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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

So, is new man odd?

65 replies

HockeyNag · 29/08/2013 18:56

Regular here, who has nc as I feel a bit of an idiot and possibly a bit of a cow!

I have a new relationship that's been going well for approx 6 weeks. I've been single for 3 years; he hasn't had a gf for 14 years! I can't see any obvious reason why not, except perhaps he has been overweight in the past and is now losing weight and feeling more confident. He is very intelligent and ridiculously thoughtful.

So, what's the problem? I feel he's a bit clingy, although he is very respectful of my need for space. I have a lot more going on in my life than he does. I have two teenage dc. He is divorced, with no dc and very few friends locally - although he does have several very close friends in other cities. He is also very well loved by said friends.

He has parents who live abroad and already, he has told them all about me and how happy he is. They have asked to e mail me and give their congratulations. His mum has also arranged for wine and chocolates to be sent. They are delighted for him and it makes me feel odd somehow. I have given very brief details to my own mother so far but that's normal for my family.

The reason it all feels so odd is because his family and friends are so overjoyed and it's such early days. I do like him, he does have lots to recommend him but still I feel a bit freaked out. I did try to explain (he's a good listener) but still the celebrations continue and I am beginning to feel myself backing off. Imagine I decided not to continue with this relationship? Am I right in thinking the way I do?

OP posts:

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Xenadog · 29/08/2013 21:59

If you enjoy spending time with him and he does respect your boundaries when you tell him I would say give it a bit more time. His family sound a bit OTT but as they are abroad at least you aren't having to deal with them on a regular basis which is a good thing.

If, however, your instinct says he is a nutter and will smother you then leave well alone. Go with your gut instinct and you won't be wrong.

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FloraSpreadableMacDonald · 29/08/2013 22:56

I can understand the 14 year thing. If he had a weight issue as you mentioned, he may not have felt confident. I know i was embarrassed about sex when i was overweight. He sounds kind and caring and keen on you which is a bonus. It's early days and yes, to appear so keen is a bit off putting but I think he's worth it. Perhaps see how it goes over the next few weeks. When I met my DP, he was very keen and I was on the rebound. However it worked out and we have 2 lovely kids (sadly we just separated but that's another story). Don't dismiss him too soon. Good luck.

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HockeyNag · 29/08/2013 22:57

I can only imagine, he hasn't had the confidence to put himself out there to meet someone. I do find it hard to actually believe he hasn't had ANY relationships, of any kind, in all that time. We have had conversations about it. One thing I am certain of, is he isn't cold or devoid of personality.

I have sen photos of his ex wife (who he was with for 15 years) and she is very pretty and also a lovely person. Who really knows why people stay single? Perhaps he did hold a candle for her for quite some time but not now.

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HockeyNag · 29/08/2013 23:07

Yes but Velvet I have just checked your profile pic (hope you're not offended) and by anyone's standards, you're a very attractive person and wouldn't struggle to find dates. That's where nm struggles - he isn't particularly handsome but has a great personality which many would overlook - I didn't.

I am more concerned about the family thing, than whether he has been intimate with anyone in over a decade. That frankly, doesn't bother me.

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ThisIsMummyPig · 29/08/2013 23:25

When I met my DH he introduced me to his parents in a couple of weeks - it was over a year before he met mine!

That was more about practicalities as they were in the area, but live several hours away.

They were ecstatic -they had given up hope.

My lovely DB is in his 40s and I have never met a GF of his, and I am fairly sure he has been single for a few years. I would be absolutely overjoyed if he found someone worth telling me about. Not sure I would send chocolates though.

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FloraSpreadableMacDonald · 29/08/2013 23:27

Mummy pig, is your DB attractive and rich?

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Redorwhitejusthaveboth · 29/08/2013 23:37

Have you actually met any of his friends? Or his ex wife? Would be interesting bit of the puzzle to know how genuine his relationships with them are ....

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PurpleGirly · 29/08/2013 23:45

My ex (not a bitter breakup just one ofmthosemthingsnafter five years) has DPs who lived abroad. After about six weeks I spoke to them on the phone as he had raved about me. I just think that a relationship is different when someone lives abroad.

See how it goes OP.

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PurpleGirly · 29/08/2013 23:45

Of those things - not sure where the ms came from!

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liquidstate · 30/08/2013 09:26

When I met my husband he still lived with his parents (he had never moved out) and hadn't had a proper serious girlfriend just two brief relationships (weeks not months) whereas I was a few years older and had been around the block a bit, lived in various towns and gone to uni.

His family are all very close and this OTT stuff basically happened with me, except for the chocolates which I assume is because they live abroad. His sisters sent him congratulations cards

They are less full on now thank god! DH is very caring and devoted to me although it took a bit of reassurance to get him to slow down and respect my boundaries a bit more.

What I am trying to say is don't let it put you off. If it annoys you then say something. The initial excitement from him family will wear off.

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superstarheartbreaker · 30/08/2013 10:16

aw bless! bit wierd but sweet.

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peanutbuttersarnies · 30/08/2013 10:23

This could have been written by the new gf of a friend of mine. He is 34 and i dont think he has ever had gf. But i think its just due to lack of confidence in this area. He is lovely and we are all so pleased! I have met the gf and we didnt act super pleased in front of her. But we did to each other after. I dont know how jis family have reacted. I know this man you talk about isnt him cos his parents dont live abroad. But there really are men out there who are lovely but a bit useless in love life. I woildnt dismiss him.

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bigTillyMint · 30/08/2013 10:30

Apart from the obviously very close relationship with family, do you find him or anything he does weird?

He sounds like a genuinely nice bloke - agree with peanutbuttersarnies post. If it is just the over-enthusiastic family, give him a bit more time to see how it pans out.

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perfectstorm · 30/08/2013 11:25

I know a couple married for 23 years, 2 kids, and he'd had 1 gf in his life before and lived with his parents at 40 when they met. He owned the house, and when he got engaged he bought them their own house so he and his new wife could live in his own (business was attached to it - he needed the help his parents gave as well as helping them out, but they'd never owned their own so it did help them, massively). His parents were slightly peed off more than anything as it meant changes, and they pouted a little about the engagement, but his wife said to me back when they were dating that there were actually advantages to a bloke who'd been single most of his life - he'd not been screwed up by other relationships! He'd been born with nothing and had built a very successful business from the ground up, and just hadn't prioritised romance at a time when every scrap of energy went into his work. Nor, to be honest, was he a looker. But he's a highly intelligent, kind, loving man and a great husband and father. They're really happy and have a lovely life and family.

I'm actually glad I know them, and that I knew them in my teens, because I learned that not being the conventional dater doesn't necessarily make someone weird. They're a very conventional couple in their early 50s now. Their kids are hugely popular socially and very well adjusted, bright etc as well. You'd never dream he had the dating history he did unless told.

Life isn't always in neat boxes.

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MumblingMummy · 30/08/2013 11:42

how old is he and how old are you OP if you don't mind me asking? Could it be that he's very traditional? He sounds very much like a man I dated for five months when I was 38 (he was forty one). He'd had one, one year relationship and several short relationships. he was very much a mummy's boy and he, together with his older brother lived with his mother in the family home (they had 'land'.) I decided to end it for various reasons (lovely man but we were very different - I felt that I was constantly having to explain things to him). He went ballistic - absolutely bonkers. Had a nervous breakdown and couldn't work in family business for six months. Said I was the love of his life - all news to me! Very similar reaction from his family to those of your dp. Overjoyed, hugging me, telling me that they were so relieved that he'd finally found someone. Not a 'normal' reaction. Has he said why he hasn't had any relationships?