Mil (age 67) and fil (72) say they now find it "too tiring" to have our dc to stay for 3 days in the summer holidays

[Mintyy]

I'm a bit surprised. When I'm 67 I would hope to have the energy to hang out with a 10 year old and a 12 year old who require no more care than having their meals cooked and to be reminded to have a shower/go to bed (10 year old only).

Or is that unrealistic of me?

Mil is less than 17 years older than me to put it in context .

They forfeit the right to complain about the lack of a relationship if they are not wanting to do anything about it.

Relationships take time to develop. If you live 100 miles away (as in the case of mintyy's in-laws), they can't be built up be just popping around every so often.

I agree with Chunky Ficken's comments ^

My inlaws do love our dc, but I'm sure that if they were to be really honest they would admt that their preferred option for spending time with their dgc is here, in our home, where it's easier for the dc to mooch about with their own stuff and in their own routines and, perhaps most pertinently, with dh or I around to be ultimately responsible.

I think that the feeling of responsibility in itself can be exhausting for grandparents.

"Wanting to do anything about it" and "having the GCs for 3 days" not exactly comparable, though.

My 15 ds has gone to my parents for a sleepover tonight - they're 73 & 83 and enjoy every minute with him and vice verse... My 83 year old dad cooks fabulous food for him, my mum watches grisly dvds with him and gives him hand/foot massages! They were the same with ds now 26 and dd nearly 20 - but i guess i've been very very lucky - in their 50's/60's they nappy changed/babysat /holidayed with my 3 in one's or two's and have always been doting/enthusiastic gp's - i know its NOT the same for everyone

Good point, NWB. Are the PILs able to travel, OP? There's another possibility although probably also nothing to do with this thread.

I'll just pointlessly add that I'm a child free 39 yr old and I am dead on my feet if I have (forced at gun pint of course) to mind my DBs 13, 11 & 9 year olds. Kids are utterly exhausting. If one is quiet the other two are talking to me. Round and round all fucking day, bless them.

How sad that she feels it is too tiring to have her own GC to stay for a few days, aged 67!!! It is not normal to feel that would be too tiring at that age. Even my DM would have managed that at 67!

My MIL is 72 (FIL 68) and they love having our two to stay (and believe me, DS is not easy!) Infact, MIL "house-keeps" part-time for a family with 4 boys aged 6-15.

And so sad that they don't want to put themselves out to see their own GC.

CharlotteCollins
Are you listening? May I say something directly to you?

All this talk of how "worrying" and "sad" and "not normal" it is for a 67yo to be tired in this situation comes across as passive-aggressive, tbh.

Be creative and find another way to encourage them to have a relationship with your dcs! Stop with the hand-wringing!

Hello?

If I say something will you please take it at face value and not read anything in to it?

Um. Er. Will try.

Actually meant to say also that, yes, I'd hope to be doing LOTS with/for grandkids one day... However, I have step grandkids and dh/i had them for around 6 hours for the first time last month, they're 1&3 and we're 50/58 - we were exhaaaaausted!! After dropping them off at teatime we immediatley had to lie down for an hour to recover! I'd truly forgotten how tiring smaller kids can be and appreciated even more how lucky I was with my parents! Your kids are older tho and I don't think you're asking for/expecting too much at all

Mintyy
In answer to your ACTUAL thread:
Health permitting/MH wellbeing, at 67 I would unequivocally have my grandchildren stay for 3 nights (more if they wanted to). I would not see this as child care (semantics aside), but a good normal family relationship. I would actually feel honoured that they wanted to.

NannyOgg
Why don't you ever have your grandchildren over for a sleepover?
Do you ever see it through their eyes?

Would they not really enjoy it and cherish the memory (depending on age, sleepovers are very important)?

Would you not do it for just one night so they have that special memory?

Hi Mintyy

I think it might be more about life outlook/attitude/energy levels than about age! MIL is 70, has the DDs to stay, organises fun outings and activities, bakes cookies, hosts tea parties, reads books, takes them swimming, shopping, visiting, writes them emails when they return home, while still keeping up with being Ladies 18 president at the golf club, on a couple of boards, volunteering, socialising, running the world...

I should point out that most of this happens while I am actually on the premises as it's in Canada so a bit far for the DDs to travel on their own. I basically get off the plane, hand over my children, and sit by the lake with a magazine for the duration

OTOH DM is 67 and is so involved in being the full-time carer for my DF who has terminal cancer that she is exhausted by the thought of any thing else being added to her plate, even if that thing is spending time with her grandkids, whom she loves dearly.

Also, saying that they are 'too tired' to continue to have them to stay could be code for worrying that the gdc are bored with them, not knowing how to entertain them any more (you may feel that they don't need entertaining but ime gps do tend to feel that they have to keep dgc busy) or just that the responsibility sits too heavily these days. Doesn't mean that they love your dc any less, it's maybe just no longer a pleasurable way to spend time with them, or that they fear that it's no longer fun for your dc.

My parents have never looked after my children. Mainly I think as they were 67/68 when the first was born, and my mother certainly can't cope with the responsibility. She is a massive flapper. They also live 60 miles away.

The PILs however are another matter. MIL was 61 FIL 72 when the first was born and they are always up for a bit of childcare. The most we've ever asked is an overnight at our place, no ore than once a year. FIL generally falls asleep when he's reading DD a bedtime story. But they are generally way more at ease around children than my parents are. So it's no biggie for them.

Right. I think I've already said all of this on this thread but just to repeat myself

1. We have never asked mil and fil to look after the dgc. It just isn't possible because they live so far away.

1. The dgc have a relationship with them because we take them to stay at their house for the weekend, or they come to us for the weekend, every couple of months or so.

1. For the past 8 years mil and fil have asked us if they can have the dgc to stay at their house for 3 or 4 days in the summer holidays.

1. I actually said no when dd was only 4 and ds 2, as they would have been unsettled to be away from us. So let's say they have been going for the past 5 or 6 years.

1. This year mil said it was "too tiring". My thread was about whether it really is too tiring for a 67 year old to have a 10 y/o and a 12 y/o in their care for 3 days.

1. It has got nothing to do with childcare or unreasonable expectations of grandparents. I don't expect them to do anything!

1. I do fervently hope that I won't be so old and frail at 67 that I couldn't cook a bit of extra food and go on a couple of outings in a 3 day period.

I wonder if that is clear or perhaps I should give up now?

I just hope I even have grandkids when I'm 67. It's the whole reason I had kids tbh.

Why will a sleepover automatically be a 'special memory'??? Surely not if the gps aren't keen!

I don't really understand why so many people seem to feel that overnights with gps are really important?

Mintyy.

Crystal.

Clear.

Sorry, questions not just for OP....

increasingly the actual issue is always ignored