I was in a DV relationship, I know how impossible it was to think that.

My advice to you is to get advice. It may be that you'd be best served waiting it out until maternity leave is over before you make a break.

You'll need time to strengthen and psych yourself up i'm sure.

Get legal help, find out your entitlements.

Do you have supportive family?

Lonesome, your OP is heartbreaking. I know how dreadfully hard it is to hear but, for your own sake and your DC's, please listen to the other posters who say you are being severely abused. It might help you to read Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?", substituting "she" for "he".

You said she abuses you even though "I have been focusing on the things she says she wants done". She has you thinking like an employee, a servant. You do not exist to carry out her wishes.
Can you even remember your own?

Yes, from the attitudes you describe, do LTB.

I'd thread carefully, particularly regarding the baby.
Even though she may not want to have the baby full time, she might well start a lengthy legal battle.
So, gather as much evidence as you can that you had to leave work for her and that it is her who doesn't want you to go back to work, and how much time you spend with the baby and so on.
It might be easier when she returns to work, as who is the main carer will be more obvious.

However, why have you left your job before the end of her maternity leave?
It feels as though she does want to keep you dependent on her.

I think sometimes the way we speak to our OH's is appalling.
I'm guilty of this too but not as extreme as your wife.
It is upsetting but on a positive note, she must feel secure with you in order to say those things iyswim.
IME dh and I were both saying hurtful things to each other.
We've now agreed that as secure as we are with each other, venting our frustrations this way is not acceptable. Our new motto is if it's something we wouldn't say to our own mothers or bosses at work, whether it's the tone of voice or what we're actually saying, we shouldn't say it to each other.
It is a hard habit to break and we're both still working on it. But apologising and a big hug after an outburst helps.

It is upsetting but on a positive note, she must feel secure with you in order to say those things iyswim

Wtf??