Chances of reconciliation with an ex you're 'friends' with?

[cherrysparkles]

Hello, I've just signed up to post this thread, I hope that's ok :)

I read about 'friendzoning' on another forum and apparently, it's bad when it comes to being friend zoned by an ex.

I recently split up with a man I had been seeing for 6 months. We were seeing each other quite casually - as in, we hadn't been seen together in public around our town, as I'm still in the process of going through a divorce (split up a long time ago) and didn't want that reflecting badly on me...despite all that, this man said he loved me fairly early on (within a month) and seemed to be planning for the future; talking about future events he will be attending and mentioning it would be nice for us to go together, and so on.

He spent a while after we split up saying that he doesn't want a relationship with anyone for as far into the future as he can see, but that he liked me a lot, we did continue to sleep together but then both felt awful the next day, and then he told me he was going away for a couple of weeks with work, and needed complete space; I.E no contact for the time he was away. He said he was hoping to see if he missed me, and to work out what he felt for me; whether he wanted to never see me again, just be friends or something more than friends.

I spoke to him yesterday on the phone, and he said he was hoping to see me next week when he was back home, just meeting up for a coffee and a chat then going home to see if we can actually get on (we've been arguing a lot recently, due to his 'confusion'). I asked about how he felt and first of all he said I'm lovely but not for him, then he said he could never say never and that two people could never have a relationship if they can't be friends. He wouldn't say if his actual feelings had changed, just saying that he had made a decision that if he can't have a relationship with anyone at this moment in time, then he can't have his cake and eat it by sleeping with me - which seems fair enough to me.

He seems to want to meet up next week, chat and get on and then just text and stuff as people do, with a view to meeting up "some time in the future...in a week, or two or three, whenever feels right".

He says that he will still be attracted to me, but won't ever act on it. I asked what would happen if he comes to see me and still feels the way he did the last time he came over (which was beginning of August) - the same feelings that were confusing him at that time, and he said he would just try to enjoy the feeling of enjoying my company.

Is this a bit weird? Putting aside the issue of whether the dumped party should be friends with an ex when they still have feelings for them, would it be so bad in theory to meet up with this person fairly regularly but not planned regularly, just chat about casual things and then we both go home having had a pleasant time...is there potential for feelings to develop on his part (if they were ever going to, I know there is only a slim chance anyway) or will he 'friend zone' me and therefore never see me in 'that' way again?

I admit, I'm confused as to how feelings come about anyway - my ex said that he realises now that he has to be friends with a woman before getting involved with dating or a relationship, but can you ever be friends with an ex (genuine friends, with no physical contact) and then rekindle a relationship?

In fact, I would appreciate knowing the answer to my last question, so I know in future seeing as I'm so naive or whatever:

Can a man be genuinely hurt from a past relationship (and in this man's case, it was a 20 plus year marriage where he received no affection and was rejected any time he tried to give it...and that IS true as we all saw it for ourselves when they were out in public together!) and scared of getting into another serious relationship/any relationship (he had also not long split from another partner when I met him so was probably on the rebound) and be confused about his feelings and whether they are the 'right' type of feelings, or just physical/flattery/something similar?

And if so, when a man is in that situation, how would he act towards the woman in question? What's the 'proper' way for him to act towards her in that case?

Answers to this would greatly improve my chances of understanding men in future.

Yes, possibly - but he does not want it to be with you.

I am in no doubt that you know better, and I would hedge my bets that because you are so obsessed with this man and emotionally unavailable men in general, you will pursue a relationship with him and it will be a complete and utter emotional disaster.

I actually think you need to do it to LEARN!

I think past experiences convince you not to proceed if it's not right. If you don't have faith that your personalities are compatible or if the other person's affection for you seems mismatched with your own, then past (painful) experiences will put a break on things quicker than the days before you had a difficult relationship and a break up under your belt.

But I believe that if you are aware enough to realise what went wrong the last time, then if it feels right and you just know and you feel happy being in the spotlight of somebody else's affection/love then you will proceed. But that's just me perhaps. My 'baggage' is entirely good in that it only stops me pushing water uphill. I can sort out the wheat from the chaff quicker and I won't try and turn a sow's ear in to a silk purse! enough clichés.

I'm in my early twenties and frankly I'd be embarrassed if I had written all of this... You sound utterly obsessed.

You don't seem to be taking in any responses, just saying 'but why would he do x, y and z if he didn't want to be with me?!' You can manipulate anything he has said or done to make him sound like a troubled man who wants you and needs you but can't cope with his feelings. But he has told you HE DOES NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU. Listen to him. Please.

From this man's point of view, you are acting like a bunnyboiler, you seem to have lost dignity. It is not attractive to beg somebody to stay over or to turn up at their house when they have ignored your calls for a week. It's not healthy.

Relationships (or friendships) shouldn't be this much drama.
Be single, enjoy not over-analysing every single thing an individual does or says.

Value yourself and hold out for somebody that genuinely wants to be with you and who you don't turn into a stalker for.

Pony - you are going to go far.

I wish I had that much sense (and dignity) when I was your age x

Hmm I get what you're saying, Chl0e.

Well considering he didn't feel anything for me, he put 6 months of work in after he had finished things, and that was 6 months straight of total crap he got from me (well, he was doing the flip flapping, but I was being a bitch. Lol). We slept together twice in that time, rest of the time was him coming over, getting nagged at, trying to talk then going home again 3 hours later, so why he did it for so long I have no idea.

All the way through he kept saying it felt right and natural to be in my arms, as he put it.

Which is why I was under the illusion there was something 'real' there.

Plus, the fact that he seemed to want my affection, as when I had asked him to be open minded (meaning don't put 'us' into any particular category and just see what develops) and that meant I could act 'naturally' (as he kept telling me to do), he then always brought it up afterwards saying that I had the chance to act natural and be affectionate, but I stayed away from him.

Thinking about it ... the time I went to see him at home (to talk), admittedly I turned up unannounced but he let me in, told me to sit down then stared at the floor with his head in his hands for literally 45 minutes while I sat there asking him if he was going to listen to me.
Eventually he laid down on his back on the sofa, pulled me on top of him and I kind of shuffled to the side of him, then he just hugged me. He didn't do anything or put his hands anywhere, just lay there with me kind of half on top of him and half at the side of him, every time I tried to get up he pulled me back down again (not in an aggressive way) and then carried on staring at the ceiling with me lying on him.
Then I eventually got up, he said it was nice holding me like that and feeling my curves through my clothes (?) and even when I'd annoyed him by turning up like that, he still wanted to be close to me. Then he drove me home and said he didn't want to see me again (which lasted a week).

I know it doesn't matter now, but I did wonder what the hell THAT was!

Not making excuses for my behaviour Pony, but there were a lot of times when I was just talking to him, he would randomly just lay down on my sofa and then pull me down next to him; he's quite strong and when I resisted, he kept saying "please, I need to hold you". He never tried anything else on though which I found weird - just like the previous time I mentioned, he seemed more into the affection/closeness than the sex, which is why I (ok, wrongly) thought there were feelings behind it - and he was still doing that sort of thing up until he went away the week before last.

Run.... for the hills
He's using you.

And to be fair; he told me he didn't want to be with me in June, then 3 weeks later was back at mine saying "I don't know whether I'm madly in love with you, I think about you all the time " etc etc. So sorry if at first I was unsure whether he really meant it this time, or just needed me to stop questioning him.

Yes but using me for what? That's what I don't get - if it was sex, then why would he be content to just hug me and keep his hands strictly above clothes and just resting on my back?

Cherry, you don't need any of this. You don't need to accept crumbs off his plate either.

Read the post from Pony, a couple above yours, as she shows the maturity you should have achieved thus far in life.

This man may be emotionally unsure of himself, confused whatever - but please stop analysing his every word, every movement and stay away. This guy is unavailable due to present insecurities. Don'tchase it.

Did you look into the counselling which lots of posters advised on your previous identical threads?

I'm not saying I'm going to contact him (chase him, whatever you want to call it).

Just thought if you guys could try and shed some light on my questions then it saves me trying to get them from him, doesn't it.

Kelly I've had counselling in the past.

You can't possibly expect anyone to answer how 'a man' would act towards 'a woman' in any given situation. There are no set answers and you can't understand an entire gender. Everyone is different.

I've been in a similar situation, as I'm quite sure have an awful lot of others. I also assume you've got a lot on your plate with caring for your child's needs. You sound lonely and like you need some support, so I'm trying to be kind, but surely you must see that if every single response you've had on here is telling you that he's not interested in having a relationship with you, then the problem may be that you're just refusing to consider that possibility?

Your only other option is to decide that all of the unbiased and independent opinions on here are irrelevant and keep plugging away until he either runs out of patience and cuts you out of his life completely, or he messes up your head even more by stringing you along until he meets someone who he does want a relationship with and cuts you out of his life completely.

keeping his options open, that kind of using!?

But maybe not. Maybe he just thinks he's moved on and would throw his hands in the air if he knew there was so much analysis going on here.

All I'm asking, is as unbiased people, IF he wasn't confused and he was never interested in me, then what WAS he doing bothering coming to see me twice a week for 6 months, when all he got was me arguing with him the minute he walked in the door (and the occasional cuddle)?

This 6 month time period was AFTER we had 'split up' and we had sex twice in that entire time.

So why did he do it? What was he gaining? As most of the time he was here, he was holding his head in his hands, sighing, pacing around and looking depressed! But not leaving.

Well by rights if he's moved on, he will have no reason to see me next week.

If he wants nothing to do with me, then if I asked him to come over next week (and yes I probably will, to talk - not about 'us') then he'll either make his excuses or ignore my text?

It wasn't right for him to say that he's madly in love with you though, not if he clearly isn't. That is messing you about.

So much light has been shone on this break up that the glare must hurt. But I hope you have had a bit of fresh insight? I hope it's all been valuable?

Which is precisely why when he said it, coupled with the stuff I mentioned in my post at 7.32, it got me wondering whether he did have strong/confusing feelings for me.

But yes its been helpful, I'm not ignoring advice just trying to get answers to the other questions I had.

I didn't mean to be patronising - although I guess it was. Sorry.

But I ran out of steam reading all your over-analytic, obsessed posts. Honestly - take the advice that other posters have been giving you!

Either...

-He's so emotionally damaged that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you; or
-He's a manipulative head fuck that enjoys messing you about and he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you; or

• He's a normal bloke who thought he liked you, got to know you a bit better and then realised that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you

Does it really matter which one of those he is? It still all boils down to the fact that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.

I understand your torment honestly, You need to KNOW for certain before you can write him off and move on. But maybe you should write him off and move on not because he doesn't have feelings for you but because it's all too uncertain, and it seems like he is the one with the option to call on you. I don't think you have the option to dial him when you fancy it. So write him off and move on because you should look for an equal relationship where both parties can just text each other when they think of something to say, no worrying about whether they're scaring the other off, or whose turn it is to text. HOnestly I'd write this guy off, feelings or not feelings because you are only ever going to march to the beat of his drum if you get together. You're his option.

Chl0e maybe it's a control issue - on my part.

Over the past 6 months since we split, as I said I've been asking him to come over, he said he was busy/tired/didn't think it was a good idea and everytime instead of accepting it, I'd badger and blackmail him, saying if he cared or has any respect for me he'd come over, and he did.

I suppose I thought by doing that I was controlling him...but then he stopped dancing to my tune and started refusing to come over any time I asked him to.

So maybe it WAS head fuck and he had never been dancing to my tune at all.

shrugs

And that IS what he said he wanted when he mentioned the friends thing; he said "just to be able to text when either one of us has something to say...you know, pleasant conversation, not planned, not argumentative, just acting how friends are supposed to".

But I probably would always be worried that I'd text him too often, or about the wrong thing, or whatever.