Chances of reconciliation with an ex you're 'friends' with?

[cherrysparkles]

Hello, I've just signed up to post this thread, I hope that's ok :)

I read about 'friendzoning' on another forum and apparently, it's bad when it comes to being friend zoned by an ex.

I recently split up with a man I had been seeing for 6 months. We were seeing each other quite casually - as in, we hadn't been seen together in public around our town, as I'm still in the process of going through a divorce (split up a long time ago) and didn't want that reflecting badly on me...despite all that, this man said he loved me fairly early on (within a month) and seemed to be planning for the future; talking about future events he will be attending and mentioning it would be nice for us to go together, and so on.

He spent a while after we split up saying that he doesn't want a relationship with anyone for as far into the future as he can see, but that he liked me a lot, we did continue to sleep together but then both felt awful the next day, and then he told me he was going away for a couple of weeks with work, and needed complete space; I.E no contact for the time he was away. He said he was hoping to see if he missed me, and to work out what he felt for me; whether he wanted to never see me again, just be friends or something more than friends.

I spoke to him yesterday on the phone, and he said he was hoping to see me next week when he was back home, just meeting up for a coffee and a chat then going home to see if we can actually get on (we've been arguing a lot recently, due to his 'confusion'). I asked about how he felt and first of all he said I'm lovely but not for him, then he said he could never say never and that two people could never have a relationship if they can't be friends. He wouldn't say if his actual feelings had changed, just saying that he had made a decision that if he can't have a relationship with anyone at this moment in time, then he can't have his cake and eat it by sleeping with me - which seems fair enough to me.

He seems to want to meet up next week, chat and get on and then just text and stuff as people do, with a view to meeting up "some time in the future...in a week, or two or three, whenever feels right".

He says that he will still be attracted to me, but won't ever act on it. I asked what would happen if he comes to see me and still feels the way he did the last time he came over (which was beginning of August) - the same feelings that were confusing him at that time, and he said he would just try to enjoy the feeling of enjoying my company.

Is this a bit weird? Putting aside the issue of whether the dumped party should be friends with an ex when they still have feelings for them, would it be so bad in theory to meet up with this person fairly regularly but not planned regularly, just chat about casual things and then we both go home having had a pleasant time...is there potential for feelings to develop on his part (if they were ever going to, I know there is only a slim chance anyway) or will he 'friend zone' me and therefore never see me in 'that' way again?

I admit, I'm confused as to how feelings come about anyway - my ex said that he realises now that he has to be friends with a woman before getting involved with dating or a relationship, but can you ever be friends with an ex (genuine friends, with no physical contact) and then rekindle a relationship?

#If he wants nothing to do with me, then if I asked him to come over next week (and yes I probably will, to talk - not about 'us') then he'll either make his excuses or ignore my text?#

Stop chasing him (don't even try to justify the reasons for calling/texting him). Have some self-respect.

Have you ever let someone do all the running?

But why shouldn't I be able to contact him? It's not about chasing; he said when he went away that he would come and see me when he gets back, so why shouldn't be allowed to just send a "hi, fancy a coffee?" text?

As I said, if he doesn't want to, he wont reply or he will make excuses.

wow. that's really honest of you to admit that. I think you can probably see that you need to be in control and that you can never be in control of another human being. If you find somebody you can love, who will just want to be with you because they love you too, then it won't be a control game, unless you make it one. I'm single! I haven't found lurrrrrrve by the way, so I aint sitting in my ivory tower here, telling you off like it's easy to find love. But you know what is easy?! avoiding bullshit and wankers and time wasters........ don't try to push water uphill. And if this man doesn't feel it's right, then it could never be right because he'd be fifty per cent of the equation, always. If he feels you're not compatible then it's just not right.

so he said he was, busy, tired, didn't think it a good idea on top of not wanting to find the effort, have cake and eat it, etc ???

You are coming across as needy, clingy and desperate and it really isnt a good idea.

I tell you what - leave him totally alone for a day at a time until you get six months down the line and then come back and tell us if he contacted you as a friend in that time.

Until then I really think it's all been said

No I know that. I'm not trying to get him to change his mind.

As I keep saying, I wanted to stay on friendly terms as I like his company and he said he likes mine.

And to give it a chance to either fizzle out, or for us to be friends long term, OR for feelings to develop on both sides, if they were 'meant' to. I never wanted to push it or even hope for that to happen.

But I keep saying that and everyone tells me I'm wrong when I say it.

I don't like cutting people out, I tend to try and be polite to people.

Nothing to do with being weak willed, or a doormat, or desperate - we should have worked on friendship rather than getting into a 'fling'.

I know, irrelevant but wanted to answer this anyway:

"so he said he was, busy, tired, didn't think it a good idea on top of not wanting to find the effort, have cake and eat it, etc ???"

He would come over on a Thursday, end up staying the night (but we'd be arguing most of the night as I can't sleep with him in my bed, so would ask questions about why he's so confused etc) and then I'd ask if he would see me the next week to try and get on better...he would agree, then he'd leave at 6am and later that day I'd ask him to come over that night rather than next week. He'd say he's too tired as we hadn't slept the previous night.

Or he'd tell me he could come over on X day, I'd ask him to come over after he'd been to the gym. He would say he'd prefer to come over the following day when he's had a chance to have a shower, walk his dog properly etc.

The not wanting to make the effort was worded as "I don't want to have to make the effort of going out, seeing someone - anyone - every week or having to answer to anybody. I want to be on my own for the forseeable" so it sounded to me like he doesn't want to be tied down.

I'm slightly confused as to how you can like each others company: You've said that you argue all the time, you nag him, he sits in silence with his head in his hands, he tells you he loves you, he tells you he doesn't want to be with you.
That sounds like truly terrible company (from both sides) to me, I'm afraid. In fact, it sounds completely exhausting and draining.

Are you really sure you like each others company and you maybe aren't both a bit lonely and desperate and clinging on to each other just because you're both 'there'? Or maybe the 'relationship' has almost become a habit, a bit of excitement when life gets a bit dull...?

And do you think you enjoy the drama? Does it feel passionate? I don't mean to be rude but I really do think you sound very immature and quite desperate.

You shouldn't call him simply because you seem to be the one doing all the pushing, if he wants to be your friend, he will call you.

I obviously don't know either of you, it's impossible to accurately interpret the situation from this thread alone but you certainly don't sound happy; it really isn't worth all this stress. Life isn't a dramatic romcom, if it takes up this much energy, it can't be worth it.

cherry, I once thought the same as you, hence being able to write on the subject

I try to be polite to people. I don't like cutting people out. I wanted to stay friends with an ex because I saw no reason not to be. I accepted the fact (reluctantly at first) that the relationship had changed and wanted to remain on talking terms. Like you, this guy couldnt really handle emotions, I did not have a falling out with him and I wasnt aware until too late that he wanted out because similarly he was a coward and didn't say outright

In an ideal world we could and should have stayed friend. It isn't an ideal world because both parties don't always really have the same agenda or thoughts and unfortunately staying friends ultimately does more damage than its worth.

If I'm truly honest I'd love him to send a hello, how are you text. It's not going to happen because he wanted no contact. I could text him but I never will because it isnt an attractive trait to initiate contact and keep in touch. You lose dignity, pride, and come across as a sad case. Singing off different hymn sheets I'm afraid.

You can't make someone think the same way as you do.

I can see that you like him and would like things to develop.
I think he also likes you.
The sitting with head in hands and all the dramatics and sighing prove that something is def going on.

So, yes, I think he is coming to see you for a reason, and he will continue to do so.

Qs is, do you want this? Like it is, like this?

I don't have to worry about how often I text my boyfriend. And it is a given that plans are for noth together, he is coming here or I am going there, and that it is ok to rely on him.

Do you want a relationship where you aren't sure, worry, question, have to control etc? That's the question as far as I can see xxx

God, I was like you in my twenties, I'm cringing reading your posts. I'm going to hug DH and thank him for staying with me. I don't know how he did it.

I know that nothing anyone says in this thread will change your mind, so do whatever you feel like. Just try to be discreet, as one day you will cringe when you look back (just like me).

You are yet again choosing to miss the point.
Leave him be and wait to see if he initiates contact. We all know he won't, and you also know he won't. This is why you sound like a manipulative and obsessive bunny boiler.
With respect, you would scare off any normal man. You are way way over the top. For your own sake, you seriously need to stop this deep obsessive thinking. TBH you come across as a bit of a nutter.

But why? But why? But why?
Oh. My. God.

Cherrysparkles
Apologies, my last sentence was very rude. It was said out of sheer frustration with you, but it was wrong.

I think you are a very very strong-headed women, which is a great asset, but why not direct this strong-headedness in to something really worthwhile that will benefit you, like a job/career, hobby etc

Has he met your child op?

You're not going to see sense until he actually takes out the restraining order, are you? And even then you will be whining and wittering how it must be a mistake and he couldn't possibly mean it...

First of all, I'm not offended by perceived 'rudeness'. Secondly, I run my own business thanks very much, so I don't need career/hobby advice from anyone (or to be patronised).

I'm asking 'but why' because everyone is refusing to ignore MY questions!

Sistermonica yes he has met my child, but as a group of friends, not on his own as my child would be confused. However he knows how difficult it can be at time.

I cope VERY well on my own, I was a single parent even whilst my husband was around as he was a useless feck...my life isn't difficult, I don't break down in tears - over my child, my life, my singleness or the man form this thread. I'm not upset or 'tormented' over this issue, while I'm on here of course I'm thinking about it as I'm typing about it! But the rest of the day; he crosses my mind once or twice some days but most days I don't think about him.

You all think he was never interested in me and was using me...although as I said, what for I don't know; it wasn't sex as we slept together twice in 6 months, if it was company/affection through loneliness then I don't see that as 'using', because I was benefiting from that too.

The assumption that he won't contact me; well we'll see won't we, but what do you class as 'contact'? Does a "how are things" text count?
I don't buy into this very old fashioned idea that women shouldn't initiate contact as it is not seen as attractive. I'm not going to change myself to impress or appease anyone so if I want to text him, I will; whether it's seen as 'attractive' or not!

He has the choice to ignore me just as I have the choice to contact him.
I'm not bothering him twenty five times a day, he asked me a question via text the other day and I didn't reply (we'd been talking and I'd already said I was going to bed before he text again asking something), the one time I went to his house was a couple of months back so all those saying I'm stalking him are mistaken.

Cherry, I can see you will do whatever you want.

All you wanted from this thread was for someone to say that "yes, a relationship can be rekindled after a split". Yes it can happen. Also, sometimes it doesn't happen.

None of us can predict your circumstances unfortunately. It may work for you and your ex, it may not.

Therefore I have to come to the conclusion that this thread was unnecessary as there is no right or wrong answer.

Tbh I think most threads on here would fall into that category.

And what I was ACTUALLY asking was can feelings develop between exes way after a split! As in 1 year plus after they have split up, after all feelings have disappeared etc.

Or is it once you've had feelings for someone and they've disappeared completely, you can never regain them.

I'm not saying he definitely had feelings for me or he definitely didn't, was just asking the above question, almost as a hypothetical type of thing.

Yes, Cherry, feelings can develop way after a split.

It happened to me with my current DP. We had a break because I felt he was getting too serious too quickly. Fast forward another six months and a chance encounter brought us back together again. Been together for 2 years now and are blissfully happy.

However, my previous ex is different. I cannot be "friends" with him and there is no contact.

Hence every situation is different.

Good luck. We are here if you need us.

No you're not!

If I decide to try and keep in touch with him and it goes wrong then I post on here, you'll be saying you told me so.

But hey.

I'm not saying I'm expecting anything to happen - friendship or otherwise - or that I didn't have my own doubts all the way through (much of what you are all saying, I had in the back of my mind, and said most of it to him too...but he denied it).

And as I said before, I have no feelings whatsoever for my child's father and know I never will again; when I see him and he tries to spend time with me, I feel uncomfortable - maybe this man feels the same about me or will in the future.

I'm not totally deluded you know; I was just trying to look on the bright side a bit and try to keep things open for now.

Thanks anyway :)

We are here if you need us. Yes, you will probably be told that we told you so. I was told that too. No doubt many other posters have been told. We were trying to help you avoid that, but in the end you have to have these experiences to learn from them. But, there will be good advice and empathy from those who have been there and done that.

I do think a complete break may help both of you decide what his/your feelings are and if you are meant to be together, you will find each other again. He may realise how much he misses you but he won't miss you if you still meet up for coffee once in a while as "friends". Sometimes it takes a complete break to resolve the issues. The risk, of course, is that he (or you!) may move on to pastures new and you can't make someone change their mind just because one of you has.

I hope things work out for you and I am sorry that my posts and other posts have been hurtful. I certainly didn't intend to upset you. You have indicated that you have taken some of the advice on board so that's positive.

agree with Spickle, that when rekindling does happen, it happens after a proper no-contact break, no guarantees obviusly but it's the only way it does happen, from what I''ve seen. Otherwise some exes do drift into friends but it's never proper friendships, which is often fine by them. This is more likely with those who were FWB, not emotional like you (and yes. you both were). Most likely those intentions to be friends will just peter out as it's a 'neither here nor there' type of scenario, and people find other priorities soon.

It's unfiotunate that you live in a small village where you can't avoid him. You can give it a go with friemndly random texts and chats as he suggested, but somehow I don't think you can caarry this off happily, after all this intensity you had with him - and still hjave on this thread. I've bee nthere, OP, you think you aer not obsessed but everything points to that fact, I know from my past that I didn't recognise just how obsessed I was even though eberyone was telling me.

I think you will actually be MUCH happier if you go cold turkey. Be friends with others. If it's really meant to be, he'll find you but withot all this agonising over decisions, this time!

Well I truly can't avoid him. Not in a seeing him around kind of sense, but I can stop texting and not ask/allow him to come round - but if he knows he will always see me in the village (whenever we're both out at the same time we'll bump into each other, it's THAT small!) then he wouldn't miss me anyway would he (if he was ever going to). So just thought I may as well try and be friends with him.

The more I think about it, the more I think it might just be as I said earlier (and as he has been 'accusing' me of all along); and that is 'opposites'.

I know during the times he's said he was keeping an open mind about everything I wasn't fussed about contacting him, and the times he's cut me out like this I'm upset about it.

That also reminded me of an admission I made to him not so long ago; that on the days he was due to come over (post break-up) I was looking forward to it all week and then an hour or so before he was due to get here I started feeling like I couldn't be bothered or almost dreading him turning up; then as soon as I got his text to say he was on his way, I'd really want to reply and tell him not to bother.
It was weird that i reacted that way, and when I told him about it he just used that to illustrate his point that I just want the opposite of what he wants.

So yes, maybe it will peter out from my point of view - even if we carry on seeing each other.

well when you bump into him, you could still avoid him kind of , by saying you are in a rush and just saying hello. He can still miss you in the sense of full contact and spendig time with you - actually just seeing you is not a bad thing.
But if you really CAN'T stop texting or saying no to him coming over, that's not good, even friends manage to say 'no'. Why can't you stop texting? that's a proper attachment/co-dependent thing then. Do you have female friends? I'd switch to those friendships for now until you CAN at least control the urge to text, only then consider light friendship, if you must. Try some physical activity that's draining - I know it sounds simplistic but it really helps with obsessive behaviour by just letting you get out of your head processes for a while..

I didn't say I couldn't stop texting him...I said I CAN :)

Some will call it manipulative, and I guess it is in a way; but as we've had so much bad feeling/negative experiences between us over the past 6 months, I just wanted to see him once or twice to talk 'normally' (nothing about us, just friendly, light general chat and banter, which is something we've rarely done in the past 6 months since we split) and then cut it right back and give us both some space.
We are both at a friend's wedding in December anyway so I will see him then; if he'd had some nice positive experiences with me before then, followed by a couple of month's no contact then maybe it will either give him more of a chance of missing me, or I will feel better after 'redeeming myself' with the positivity and then starting the process of moving on through the no contact.

Wow that was quite garbled but hopefully you get what I mean.