Married but very, very lonely

[chestnutblue]

Hello all, I thought I'd put this out there as it's colouring every day of my life. I have a husband and our relationship is "ok" we have problems but none of the enormous kind but I am so lonely.
He is an extremely defensive person which makes it very difficult to communicate. His go-to response is defence and he finds it extremely hard to take responsibility for his actions, always believing that something or someone is ultimately to blame.
He's a good person and a kind and loving father but although he swears that he loves and is in love with me he seems to have no energy for our relationship, in fact the only real relationship we have together is as parents and occasional lovers.
I am so lonely I found myself searching the internet for platonic friends sites, then realised it is a partner's intellectual company I miss, I already have female friends, and so got a grip and decided to try here first.
Any thoughts, advice, similar experiences?

To be honest, I think he's quite happy with the status quo and confused when I say I am not. Sometimes I really believe he just doesn't "get" what the problem is. And there's only so many ways to say it.

sometimes two partners give different weights to things in life. A lazy Sunday morning hug may be the one of the most precious things for me in life but may be overlooked by my partner as not necessary.

We have different requirements in real life I am sure all of his requirements are being met otherwise he would be writing these posts instead of you. I am sure you may have used 'desc' technique with him.

Hi,
I'm new to MN, I posted about my own issue late last week and got a lot of help that made me see my things clearly. A lot of what you say rings bells with me too. Although to be honest, it was probably more how I felt a year or two ago. Since then, resentment has built up, things have happened, love, intimacy and sex have left the building and I have made the decision to walk away when financial issues have been straightened out.

anyway, what summerdad has just said made me want to reply, I think that's so true. A lot of problems with me and OH are definitely down to the fact we prioritise different things. He has admitted he is not especially happy either but things will improve when DD is older (she is 2) He says there is no point working on it, nothing to work at, it will get better on its own. He has a history of staying in relationships well past past their sell by date. I honestly think people have different standards of happiness, he thinks my expectations are too high but honestly they are not. He just doesn't think a fulfilled relationship is very important.

Good luck everybody

Hi Summer and Lickety, I think you've really clarified things for me, and explained just why he's so reluctant to put in the work. He doesn't think anything needs to change.
Thank you so much for your posts. I won't lie, I'll need to think this one through some more but what you've said really does make sense with what's going on.

Again Lickety I admire your bravery and thank you for posting. A lot of what you say rings true for me. He's a real "tomorrow will be better" person where as I want to be happier now.
I have little ones too and feel I would be destroying their world if I left. And I think I would find it very hard to justify my actions, to them and to others, who all think my DH is a saint.

Having said all that I am the one who doesn't wait for the Sunday morning cuddle - too busy concentrating on the bigger issues - and I know he really wants and needs that contact.
Summer I have no idea what 'desc' is...

Since then, resentment has built up, things have happened, love, intimacy and sex have left the building and I have made the decision to walk away when financial issues have been straightened out.

Ditto, except that I have made the decision that I have to stay in the relationship for the sake of my son and just to be there for him always. I don't believe our split would be an amicable one ever unless it is initiated by my other half ( this word sounds so ironic to me now :))

Having said all that I am the one who doesn't wait for the Sunday morning cuddle - too busy concentrating on the bigger issues
LOL, that made me smile. Obviously, the definition of "bigger" is relative and that relativity makes all the difference in our situations, I am sure. A morning cuddle and five minutes spent with me in the morning would energise me so much that I would sort out all the cupboards in the kitchen twice, mop all the floors and do all the ironing in no time :)

That was a bit of digression though the point was we do view things differently and the only solution to the problem is to communicate well, respect each others wishes however stupid or minor they may seem and use a bit of reason, kindness and generosity.

chestnutblue This is a standard technique about being assertive which was recommended to me by my wonderful counsellor, did work quite well in most of the cases specially at work :) There are a few others which I picked up while reading the literature about assertiveness where Broken record is another favourite of mine :) A bit of details about these techniques can be found here:

www.bbc.co.uk/dna/place-london/plain/A2998551

I also feel exactly the same. oh seems to simply not need to communicate. He talks a lot, about his job, what he thinks, almost a running commentary on what's he's doing and thinking, what the kids are up to etc but he seems completely uninterested in what I'm doing or what I think. He will not discuss anything (eg child related issues or relationship issues ) saying that we should each do our own thing with the children and that relationships should come naturally do don't need discussing. He also says that he is uninterested in my job and if I want to talk through any problems he just tells me to give up the job. He is happy, a good "provider", helps with the kids etc but just seems to get all the social and emotional contact he needs from work and the kids. We haven't had sex for years and never go out without the kids. Last time I arranged a weekend away on our own he asked why I'd done it and why we'd want to go without the kids (7, 10 and 13). Life was okay before the kids but his emotions seemed to switch from me to the kids as soon as we had our first. It was as if he only had room in his heart for them

catseatmice thats sad to know. I am just surprised how many of us want similar things from their partners, would be really nice if matches were really made in heavens many of us might end up together :)

They have this film on BBC iplayer "My year without sex" as if it is a big deal to live without sex for a year watching it right now - in my own room :)

Hi All, Summer your comments have really made me think about what's important to him, and if I'm making enough effort in that area (I'm not).

We slept apart for some time but we're together again, however I did find it a relief to sleep alone to be honest and he instigated us sleeping together again. I think I would have been pretty happy on my own, lonely, but I really enjoyed the space and a break from the constant pressure to have sex.
Getting personal now, I'm beginning to think I underestimate how important sex is to him. I enjoy it, I just don't need it as much as he does. I wonder if sex to him is what a good conversation and some genuine attention is to me? I also wonder how I would cope with the level of physical rejection he has to deal with from me.

Cats your description of your situatuion is heartbreaking. I can't imagine how you are getting through when you are faced with that amount of indiffernence. Have you considered/suggested counselling? Would he entertain it? Have you any interests/friends that can fill some of the emotional gap for you? I'm trying to do more stuff for myself that is fulfilling without him in the hope that I'll be less bruised by his neglect.

Summer thanks for the link, I'll have a good look at it.

I don't know if it is different for men and for women but i would say if someone is repeatedly rejected it must have some impact on how they view the relationship.

I'm sure you don't do what my OH did, but he rejected me for about 18 months. I'd always had a higher drive then him (although I'm by no means an addict or anything). It was upsetting. I remember my stomach used to lurch and sometime I'd cry a bit before going to sleep because I just didn't understand and felt so unwanted. I stopped trying after several months.

I'm not suggesting you never say no for fear of hurting him but maybe some reassurance would do him a bit of good and open up some communication. Maybe on some level he feels unwanted too?

chestnutblue I know it is a vicious circle, being pestered for sex puts you off further. At the same time, constant rejection makes the other half more desperate and resentful at the same time.

It sounds quite sexist but somewhere I read along the lines that for men develops a great relationship as a result of good sex while for women a good sex is the product of a wonderful relationship. If this good sex and good relationship cycle breaks in a couple, it gets really hard to be on the track again unless at least one of the partners is generous and forgiving.

It takes a lot of courage to realise that you have under estimated his needs.

I wonder if sex to him is what a good conversation and some genuine attention is to me?

I am not sure about him but I value all of these things. However, if I sexaully rejected and starved I would feel too resentful about this unless there is a good reason for this i.e. tiredness or any medical ones. It is easy for men to view it as a control tactic. I doubt a resentful person can give someone genuine attention specially when being wanted is very important for him too.

Licketysplit123 you say it so well. For a long time, I felt unwanted too and I was never given a reason why. How long can you go on like this being rejected, you stop making advances one day. I started sleeping in the separate room as I did not want to feel this way any longer.

We might have sex a few times in last few years, I won't call it love making as I was always half asleep when it happened. Sometimes, in the next morning, I thought it was perhaps a dream. Reality and dreams were so much amalgamated for me and I felt very angry and pitiful for myself. I could not continue being driven by my instincts in my deep sleep and just stopped sharing the same room.

The result for me is I stopped trying a long time ago. It has probably happened about half a dozen times in the last year as OH is now "trying to make up for it". To be honest I really don't want to do it anymore. It has too many issues. I can't even kiss now without thinking I am doing it wrong. The fast few times have been awful and the main reason i did it was because i didn't want to be a hypocrite and withhold it as punishment or anything.

Anyway I've decided I can't do it again. Maybe I should be more generous and forgiving as summerdad says but its really hard to make yourself do that

Moral of the story I think is if you have mismatched sex drives, the one getting the brunt of the rejection needs to be told how wonderful they are a lot, before resentment and insecurity kicks in

Maybe I should be more generous and forgiving as summerdad says but its really hard to make yourself do that

Thats another thing I discovered in the counselling sessions that I can't have the responsibility for the actions of others. You have been subjected to all this agony, you are not responsible for this.

Lickety You may be right, I know he feels distant from me sometimes but he only seems to feel it when I don't accept his advances. We still have sex and I don't want to hurt him but equally I'm not going to do something I don't want to. That would never lead to a n improvement in our relationship.
Summer, as archaic as it seems I think there's some truth in the gender split of relationship needs and wants. I know I find it very difficult to be physically close to him when I am neglected in other areas. He has admitted he doesn't have the same issue and still finds me attractive even if things are very strained between us.
If you were still able to have sex in "sleep" mode your dp must still want you on some level. Feigning sleep is just a way of denying the reality of the act, isn't it? And of having to address the issues around it and the relationship? Does you dp find it easy to talk about emotions, her family, herself? I know my dp was not taught to be open and honest. It's a big obstacle for us.

Lickety, just in case you pick me up wrong. My last posted was in response to your "different for men and women" post, not your latest one. I hadn't updated the page properly.

chestnutblue No, she never talks about her feelings and thoughts with any one in the world. I had to keep guessing all the time what was going on in her head till I gave up. Like most of the relations, lack of intimacy was just the symptom the real cause was always that she was not happy - could be any reason but I never knew. It is a closed chapter any way, a lot could have been done in the past but the loss of last ten years of my prime is too big a loss considering that she was the first and the only woman in my life.

Summer, I don't know what to say to you. You sound so hurt. How does your dc respond to the relationship between you and your dp? I grew up in a similar household and I found it very difficult indeed.

HI,
Don't worry, Chestnutblue, I understood which points you were referring to. I definitely didn't mean to imply you should have sex when you don't want to! Done that myself and it doesn't make you feel good! I think the point I was trying to make was if someone is being rejected repeatedly, that might explain distance and hurt that you're unaware of and reassurance might help. Sounds like he gets a decent amount though so I think the point was moot in the end!

I agree, summerdad, you sound in a really difficult position and I really hope you can work it out

Licketysplit123 and chestnutblue thanks for your kind words, I read my posts and my life seems more dreadful as compared to what it is in fact :) I am at peace with this life style generally for good reasons. Just recalling all this perhaps is the more difficult part.

Licketysplit123 and chestnutblue, I hope you are doing well.

Hello all, it's been a while and I wondered how everyone is getting on?
I'm at the stage of asking for a trial separation. Hoping to do it today. I'm terrified but hoping he may appreciate us more if he's not with us. If not, well, I guess that will be that.
I hope you're doing better than me!

bump

I aslo feel lonely most of the time. DH works a lot and when he doesn't then he is watching sport on TV. At weekends we go shopping and then usually go home after that. More work for him even at weekends. Sometimes he'd watch TV, g. sport for half a day and then work going to bed very late like after midnight. We'd have sex in the mornings once a week if I am lucky. He doesn't take me out, doesn't buy gifts; I buy my own BD presents because it is easier for him. No Christmas or Valentine presents. No flowers. The last time I got flowers was on Mother's Day. Sex is boring. It is all about him. Always comes first and believes I can come in 7 minutes. I feel neglected as a wife. Apart from work he helps with shool run in the mornings, pays the bills, does ocassional maintenance such as changing bulbs etc. I know he expects me to do the rest because I am SAHM. I am looking for a job and hope it will change his attitude for better. We've been together for 9 years. He is very Japanese in marriage if you know what Japanese husbands mean.

Hi Main, I'm guessing you mean he's traditional, ie thinks you'll do nearly everything without complaint or reward?

I told dh today I'd like to try a trial separation. He was angry and upset, claimed it had come out of the blue. If you scan back on the old posts you'll see I've tried every angle to make him 'wake up'. I feel oddly optimistic about the coming months now. I'm a sahm too and although my dependancy on him terrifies me I can't continue in this non-living any more.
Our sep is in the hope that we get back together. We've agreed a number of rules to that effect and identified our goals etc.