Chances of reconciliation with an ex you're 'friends' with?

[cherrysparkles]

Hello, I've just signed up to post this thread, I hope that's ok :)

I read about 'friendzoning' on another forum and apparently, it's bad when it comes to being friend zoned by an ex.

I recently split up with a man I had been seeing for 6 months. We were seeing each other quite casually - as in, we hadn't been seen together in public around our town, as I'm still in the process of going through a divorce (split up a long time ago) and didn't want that reflecting badly on me...despite all that, this man said he loved me fairly early on (within a month) and seemed to be planning for the future; talking about future events he will be attending and mentioning it would be nice for us to go together, and so on.

He spent a while after we split up saying that he doesn't want a relationship with anyone for as far into the future as he can see, but that he liked me a lot, we did continue to sleep together but then both felt awful the next day, and then he told me he was going away for a couple of weeks with work, and needed complete space; I.E no contact for the time he was away. He said he was hoping to see if he missed me, and to work out what he felt for me; whether he wanted to never see me again, just be friends or something more than friends.

I spoke to him yesterday on the phone, and he said he was hoping to see me next week when he was back home, just meeting up for a coffee and a chat then going home to see if we can actually get on (we've been arguing a lot recently, due to his 'confusion'). I asked about how he felt and first of all he said I'm lovely but not for him, then he said he could never say never and that two people could never have a relationship if they can't be friends. He wouldn't say if his actual feelings had changed, just saying that he had made a decision that if he can't have a relationship with anyone at this moment in time, then he can't have his cake and eat it by sleeping with me - which seems fair enough to me.

He seems to want to meet up next week, chat and get on and then just text and stuff as people do, with a view to meeting up "some time in the future...in a week, or two or three, whenever feels right".

He says that he will still be attracted to me, but won't ever act on it. I asked what would happen if he comes to see me and still feels the way he did the last time he came over (which was beginning of August) - the same feelings that were confusing him at that time, and he said he would just try to enjoy the feeling of enjoying my company.

Is this a bit weird? Putting aside the issue of whether the dumped party should be friends with an ex when they still have feelings for them, would it be so bad in theory to meet up with this person fairly regularly but not planned regularly, just chat about casual things and then we both go home having had a pleasant time...is there potential for feelings to develop on his part (if they were ever going to, I know there is only a slim chance anyway) or will he 'friend zone' me and therefore never see me in 'that' way again?

I admit, I'm confused as to how feelings come about anyway - my ex said that he realises now that he has to be friends with a woman before getting involved with dating or a relationship, but can you ever be friends with an ex (genuine friends, with no physical contact) and then rekindle a relationship?

[cherrysparkles]

I'm fine on my own - always have been.

I'm not looking for a solution to my problems or clinging to anything.

I like the guy, don't know if I want a relationship with him - or anyone - but enjoy his company, that's about as far as it goes.

solidgold - I'm not saying you're wrong, but isn't it ever possible then for a man to be genuinely confused about things or scared of getting into another relationship? Why is they always get labelled as game players or not interested?

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

Yes, he might be genuinely scared, cherrysparkles, but that in itself places him in the category of "not interested". Yes? If he is genuinely scared of a relationship, then his fear wins out over his desire to be with you.

The result, for you, is the same: a man who does not want a relationship with you. Agonising over why is only so much headfuckery. Move on, do your thing. If he gets over his fear, he will find ways to seek you out and tell you so. But in the meantime, it is far better for your emotional health to just back off, cut contact, heal, stop overthinking, and get over your emotional investment in him, because otherwise you will only be causing yourself pain.

[cherrysparkles]

Yes I agree with that.

But he hasn't seen enough of me and doesn't know me well enough (when we were 'together', we either talked about really deep stuff or the surface things, nothing in between) to make a favourable decision towards me...in the future once he's ready for a relationship... I'm in no way saying that even if he was in 'that place' and wanting a relationship that he'd choose me, but I thought staying in contact and seeing him occasionally would be a way to let him see the more positive side of me and then I could back off once we'd had a few positive meetings. That's all I was planning.

We will cross paths for the forseeable future anyway as we live in a small village as I said, so I will always see him to say hello to. I just wanted a few chances to have a laugh together rather than the constant agro he has had off me recently.

[gingerpig]

but all this planning means you are still trying to manipulate him into some sort of a relationship, be it friends or more.

it doesn't work like that. friendship will happen if it's meant to, not because you create a favourable (and artificial) climate for it.

[zombiesheep]

OP would you please listen to yourself.

[mirry2]

OP how old are you? You sound as if you're living out a teenage fantasy

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

"I thought staying in contact and seeing him occasionally would be a way to let him see the more positive side of me and then I could back off once we'd had a few positive meetings. That's all I was planning."

For goodness sake drop all of this utter nonsense.

Put your energy in to something worthwhile and positive.

There's far too much manipulation in this whole scenario, and for what -to prove that you are really an okay and normal individual?

You do not have to prove yourself to anyone, so for your own good, let this go and for God's sake try to get a grip on normal life and normal friendships.

[CinnabarRed]

But he hasn't seen enough of me and doesn't know me well enough

Yes he has and yes he does.

[Spickle]

Been in a similar situation, desperate to remain "friends" after an intense relationship. We remained "friends" for 15 months, then he met someone else, phoned to let me know and that was the last contact we had. I look back now and know that being "friends" wasn't good for me. I was devastated when the relationship ended and thought we could continue a genuine friend relationship, but he was just dangling a carrot which meant I didn't and couldn't move on. He had tired of me and had agreed to remain "friends" for my benefit. The fact that we are no longer in contact finally enabled me to see the truth - he was never a friend.

Until you see the light, no-one can advise. It is your decision and you will learn from the mistakes made.

[cherrysparkles]

Yes but he's good friends with two of his exes - not meeting up, but occasional contact through text and things like that. I know this, as we have mutual friends.

Why would he drop me?

So basically any man that seems confused about his feelings and is emotionally scarred or whatever you want to call it - isn't really 'damaged' and is just pretending?

Or every man that says he wants to remain on good terms with an ex is lying and only saying that to placate the 'dumped party' or seem 'kind'?

As that's what you seem to all be saying...

[Chl0e]

if he has two exes he's friends with I don't think he's damaged no!

you say he doesn't know you well enough to know that you could be friends. well, you can't know him well enough to know that he's worth all this analysis then.

if you see him in the village just say a friendly hello and if you're walking towards each other I'd say "sorry, can't chat, i'm running late, hope you're well!".

[meditrina]

"Why would he drop me?"

Because he does not want a relationship with you

[cherrysparkles]

Chl0e what do you mean? About not being damaged if he's friendly with two of his exes?

[Chl0e]

I thought you were wondering if it was a sign that he was damaged and that that was why he doesn't want to be friends. But I think that that's very unlikely. I am capable of being friends with a couple of exes, but that doesn't necessarily mean I can be bothered. I have friends. I want to either meet new people, or socialise with the friends I already have. I can't spare the time to be friendly with exes. So I understand really.

[Chl0e]

I mean, he is friendly with two exes, so he is capable of leaving a relationship without bad feeling. But then again, maybe he's stringing them along, but I don't think so because he's not stringing YOU along. I think he's been fairly honest with you! He doesn't want a relationship or a friendship and in a way I admire you that you have a healthy enough self-esteem that you can't process that information. I would be listing off all my own flaws! But channel that confidence. If he doesn't want you, he's not capable of really appreciating you. I know it sounds like a trite platitude but as I get older I am less prepared to waste a second on somebody who is meh so so about me. I am not going to push water uphill and try and convince them to get me, to value me. They either do, or they don't. And I've been single for years, but still I just haven't the energy for relationships where the other person is doing you a favour or giving you a trial period.

[cherrysparkles]

No, he says he wants to be friends - we were on the phone the other day and it cut out three times, all three times he text me back to say he hadn't hung up and he rang me back.

He doesn't like talking on the phone, especially about feelings etc (which is what we were talking about this time) and usually if the phone cuts out it's because he's hung up on me, and he certainly never phones me back, so this time was different to usual.

Not saying that's proof of anything in particular, but if he doesn't want to remain friends/isn't interested in me, why would he bother phoning me back THREE TIMES when the phone cuts out because of signal?

Another thing is I text him about a week ago; something boring about me and him and how he changed his mind, he didn't reply so I didn't contact him and then three days later, he replied with a long text answering my questions.
I hadn't contacted him during that time so really if he didn't want to be in touch with me, he had every chance then not to reply, didn't he?

Some may say he was just being polite but trust me, there was a time in the past when we had a huge row, (a few months ago), and he decided he didn't want to contact me ever again as we were "definitely finally over" and he DID ignore my texts, for about a week. And he only started replying once I'd gone to see him in person. So he has the capability to ignore...and ignore...and ignore if he wants to.

[cherrysparkles]

Chl0e I'm really not 'saving myself' for him in the hope he will suddenly decide I'm the one for him, trust me.

I went on a date this afternoon in fact and we got on well, but there was no spark unfortunately.

So I DO get that sometimes, someone just isn't right for you.

I just think that there WAS something between us; at the very least, a good friendship.

[cherrysparkles]

Oh and sorry for all the posts but Chl0e - where did you get that he's said he doesn't want a friendship?

[Chl0e]

oh, maybe you didn't say that. Maybe he never said it. But it seems I saw it in my crystal ball, and in my tea leaves!
also, in your last post you say he can ignore you all week quite easily.

This much analysis is pointless. you say you were out with somebody else. that's good!

[cherrysparkles]

Yes, he's done this "we won't work/I don't want a relationship thing before", then ignored me for a week (after a dramatic "I can't keep doing this to youuuuuu!" type message), then I went to see him, he came to see me, then he started saying (again) he doesn't know what he wants as he doesn't want a relationship but there's something about me that he can't stay away from, and now we're back to where we are now.

I don't know, whatever. I've bored myself now.

FYI thought I've been talking to other men all along, the only time I stopped was when we started seeing each other 'properly' and he said he didn't want to share me, so I stopped dating other men.

I have a couple of long term male friends that have expressed an interest in me many times over the years, one lives down South now but we'll be meeting up when one of us is near the other (probably Xmas time now), so I'm not cutting out all other options to chase this man...I just wanted to keep friendly with him that's all.

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

"I thought staying in contact and seeing him occasionally would be a way to let him see the more positive side of me and then I could back off once we'd had a few positive meetings. That's all I was planning."

THEN YOU SAY:

"I'm not cutting out all other options to chase this man...I just wanted to keep friendly with him that's all."

Which is it?

[Chl0e]

I used to be like you. and then I read he's just not that in to you and I also read a book by sherry argov. i'm sorry to say that I regret my early years, the delusion, believing that I could win someone round, make them feel differently about me.

Honestly, HOW MANY TIMES have you met somebody, gone out with them, broken it off with them and then changed your mind and taken them back because now you know them better?!

I aint judgin' you. You're the one who had a date yesterday! I keep meaning to try and date.

[Chl0e]

keepcool it could be both! but I guess the man is intuitive enough to know that sparkly isn't ho hum enough about him to be friendly. A big row means injured feelings. Feelings aren't injured by somebody you don't feel for. It aint rocket science. He knows one way or another that your feelings for him aren't inclined towards friendship. Your plan, although entirely human, and I've hatched similar plans myself in my youth, is not really honest with yourself, and he knows that before you do.

[mirry2]

Op you're going round and round in circles in your head and it's coming across as an obsession.

[cherrysparkles]

keepcool - both. I said before; I like the guy, our interests (quite alternative), basic personalities, beliefs etc fit together really well, it's just his constant flip-flapping that confused me, and I don't handle confusion well. I became naggy and always asking him what was going on whenever I saw him, so then he'd get annoyed and - well you know the rest.
As I said, all the way through I've been talking to other men, I have these two friends that are interested in me but are also proper friends (they even offer genuine unbiased advice on my relationship stuff which I think is amazing for them to be able to do), I went on this 'date' today...

But I wanted to keep friendly with him, have him be able to come over once in a while for a coffee and a chat and still talk to other people as well, as he could; as we're both single. I wouldn't want to kiss him, have sex with him or anything like that, it'd be strictly platonic and if feelings developed in future for him towards me then great, if not then we'll have a good friendship there hopefully. OR something could happen with one of these other men I'm chatting to, or he could meet someone.

That's all I've been meaning all along.

Chl0e - I see your point, it's just as he says, he never says never and if circumstances were right (with anyone else he's been out with too in the past) then he'd be willing to try again if the feelings were there; which yes is a bit of a cliche, but surely also true.

I get feelings disappearing; when I see my ex, I feel nothing and would never, ever want to get back together with him.And this is the man I had a child with.

BUT this man put up with so much from me over the past 6 months, things that a lot of men wouldn't. So he's either a very, very patient man or there was something there between us.
And before anyone says sex was keeping him coming back; I have issues around that due to my past. He knows that, so the majority of times we either started to have sex but stopped a few mins later, or we just didn't.