JCB I seriously hope you are not as relativistic and enabling to your clients. That makes for a shit therapist. Therapy that is not 'containing' is a waste of £££ in my view and giving an addict (in this case the OW) sympathy can very easily be misperceived as approval.
Infidelity is abuse. It is a terrible way of 'solving' problems. It is a misguided coping skill.
Why aren't you in your empathy talking about the wife, and how her life might be right now? Do you honestly think that she does not know that something is terribly wrong? That the children haven't picked up on the atmosphere?
Here are the view of another therapist:
The act of infidelity itself is not emotional abuse ? it?s the behavior that comes with an affair to keep from being found, out or taking responsibility for ones actions. The abusive tactics known as Blameshifting and gaslighting are definitely part of abuse patterns in all types of abuse. Therapists suggest that marriages can become better when these patterns are recognized and corrected. Just because we can correct a behavior, does not make the fact that it happened less abusive. A healthy intimate relationship is one where both partners are open, truthful, vulnerable, empathetic, have an equal balance of power, and are able to talk problems out and come to a compromise. A partner in an affair is displaying behaviors that are the complete opposite of what constitutes a healthy relationship. To preserve their sense of being a good person, they justify their abusive behaviors by shifting the responsibility for their decisions onto their partner and claim the betrayed is to blame. If a betrayed spouse were this powerful (to have any control over pushing a cheater into an affair) it would also be true that they had the power to stop it. We all know that only we control our actions, no one else has the power to make us do anything. Yes, our actions affect other people, but it is the selfish, egocentric cheater that only sees how his/her spouses behavior effects him/her, and not how their behavior affects their spouse. A mark of true maturity in a relationship is to see how our actions may affect others, take their view into consideration and give them the option of taking part in any decision that may affect the outcome of their lives.
For example: If one were in a business relationship where money was on the line, one party would never just assume they had the right to decide for the other business what direction they will take the other business owner. Why? Because it is understood that there is a certain amount of respect, not to mention legal consequences, damage to that businesses reputation, and an understood agreement that the relationship is mutually beneficial. We have all of these understood rules for platonic relationships, yet in the most important relationships in our lives (the intimate ones), we assume that we can operate at a standard below that of platonic relationships. The grass you water grows, that?s why people in an affair think the grass is greener on the other side. Because they are watering the affair grass, while a drought destroys the grass in the primary relationship.
We can all make excuses for our behavior, attributing it to something someone else did to us, but the bottom line is it all comes down to choosing to dull our own pain over that of causing someone else pain. Affairs do not make problems go away, they make problems bigger and hurt other people in the process. Affairs are abusive and inflict a betrayal wound, often resulting in PTSD for a betrayed spouse ? the results of which they will carry for the rest of their lives, having the domino effect onto the lives of their children, passing down the seeds of mistrust and betrayal. Someone who can read all of the facts about betrayal, all the pain it causes and still justify their actions needs to take a serious look at the dysfunction in themselves. Those who are willing to commit such acts knowing the consequences often have an axis II personality disorder.
People thinking of cheating and/or believes cheating is not wrong. This is justification. If you?re married, in a relationship, or in the future will be, let your significant other know that you see nothing wrong with hurting another person for your own gain, so they can make a decision for their own lives, and wether they?d like to take that gamble. Integrity can not be faked or forced, it?s a voice within that we choose to listen to or not.