Chances of reconciliation with an ex you're 'friends' with?

[cherrysparkles]

Hello, I've just signed up to post this thread, I hope that's ok :)

I read about 'friendzoning' on another forum and apparently, it's bad when it comes to being friend zoned by an ex.

I recently split up with a man I had been seeing for 6 months. We were seeing each other quite casually - as in, we hadn't been seen together in public around our town, as I'm still in the process of going through a divorce (split up a long time ago) and didn't want that reflecting badly on me...despite all that, this man said he loved me fairly early on (within a month) and seemed to be planning for the future; talking about future events he will be attending and mentioning it would be nice for us to go together, and so on.

He spent a while after we split up saying that he doesn't want a relationship with anyone for as far into the future as he can see, but that he liked me a lot, we did continue to sleep together but then both felt awful the next day, and then he told me he was going away for a couple of weeks with work, and needed complete space; I.E no contact for the time he was away. He said he was hoping to see if he missed me, and to work out what he felt for me; whether he wanted to never see me again, just be friends or something more than friends.

I spoke to him yesterday on the phone, and he said he was hoping to see me next week when he was back home, just meeting up for a coffee and a chat then going home to see if we can actually get on (we've been arguing a lot recently, due to his 'confusion'). I asked about how he felt and first of all he said I'm lovely but not for him, then he said he could never say never and that two people could never have a relationship if they can't be friends. He wouldn't say if his actual feelings had changed, just saying that he had made a decision that if he can't have a relationship with anyone at this moment in time, then he can't have his cake and eat it by sleeping with me - which seems fair enough to me.

He seems to want to meet up next week, chat and get on and then just text and stuff as people do, with a view to meeting up "some time in the future...in a week, or two or three, whenever feels right".

He says that he will still be attracted to me, but won't ever act on it. I asked what would happen if he comes to see me and still feels the way he did the last time he came over (which was beginning of August) - the same feelings that were confusing him at that time, and he said he would just try to enjoy the feeling of enjoying my company.

Is this a bit weird? Putting aside the issue of whether the dumped party should be friends with an ex when they still have feelings for them, would it be so bad in theory to meet up with this person fairly regularly but not planned regularly, just chat about casual things and then we both go home having had a pleasant time...is there potential for feelings to develop on his part (if they were ever going to, I know there is only a slim chance anyway) or will he 'friend zone' me and therefore never see me in 'that' way again?

I admit, I'm confused as to how feelings come about anyway - my ex said that he realises now that he has to be friends with a woman before getting involved with dating or a relationship, but can you ever be friends with an ex (genuine friends, with no physical contact) and then rekindle a relationship?

[FatalFlowerGarden]

Read. Your. Posts.

'There are so many things against us'
'He's worried about getting into a serious relationship'
'He doesn't want to have to make the effort' (nice, that's my favourite)
'I keep arguing with him and nagging him'

That's just from the last one!

Listen, and I mean this kindly, because we've all been there with the overthinking at least once in our lives. Get a grip. You are absolutely on a hiding to nothing with this one. It is not a friendship, it is not a relationship. It will never be either of those things. It's not us who can't get the concept here, it's you.

If, if, if and why, why why means the end of something, not the beginning. You need to let it go. Seriously.

[Spickle]

It is not an alien concept. There are a lot of posters here who have been through the same and come out the other side. They are trying to help you not make the same mistakes, but I guess you are not going to take their advice which is why I said earlier that you will learn soon enough through your own mistakes. One day, you can read this thread back and realise how futile your attempts at trying to get him to redevelop his feelings are. He may be happy to be friends at the moment, but long term, maybe not??

Unfortunately you cannot make someone love you and I think he's made it clear that he doesn't love you.

If you can become friends without romantic feelings on either side then it could work. Just think how you would feel if he did meet someone that he fell in love with and wanted to be with all the time and you become relegated to someone he says hello to once in a while. Hopefully, you'll be ok about this and pleased for his happiness, but if you're likely to feel envious or hurt at the change of your status, then I think you will not be able to be friends with this man.

[Spickle]

happyinherts that's exactly what I went through and you have put it so eloquently. OP is going to experience the same if she will not listen to the excellent advice on here.

[FatalFlowerGarden]

^^ this. That's it. This is how it is. It's hard to hear when you're in the middle of something much messier that you still have hopes for but really, this is all there is. Why would you want anything less?

[cherrysparkles]

No that isn't what I want at all.

I've said, I don't know whether I could be with him even if he had wanted to.

I don't know if my 'feelings' are really - as he says they are - that I just want the opposite of what he wants.

If he wasn't bothered, why on earth did he keep bringing up the fact I wasn't affectionate towards him? Why does he keep saying "you keep telling me one minute you want a relationship and then you don't" - why should he be bothered about what I want, if he knows he doesn't want a relationship.

I'm not saying he's madly in love with me, far from it. But when he suggested friends, I said he means acquaintances and he said "no, I mean I don't know what will happen in future; as far as I can see I want to be on my own. I need to be friends with someone before anything more and we can't even be friends at the moment.
I was with my ex wife for years and years and kept trying to give affection and was rejected; I don't want to put anyone else through that nor be in that situation again myself. I like you a lot, but I can't have my cake and eat it any more if I can't have a relationship - with anyone. If I wanted to be in a relationship, I'd want to give it a good go with you as you're great, but I just want and need to be on my own.
Maybe we will be friends for the next 20 years, which would be nice, maybe it will just peter out over the next few weeks or months or maybe...well I don't know as I haven't got a crystal ball and feelings and circumstances change".

Now. I'm not saying that was anything to cling on to at all; but if he wants nothing more to do with me, instead of going into that huge monologue (and he's not a big talker). why didn't he just agree with me and hang up?

[Viviennemary]

I think he doesn't know what he wants. But wants to leave his options open with you. And see how it goes. But doesn't want to commit himself in any way.

I don't think it's worth all this angst on your behalf. (I look back at a time when I did this and think why on earth!) He doesn't seem to want a complete break from you and never to see you again but what else is in his mind who knows. I expect he doesn't even know himself. It seems as if he's trying to tell you not to hope for a secure relationship and future with him. But nobody knows what is in his mind.

[happyinherts]

....the big monologue behaviour...

Listen, I will tell you why?

He wants you to be the one who initiates a break up? It saves him being blunt and saying it outright, but let's face it he's already says he doesn't want to make the effort, doesn't want to have cake and eat it, wants to be on his own etc. LISTEN - TAKE NOTE

Read- Baggage Reclaim. He's just not that into you.

You dont seem to want to take advice from people who have been in your situation. You seem to want to convince us all that this guy wants you in his life. He's twisted. He's a coward.

Sooner or later he is really going to flip because you haven't taken his hint. He is going to insult you to get away because he wil get more and more frustrated. Read that second to last para -- sorry, and I truly am sorry because I've been there, but he is trying to let you down gently.

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

You. Are. A. Head. Fuck.
He. Is. A. Head. Fuck.
Leave well alone. Whether he wants to see you 'as friends' or not.
Leave it alone! You are starting to look seriously unhinged with your endless analysis and speculation.
Just leave it alone. And get some self esteem. Or boundaries. Or whatever it is you're lacking that makes you behave that way.

[Walkacrossthesand]

Also, cherry, it doesn't matter what 'would' have happened if X,Y,Z. You say yourself you're not sure if you'd want a relationship with him even if he did - so hold that thought and run with it. If he wants to come round for coffee, he can, but you sit on different chairs (none of this 'not sitting too close together on the sofa' nonsense); you dont ask him if he liked it better when you were 'together'; you chat about this and that like you would with a friend, you don't talk At All about the nature of your 'relationship'. And if you don't think you can manage that, you make an excuse and he doesn't come round - you meet up in a group with friends. You do have mutual friends, right? And remember - it doesn't matter what would have happened if you'd behaved differently - the way you're behaving now is unhealthy and needs to stop.

[cherrysparkles]

WALK - that's what I was planning on doing - I only have a sofa in my house, but it's big; so I'd be at one end, he'd be at the other and all we would talk about is general stuff, like I would a friend.

That's what I've been saying!

Everyone else - I just thought the same as Viviennemary; that he wanted to keep his options open and didn't really know what he wanted.

[Spickle]

Cherry, I am quoting from your OP:

Chances of reconciliation with an ex you're 'friends' with?

is there potential for feelings to develop on his part (if they were ever going to, I know there is only a slim chance anyway) or will he 'friend zone' me and therefore never see me in 'that' way again?

I admit, I'm confused as to how feelings come about anyway - my ex said that he realises now that he has to be friends with a woman before getting involved with dating or a relationship, but can you ever be friends with an ex (genuine friends, with no physical contact) and then rekindle a relationship?

You are not sure if you want a relationship and he is not sure either, but the above indicates that you want to "rekindle a relationship", not be a "friend".

So, which is it?

[NameThatTuna]

If you don't want a relationship with him, why all this angst and speculation?

Why give a fuck?

[cherrysparkles]

Because I like him! At the beginning, he was lovely - although we have mutual friends I've seen him and his now-ex wife around before we got 'involved', but didn't really know what he was like apart from to chat to in the pub with all of us.

Anyway, as I said; we got involved, he was lovely, if a little bit 'intense'. Three weeks in as I said, we started talking about being in love and moving in together within the next couple of weeks, then I realised it was far too soon and it all went wrong. If he hadn't been so...I can't even think of another word apart from intense and emotional; all the hand wringing type stuff - 'I care about you but are there too many barriers, can I take you on' type stuff followed swiftly by "there is something about you that makes me not want to lose you totally", if he had been more stable with his emotions then he'd be perfect, as underneath all that we get on so, so well. Although as I said, I went loco too.

Spickle - what I meant by that is as I said all along; we've talked in the past about his exes and I've asked if he'd ever try again with them or whether he is the type to think once it's over, it's over.
He said they're attractive women and he can still see that, but the sexual attraction isn't there anymore; however if they wanted to meet up and they both had feelings, then he wouldn't rule out trying again, with any one of his exes.

So, based on that he's not one to say "never again" (although maybe he has with me...)

I was therefore wondering whether - basically, if it's possible for feelings to disappear completely and then redevelop over time.

I used my child's father as an example; I feel nothing for him, am completely neutral. I only started feeling this way back in Feb after we had been split for 2 years, but now I know that I could never, ever be with him again; apart from the fact he was violent, I could never see myself regaining feelings for him, I feel uncomfortable when he's around me, I don't like or want to spend time with him and want rid of him when he's here, asap.

This guy is saying he still enjoys my company (although he hasn't seen me in 2 weeks so maybe he will feel differently now) and wants to keep seeing me as friends; it's just before the sex thing got in the way - as he says he's not 'that' sort of person to have sex with someone, without being in or heading towards, a relationship.

We've discussed this at length before; was he only saying the 'positive' things about his feelings to justify sleeping with me? Was he confused? etc etc.

Going off on a tangent again, sorry.

I just basically wanted to know whether - assuming he had feelings and they've gone completely now, can exes start from scratch effectively; being friends with no feelings and then have some develop in future (and I mean 6-12 months plus in the future). I'm not saying I expected or wanted that to happen, just the possibility - as I have a possibility of feelings developing with anyone, in future.
I'm wording this so badly, but I just mean he says he can't predict the future and never says never, he reckons he wants to stay single fairly long term and isn't looking for anything, but I realise that the right one might come along and sweep him off his feet when he's not expecting it; and I really will be happy for him - sad that it's not me, but not heartbroken.

If we manage to stay friends and he comes over every so often for a coffee and a chat - and we talk AS FRIENDS, no 'us' talk, or anything like that; and we managed to get on for 6/12/18 months or whatever, it was relaxed and nice then could feelings potentially develop? Or is it a case of once they're gone, they're gone - however well two people get on?

Again I'll say, I'm not saying I'm holding out hope. I have no idea how I feel about him for sure, other than I like his company.

If we end up just staying friends forever then that's fine. If it peters out after 6 months...well then fine.

I'll shut up now as I'm not explaining this well at all.

[daphnesglasses]

The issue isn't him it's your inability to let go.
It's OVER
Relationships are a two-person venture. You are not in one. You will no doubt find one with someone else. Not him. MOVE ON!!

[Lizzabadger]

Go no contact.

[PookyWooky]

He sounds like a complete tw*t.

Honey, by all means do the whole friendship thing and see if he will 'fall' for you all over again. Then we can all relive the rollercoaster as he blows hot, cold, intense, withdrawn all over again.

And for someone who doesn't like to talk about his feelings he spends an AWFUL LOT of time talking about them! What a waste of time and energy.

[cherrysparkles]

Hmm, well I've been for assclowns and emotionally unavailable before...in fact my entire adult life.

I suppose I wanted to believe this one wasn't one of those and was genuinely just hurt from his marriage. But it DID end 8 or 10 years ago and he's had about 5 relationships since then (all lasting a year or less) so really, I suppose he should be over the marriage 'hurt' by now. Unless he never really dealt with it and has rebounding since then. I don't know.

[daphnesglasses]

not your problem let him get on with it.

Anyway, hurt from his marriage=my arse. He's not that into you. Sorry but it sounds like a result anyway from your POV as he's a twat. Stop wasting time analysing this person now and move the spotlight onto you and your own life. You could read 'codependant no more' as well

[cherrysparkles]

Ok well he's not into me - but there must be something going on if he's had 5 relationships in the past 8-10 years and they've all ended after a year or less. He did tell me right at the beginning he gets cold feer after a year.

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

#Hmm, well I've been for assclowns and emotionally unavailable before...in fact my entire adult life.#

Good, now I think you are starting to understand what everyone can see and is trying to tell you.

#He did tell me right at the beginning he gets cold feer after a year.#

Please don't flatter yourself (no disrespect) and think you might be able to change this pattern - YOU WILL NOT!
Please remember you have had a lucky escape.

[cherrysparkles]

Well someone will be able to change it, surely? If he was married for 20-odd years then he's obviously not commitment phobic is he.

[cherrysparkles]

And I could always see what you all meant, but I'm just saying that what's the difference between him and genuinely confused men? Or as I asked before...can't men be genuinely confused about feelings and circumstances without being labelled as users or twats?

[BIWI]

Dearie me. I really think you need to get out a bit more, OP! And I mean that very genuinely and kindly.

[cherrysparkles]

Why, BIWI? If I'm missing something (and I guess you're referring to my last post) then feel free to explain rather than just patronising.