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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stay at Home Dad - Vent.

88 replies

LonesomeDad · 03/09/2013 23:05

I have no one I can talk to about what is happening, so I wrote this poem (warning - some mild swearing):

I woke up tired when baby screamed
Made sure she was burped with bottom cleaned
Then I made you breakfast in bed
I joined you with coffee, that's when you said:

'Useless lazy bstard
'Useless lazy bstard
'Do you think I sit about and drink
'You useless lazy b*stard?'

I worked hard for the next six hours
Stopping only to bring you lunch and flowers
Then I said I'd take my break
And in a rage you began to shake:

'Useless lazy bstard
'Useless lazy bstard
'Do you think I ever take a break
'You useless lazy b*stard?'

I needed the computer for part-time business
I told you, pleading your forgiveness
'I'm using it' you said, child at breast
And out you spat the familiar rest:

'Useless lazy bstard
'Useless lazy bstard
'I'm not letting you plan pretentious sht
'You useless lazy bstard.'

I retreated and remembered how you loved me
In happy days before you shoved me
Instead I snooze to use my break
A short time later I awake, to:

'Useless lazy bstard
'Useless lazy bstard
'Sleeping proves you waste my space
'You useless lazy b*stard'

Later she came and hugged me, 'There'
She spoke, 'to show you that I care'
(Oh how much I love to touch her!)
'even though', she added, 'your such a:

'Useless lazy bstard
'Useless lazy bstard
'Feel better now
'You useless lazy b*stard?'

That evening baby gave a smile
Just for me and so worthwhile
But ever since my heart's been sinking
At the thought of baby thinking:

Useless lazy bstard
Useless lazy bstard
Do I want you as my Daddy? Don't make me laugh
You useless lazy b*stard.

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 04/09/2013 13:55

OP please phone Mankind Initiative for some advice.

www.mankind.org.uk/

Darkesteyes · 04/09/2013 13:57

In case you dont want to click on the link the no. is
01823 334244

Darkesteyes · 04/09/2013 14:00

jogger if his wife has decided she now disapproves shes changed her mind after persuading the OP to give up his career.

Which means shes going to find fault no matter what he does.
Shes gaslighting him.

BitBewildered · 04/09/2013 14:02

That is awful, abusive behaviour OP. It is unacceptable. You should seek legal advice - many solicitors will do free weekly sessions so you can get an idea of where you stand.

Thumbwitch · 04/09/2013 14:07

Why does she do that to you? I fear I might be accused of victim blaming here, probably deservedly because whatever it is, you don't deserve to be called that daily - but do you know WHY she calls you that? What HER reasons are for it? Is she just expecting too much from you?

I suppose the reason I'm asking is because I have a tendency to call my husband lazy whenever he doesn't help out with house stuff, or put his crocks in the dishwasher, or return food to the fridge etc. - I "catastrophise" his poor behaviour and I know I do it, I shouldn't but I do. I don't' mean it. He works hard (he's NOT a SAHD) but he doesn't always do all he could in terms of doing his share of keeping the house going.

However. I don't call him a useless lazy bastard.

nenevomito · 04/09/2013 14:14

Start looking for a job.

You being at home is obviously not working is it. She's not happy, you're not happy, so its time to re-evaluate.

She shouldn't call you that.

She also sounds stressed herself. Is she working at home? If she's using the computer, while breastfeeding, it doesn't sounds like a great set-up for her either.

BabylonReturns · 04/09/2013 14:17

Wow, I'm astounded and very very Angry for you OP.

My DH was a stay at home dad for 3 years from 2009 to 2012, mainly because his travel costs to and from his job at the time were astronomical and my salary was much higher. We made a joint decision that he would stay at home with DDs and I would work.

Now DH is not known for his cooking skills, or indeed his housekeeping skills, but do you know what he tried, and did bloody well. Yes I moaned sometimes when I came home and had to start cleaning up, but the DDs were so happy that daddy was playing with them and taking them places and they have benefitted from that so much.

Over that three year period, DH also put himself through college (night classes, 2 nights per week) and retrained as a plumber, so he could set himself up as a self employed plumber/joiner - enabling me to leave my job and spend time at home with DCs (we also have a ds now)

We are a team, we've had our ups and downs, but essentially we are a team, and if I were to call him what your oh calls you, I would expect him to leave me. It is abuse, and of the worst kind too IMO as it is the hardest to prove.

It is not a good place for your DC to be, they will pick up on your sadness. Please take some advice from mankind, and above all else, be kind to yourself. I'm sure you're neither useless or lazy.

And I know it's not very pc on mumsnet, but have a ((((hug))))

noobieteacher · 04/09/2013 17:22

OP the poem's great, but you need to separate and find someone who won't call you names and that respects the work you do for the family. Don't waste more time on this one, plenty of caring and respectful women out there.

Everyone has ups and downs, but your experience is not normal.

Fairenuff · 04/09/2013 19:31

Why are you still with her?

giantpurplepeopleeater · 04/09/2013 19:36

This is horrendous. I'm so sorry. This is not right or good. Couples counselling, or some time out? You need something. Please don't continue like this.

SpottyDottie · 04/09/2013 19:40

This is awful OP! Please don't carry on like this. You deserve better

Pilgit · 04/09/2013 21:42

I am not going to excuse her behaviour - it is horrible and that needs to be addressed. It is quite horrid that you have got to the point where you have had to keep a diary of what you have been doing! However it might help to have a slightly different perspective - my DH works bloody hard and is the one at home. He can spend literally hours doing housework and it looks as if nothing has been done. I have observed how he does it and what he does. He always misses the big picture of making it look as if he's done something. So he'll work really hard sorting out the understairs cupboard, do a fab job then leave a heap of rubbish outside it. Or spend hours sorting out and tidying into little boxes the DD's lego but then not put the boxes away. Or clean the kitchen thoroughly, but leave the sink or not sweep the floor - so it just looks manky! So it never looks as if anything has been done. My DM on the other hand has perfected the art of looking as if she's cleaned or tidied whereas actually everything is just in very neat piles.... DH's perceived lack of housework used to really piss me off until I took a step back and realised what was going on (and I hope I never got that mean). I hope you resolve it and don't have to resort to LTB.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 04/09/2013 22:03

Jeez, no-one should be speaking to an SAHP like that (it's OK to swear on here BTW), how awful.
Can you tell us a bit about your background? Has your partner only started talking to you in this way since you gave up work?

waltermittymissus · 04/09/2013 22:04

There are a lot of excuses for her behaviour being made here.

If a woman had posted this, everyone would be screaming LTB.

Why should he "get a job"? Is being a stay at home parent not a valid lifestyle choice?

Charlottehere · 04/09/2013 22:31

Time to make plans to leave. You are the babys main career so should get custody.

Hissy · 05/09/2013 07:42

Love, you are in an abusive relationship.

It's not your doing, you don't deserve this.

If you stay it will only get worse, never better.

Your child will grow up thinking this is normal, and possibly repeat this scénario in their own life.

You need to act to save them, you are no different to any one of us who have suffered at the hands of their partners.

You can leave, you can (and I suggest you do this) leave WITH the baby.

Please call Mankind. Please report this to your Dr and Health Visitor. You need to plan your exit.

Remember the most dangerous time for one of us in this situation, is the time we choose to get out.

2 women a week are killed by their partners, 2 men month (I think) by theirs.

In any case love, you're not alone. Please keep posting, we'll bw here as long as you need us to be.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/09/2013 07:49

What Hissy wrote.

It is not your fault she is like this.

Please call Mankind, they can and will help you here. Domestic violence does not only affect women. Do keep posting too.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/09/2013 07:50

Couples counselling as well is never recommended where there is any type of abuse within a relationship.

OP - the only level of abuse acceptable in a relationship is NONE.

Hissy · 05/09/2013 10:27

Let me just add that the ONLY way that perpetrators of domestic abuse will stop is for them to see that they have absolutely no support of their treatment of you, ever.

In the book so often mentioned here for female victims 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft he states that the only time these people stop abusing us is if everyone and everything they know is taken away from them, no family condonement, no friends 'not getting involved' no 'but what did you do to upset them'

As Atilla says, the only acceptable level of abuse in any relationship is NONE.

We know how hard this must be for you to take in. Please don't ignore this, please let us help you find your way to a happier and healthier life.

You make reference to a shove in your OP. Is that something that happens often?

SunshineBossaNova · 05/09/2013 10:39

Lonesome I agree with others. Your relationship sounds abusive :( I'm sorry you're going through this, it must be soul destroying.

Please call Mankind and get some RL support and advice.

OrmirianResurgam · 05/09/2013 12:05

Not excuse for this. I am so sorry.

However could she be suffering from PND? It can make you crazy and unreasonable.

Hegsy · 05/09/2013 12:18

This sounds horrible Sad I agree with some others if this was a woman everyone would be screaming LTB! So please do something to get yourself out of this situation.

Lweji · 05/09/2013 12:23

I'm not sure everyone would be saying LTB. :)

However, you should be prepared to do it, and be clear about it with her if she doesn't respect you.

waltermittymissus · 05/09/2013 15:31

lweji this man is a victim of domestic abuse.

She doesn't respect him. She makes that very clear, daily, with her treatment of him.

I get very uncomfortable when I see threads like this lead towards downplaying DV situations.

Firewall · 05/09/2013 16:07

Poor you, I think there may be a case where she's obviously stressed and is taking it out on you. I guess it's a case where both of you are clearly working very hard but there seems to be a break in the team where either one doesn't feel appreciated or doesn't see the work the other is doing.
I think it's time to talk, ask her what she thinks you do, express that you feel under-valued. And if necessary, look for alternative childcare arrangements and go back to your career if that's what will help. The current situation doesn't seem very healthy and isn't a great environment for a child.