Chances of reconciliation with an ex you're 'friends' with?

[cherrysparkles]

Hello, I've just signed up to post this thread, I hope that's ok :)

I read about 'friendzoning' on another forum and apparently, it's bad when it comes to being friend zoned by an ex.

I recently split up with a man I had been seeing for 6 months. We were seeing each other quite casually - as in, we hadn't been seen together in public around our town, as I'm still in the process of going through a divorce (split up a long time ago) and didn't want that reflecting badly on me...despite all that, this man said he loved me fairly early on (within a month) and seemed to be planning for the future; talking about future events he will be attending and mentioning it would be nice for us to go together, and so on.

He spent a while after we split up saying that he doesn't want a relationship with anyone for as far into the future as he can see, but that he liked me a lot, we did continue to sleep together but then both felt awful the next day, and then he told me he was going away for a couple of weeks with work, and needed complete space; I.E no contact for the time he was away. He said he was hoping to see if he missed me, and to work out what he felt for me; whether he wanted to never see me again, just be friends or something more than friends.

I spoke to him yesterday on the phone, and he said he was hoping to see me next week when he was back home, just meeting up for a coffee and a chat then going home to see if we can actually get on (we've been arguing a lot recently, due to his 'confusion'). I asked about how he felt and first of all he said I'm lovely but not for him, then he said he could never say never and that two people could never have a relationship if they can't be friends. He wouldn't say if his actual feelings had changed, just saying that he had made a decision that if he can't have a relationship with anyone at this moment in time, then he can't have his cake and eat it by sleeping with me - which seems fair enough to me.

He seems to want to meet up next week, chat and get on and then just text and stuff as people do, with a view to meeting up "some time in the future...in a week, or two or three, whenever feels right".

He says that he will still be attracted to me, but won't ever act on it. I asked what would happen if he comes to see me and still feels the way he did the last time he came over (which was beginning of August) - the same feelings that were confusing him at that time, and he said he would just try to enjoy the feeling of enjoying my company.

Is this a bit weird? Putting aside the issue of whether the dumped party should be friends with an ex when they still have feelings for them, would it be so bad in theory to meet up with this person fairly regularly but not planned regularly, just chat about casual things and then we both go home having had a pleasant time...is there potential for feelings to develop on his part (if they were ever going to, I know there is only a slim chance anyway) or will he 'friend zone' me and therefore never see me in 'that' way again?

I admit, I'm confused as to how feelings come about anyway - my ex said that he realises now that he has to be friends with a woman before getting involved with dating or a relationship, but can you ever be friends with an ex (genuine friends, with no physical contact) and then rekindle a relationship?

Dear lord woman without being awful I think you have been dumped. In fact I know you have. And now you are looking for a clue, a sign of anything at all that says otherwise.

Just leave him alone. Let him be. Don't call or txt and after a week definitely don't go around and see the poor bugger!

Your feelings for him will pass I promise.

I've been in exactly the same situation and behaved in my exactly the same way so I know how you are feeling.

But I was very young and silly over it and I don't think you can live fully without a good old fashioned case of unrequited love!

And if it makes you feel any better I saw my ex, the one that got away (as fast as he could pmsl) last year in the supermarket. Didn't feel a thing for him other than slight surprise at his obviously boys only trolley and receded hairline.

And I have aged a lot better than him!

So chin up chuck. It happens to us all at some point but we do get over it I promise.

Chl0e - just read your last post.

This man has brought up so many things in the past few weeks; I mentioned that he had agreed to be open minded and go with the flow regarding me and him, he said "but one minute you say you want a relationship and the next you don't". Then I say the same about him, he then says "but you said you wanted me to be open minded, so I came around with an open mind and you stayed as far away from me as you could, and then argued with me".

He says the things I say (negative things) hurt him deeply, and keeps saying I accuse him of lying, which he says hurts him - I'm not accusing him of lying, just saying he's changed his mind a lot so how am I to know what's real.

He even had a go at me the other day, saying that months ago when we talked about moving in together (when we were 'properly' together), he said "we talked about moving in and I thought it was a really good idea, then the minute I did that, you started freaking out and being horrible to me. It's like you just want the opposite of what I want all the time".

Maybe he just likes a row :/

Reading your last post, put together with your previous posts, you sound incredibly manipulative.

You're constantly attention seeking and creating dramas all the time. No wonder he is running in the opposite direction.

Also your other male friends. Supposedly 'good' friends of yours but they have always had a thing for you.

From what you've said about this man and your male friends, it seems to me like you want these men to fawn over you all the time.

I think your ego is seriously damaging your perspective of what's a normal healthy friendship/relationship.

You sound like hard work.

Overthinking.

Tuna - not at all, I have two friends that I have known (seperately) for ten years, I liked them years back but never told them, we happened to chat one day and both admitted they had liked me back when I had liked them. These were seperate chats, neither of the guys know each other as I met them at different times.

One is single, one isn't and the single one still says he likes me, I still like him but he lives too far away to do anything about it, plus he's a bit younger than me and still has life to live.

I talk to them as friends, I don't flirt or anything like that; they're mates.

well mirry no offence but just don't read.

I dont see the point of either of your posts?

Hang on..Tuna, how does the last post you refer to, make me manipulative?

What's the point you asking me a question OP?

I'll answer you, you'll reply with another loooooong story as to why he acts the way he does, the way you do and so on.

That's ok Cherry I'm not offended (no offence ) Both my last posts are making the same point as all the other posters.

OP, you remind me of how I'd be over a guy when I was 17. No relationship should be this hard work and if it is, its wrong, wrong, wrong.

This is all too much, you aren't good as a couple and you can't be friends, can't you see that? Friends don't behave like this.

My advice? Only date men who bring added benefits to your life, and vice versa.

Stop contact, move on.

Seriously Cherrysparkles - ANY sort of relationship should not be this complicated and involve second guessing etc (men like a simple life, really they do).

A good relationship happens naturally or it will not happen at all.

I think you should stop flogging a dead horse.

I feel addled after the last few posts, but I can laugh about it. I hope you can OP, because it's funny. Can you see that! just participating on this thread has me addled, and thinking who said that he said that she said that he didn't want a friendship. come on, it's funny. It is.

Did you meet the guy you went on the date with yesterday on line/?

Cherry, think about the fact that your behaviour is abusive. There are not very many cases when 'reverse the gender and then see what people think' is appropriate but it is here. This man has communicated in every way he can that he doesn't want to be your boyfriend. You have continued to push his boundaries and harass him and insist that 'you know he wants it really. 'You don't seem to understand that he is not your property, not your project and not too stubborn or stupid to be your boyfriend but that he doesn't want to be your boyfriend. Leave him alone. He is currently spending his time going 'oh fuck she's phoned me again, she's saying she wants to be friends but every time I'm anywhere near her she's crawling all over me, it creeps me out.'

That isn't what happens at all!

Fucking crawling all over him!?

No.

If I'm phoning him so much and he's saying oh crap every time I do, then why doesn't he grow a pair and cut me out completely? He's done it (apparently) with previous exes, with friends that have done him over, I've already said; he has a job in the public sector where he has protection, of sorts, where he could make it very difficult for me to be in touch with him if he was worried that cutting me out would mean I went all stalker on him, he's also part of a union so could get advice that way if he wanted rid of me. How much does it cost to change a number these days? £1.00?

I'm not saying he does or should want to be my 'boyfriend', what I'm saying is he went from 0-60 in 3 weeks, telling me he loved me already and wanted to move in, then I started pushing him away as it freaked me out, he took it another 3 weeks then said he had to finish it as he wasn't emotionally strong enough or something like that.

Then for 4 weeks he said he couldn't see a future for us, there was too much in the way, that kind of thing but he kept saying he had strong feelings for me but was worried they might have just been physical....but then they didn't feel just physical to him as he thought about me "mentally and emotionally too".

He said I am always on his mind....he said he misses me when he doesn't see or speak to me, even when we've been arguing. He said that even when we argue, he just wants to hold me and hug me. (He last said that 2 weeks ago, just before he went away.)

2 months ago he started saying his feelings had all but disappeared, he shouldn't see me again, then I went to see him (as I said before) and he did come to see me again; and was back to the "my feelings never went, I just said that as I was pissed off at the time) stuff.

So then it started with him being confused again and saying all that positive stuff; all the way through this, every time he's been around I've been mostly getting annoyed with him that he's changing his mind all the time and we've ended up arguing.

It's only since he went away though that he's been saying this stuff about only wanting to be friends.

So how has he been telling me loud and clear that he doesn't want to be with me?

I think if someone acts so intensely when they are with you; passionately kissing you and saying "why can't I just be with you? what's stopping me?" and then saying they wish they weren't emotionally messed up...then they could be with me.
He kept saying that since his ex wife, he's jumped into things far too quickly and it's always gone wrong, that he's never had a relationship lasting past a year so what's the point in trying.

Just sounded more 'damaged' than 'not interested' to me.

Sounds like an utter arse, TBH.

But the message he keeps coming back to is "no"

Move on.

Yes, well I agree with that.

But I wondered/hoped whether it might be more "no" because he's not ready for anything rather than "never".

As I said, I'm not pining for him as much as it seems that way on here.

He came round about a month ago and spent 4 hours here saying he couldn't have a relationship with anyone as he was "fucked" and it made him sad, as he thought I was good for him.
I then tried to convince him that he should meet someone - not me - and maybe it's just me that's making him feel messed up. He was denying it but I kept saying he should get out there...next thing I know, he's joined a dating website (I'm on there too, it's a paid one and I had just searched men in my area, he popped up).

I phoned him and he said he had arranged a date for that weekend with someone, our chat the previous night had made him realise he DID want a relationship but I'm not right for him, so he needed to find someone he was right for. That upset me, so I left him alone.

A week later he contacted me, it got round to his date and he said they'd mutually not felt anything but she had gone to the loo, came back and said she was going to go, he felt ok with that so they both agreed not to see each other again. He also mentioned he had a date with another woman for the following weekend, but would come and see me on the Saturday (he didn't say why).

I phoned him on the Sat evening and he asked to come over, I agreed and he told me he had been on that date that afternoon (got home 3 hours before I rang him) and that it hadn't lasted long, as she had liked him (and told him so) but he hadn't felt anything for her. I got cross with him that he wasn't giving these women a proper chance; only seeing them once and not going for a second date, and he said "I only joined that website to try and get you out of me head, it didn't work and I felt nothing for those women at all. So I'm coming off the website".

And he did come off it the next day.

If he had just been after sex from me, then why didn't he pursue things with the woman who was interested in him? He got up the effort to go on the first date which is the biggest hurdle surely?

Was he just messing me around then? keeping me as back up? If so then why come off the dating website after only 2 dates?

What I really mean by that last post, is if he really isn't interested and was either just using me or trying to get rid, then why did he go on dates with those two women and know he didn't feel anything, but with me he's spent 5 months feeling something but not being sure what it is?

Why didn't he just feel nothing? He obviously is capable of knowing his true feelings towards others so why not me?

Why would you want someone who is 'damaged' anyway?

Honestly, it is exhausting just reading all this, so goodness knows what it must be like living it.

A good relationship is not difficult. You don't have to wonder, or second guess, or analyse. It just happens. It's a cliche but it's absolutely true. If it's this much hard work then it's NOT RIGHT.

And SGB is correct. Read your posts back. At best you sound like my secret diary when I was 14 and at worst you sound, well, downright unhinged tbh.

Really, Leave It Alone. You're not star crossed lovers, you're not even friends.

Please let it go, it isn't going to go anywhere.

He's a head fuck. I suspect you are too. You are both behaving like teenagers in your emotional maturity levels. Please, let it go and go and do some hard thinking about what you expect from relationships and men because it's all wrong.

So if he keeps in touch and continues to want to see me?

Fatal - thats my point, it WAS 'just happening' in the beginning.

But there were so many things against us that yes could be worked through individually, but when there are a lot of them, added to the fact he's worried about getting into a serious relationship as he doesn't want to have to make the effort to see someone at set times, AND the fact I've been arguing with him and nagging every time he comes over anyway...would that not put you off?

But I'm just saying why does that mean it has to be over for good? Presuming he wants to (and if he doesn't, he won't) keep seeing me as a friend and we get on well without doing anything physical, then why isn't it possibly that MAYBE feelings might redevelop or get stronger? In 6/12/18 months time of consistently getting on?

And if they don't, we'll be friends at the very least.

Why is that an alien concept to all of you?

Have you read the replies and taken in anything that people have written in reply?

You appear to be ignoring everything and just writing long winded essays.

It's not so much an alien concept, it's just that far more often than not it leads to more heartache than it's worth. One party is usually far more invested into pursuing the friendship / relationship and you really cannot make someone be your friend.

I've been there. I took rejection badly, over analysing things, like you are. I wanted to remain friends for two reasons a) I thought it civilised behaviour. If you can share what we did, surely a hello, how are you isn't out the question and share a coffee b) I couldnt face him walking away (no arguing involved - he couldnt handle emotion) I wanted the break up on my terms, just be friends and then phase it out gradually.

If I'm honest, I didnt want to break up with him at all, but this is what I learnt and you must too - if someone really wants to be with you, they will move heaven and earth to do it. Some people are cowards, they cant say the actual words, hope you get the hint and if you don't they become frustrated and flip. This man is in danger of this because you do sound a bit manipulating. You are going to have to give up on this, leave well alone because all this isn't making you happy, is it? Neither is it helping you move on.

You will, in time, come to the realisation that a one-sided relationship can't happen. Please don't waste your time and effort on him. He really isnt worth it. However all the mums on mumsnet cant make you see that. You have to see it yourself and one day soon I hope you can.