Married but very, very lonely

[chestnutblue]

Hello all, I thought I'd put this out there as it's colouring every day of my life. I have a husband and our relationship is "ok" we have problems but none of the enormous kind but I am so lonely.
He is an extremely defensive person which makes it very difficult to communicate. His go-to response is defence and he finds it extremely hard to take responsibility for his actions, always believing that something or someone is ultimately to blame.
He's a good person and a kind and loving father but although he swears that he loves and is in love with me he seems to have no energy for our relationship, in fact the only real relationship we have together is as parents and occasional lovers.
I am so lonely I found myself searching the internet for platonic friends sites, then realised it is a partner's intellectual company I miss, I already have female friends, and so got a grip and decided to try here first.
Any thoughts, advice, similar experiences?

Leaving your family home is not a solution. what makes you think the next partner will be better?

Maybe the problem dosen't lie with you guys. I think in some cases your partner might be distracted or just 2 young to run a family, or rather having difficulties coping with the expectations of being a dad/mum.

Just think back what made him attracted to you at the first place. Try doing things together, surprise with away trips, show interest in his hobbies / her hobbies.

Chestnut, you are brave.
I think my DH is "traditional" or may be just lazy but I have told him that his attitude destroys our family. I would have forgiven him other things if at least he didn't put himself first during the sex. When I think of it I do not want it anymore. What is the point? And I did tell him about my feelings but he does not or does not want to get it. We do not stay young forever and this is what makes me angry. And I do not look forward to our intimate moments anymore because he is a pig.
I do appreciate he earns the money but I feel more like a nanny with cooking responsibilities than a wife.

Hi chestnutblue, I hope your trial separation brings out a good result for you both. What do you intend to tell your children, family and friends. What do you think it would be like to interact with the family and friends once you get back together after the trial separation is hopefully over. My best wishes are with you whatever happens :)

mainamow frustration and resentment creeps into a relationship the moment a partner starts taking the other for granted. Has you husband always been like this or did things changed over the period?

Totally understand from a man's perspective. Married and lonely are two words that shouldn't sit together.

I have just read this thread and it sounds like my life! Wish OP would give an update. Also wish the people who stayed in their situation would also give an update

I've stayed in my situation I think to maintain the family unit. I'm actually ok to have friends that are female or male outside the family. My wife will not go away on hols anymore, she doesn't like to socialise either. It's all to do with an anxiety disorder really, but she is fine with me going on holiday with friends. Not all on here even get that freedom. How about your situation?

Hi niceblokie
DH is a wonderful dad to our DC and he is not a bad person. However I feel as if he takes me for granted most times. Like you I'm staying for my DC because she loves him to bits and they have an amazing relationship.

Hi Losingsleep. Understand totally. We have now agreed for me to have a more free life, even a holiday. She will not travel or go out socially, doesn't drink or drive, but I'm the opposite, so I'm now going to classic rock weekends for example with people my own age group, including overseas. She recognises her limitations due to anxiety but doesn't want to hold me back. It's all about an agreement really.

Hi everyone
i literally joined mumsnet to join this conversation. I've been feeling completely broken up, lonely and depressed in my relationship. To make it worse, I'm expecting a baby, and have another 3 year old, and live with in laws.
I've communicated with him, and loterally told him, i feel lonely, but nothing seems to help. l even tried planning things and following up with conversations with him to ensure he goes through with it, but my efforts are futile
it's funny because whenever I bring up the I'm feeling lonely conversation, I'm blamed for not organising things (but when i do, i get blown off)
It is so so hard and hurts so bad, but honestly after reading so many of your personal experiences Which I related almost word for word with, i really do feel a little less lonely. Thank you all for showing up with your emotions and being vulnerable. I hope and pray (if you believe in that), that all our situations improve, and we are equipped with the right tools to bring about a slightly more joyful experience of life
because honestly, i myself am so damn exhausted I've been getting recurring intrusive thoughts..
I'm sure some people can relate.

For some reason, i feel like I can continue going on whilst so many of us are feeling the same way and continuing regardless.
again Thank you

Rukiya

@RukiyaK you might not get any replies as this thread is so old. You'd likely be better off starting a new thread.

@RukiyaK

I have a 6 month old and came here for some emotional support.
I don’t think I have every felt this lonely. DH and I have been together for 9 years, married for 2.
For me, physical contact and sex has always been very important but over the years it’s been getting worse and so rare that I’ve started hating myself for being ‘needy’.
When I say rare I mean once a month if that.
Since getting pregnant however it became even worse, last time we had intercourse was when I was 25 weeks pregnant in February.
I have once suggested it but he said no and I now feel ashamed to bring it up in conversation. I feel utterly rejected, hurt and lonely. I’ve tried mentioning to my DH that I feel lonely but he says ‘but I give you cuddles’ then proceeds to change the subject just in case sex should come up in convo.
I don’t know what to do, it’s making me feel worse by the day

The thread is 7 years old. Best to start a new one with what you say above. There are plenty who can relate and will support you through shared experiences. After all, I'm typing this at 2.30am on a Tuesday morning that just about says it all for me.

This totally freaked me out as I'm on it from 7 years ago

I'm home alone, my wife of 40 years is no longer the same person, spends all her time on FB, not interested in any kind of intimacy even a cuddle. Mentioning it I just get' oh god' or something like that.
A strange world but a man can't have a female friend and vice versa without people talking. Where does anyone go from here. I love my family , children and grandchildren etc and don't want to lose that but don't want to spend the rest of my life so lonely.

How did it all end ?. I'm in the situation with my boyfriend and want to know what happened with you

I am feeling very lonely way too often for a person in a relationship. My partner just doesn't talk much and even though I accept that, it leaves me craving human interaction. We have talked about it and at first he gets very defensive and then kind of says he is trying. But often his response is just saying he is tired. He says he loves me but I don't feel it. He very rarely asks anything to me or shows genuine interest in me. He almost never says any compliments to me ...well he thinks I am good looking and I am a good mum but nothing about me as a person.
If you ask what he is looking for in a woman he will just say "arms, legs, heads and body".. basically saying that anyone will do. Anyone.
I feel like I don't matter. But I strongly believe I am far from his actual ideal partner personality wise , he just doesn't have to be alone. Quite often I don't think he even likes me apart from how I look.

I feel unseen, unheard and unloved.
I'm writing here because I just want someone to talk to :(

I followed this thread as OP was identical to my life. The situation carried on, then he started making plans to be a stay at home husband while I carried on working and being an unpaid carer to his ageing parents. Finally took the plunge and divorced him two years ago. One of the best decisions I ever made. I'm a lot happier and calmer and DD is doing ever so well.

In the same boat so following for advice x

Hello everyone, I can't quite believe I wrote this over ten years ago.
Depending on your point of view, it worked out for me.

Three years ago (yes, it took me that long, my only regret in life) I asked my DH to leave - his behaviour escalated in many destructive ways and I could no longer tell myself it was better for the kids to have him in the house.

It's been very hard financially - my career was the one that stopped after kids - and I earn a very small wage and still rely on him for money (he has been brilliant in that respect) but the difference to me, my mental health, my self-confidence, in finally putting an end to what was an enormously negative relationship, has been immeasurable.

I am so much happier. Life is not straight-forward - he owns the house where I live with the kids and has blocked the sale of it which would allow me real independance - but, for all the difficulties none are as bad as staying in a shadow-relationship and watching my time waste away.

I've done my own work and taken responsibility for my part.
He is utterly stuck and will not self-reflect, or seek professional help, which might help him to tackle some of the fairly mainstream problems that completely sabotaged our relatioship.

Sadly, I recently came across a diary from 2006 and I can see all the signs of his dysfunction there which at the time, I told myself were solveable.
I wasted so many years kidding myself that we could make each other happy.

The best thing about leaving him is that not being burdened with his bulls**t has meant I have had time to focus on learning more about myself in the hope that, one day, I may be fortunate enough to meet someone with whom I can build a healthy relationship.

I wish you all enormous liuck.
Be brave; you (and your partner) deserve a chance to be happy.

@chestnutblue

Hello @LaQ

Just a "hi" to say I imagine things are very hard atm but you are not alone, and life can change for the better.

Wow, this is so crazy I feel like we literally live the same lives just different genders. This sounds just like my wife. We’ve been married over 21 years and I have yet to see, in atleast the past 10 years any emotional genuine connection or accepting responsibility for anything, yet everyone and everything is to blame, only difference it seems that nothing I do or she does makes her happy, is it’s like walking on eggshells trying not to hurt her feelings cus everything I say is belittling her or makes her frustrated. Idk what to do…..

Hello @Onlyhumane ,

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I can only tell you what I know from my experience.
This behaviour will not change or improve.

Four years ago I asked him to leave.
He is still in my life as we have children.
His behaviours continue to be destructive and disfunctional.
A huge amount of my time is spent trying to limit the effects of his example on my kids.

In my experience, these people do not change unless something cataclismic happens to shift their life view.

My X has no capacity for self-reflection and so he remains broken and toxic.
He also has no interest in pursuing emotional growth as it must be terrifying for him to think of the world outwith his own fixed view; a view that blames everyone else for his own appalling actions.

Without responsibility, he only brings harm.

I don't know if any of this is of use but can only say, IME, spending your life waiting for someone else to improve your own is a false ideal.

Make your own life, action your own values, live by them, leave those who can't behind - they will only bring you pain.

Yes very helpful. And as I sit and contemplate the battle ahead I just hope I can find some peace. At first I just did not get it. Im a decent looking man in keep myself in good shape, she never needed for anything or the kids. Alllll the way up til the last one moved out. And to top it all off I changed the way I took care of myself to make sure the family was guided in the right direction with minimal stress and need for anything. Put myself on Back burner and to be honest I don’t feel appreciated for that or anything else. Anyway I’m rambling on. I’m not perfect by any means. But I can admit my faults, it seems that she will probably never admit to hers unless I want to go back to arguing til 5 in morning trying to get someone to see why we need to communicate more.. but (My 1 child is with her and I have 3 step kids-hers from previous relationship) and I can count on two hands thev amount of times where we were both Involved in any real meaningful conversation about were we want to be in life or just genuinely tell me what she feels, We been married 22 years, kids are grown.you would think she would be happier that we can now life kid free…

And thank you