Chances of reconciliation with an ex you're 'friends' with?

[cherrysparkles]

Hello, I've just signed up to post this thread, I hope that's ok :)

I read about 'friendzoning' on another forum and apparently, it's bad when it comes to being friend zoned by an ex.

I recently split up with a man I had been seeing for 6 months. We were seeing each other quite casually - as in, we hadn't been seen together in public around our town, as I'm still in the process of going through a divorce (split up a long time ago) and didn't want that reflecting badly on me...despite all that, this man said he loved me fairly early on (within a month) and seemed to be planning for the future; talking about future events he will be attending and mentioning it would be nice for us to go together, and so on.

He spent a while after we split up saying that he doesn't want a relationship with anyone for as far into the future as he can see, but that he liked me a lot, we did continue to sleep together but then both felt awful the next day, and then he told me he was going away for a couple of weeks with work, and needed complete space; I.E no contact for the time he was away. He said he was hoping to see if he missed me, and to work out what he felt for me; whether he wanted to never see me again, just be friends or something more than friends.

I spoke to him yesterday on the phone, and he said he was hoping to see me next week when he was back home, just meeting up for a coffee and a chat then going home to see if we can actually get on (we've been arguing a lot recently, due to his 'confusion'). I asked about how he felt and first of all he said I'm lovely but not for him, then he said he could never say never and that two people could never have a relationship if they can't be friends. He wouldn't say if his actual feelings had changed, just saying that he had made a decision that if he can't have a relationship with anyone at this moment in time, then he can't have his cake and eat it by sleeping with me - which seems fair enough to me.

He seems to want to meet up next week, chat and get on and then just text and stuff as people do, with a view to meeting up "some time in the future...in a week, or two or three, whenever feels right".

He says that he will still be attracted to me, but won't ever act on it. I asked what would happen if he comes to see me and still feels the way he did the last time he came over (which was beginning of August) - the same feelings that were confusing him at that time, and he said he would just try to enjoy the feeling of enjoying my company.

Is this a bit weird? Putting aside the issue of whether the dumped party should be friends with an ex when they still have feelings for them, would it be so bad in theory to meet up with this person fairly regularly but not planned regularly, just chat about casual things and then we both go home having had a pleasant time...is there potential for feelings to develop on his part (if they were ever going to, I know there is only a slim chance anyway) or will he 'friend zone' me and therefore never see me in 'that' way again?

I admit, I'm confused as to how feelings come about anyway - my ex said that he realises now that he has to be friends with a woman before getting involved with dating or a relationship, but can you ever be friends with an ex (genuine friends, with no physical contact) and then rekindle a relationship?

[ladyjadie]

Auntie beat me to it.. but there are at least 3, under varying names..

I remember a song by ForumDonkey being a highlight on one.

[AnneOfGreenGarbles]

Thanks Auntie!

Hmm not sure what else can possibly be said that we haven't already said on this or the previous threads...

[Spickle]

I posted earlier on in this thread and now you ladies are dangling a carrot in front of my eyes - tell me about the janitor, pleeeeeeese!

[AuntieStella]

This poster has denied janitorial angles.

But Spickle I'll PM.

[akaWisey]

I think it's possible that the reason this man is demonstrating conflict over his sexual feelings towards you may be that he is aroused yet repulsed by his attraction to a woman who was abused. It's not unknown and that alone should have you running for the hills.

At the same time you are showing evident signs of very, very unhealthy thought processes such that you cannot see the risks to yourself by behaving in this way. The nature of delusional thinking is such that you will now demand evidence for this in everything you have said thus far. But I'm sorry to say OP everything you have said so far is delusional on your part. Everyone can see it but you.

I have but one suggestion to make. I would strongly urge you to see your GP, tell them what you have told us, do not leave anything out. Show your GP what you have shown posters here. Ask him/her all the questions you have posed here - all of them. Tell it all.

[cherrysparkles]

I have anxiety. It's diagnosed.

[cherrysparkles]

"I think it's possible that the reason this man is demonstrating conflict over his sexual feelings towards you may be that he is aroused yet repulsed by his attraction to a woman who was abused. It's not unknown and that alone should have you running for the hills."

And sorry but where the heck did you get this idea from?!

We spoke about it, he said he's known people who have been through violence in the past and seemed to have no 'repulsion' towards me because of it!

[Spickle]

Many thanks Auntie

[SolidGoldBrass]

Thing is, your past sufferings and present MH issues are not, actually, a free pass to behave badly. Whether or not you have posted similar obsessive rantings about other men in the past, you are stalking and harassing this one and, sooner or later, he is either going to involve the police and the law to keep you away, or he is going to lose his temper and attack you. As he doesn't sound very nice, the latter is possibly more likely. I rather hope he does the former, because if you get arrested for your unreasonable and unethical behaviour, there is a better chance of you being given the psychiatric help you evidently need.

[TotallyBursar]

I think you enjoy playing with fire and the angst and the poor tortured soul posturing.
I think you are so deeply immersed in your own narrative you can't see quite how clearly you are trying to force his hand to the now rather inevitable conclusion. And if you can see it then you're even further down the rabbit hole. Honestly it's like you've been pulled out of a textbook, just a few decades older than most.

You have had hours worth of time and thought from posters here indulging your need, and then accuse them of not answering questions, the answers to which are clearly spelled out. You change tack everytime you are in a position of accepting the bloody obvious.

Nope, you carry on; you can both twitch on the end of each other's string and be oh so romantically Heathcliff about things forevermore. Well, until he gets a better offer of course.
Because you are the one that can't stop jabbing your finger in the wound, he's just your run of the mill abusive type loving playing up to you.

[akaWisey]

Like I said, OP.

It isn't all about you, you, you. My view is about HIM, not you. You keep on and on asking us to tell you what makes this man tick. You can't handle what you hear.

You DO need to see your GP as per my post above.

Off this thread now.

[cherrysparkles]

I told him I would calm it and back off, and I will. He came over last night, I'd asked for 10 minutes but he was a bit late getting here but he was smiling and seem relaxed when he turned up which was a contrast to the previous evening.

We managed an hour of talking about stuff; I'd asked why he said that stuff about possibly still loving me last week, he calmly explained that he felt that way at the time, I interrupted that he's been in love before so isn't stupid, he knows how it feels and he said he didn't; the same "exciting, intense" feelings he has for me, he's had for everyone he's been with in the past - except with me, there's the other side of annoying him so much more than anyone ever has, and causing him to swear more than ever before (my words not his). I said that deeper, loving feelings usually replace the intense ones and he said that's the part he's never had, not even with his ex wife as he married young and just went along with it hoping it would work out.

I did say that he must be scared of me (he interjected with "no I'm not") and scared of being laughed at by everyone in the village if he reported me and they found out he'd been anywhere near me since we split, and he said that wasn't the case. He seemed very convincing, looked me in the eyes when he said it and I had asked for complete honesty for his own sake as well as mine.

He hugged me a couple of times towards the end (normal hug, not a sexual thing) and said he liked me, then at the door he gave me another hug and I said he was clearly pitying me, and I didn't want that - he said "I'm not! I love you..." then trailed off (I guessed the rest of that sentence was going to be "as a friend" but he'd panicked in case I got it the wrong way when he mentioned the L word) so I said "yes I'm lovely, but not lovely enough" and he said "no...I don't know. I'm fucked" and walking to his car.

He also told me he's fine with me texting him to say hello sometimes, all that bothers him is when I text, he doesn't reply quick enough and I text again after an hour or two asking if he's ignoring me.

I really don't think he's abusive, I think he's genuinely confused about everything. He spoke a bit about being stressed and being given too much work in his job too, someone recently left and he's taken on their workload as well, so I think that coupled with the hassle I was laying on, would mash anyone's head up a bit.

I always said I'd back off once I had the chance to speak to him properly, and that's what I'm going to do.

[HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog]

He's repeating himself. The discussion last night is exactly the same as it has been since you split.

He's using the old cliche': 'It's not you, it's me'

To get you off his back.

I think he knows what we all know after your threads. You have some serious issues with relationships/boundaries/behaviour.

He said he doesn't mind you texting him, now & again but not all the time and not to harass him. Which is what you have been doing throughout.

I still stand by what I said up thread btw.

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

Just a question - why do you think it's ok or appropriate to text someone to ask if they are ignoring you? You're a woman in her 40s not a teenager. Your entire interactions with men are messed up. I wonder if you suffered some trauma in your teens or early twenties that damaged your emotional development, so you are still functioning at that level. I honestly, no bitching, believe you need therapy.

[Spickle]

I really don't think he's abusive, I think he's genuinely confused about everything

You're right, he's not abusive, BUT you are.

Get some help cherry.

[cherrysparkles]

Ehric we covered this earlier in the thread. YES I had 'trauma' in my childhood! YES I have diagnosed Anxiety.

And Hotdog - maybe. Either way I'm not going to badger any more.

I believe he's being genuine and not just trying to get me off his back in the sense that he wants me out of his life for good, but time will tell won't it.

As long as I'm not harassing him, whatever.

[cherrysparkles]

Just to add, I'm NOT ignoring all advice and opinion you know. Well maybe advice, but I am taking on board your opinions.

I already said; all the way through this I've been thinking similar to you all in the back of my mind - but hoping that he wasn't just saying anything to shut me up.

Last night when he came round and I brought up the fact last week he'd said "if I'd felt ready to be in a relationship I'd have wanted to give it a good go with you" and I asked if that was an 'it's not you, it's me' type thing and if it was, he needed to be completely honest with me - as sugaring the pill is getting either of us anywhere. He said "No! it's true because I would - you're lovely!" he said in that way as though he was really trying to make the point - can't think of the proper word for it now.

He ALWAYS has the option at times like that to stay silent - it's been his defence mechanism in the past and I rabbit on at such speed that I don't dwell on what I've asked that's provoked silence; I just carry on with the next question. So he could quite easily have deflected the question by going quiet and waiting for the next question, rather than jumping in an vehemently stating that he DID mean it as I'm "lovely".
He knows I don't take compliments well too, in fact I hate them - so he knows saying I'm nice would rankle me rather than make me feel better or shut me up.

As always, I'm wording this shockingly. But hopefully you get what I am trying to say.

Same as hugging me - I don't ask him to do that, I'm not pressed up against him on the sofa or following behind at close quarters when he's about to leave, he moves TO ME and gives me a hug; and does it rather more quickly than I'm used to, as well. Just kind of grabs and pulls me towards him really fast before I have a chance to react.

It's not me forcing it, his choice to do things like that and if you're right and he is trying to let me down gently, well then A) he's going about it the wrong way, B) there's no need and C) all he has to do from now on is ignore any texts I send from now on.

So we'll see.

[HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog]

Cherry, it doesn't matter if he seems genuine or not.

YOU are not emotionally or mentally stable to have any kind of relationship until you get some kind of help. Your thought patterns and behaviour are signs of that.

I hate it when posters try to diagnose on here, but your rambling posts and discriptions of your behaviour are just like my mothers.

She too has had traumatic experiences in her past. I know of yours from previous threads. They are very similar to hers.

She met a man, like yours a few years back. She was possessive, obsessive, abusive and manipulative. She wanted constant declarations of love, constant talks about the relationship.

He tried to break it off numerous times. But he pitied her. She manipulated him into visiting her, then convinced herself they were back together or there was still a future.

There's so much more to this but I don't want to into too many more details.

When he eventually cut contact (a year after the split) she continued to drive up and down his street, turn up outside his work etc.

He called the police on her in the end.

My mum has a long history of mental health problems and has been hospitalised on 4 occasions.

All of this was her leading into another crisis and she was hospitalised again. It's been 3 years since it happened. She still talks about him all the time but thankfully she has help from her psychiatrist and us, her family.

If you think your behaviour is not going to affect your children, your wrong.

My mum has always been like this. I didn't know it when I was a child, I didn't know any different. But I can tell you now, it's very hard seeing her like this.

You need to leave him alone and get help.

[HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog]

Sorry I was meant to say...

The difference between you and her is that she knows she's ill.

She feels shame and embarrassment after the fact. you don't.

Since this man has been out of her life, she has other obsessions. This has always been the case. She always needs something to fixate on.

[cherrysparkles]

I have OCD and Anxiety.

Symptoms of anxiety are obsessive thinking, difficulty concentrating, many more which I realise I display.

I'm not stupid. There was more to my other threads and more to this.

I may seem deluded and that I'm not realising what I'm doing, but have you seen my messages to him? Do you know exactly what I said last night? No.

I DO feel humiliated that I've behaved this way as it ISN'T me. Obviously can't go into details but my other threads? The issue that was being focused on, wasn't actually what I was worried about...oh it's too hard to explain without going into details.

I know that in the week I didn't contact him between last Tuesday and this, I hadn't thought about him and the one time I thought about contacting him or seeing him, I felt like I didn't want to - then I felt sad that my 'feelings' obviously hadn't been real after all.

But this - "She was possessive, obsessive, abusive and manipulative. She wanted constant declarations of love, constant talks about the relationship." - I'm not like that in 'RL'!
I AM easy going, funny, warm hearted, generous, yes I'm stubborn, yes I have a gob on me and am not only very opinionated, but I keep trying to make the damn point when I feel like I have a valid point to be made. I don't let things drop unless I feel I've been understood in the way that I want to be...maybe that's OCD, maybe it's Anxiety but I know it's nothing more as a few weeks ago I went to my G.P, sat there and explained everything that had happened with this man IN GREAT DETAIL to make sure the doctor knew everything, he gave me the sheet with tick boxes for depression or whatever, and diagnosed me with Anxiety.
I actually asked if he was sure it wasn't something more like Bi Polar or worse, and he said he was QUITE SURE that it wasn't anything like that as I was in his words, "quite lucid, and able to explain in detail exactly why you behave the way you do".

I'm not wandering round in la la land thinking I'm doing no wrong! Lol.

I just wanted to believe his feelings may have been genuine - not deluding myself that there's a future, but keeping hope that something can be salvaged out of all that; where's the harm in that? As long as I back off and act 'normally' then as I said - he has his choice to answer my texts, or not.

[HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog]

You don't let things drop, not because you're stubborn, it's because you think you are right. Even if it's glaringly obvious that you're not, as you've displayed throughout this thread.

As for Bi Polar? A GP doesn't diagnose Bi Polar, a Psychiatrist does.
My DM is Bi Polar, it's only a recent diagnoses too and she's 50! Oh and she is lucid and can explain her feelings perfectly well. She's not stupid, she's ill.

You are claiming you're not stupid, but you are behaving like it with this man. You sound immature and deluded if you think it's going to develop into a genuine friendship or future relationship.

If you don't love/like him that much, why the fuck are you doing this?
I know you said it's because you want him to see the 'real, stable' you, but can't you see thats quite insane?

Look, you know, we know, you will continue on this path you've chosen. You are convinced it's the right thing to do.

You're repeatedly doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results with this man.

IT'S NOT WORKING, GIVE UP!

Of course we haven't seen your massages to him, we don't need to. You keep telling us FFS!

Anyway, i'm done.

You're making my head spin, I have some sympathy for this guy, even if he's an arse!

[cherrysparkles]

What I meant was, the GP said there was no reason he could see to send me to see a Psychiatrist. I also sought a second opinion just in case, and that one said the same.

I HAVE been doing the same thing over and over - texting far too much, going to see him, asking him to come round, now I'm not.

Yes I will still text him; maybe in a week or two or maybe longer, depends how I feel.
He always has the choice to reply or not and as long as I don't pester the hell out of him, then I'll know won't I - either he won't reply, or he'll only ever reply to my messages with one text and not ask any further questions/text me first so it'll fizzle out anyway.

So what's the harm in that?

[akaWisey]

So Why, why WHY have you started what is in effect ANOTHER pointless thread if all along you knew what you are going to do anyway?

I know why. You're ill and as another poster has pointed out - a GP is just that - a general practitioner and you need to see a psychiatrist because you are not in control of your thoughts or actions and some poor befuddled arse of a bloke is the recipient of your behaviour.

[happyinherts]

Unrequited love is tough - we've all been there so we do know !

Your thread title makes clear your intentions.

His words makes clear his thoughts on the matter

We all get to the point where we have to admit defeat.

As I learned from wise MN'ers change his name in your phone to 'dont ever text or phone this number deserve better' It helps. It makes you think twice

Leave it now OP - please move on for your own sake

[cherrysparkles]

Why does anyone start threads on here?

How many threads do you know of where the OP has blindly followed the other posters' advice?

I am taking it on board but I don't know any of you, you don't know me, you don't know this guy or the situation.

You can make a judgement based on certain facts given, but look how much everyone's opinion on this man has changed - from "he's confused" to "he's abusive" to "he's an arse/headfuck" and now "he's befuddled, poor bloke".

I know what G.P stands for thanks very much, and how the hell can you state with so much certainty that I'm not in control of my thoughts or actions!

Take the example of going to his place last week; I knew full well what I was doing, I knew he wouldn't take it too well but I was so fucking blinded by the fact I wanted to get my point said and for him to hear it in person that I did it anyway and took the risk. The whole way there I was thinking "shouldn't be doing this, it won't go well" but I carried on, ignored the sensible side of me that was screaming at me not to go and just leave it.

Ok maybe you'll jump on now and say murderers (sorry for using such an extreme example, hoe it doesn't offend anyone) know what they're doing is wrong but do it anyway...but I've never not been able to stop myself from doing anything, that's stupid!

If you want to see how people react to breakups/second chances, feel free to search for a website called Loveshack (US site) - look in the second chances or 'coping' forum and you'll see hundreds of posts from people trying to do 'NC' and saying "oh, like, it's sooooo difficult...help me stop texting this guy please...I can't stop thinking about it...why did he say/do this, do we have a chance etc etc" and making plans about how they're going to 'win' their ex back or whatever!

You're fucking acting as if I'm the only one!

THAT'S what I hate about this place, you ask for advice (I've seen it on other people's threads too, not just this one) and if you don't immediately accept that MNetters are unequivocally right then you are accused of being deluded/naive/a troll/making pointless threads!