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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Under huge pressure from MM - please help :(

150 replies

shameshame · 02/09/2013 19:46

Thank you for everyone who has helped on my past threads where I outlined my affair with a MM. Please accept my sincerest apologies to the many DW on here that this thread may cause upset - i am sorry in advance. I honestly have nowhere to turn.

Thanks to the great advice I received on here I managed to go 2 months NC from MM, after a near mental breakdown and moving and jobs and cities far away from family and friends in a bid to restart my life.

MM has recently contacted me saying he can't live without me (and all that jazz). I stupidly met up, he broke down and said he needs me in his life, is willing to give DW full disclosure and start again with me. Seems genuine and I still love MM (STUPID I KNOW).

I'm thrown back into turmoil now - he wants to do it before Wednesday as he is due on a family holiday with his DW and young DC and can't go through the pretence.

I feel so much pressure on my shoulders. I don't want to split up a family (I know I should have thought of that before) but he says the damage is done. Just as I was getting back on track.

Please help if you can find it in yourselves. i know plenty of OW with have said this before but I'm not a bad person and devastated at what i've become.

OP posts:
Fairylea · 02/09/2013 21:01

What fairenuff said.

How on earth did he manage to contact you again? I hope you change your email, block him and block againon facebook and mobile etc. Change all numbers you have. All of them.

He is an arse.

MissStrawberry · 02/09/2013 21:04

Just imagine a woman who is excitedly packing her sexy pants, her husband's boxers and her children's teddies for their holiday on Wednesday. She takes a few minutes break to browse on MN...

JaceyBee · 02/09/2013 21:08

I don't know if it's fair to say that these relationships NEVER work out, seems like a massive generalisation to me. I know couples who have met under similar circumstances who are blissfully happy together years later. And there's no guarantee he would cheat on you, although trust may be an issue.

It's a bit unfair of him to pressure you because of a family holiday, why doesn't he leave anyway if he's unhappy? Let his dw take someone else on holiday with her who actually wants to be there?

If you love him and think you have a future together then who's to say you can't be happy together? No-one on here really knows, that's for sure. As long as he leaves with minimal hurt and disruption to the dcs, doesn't blame his wife, admits to everything and is truthful from the start about his reasons for leaving (bit late for that maybe but still!)

Yes it will be extremely messy and difficult but marriages end every day, it really doesn't have to spell the end of the world and ruin dcs lives. Maybe it'll give his dw a chance to meet someone else who values her more than he does?

My dh left and is now living with the ow, nobody died and we are all very happy and settled in our new lives. I know this post will go down like a lead balloon but it is merely my thoughts and experience.

Original poster
shameshame · 02/09/2013 21:09

Xales - aren't I already a factor in his family's pain (albeit an unknown quantity)?

OP posts:
Original poster
shameshame · 02/09/2013 21:11

Nice to gear from you Jaceybee - hope you're good x x

OP posts:
Original poster
shameshame · 02/09/2013 21:12

Nice to hear from you Jaceybee - hope you're good x x

OP posts:
Liara · 02/09/2013 21:13

Agree with Jaycebee - you don't know that it wouldn't work out.

However, what is certain is that if you are going to give it a go, the best way would be for him to leave his family, live on his own for a while and for you both to restart your relationship once the dust has settled.

I know a number of people whose 20+ year marriages started as affairs.

Hissy · 02/09/2013 21:23

Please look through the DW threads, where they're agonising over why H has left, with no warning..

Cheats NEVER do the decent thing. They line up the OW first. So that THEY are ok and not alone, or heaven forbid they have to look after themselves..

IF he's serious about his marriage ending, you owe it to yourself to know he's sure, and selfishly NOT to allow it to be common knowledge that he was shagging you while playing the role of DH or DaddyDearest.

This man's a cheat. Why would you want one of those in your life?

JaceyBee · 02/09/2013 21:24

And I agree with liara, he should leave and deal with ending the marriage separately to getting together with you. But you know, he probably won't!

And I'm ok thanks yeah. Still the same old shit but dealing with it Smile

Xales · 02/09/2013 21:25

You can walk away now and say no more.

Hissy · 02/09/2013 21:26

I will also say this:

You are under pressure from this bloke because you are allowing it.

Be serious with him that you are OUT and intend to stay that way.

You are NOT star-crossed lovers, you are not love's young dream, you're participating in heartbreak.

You can stop this. You have no excuse not to.

LookingForwardToVino · 02/09/2013 21:27

Another one whos MM 'really does truly, honestly, totally mean what he is saying, honest!' Hmm

Smell the coffee op, do you honestly think the rest of the men following the script aren't convincing?

That they must be really obviously lying?

Do you think all those other women don't also truly 'believe' their mm means what he says to them?

And this mm is different?......

JaceyBee · 02/09/2013 21:34

But, surely you can't pigeonhole all mm like that? They're just people, people do things for all kinds of reasons. No-one on here can really know if he's lying or what his motivations are. The fact is, like many of us have experienced, couples who get together in this way CAN make it work and can be happy together. Obviously many can't either. But we're all merely speculating, OP knows this guy better than we do, no?

Fairenuff · 02/09/2013 21:49

he is adamant he wants out/hates what he's done to me and DW/has thought it through/accepts the reality of the situation

Then why hasn't he done it?

He is a liar.

Keep your fire extinguisher handy.

Bogeyface · 02/09/2013 21:55

If you say no then he wont leave his wife, which means that he doesnt want to leave her unless he has a cast iron back up plan.

If you are a complete fucking idiot and want to spend the rest of your life checking his phone, email and facebook for the next affair for a man who would cheerfully ruin his kids holiday in order to get his leg over Tell him that you are willing to be with him 6 months after he has left his wife and not a day before.

I will pay you a months mortgage money if he leaves.

LookingForwardToVino · 02/09/2013 21:59

Great point from bogey op.

If you so sure of your darlings honesty about wanting desperately out of his marriage then say no, you don't want to be with him.

Then see if he still leaves his wife ( I would pretty much bet my house, the kids, and my kidneys that he will stay with his wife and family )

Bogeyface · 02/09/2013 22:03

I tell you what, if he does leave the OP will never have to work again on the proceeds of what is being bet here that he wont :o

Jan49 · 02/09/2013 22:03

Tell him you want nothing more to do with him and no contact whatsoever. If he's telling you the truth, he'll still end his relationship with his wife. He doesn't need you to agree to anything before he tells her. You've done the right thing in moving on and starting a new life. You don't need him in it.

If he's just looking for another woman to move on to, then he'll wait to see if you're willing to take him back and stay with his wife unless you take him back.

WinningBread · 02/09/2013 22:06

Why can he only leave his wife if you say so?

That's ridiculous.

Diagonally · 02/09/2013 22:10

Listen, you don't owe this man a thing. Not a thing.

You moved away, changed everything about your life, because you did not want to be part of the drama anymore. That must have been really difficult to do, so credit to you for doing it.

You must take control back again now and say you are sorry but if he really wants a future with you, he will man up and sort out the end of his marriage by himself. You only want to hear from him again when he is single and available.

The other option, if you don't want a future with him, is to go back to NC, for ever, and move on.

It's absolutely your choice here. It's your life. Do what's right for you.

Bulletproofmum · 02/09/2013 22:11

I also agree with jaceybee. Itvisbhuge assumption that it will never work out. It will be hard but it may. However he should leave his wife's regardless of the op

Fairenuff · 02/09/2013 22:12

There is another thread currently on mn, where a man promised his mistress the earth. Said he was going to leave his wife for her, planned their future etc.

Then his wife found out about the affair and, in her presence, he broke it off with the OW.

Turns out she didn't mean that much to him after all. He wanted his wife and children, his comfortable life.

Unfortunately for him, it looks like his wife doesn't want him though and she is getting some great advice and support through mn.

As has already been said, stop being a drama llama.

If you want him, have him, you will be doing his wife a favour. If you don't, leave him alone and get on with your life.

Wellwobbly · 02/09/2013 22:13

OP, did your near nervous breakdown involve any counselling at all, as to why your boundaries were so weak, and why you confused infatuation with love?

WHY can't you see that this man is not wonderful, but in fact has no inner resources in that he cannot be alone? He has to go straight from his wife to you??? And he calls that 'love'?

If you can't see the red flags you deserve everything you are going to get. Maybe if you take this POS off his poor wife's hands, maybe after a time of devastation she might find that life is better without him.

Bogeyface · 02/09/2013 22:20

Its obvious that you posted in the (vain) hope that someone, anyone would say "He sounds genuine, give him a chance".

But no one has, and deep down I think you knew that no one would.

Because you know that he is a liar and a cheat and a manipulator and somewhere in your very core, hidden away by lack of self esteem and self belief is your true self saying "This man is bad for me"

Listen to your core, she has the measure of him.

perfectstorm · 02/09/2013 22:20

He wants to do this right before a holiday his wife and kids are probably looking foward to, IF he can be sure he has you in his back pocket, and because HE doesn't want to go through with the holiday if he does?

It's all about him. Your feelings, wants and needs figure about as much as his wife's and kids'. As in, nowhere, under all the wailing and gnashing of teeth. It's all about his feelings. As others have said, if he was serious about realising he couldnt live without you and that his marriage was dead, he'd have turned up and said he told his wife it was over, and he wanted to be with you come what may. Not that IF you jump through this latest hoop, then your reward will be his leaving his wife. you know that, really. Under the temptation, and the addiction that a dramatic and tempestuous relationship ends up supplying, you know that.

He's always going to say what you want to hear. And yeah, there's maybe a 5% chance it could work out and he's The One, but the chances of his returning to his wife if he leaves her, and above all not leaving her at all do seem so much higher. And that's even without the fear you'd have of how you met him. And the reality of an exwife who hates you, serious chunks of money going to fund the divorce settlement so the kids are housed with her plus ongoing CSA, and step-kids who will entirely fairly hate you for being part of the destruction of their childhoods and home, and quite possibly blame you for the whole thing, as that will hurt less than blaming Daddy.

You've done so well, going NC. Even without taking those tiny kids and their mum into account... don't YOU feel you deserve any better than crumbs from his table? Than a relationship whose roots will lie in such thin and toxic soil?