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Original poster

new boyfriend constantly telling sexist jokes.. should I end it or am I over sensitive??!!

183 replies

misssounsure · 26/08/2013 17:52

I've been seeing a lovely man for a few months and he is great in every way except one... he makes some sexist jokes. They are just jokes and initially I laughed as I didn't want to come across as having no sense of humour or being over sensitive! His father is also like it... cracking sexist jokes all the time and jokingly saying his wife cant do x, y, z etc because she is a woman... its constant joking sexism with his family.

The other day my boyfriend started telling me how he and a colleague told a female colleague they could tell she was on her period. He was laughing hysterically as he told me this and told me she got very embarrassed. I've been thinking this over and over and I dont think its acceptable. Q. is would this be enough to end the relationship for you? He is amazing in all other ways but for these stupid jokes and comments

His friends are also like it too!! Last month we went on a weekend away with his friend and his friend's wife. His friend CONSTANTLY leered at the air hostesses saying "phhwwoooor look at that" (this was a 3pm flight with families, kids about... not a night club environment!

My boyfriend is 33 years old by the way. Would you get rid now???? He is great in all other ways!!

OP posts:
ZorbaTheHoarder · 27/08/2013 22:05

Just imagine going on to have children with this guy. How do you think his daughters would feel hearing him spout this crap on a daily basis? Is that what you would want for them? What is stopping you from challenging him about it now and seeing whether he is likely to change?

Original poster
misssounsure · 27/08/2013 22:33

Yep Zorba you are very right re.challenging. IF I do decide to give him a chance I'd certainly speak to him seriously about it and expect him to no longer act this way but I'm not sure I should even do that as even IF he did change and never breathe a sexist word again (in front of me!) I'll always be thinking "what is he saying when he's not with me and around his friends/family"... surely he's not going to tell all his friends and family that they need to stop their comments/behaviour!

OP posts:
Original poster
misssounsure · 27/08/2013 22:36

I just wanted to check I wasn't being over sensitive on the topic simply because sexist jokes/comments are part of our society and in SMALL doses most people just laugh and find it funny. It's not until I've met his friends and family I realised the full extent of it all!!! (when I first met him he was very respectable and perhaps only said the very odd joke)... its just as times gone on .. thank you all for your advice xxx

OP posts:
hollyisalovelyname · 27/08/2013 22:46

Has he sisters?
Just wondering.
If so, how are they treated by him?

ALittleStranger · 27/08/2013 22:47

Do you know what? Your partner sounds like a bit of a prat, but I think you might be jumping the gun a bit here. Given that you said he's amazing in every other respect, I'm surprised that you're not at least being advised to work on things. The behaviour is wrong, but he needs to be told it's wrong, and given the opportunity to change.

Is he a partner though, is this an established relationship where the investment justifies "working on it"? You might well be right, but equally the OP has been in a relationship a few months. This is still getting to know you territory where you almost actively look for reasons to leave, and the OP appears not to like what she's discovering. Unless the other stuff is wonderful she risks wasting a lot of her time and spending a lot of evenings trying to apologise to waitresses etc while her boyfriend is in the bog.

expatinscotland · 27/08/2013 22:52

Yuck. What a creep.

Original poster
misssounsure · 27/08/2013 23:08

He doesnt have sisters but has 2 brothers. He, his das and his brother's all roll their eyes when his mum speaks etc. Shes institutionalised in that she laughs when they laugh at her ... She even puts herself down saying things like "I went into jessops on Friday to buy a camera and I told the man serving me "now, I need a camera a woman can operate". They love her dearly and treat her v.well in terms of taking her for lunch, buying her things etc. It's all just comments" and "Jokes" but its tiring

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 27/08/2013 23:10

It isn't joking. This is his world view.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 27/08/2013 23:15

That's how he'll expect you to behave if you married him, op. Count on it.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 27/08/2013 23:37

Are you a woman?

Unless you are a man, I can't conceive of any reason why you would consider dating a sexist man.

Even if you were a man, I would question your taste in wanting to spend time with a leering, sexist bully.

But you are a woman and you know that he believes women are inferior to men.

And yet you are considering seeing more of him?

Why?

How amazing can a sexist man be?

What can possibly be so brilliant that it makes up for someone basically thinking that you (and all people who share your gender) are lesser beings than him and his offensive, socially embarrassing friends and family?

Original poster
misssounsure · 27/08/2013 23:46

Thanks joinyourplay.... And everyone else... Need to stop doubting myself....you're totally right!!!!! X

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 27/08/2013 23:54

It's weird, isn't it, how women are basically taught to overlook this kind of objectionable behaviour?

We're meant to laugh and go along with it and not make a big deal out of it.

e.g.

"he needs to be told it's wrong, and given the opportunity to change."

Like as a woman it's your responsibility to teach a man not to be a sexists boor :o

Why on earth should you waste your precious time on a man like this?

If he can't figure out that bullying women at work, leering at waitresses, belittling his mother and making sexist jokes is not a nice way to behave on his own, that's not your problem.

hollyisalovelyname · 28/08/2013 08:37

If he had sisters the family would not have got away with sexist remarks, and 'jokes'. His mother is a certain kind of woman of her generation.
Sadly I don't think he would change, it's ingrained in his pysche.

Lovingfreedom · 28/08/2013 08:47

It's early days....only a matter of time before you transition from being his new sexy bird to becoming her indoors giving him earache!

Contrarian78 · 28/08/2013 10:12

I'll say it again, he sounds a bit of a prat. He's definitely crass. I'm not convinced that he's properly sexist though. It was quite telling that you said he seems to have toned things down in front of you - which suggests that he might at least 'get it'

I've got friends that are like your partners friends. I probably do behave a little differently when I'm around them though a broad would have to be absolutely stunning before she illicited any response (note the intentional sexism there) Smile My wife probably wouldn't approve of everything that gets said (I should point out that we're not animals) but she knows that I know how to behave in polite company - that's enough for her. She als oknows that I'm definitely not sexist, despite the fact that I have, in the past, laughed at and repeated sexist jokes.

None of us are perfect. I just wouldn't extrapolate (in the way some have - though I can see their logic) that he's an absolute sexist mysoginist arsehole becasue he's made a few crass comments.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 28/08/2013 10:21

Contrarian - the mistake you are making is in imagining that you are not sexist.

Making sexist jokes, being sexist in sexist company - that IS being sexist.

Just like people who make racist jokes, laugh at racist jokes, repeat racist jokes are racist.

Even if they know that they should tone it down when people of colour are present.

They might not be the very worst of white supremacists, but they are very definitely and damagingly racist.

Women don't actually have to put up with that kind of offensive shite from anyone. The ones that genuinely feel they have a choice in the matter will not.

Contrarian78 · 28/08/2013 12:12

I'm not. I'm not prejudice and I don't discriminate.

I'm not sayng what this chap has done is utterly acceptable. It's disrespectful I guess, but hardly crime of the century.

There's a line to be drawn between 'harmless banter' I actually hate that term as it's often mis-used and sexism. There's an inclination here to take ourselves to seriously and over-analyse. I'm not trying to get this chap off the hook, but I would ask for some perspective. Some peeople on these forums are quick to jump on these character flaws and label them. Quite often, be it bullying, sexism, etc., the cases are boarderline at best. That's just my opinion.

FWIW: Whilst I don't subscribe to the Nick Griffin: "Islam is a wicked and vicious faith" school of thought, one thing that Islam - and by extension, many Muslim's- is/are guilty of, is the subjugation of women. Something (on many ocassions) I've been very outspoken on. This is why my wife knows I'm not a sexist.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 28/08/2013 12:22

"There's a line to be drawn between 'harmless banter' and sexism."

:o

And you're the one who's going to draw that line, are you?

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 28/08/2013 12:22

This would be your life though, and reflect on how any future relationship/family decisions were made.

Doesn't bode well in my opinion. Especially seeing how his mum is treated.

JuliaScurr · 28/08/2013 12:26

swap racism for sexism
then would you want him?
would you go to eg Indian restaurants?

JuliaScurr · 28/08/2013 12:28

X posted so it's already been said

Contrarian78 · 28/08/2013 12:31

JYP: No, we all draw our own lines on what's acceptable and what isn't. These forums are useful becasue it allows us to gague where we are in the grand scheme of things. I try and offer a contrary view.

With the OP, I'd suggest that this is a borderline case. She knows it's wrong, but also recognises that she's perhaps being a little over-sensitive. She's sought advice on here (a broadly female forum) and got the response that you/she might have expected.

MorphyBrown · 28/08/2013 12:44

'Oversensitive'? The shit his friend said that he found so hilarious would have him in from of HR with a formal warning in many workplaces. Because it's not the 1970s and that is recognised as completely inappropriate.

MorphyBrown · 28/08/2013 12:45

Expat is right.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 28/08/2013 12:50

With the OP, I'd suggest that this is a borderline case. She knows it's wrong, but also recognises that she's perhaps being a little over-sensitive. She's sought advice on here (a broadly female forum) and got the response that you/she might have expected.

how can she both 'know its wrong' but also be 'a little over sensitive' at the same time? That makes no sense! Confused.

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