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Original poster

Under huge pressure from MM - please help :(

150 replies

shameshame · 02/09/2013 19:46

Thank you for everyone who has helped on my past threads where I outlined my affair with a MM. Please accept my sincerest apologies to the many DW on here that this thread may cause upset - i am sorry in advance. I honestly have nowhere to turn.

Thanks to the great advice I received on here I managed to go 2 months NC from MM, after a near mental breakdown and moving and jobs and cities far away from family and friends in a bid to restart my life.

MM has recently contacted me saying he can't live without me (and all that jazz). I stupidly met up, he broke down and said he needs me in his life, is willing to give DW full disclosure and start again with me. Seems genuine and I still love MM (STUPID I KNOW).

I'm thrown back into turmoil now - he wants to do it before Wednesday as he is due on a family holiday with his DW and young DC and can't go through the pretence.

I feel so much pressure on my shoulders. I don't want to split up a family (I know I should have thought of that before) but he says the damage is done. Just as I was getting back on track.

Please help if you can find it in yourselves. i know plenty of OW with have said this before but I'm not a bad person and devastated at what i've become.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 02/09/2013 22:26

I have to say that "I want to leave by Wednesday so I dont have to go on holiday with my wife and kids" is what has disgusted me most about him. I agree with perfect, this is all about him.

If he wants to leave his wife then ok, it happens. But to willfully and happily ruin not only this holiday but every single holiday his kids have (and it will) in order to do it is awful. My Godmothers daughter (Godsister?!) had the worst 12th birthday ever. Her dad decided that that was the day he was going to tell them all he had met another woman, his sons bestfriends mother, and was leaving. When my GM went off at him about how could he do it on that day, he DDs birthday, he said he forgot. Tells you everything you need to know about where his mind was. The OW left him for yet another married man and he is now lonely and alone, my GM is happily remarried for over 20 years, her DD celebrates her birthday one month later than its actual date as she cant bear to celebrate such a horrible day.

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat · 02/09/2013 22:28

Do you want to be with a man who would be willing to do this to his own children?

There is your answer to what you should say.

BlackDaisies · 02/09/2013 22:29

Tell him that you are willing to be with him 6 months after he has left his wife and not a day before

Completely agree with this. If he really wants to leave her, he needs to do it regardless of whether you're there for him or not. He then needs space to come to terms with it, and if he's still interested in 6 months - or maybe even 12 months, when he's got somewhere to live and settled, then take it from there. If he REALLY wants to be with you, then he'll do this. Surely you want a man who is capable of making his own decisions and standing on his own two feet, as well as one who treats other women with respect? (And planning to suddenly leave your wife for another woman a couple of days before a family holiday doesn't sound very respectful or thoughtful.)

Diagonally · 02/09/2013 22:37

By the way, 'can't go through the pretence'?

What claptrap - where does he eat, sleep, have his laundry done and take a dump every day?

He's been ok pretending for the last few months / years...what difference is another few days going to make?

But its all about the drama with him, isn't it.

JaceyBee · 02/09/2013 23:37

Are you ok shameshame? Hope you're not feeling too overwhelmed. How have you left things with him? X

Diagonally · 02/09/2013 23:55

Although of course this could be a cover for

"I know your going to give me hell for going on holiday with my DW so I'll just get in there first and tell you how I can hardly bear the thought, its going to be torture"

Why did he book the holiday with her if the thought of it was so awful?

Leavenheath · 02/09/2013 23:56

All the comment about the future of this relationship is perhaps besides the point. As usual on a talk forum populated by just as many OW as betrayed wives, there will always be those with vested interests in suggesting those relationships are likely to succeed or alternatively, crash and burn. Of course there will be 'neutrals' too.

The main issue as I see it is that this man has imposed an utterly false deadline OP. It shows that he is only willing to leave his wife and family if he's got a back-up plan. This tells you so much and therefore you're in the fortunate position of being given rather more information than many OW possess.

What this means is that his stories about his untenable marriage are false. If it had been that bad, he would have left. You overlooked this basic fact when you started an affair with him i.e. why haven't you left before getting into another relationship? but for goodness sake, don't make the same mistake twice.

He has also shown you what he is.

He is someone who is willing to drop a terrible bombshell on the eve of his wife and children's longed-for holiday.

That is cruelty and selfishness personified.

Don't collude in that. Ask yourself honestly, why would you want a man like that?

curlew · 02/09/2013 23:58

Tell him to make a life for himself away from his wife for at least 6 months. Then reassess the situation.

skyeskyeskye · 03/09/2013 00:35

You are responsible for your own actions and should not have met up with him.

Tell him to leave his wife as she deserves better. Tell him that you will not have a relationship for six months, as others have suggested, while he sorts himself out.

Then, if you end up together, be prepared for him to do the same to you one day.

EldritchCleavage · 03/09/2013 14:40

He won't leave. If you cave in and you are available once again, he will realise he can't do it to his kids and will go on the holiday anyway. You'll be right back in the place you were before: the secret OW he is not going to leave his family to be with. Sorry. Please protect yourself from this selfish person.

Takingbackmonday · 03/09/2013 14:56

You only live once OP.

The damage is done re his wife and kids. Give it a shot but do it with your eyes open.

Bogeyface · 04/09/2013 00:15

The damage is done re his wife and kids.

Yeah fuck 'em. After all, the OP will never have to deal with his kids will she...oh wait.....
But still, his wife, she is no bother because after all I am sure she will be thrilled to hand her kids over the woman who has been fucking her husband.......ah, ermm....

But you know, he is probably telling the truth this time, I mean it isnt like he is a proven cheat and liar......hmm....yeah....

FFS.

LookingForwardToVino · 04/09/2013 08:27
Grin

Do you think the op could just ride off into the sunset with no wife and kids in sight?

Not that this bloke would ever leave without being caught by his wife...but lets say hell froze over and he did.

The wife and kids will still be in his life, and the op's for as long as she is with the tosspot.

I should imagine it could become quite difficult. A combination of Disney dad parenting and a hated step mum.

I wouldn't like to be in the op's shoes when she finally realises his children ARE more important than her.

Wink
Takingbackmonday · 04/09/2013 09:49

I didn't mean it as flippantly as it came across, sorry.

I meant they have already pissed all over his wife, she deserves better and to be left alone from this cheating swine, and as the op is so sure she might as well see it out, see if anything positive can come from this mess

lottieandmia · 04/09/2013 09:53

The main problem with this situation is how are you ever really going to be able to trust him? Even if he leaves his wife and gets together with you - it's quite likely he'll to the same thing to you isn't it? The best indicator of a person's future behaviour is their past behaviour...

MmeDefarge · 04/09/2013 11:10

You moved to get away from this man and yet you didn't just ignore his text message? I think you should grow a backbone.

Or, carry on enjoying the drama of break ups and reunions that characterise many extra-marital affairs. Who knows, maybe everything he is saying IS true. But it sounds to me as if you do not have enough confidence in him to gamble your life on that being the case.

I know you said that you had read a lot already but I have just found this rather good article on affairs from 1999. Apparently people were cheating on their partners as far back as that. Wink

Washington Post

Wellwobbly · 04/09/2013 11:33

Eldritchcleaver, Bogey, arf!!

I am afraid this just confirms my view that OWs are deeply fucking stupid how addictive affairs are.

Charbon wrote an incredibly kind but incisive post to another OP with different twunt husband problems:

'look at what it is really telling you. Look at what defenses you have constructed in order NOT to see what you don't want to see, because [you will be in bits before you construct other defenses].

I was Shock at her perception. (She was telling the OP: look for the porn. You have had this problem for a long time. This is not isolated. Look at how he has been overriding your wishes and boundaries for a long time. You have been telling yourself stuff to make it normal. WOW.

The reality of affairs is selfish, shallow infatuation. Narcissistic ego supply of ooh you are wonderful, no YOU are, I can't live without you. Lets pray OW rides off into the sunset with this prince fairly soon, and save us the drama of it all. Maybe in 5 years time she can post with gritted teeth about how delirious their love is then.

No wait - it doesn't usually last that long!

'My' affair, to link back to Charbon, was the most devastating thing of my life. Because why? Because I was forced to see how quite staggeringly selfish the person I loved was, how immature, how unable to connect, what a diminished inner world he has, poor sod. And ultimately where a lot of my anxiety and depression was coming from. That 'the affair' was part of a pattern. That someone can equate a shallow boundaryless POS who helps him destroy his family, with overwhelming love, is ultimately not someone I want to invest with. And where is this princess now? Nowhere in sight! But, so many twats, so little time... funny, he doesn't WANT to go in that direction he is being pushed in!!! ROFL.

EldritchCleavage · 04/09/2013 11:38

Yep, very true. I suspect affairs can in many instances be easier than primary relationships, if the lovers hide in a fantasy rather than create real intimacy where they are honest and truly accountable to each other.

SarahBumBarer · 04/09/2013 11:49

Tell him that you are willing to be with him 6 months after he has left his wife and not a day before

Another one who agrees with this.

Look it is nonsense to say once a cheater always a cheater or that these relationships never work out and I also say this as a woman whose ExH is still very happy with his OW (long since married and with a child etc etc). Hearing comments like that actually upset me as they make me feel like I'm the only woman in the world who was such an awful wife that their husband did go on to be happy with the OW so fuck off with those kind off bullshit comments that are not based on any kind of facts/statistics.

However for your sanity he HAS to make two completely separate decisions:

  1. Does he want to be with his wife?
  2. Does he want to be with you?

You owe yourself and your relationship the chance to be something better than just a tree branch that this monkey is grabbing on to in order to leave the last branch behind.

His wife deserves SOOOOOO much more than this but at the very least she deserves time to deal with the end of the relationship, ask all the questions that she has and get some truthful answers from him and work out how they parent their children togehter without dealing with OW issues.

He deserves (very littly frankly but this) the time to assess whether he really does not want to be with his wife and children one he is dealing with the reality of not being with her and his children any more. He needs the chance to do this without the pressures of your needs and insecurities while he is finding our how he truly feels not just reacting to his infatuation.

[SLAP] you really deserve that. Did you really believe that 2 months would be enough? No matter how long and hard they have felt they are not even one tenth of being close to enough.

If you tell him to leave her now and come and be with you you are setting yourself up for MONTHS of heartache while the dust settles.

JaceyBee · 04/09/2013 12:07

Wobbly, I know you've had a shit time with your douchebag dh but there's no need to call all OW's 'deeply fucking stupid' because they aren't, just as all cheaters aren't narcisstists and all wronged wives aren't innocent.

Just because this is the case in your situation doesn't mean you can make these bullshit, sweeping generalisations about other people's.

Hissy · 04/09/2013 12:32

Erm.. point of order.

Cheats aren't always Narcs, Narcs don't always cheat.

Wronged women may not always be 'innocent' as you say.

HOWEVER..

If you're shagging another woman's H.. that is pretty deeply fucking stupid.

It's a choice you either make, or you don't.

Xales · 04/09/2013 12:37

So it's Wednesday.

Did he do it?

Hissy · 04/09/2013 12:40

SarahBumbarer, that woman will always wonder if she can trust him.

There's no amount of money that can assuage that kind of fear.

YOU don't ever have to live like that again, if you don't want to.

Viviennemary · 04/09/2013 12:45

Just distance yourself and let him make a decision and act upon it. And then when he does then you can make your decisions accordingly. Until he actually leaves his wife you don't have a decision to make. Except carry on being a mistress and you obviously don't want to do that.

towicymru · 04/09/2013 12:46

I find it odd that after 2 months he has made the decision he can't live without OP. My guess is that either his wife has found out about OP and given him till Wednesday to move out (there is no holiday) or (and this is possibly clsoer to the truth in my opinion) his wife has found out about another affair that he has been having and the OW has told him she's not interested. Where to go? Back to OP of course - worth a try?!

If he REALLY wanted to be with you, he woudln't have left it 2 months and would have come to you as a single man ready to jump through hoops to prove himself worthy.

He hasn't. Says it all.