Married but very, very lonely

[chestnutblue]

Hello all, I thought I'd put this out there as it's colouring every day of my life. I have a husband and our relationship is "ok" we have problems but none of the enormous kind but I am so lonely.
He is an extremely defensive person which makes it very difficult to communicate. His go-to response is defence and he finds it extremely hard to take responsibility for his actions, always believing that something or someone is ultimately to blame.
He's a good person and a kind and loving father but although he swears that he loves and is in love with me he seems to have no energy for our relationship, in fact the only real relationship we have together is as parents and occasional lovers.
I am so lonely I found myself searching the internet for platonic friends sites, then realised it is a partner's intellectual company I miss, I already have female friends, and so got a grip and decided to try here first.
Any thoughts, advice, similar experiences?

JamieandtheMagicTorch not in my case, we always had issues perhaps we both wanted different things from this relationship. I am sure she is as unhappy as I am. Our child has given us something to be distracted with which has added a bit of focus in our life.

I hope everyone would have a lovely weekend :)

chestnutblue does your husband generally behave with other people as he does with you, all the traits you mentioned. If yes, I guess he has a genuine issue and you could both do with some counselling. Counsellors do help you with techniques to communicate. I hope things get better for you soon.

Hi OP, I think this is quite common once children come along. I definitely feel like this in my relationship sometimes. My DH is someone who doesn't really need a social life outside his hobbies, which are ones that don't particularly interest me. I do feel like I do all the heavy lifting in terms of trying to keep our relationship going (as opposed to being parents, where we get on okay, as similar values).

Fortunately I have an absorbing job and good hobbies and friends so it doesn't bother me too much.

You could try Relate. We went a few years back and it definitely helped, at least for a while. There was a lot of stuff going on in his head that I didn't know about, and when I did some of his behaviour made more sense. I felt more 'heard' in a room where there was a third party asking questions, and after the sessions finished we kept that night as a 'date night' for while (the counsellor suggested this).

Hello all, I guess children have changed things massively (surprise). I was won over by him because he was so interested in making me happy, in the beginning. If I'm honest this started before chidren but, as Summerdad says, the children have been a distraction. If I'm being very honest I don't know if our relationship would have survived without them. I don't think I would have put up with this without the common link.
I see that that is far from ideal but I am also aware that he is so good in many respects. It adds to my loneliness that my friends believe him to be "the perfect husband" and subsequently i feel like the inadequate, unreasonable partner. But I don't want to fumble through life feeling to numb and unloved. It's so very brief, it seems to me that we should love fiercly, and yet it's so hard (can you tell this is a late night post???).
I am aware of having so much and not having enough. Feeling guilty but still not being fulfilled. I don't want perfection just a meeting of minds. And a mutual appreciation.

chestnutblue, I know exactly what it feels like to be living with "the perfect spouse" and not having what you consider the bare minimum in a relationship. I started a late night thread long time ago in such desperation, the thread is still on you can join us there. Though it is supposed to be a nocturnal thread, still most of us manage to have some sleep at night and do post on it sporadically. You are welcome to post there if it may help.

I have joined this site today looking for advice and support for exactly what you write. As others have said, I could have written much of your post. It is so hard to know where to turn. We did go to relate but it was very expensive and it wasn't for us. Have you tried counselling? We are trying to go out more just us but it is always me making the arrangements. I'm about to go full time too after 7 years part time so scared about what extra strain this will add. I do think time can heal. But it's hard feeling your life is on hold.

Last month, I felt the same, for a few year I have said to H, Im lonely in this marriage, I need support as he wasn't contributing to much on any level. Last week we decided to go our separate ways and the relief is huge.

There's no point living like this. You are not doing anyone any favours. Have you tried couples counselling? I would give it a go and, if things don't improve, split up.

Hi Chestnutblue - I know this situation very well, only I'm the husband. I'm also the primary carer. My wife frequently doesn't come home until midnight, will work many weekends, and just doesn't engage with issues as I like to. I take the view that if there's a problem, talk about it, but as you probably know too well, it takes two to talk. I feel incredibly lonely, and trapped. I have two beautiful kids, but as we all know a parent needs adult communication as well to carry on functioning.
I've also come to realise you can't change anyone else, the only person you can change is you. SO I know my challenge is to try and achieve some independence - a bit like being a single parent only there is another parent! Its tough, because I have to turn down work because I can't find childcare, and therefore I can't break out. But I know I have to - and I'm sure you need to as well. I don't know if I'll succeed, but to be happy I have to, and I think you do to.
Good luck.x

I find it really frightening people having affairs when children are only babies or toddlers. It almost feels like it puts them at risk -- it kind of does, introduce someone else into the family home / bed etc.

I think it's not good to stay if that's the case. However, if no affair do try and make it work. Nobody gets on when a child is 1 -- it's so difficult!!! It WILL get better x

Hey, I saw this thread and figured I'd break out my "other" nickname to respond to it.

I'm really lonely, too. In my case, however, I'm the one who isn't in love with him. He's a good, decent man. He loves me very much. I just don't feel the same way. And I can't bring myself to have sex with him. Partly because he physically turns me off and partly because the dynamic has gotten so weird. At best, I could try to have sex with him just to be nice, but he sort of pushes my buttons in a way that makes me feel really awful. So, I just don't do it. I can't even really think about it.

He lives in another city most of the time for work. It's hard because I have to manage the household alone. But, it's also a blessing because I don't have to deal with him.

I don't have any friends in "real life." I just work and then I'm at home.

I went to a festival that catered to a particular subculture and it was amazing. Not just getting a little break and enjoying the music... but meeting other people who share my interests.

I met one person, in particular, that I really clicked with. It felt platonic/not flirty, but I wanted to hang out with him a lot. We just got along great - talking about bands, books, and that sort of thing - a lot of what we like in common is quite obscure. And, I picked up from a few comments that he's equally miserable in his marriage, although I don't know too many details. I just know he stays with his family because of money and the kids.

Since being back home, I think about him all the time. I talk to him online via Twitter and Facebook and it's starting to get a bit obsessive. I'm paranoid that he'll pick up on my neediness and run a mile from the bunny boiler. But, I'm just so lonely and I wish I could spend more time with him. I'm scheming ways to see him, again.

I don't know if I want to have an affair, an emotional affair, a friendship, or what. I just know that I want the feeling I had when we were drinking beers and watching bands and talking about stuff.

Actually, I think I need to start a thread to talk about this. I'm really confused and it's messing with my head.

I feel every single word u guys wrote...
Almost crying. Feeling the same.

I've just separated from a relationship that was like this. He did his own thing, left me at home to look after the house and take care of dd, wouldn't accept there was a problem and just got worse and worse. In the end i got involved with someone who showed me some affection, not the greatest idea, but it shook me up and made me realise life on my own would likely be better. And I was right, it is. Not simple, not easy but definitely better

Hello all, I appreciate your honesty and bravery in sharing how you feel and what you've been going through. Summerdad, Ett, Tottie - that must have been terrifying, how are you now? - , Silverfox, AKVS, I wish I could help you too but you know I'm not in a position to give advice .

SoThisIs, I think you're in a different place from me at least. I don't feel as disconnected from my Dh although I can see that his lack of care could very easily lead me to where you are now. I do still find him attractive, but never when I feel neglected. I had thought this was a mainly female thing but I can see from the men posting here that it's not. SoThisIs I hope you do find a way to be happier, and you're not hijacking. Loneliness seems to be the only requirement here.

MrsSnail I think you're so brave too. I think if there was some concrete "crime" here I would seriously consider leaving. But it's all so vague, this neglect of your partner, that I find it very difficult to justify the trauma it would cause. However I don't want to let it go and wake up one day to realise I loathe him. But I can't make changes without his input, or none that would make me feel better. I wish I could bring him to action. His inaction is becoming poisonous.

Ett we did try counselling, the counsellor even noted his incredible lethargy, and there was a brief improvement. But, like you, if we go out or do anything together I am always the instigator. He still desires me and I do find him attractive but I am beginning to shy away as I find it very difficult to have a purely physical relationship with my husband! Surely there should be mental stimulation too?

your replies there to Mrssnail are exactly how I feel. exactly. had tough day today myself with it all. I'm really trying to not put a time limit on it but in my head I am thinking of 'better' times for it to happen if it is to end and us both getting financially sorted first. I too like you don't want it to end in hating each other. and I don't want to just walk away. but yes you do and I think we deserve mental, emotional and physical stimulation in a marriage. I'm not ready to give up but its so hard. I start new full time job too tomorrow after 7 yrs part time.

I so wish you well. its scary how similar our situations sound. I'm just hoping small steps work. if not I feel I've in my head, if not my heart, worked out all the practical sides if it doesn't. that's just how I work. see the worst case scenarios in hope things will be better.

Ett I really hope things improve. Do you have small children?
I wish you all the best with the new full time post, and I'm envious. I was in a very demanding job until the end of last year when a change in working patterns made childcare impossible and I had to leave. I have found being at home has crushed my self esteem and brought this situation, which is years old, to a head for me. I desperately want and need to be able to justify myself intellectually but have decided not to continue in my previous career (it was not good for me), and so I'm in limbo.
I've never been a dependent, I've never not worked, I'm finding day-to-day parenting extremely challenging and I'm unsure of where to go next career-wise. None of this is helping with my DH but it has exposed the ludicrous nature of our relationship. Conversely I think he feels far more secure since I stopped work, not in a nasty way but rather that he is more in control?
I do think that he will never really "get it" until I'm not here. And then I'm sure he will be astonished and crushed. He just never seems to hear me.

chestnutblue how was the experience of counselling for you both? Why do you thinkn it improve things only to some extent. Did the counsellor help in communication between two of you.

Hi Summerdad, counselling was good in that it made communication considerably easier but the benefits stopped pretty much as soon as we stopped attending. Any lessons learnt on his part haven't stuck.

If you and your DP have difficulty communicating then I'd definitely say it is worth trying. You each get your chance to discuss the issue with the hugely helpful calming influence of a non-involved third party. It made it much easier to get things out in the open, and to hear his side of things, than it's ever been before.

Maybe it would work well for you both. I was the instigator, no surprise, but he did say at the time that he found it daunting but helpful - he's not a good communicator.

Thanks chestnutblue I had been going for relationship counselling on my own on my own initiative. She promised in the start that she would go along with me later but then she refused. Off course, you can't push someone for these things. The counselling sesssions did help me to understand my thoughts, feelings and contribution to our relationship and I realised that I have a lot to offer. I stopped self bashing and feeling guilty for the sad state of affairs. Why did you stop, may be you could continue the sessions once in a while just as a reminder of everything you guys learned. Sometimes we do need a bit of revision :)

I completely understand where your feelings cone from re control etc. could you look at voluntary work or part time to give u that start to control and would certainly build your esteem? I guess it depends on how old your DC is re childcare etc. my DDs are now 8 and nearly 6 so both at school. whether that transition has led my H and I to here I don't know. I had a horrendous year in my job last yr and it lower me massively which didn't help. (I talk in academic yr terms as I'm in education)
are there any courses you could get involved in in the evening to help u choose a new career?
I also feel I need to give it a good go as DDs would be devastated and feel I've let them down. but how long do you do all the running?

have u told your DH about the working etc and how u feel? I really think you should if not. i know after my bombshell was dropped on me I laid it all out, over a series of days and weeks like what would he do? did he think there was something better out there? what would his parents say? and he couldn't have the kids at Christmas! for me I had to get to that low to be able to climb back up. we only did 2 counselling then cancelled. neither found it at all beneficial and I really didn't like counsellor.

I was like this for ages he changed after a big life change in his early 30's

I just built a life around it really and focused on the positive never really realising how bit by bit I was ebbing away.

He left and thank god he had the guts to end it

I am four years on and reading these posts has been a jolt , yes I am single but happy and not at all lonely. When you are on your own you are on your own when you are in a relationship and on your own that is excruciating.

I always felt he was going along to the counselling to keep the peace rather than fully engage in it. And you're right Ett, if you don't gel with the counsellor then it's all pointless. It's fantastic that you've been strong enough to go on your own Summerdad. I can imagine that that could be very empowering thing to do.
As for work Ett, I am losing my mind at home and I've started looking into various avenues, volunteering being one. I do have useful skills somewhere... It's such a unpleasant feeling when you know you're the only one working at a relationship that is so crucial to your children. It's hard but, as I"ve said, he's not a bad person just oddly unfocused on us. I thank it's the old case of being so familiar he doesn't register me as important. Or rather I'm here and useful but not worthy of effort. Ooof, I've just depressed myself
Comingtotown I did get to the stage when I thought one of us was going to go and I won't lie, in the end I was terrified of him quitting. The children adore him, and I can't bear to be the one who destroys that for them. It's not a poisonous atmosphere for them to live in, just a very difficult one for their mum

chestnutblue you are right, a right counsellor is a must for the counselling to be useful. The whole process was emotionally too exhausting and was not pleasant to unfold my thoughts before a stranger but at the same time it was quite empowering as I studies and learnt more about the psychological techniques and patterns.

Yes, I agree that the feeling that you are the only one 'actively' working on the relationship could be very frustrating. Your husband may also be worried about the whole situation still he may be finding it hard to solve the whole issue, who knows. You never now unless they share with you, do you?