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Original poster

So, is new man odd?

65 replies

HockeyNag · 29/08/2013 18:56

Regular here, who has nc as I feel a bit of an idiot and possibly a bit of a cow!

I have a new relationship that's been going well for approx 6 weeks. I've been single for 3 years; he hasn't had a gf for 14 years! I can't see any obvious reason why not, except perhaps he has been overweight in the past and is now losing weight and feeling more confident. He is very intelligent and ridiculously thoughtful.

So, what's the problem? I feel he's a bit clingy, although he is very respectful of my need for space. I have a lot more going on in my life than he does. I have two teenage dc. He is divorced, with no dc and very few friends locally - although he does have several very close friends in other cities. He is also very well loved by said friends.

He has parents who live abroad and already, he has told them all about me and how happy he is. They have asked to e mail me and give their congratulations. His mum has also arranged for wine and chocolates to be sent. They are delighted for him and it makes me feel odd somehow. I have given very brief details to my own mother so far but that's normal for my family.

The reason it all feels so odd is because his family and friends are so overjoyed and it's such early days. I do like him, he does have lots to recommend him but still I feel a bit freaked out. I did try to explain (he's a good listener) but still the celebrations continue and I am beginning to feel myself backing off. Imagine I decided not to continue with this relationship? Am I right in thinking the way I do?

OP posts:
FloraSpreadableMacDonald · 29/08/2013 19:24

knitting

pigsDOfly · 29/08/2013 19:25

Is it possible that he's told them that the relationship is further along than it is Hockey. They clearly would be delighted if he were to get married and given the fact that they're out of the country, could he have told them you're engaged or about to be.

Very odd behaviour on the part of his parent.

Original poster
HockeyNag · 29/08/2013 19:28

He is 47 and I met him online. I wasn't attracted by his photo but more by his humour and intelligence. He has very witty banter and intellectually, we get along brilliantly.

Knitting him a gf - hilarious!

OP posts:
Original poster
HockeyNag · 29/08/2013 19:31

pigs I really believe he's an honest person. I think he announced to his parents after our first date - that, it seems is perfectly normal for him. He tells them all sorts!

OP posts:
LoisEinhorn · 29/08/2013 19:34

Aww sounds like they are just happy that he's met someone who he obviously likes. They can't meet you in person so are sending you a gift. I think its lovely

WhiteandGreen · 29/08/2013 19:37

It would creep me out, but more to make me wary than LTB.

GilmoursPillow · 29/08/2013 19:39

I got together with someone who hadn't had a relationship for years and his family were quite "enthusiastic" (all overseas), although probably not in such early stages. They were just so happy he'd found someone after many lonely years.

He did say early on in the relationship that he was worried I would find him too clingy.

We've been married 10 years, had a child and clingy is the last thing I would call him now Hmm
Grin

i would give it more time if you like him and see how it pans out.

Lweji · 29/08/2013 19:43

I'd go with caution, tbh.

It is possible that his boundaries with his parents may be too low and it might impact in your relationship.

Have you asked what happened with his marriage?

Original poster
HockeyNag · 29/08/2013 19:45

(Gillmour* that's encouraging. I have read back over this thread and realise, I have many positive things to say about him. This is why I love MN so much - puts things into perspective.

OP posts:
Original poster
HockeyNag · 29/08/2013 19:50

Apparently, he didn't want children and believed his wife didn't either. Turns out she did and has gone on to have one with someone else. They (rather bizarrely) are exceptionally close still and he visits her home and she comes to his sometimes too. I really don't have a problem with that though.

He now says he wishes he had thought more about having a child and feels like he has missed the boat. I have suggested it isn't too late (not with me obviously) but he insists he wouldn't consider it now.

OP posts:
MadeMan · 29/08/2013 19:57

"...but still the celebrations continue and I am beginning to feel myself backing off."

Run, quickly, before the conga line "choo choo choos" it's way through your house, taking you with it!

Vivacia · 29/08/2013 20:07

I think it sounds as though he's a lovely man with people who really love him and are glad for him. You know what it's like when your lovely friend just doesn't seem to hit it off in a romantic way and nobody can understand why and then suddenly they meet someone they really like?

Just keep talking to him and taking things at your own pace which sounds exactly what you're doing.

colafrosties · 29/08/2013 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hassled · 29/08/2013 20:27

Ignore the mad parents and the emails etc.

You like him lots - everything you've said about him indicates that. You are full of praise for him - and he sounds like a top bloke. Don't waste the chance here - at least give it time.

Original poster
HockeyNag · 29/08/2013 20:42

You are probably right Hassled I need to calm down and stop looking too far ahead. He really is a decent bloke and the friendships he has, confirm this. Perhaps I'm just so out of the loop with relationships, I don't know what a good one looks like?

OP posts:
DrHolmes · 29/08/2013 20:53

I think he sounds nice and his family too. Yes, maybe because he is older and been on his own for so long they are just excited for him but really, where's the harm in that?

Seems to me a lot of people chase bad boys and when the boys are actually "bad" they run and cry and it's not so thrilling any more.

Looks aren't everything, having a good personailty far outweighs looks which fade anyway.

Just go for a nice man and be done with it!

VelvetSpoon · 29/08/2013 20:55

I find it a little odd tbh - the being single and not even dated for 14 years seems strange to me. I can (just about) understand being single for a long period, or not to have had a serious relationship, but to not even have dated?! Presumably he's not had sex in 14 years then? That would be too weird for me, irrespective of the parent issues.

Original poster
HockeyNag · 29/08/2013 21:06

Well no, he hasn't had sex for all that time but there's really nothing odd about that part of our relationship. It's very normal and everything is still in good working order. Why would that bother you particularly Velvet?

OP posts:
Hissy · 29/08/2013 21:08

Look love, you don't know him at all. He might be genuine, but you have NO way of knowing at all atm.

It is odd all of this, I would be VERY wary of him. VERY!

Go easy eh? You've a lot to lose, and he doesn't.

VelvetSpoon · 29/08/2013 21:32

I suppose sex, although not just sex, physical contact - kissing, cuddling etc, is something that is very important to me; I couldn't be in a relationship with someone it wasn't equally important to.

I know a few men who have been single for several years, but none who have gone without sex for more than a few months, a year at most. To deprive yourself of any physical contact with another person for 14 years would make me think either they were a very unemotional cold person, or had some other issues. Or was not being entirely honest. Any of which wouldn't sit well with me.

elastamum · 29/08/2013 21:46

A very good friend of mine married a lovely man who had been single for years and years. All his friends were gobsmacked, no one ever thought he would marry. He proposed to her 3 weeks after they started dating. Shock She said no, ask me in 6 months, he did, they are very happy 10 years later.

Having long standing friends who are nice people and say good things about him is a good sign, but no need to rush. Trust your instincts and get to know him properly.

Walkacrossthesand · 29/08/2013 21:48

I can totally see how, in your late 40s, you find yourself in a situation where it's 14 years since your last 'encounter' - meeting people you'd like to date is hard, online 'dating' is often a derelict waste ground in terms of actually getting dates (as you and I both know, velvetspoon) and giving up looking can seem the best strategy - and the years slip by. Im currently celibate but not by choice - and a sexual relationship is a delight. Take one day at a time and keep your spidey senses alert, OP - and good luck!

piratecat · 29/08/2013 21:55

i haven't had the chance to meet for a relationship anyone for 8 years, i am attractive and a nice person. I last had sex 6 yrs ago.

Maybe he hasn't met any one nighters, or hasn't had the confidence to try that.

I'm not cold.

Lovingfreedom · 29/08/2013 21:56

He sounds like a nightmare. You feel guilty already and you've only been seeing him a short time. I would give him a body swerve if I were you. There's a reason why other women do and why you feel creeped out by him.

VelvetSpoon · 29/08/2013 21:58

Irrespective of how hard finding a date is, opting out of any form of physical intimacy for over a decade isn't something I could ever contemplate, either in myself or in a potential partner.

But of course that's simply my viewpoint.