Stay at Home Dad - Vent.

[LonesomeDad]

I have no one I can talk to about what is happening, so I wrote this poem (warning - some mild swearing):

I woke up tired when baby screamed
Made sure she was burped with bottom cleaned
Then I made you breakfast in bed
I joined you with coffee, that's when you said:

'Useless lazy bstard
'Useless lazy bstard
'Do you think I sit about and drink
'You useless lazy b*stard?'

I worked hard for the next six hours
Stopping only to bring you lunch and flowers
Then I said I'd take my break
And in a rage you began to shake:

'Useless lazy bstard
'Useless lazy bstard
'Do you think I ever take a break
'You useless lazy b*stard?'

I needed the computer for part-time business
I told you, pleading your forgiveness
'I'm using it' you said, child at breast
And out you spat the familiar rest:

'Useless lazy bstard
'Useless lazy bstard
'I'm not letting you plan pretentious sht
'You useless lazy bstard.'

I retreated and remembered how you loved me
In happy days before you shoved me
Instead I snooze to use my break
A short time later I awake, to:

'Useless lazy bstard
'Useless lazy bstard
'Sleeping proves you waste my space
'You useless lazy b*stard'

Later she came and hugged me, 'There'
She spoke, 'to show you that I care'
(Oh how much I love to touch her!)
'even though', she added, 'your such a:

'Useless lazy bstard
'Useless lazy bstard
'Feel better now
'You useless lazy b*stard?'

That evening baby gave a smile
Just for me and so worthwhile
But ever since my heart's been sinking
At the thought of baby thinking:

Useless lazy bstard
Useless lazy bstard
Do I want you as my Daddy? Don't make me laugh
You useless lazy b*stard.

OP I agree that you need to get some support in RL. You deserve better than this.

Greggs, I know you mean well, but your marriage is not dysfunctional.

There are no power games as described here.

Apologising and hugging won't make a dent in thé emotional damage that verbal abuse of this level will do to a person.

She hugs, lots - and likes us to make up by the end of every day. But she almost never apologises for anything (in extreme cases a few days later) and does it all again the next day. There is a verse in the op about that.

It hurts me horribly but I've decided I can't accept the hugs any more because they are meaningless without respect and empathy -they give me false hope that leads me to greater hurt afterwards when it all repeats.

I called Mankind but helpline not 24hr. Looked at Woman's Aid pages in case that was useful - shocked that their response to their 'what about male victims' is basically 'they are liars and are probably the abuser'. The section says:

Research in Scotland, re-tracing men who were counted as victims in the Scottish Crime Survey, found that a majority of the men who said that they were victims of domestic violence, were also perpetrators of violence (13 of 22). A significant number of the men re-interviewed (13 out of 46) later said they had actually never experienced any form of
domestic abuse (Scottish Executive Central Research Unit, 2002). Other evidence also confirms that men who report that they are victims of domestic violence have mostly had different experiences from women victims/survivors and require a different response.
(Coulter 2007; Robinson and Rowland, 2007).

Pretty unbalanced and unfriendly.

I agree, OP but please don't let that put you off. Real life help is out there, you might have to look in a few places to find it.

It will take some time for you to come to terms with the fact that this is an abusive relationship which cannot be repaired by counselling.

But it would be a very good idea for you to have some counselling on your own, to talk this over with a professional.

Read as much as you can on the mn relationships board and you will see patterns of behaviour that you recognise in your wife. You are not alone, there are, unfortunately, many people who will understand your situation.

Also, keep posting for advice and support, or just to have somewhere to express your thoughts and feelings.

Well that's not really your battle to fight at the moment, you need to concentrate on getting rid of your abusers for the sake of your child and you.

Lonesome the hugs at the end of everyday are part of the cycle of abuse.

This is abusive behaviour and it is wrong. She is exploiting her position of relative strength as breadwinner to insult and denigrate you.

I would start gathering information and I am glad you have contacted Mankind - do try again. Find out the details of your DW maternity leave so you can show that she will be returning to work and that you will be the primary carer, I agree with a previous poster that waiting until she actually goes back might help demonstrate that you are the SAHP.

Lonesome Dad,

It is not your fault your wife is violent towards you; you did not cause this to happen to you. (She may well have seen domestic violence in her own childhood but that is and there is NO justification or excuse for any sort of violence).

The only acceptable level of violence within a relationship is NONE.

From their website:-

Mankind's number is 01823 334244

If you are a man suffering Domestic Abuse or Violence call this number.

Our confidential helpline is manned from Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm and 7pm - 9pm.

Lonesome Dad, please call them tonight if it is safe for you to do so. If not please call them on Monday.

Lonesome, one of the things pretty much all perps do is to counter-claim that they are a victim of DV.

Usually as a result of their victim beginning to show signs of standing up for themselves or simply saying NO to them.

Please don't let that dissuade you from seeking the support you need. Try them again after 7?

Also please use private browsing and delete helpline websites from your history etc.

The daily hug makes it very clear that this relationship is abusive.

Resolution.org has local lawyers specialising in DA. Even then IME you will have to filler out the ones that don't 'get' that you are a male victim.

There's also the Men's Advice Line run alongside Respect. The helpline number is 0808 801 0327. It will be helpful to talk things over with a man who's seen it before, and can explain what's happening to you.

Good call garlic, I was wondering about RESPECT myself, hadn't realised they had a victim service too!

OP, many of us here have experienced abuse, and knowing that we're not alone really helps. If talking to a man could help you feel less alone, and more able to face this, then please ring for some RL support.

Lonesome, when you read up more you will find that emotionally abusive people can be very intelligent and are adept at covering their tracks. accusing the victim is one of the things they do when they know they have been found out. Women's aid are experts in this and their statistics are trustworthy. Abusers choose partners whose confidence is easily knocked down. Women's Aid's statement is probably designed to reach out to those who doubt themselves.

But this thread is about your circumstances and how you are going to change them. Keep strong.