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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating thread 62 .. All welcome

999 replies

Kirstywirsty · 20/08/2013 16:37

The Rules

  1. Develop a thick skin;
  2. Do not invest emotionally too soon;
  3. It's all BS until it actually happens;
  4. Trust your gut instinct;
  5. People vanishing, lying and being generally weird to you are not your fault
  6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you
  7. If it's not fun, stop
  8. loo update is mandatory
OP posts:
Secretservice · 31/08/2013 00:43

Just so sad. Just got back from going to the theatre by myself, because I couldn't find anyone to go with and it was a birthday present arranged by DD2 which she had to really think about to sort for me, so I had to go.

I'm 49 on Sunday and in all that time I have made no lasting friends and am apparently so vapid, or mean or whatever that I cod not find one person who wanted to sit next to me for a couple of hours at a sold-out West End show.

Moanranger · 31/08/2013 00:44

Secret post & tell us what's going on we're here to listen & help.

Hi, Fred Smile
Meet Up guy & I are in love - though he tends to whisper it in a tiny voice. I have banished DCs for 5 days so that we can wander around the house naked & hug - love it! I seem to be surrounded by love & kindness at the moment - got the most amazing phone call at work today thanking me effusively for my input on a voluntary project and my favourite & very talented plantswoman is going to make the hour plus trip down to visit me & help lay out my garden. Much woo, I guess & hope it spreads to the rest of you.
JM commiserations - young people can be little s*s sometimes.
Bant you make me laugh

Secretservice · 31/08/2013 00:48

And now I'm so shot to pieces, I think moudering strangers on t'web is a good idea, but I just can't keep being upbeat, pretending life's fine when I'm working 8/9/10 days on the bounce to ensure DD1 gets to uni next month while her fucking dad us stealing fucking sieves from my house

Moanranger · 31/08/2013 00:51

SS oh, I am sure that is not true. For one thing, your daughter' love shines through in the gift? I hope at the very least you enjoyed the show.
As far as finding a companion, that is less a reflection on you than on how busy we all are and how hard it can be to fit things in.
Tell us about your friend situation generally. Do you think that you have too few? Are your friends self- centred?

Bant · 31/08/2013 00:55

Secret - I think all of us have been in similar situations. If its any consolation at all, I always like reading your comments.

There was some talk a dozen threads ago about actually meeting up in person. I'd be up for that if I'm around. People on here kind of feel like family now.

Secretservice · 31/08/2013 01:02

Yes my kids love me, but thenthey're wired to I suppose!
I have no friends to speak of, drinking work buddies at best. I thought I had friends until STBXH moved out - for the first time - last summer. Not one person called me to see how I was after I'd told them. Not one of the 3/4 people I have known considered friends since I was a student

There's no one I can just cry on, to give me a hug and tell me it will all be ok. I don't want to cope anymore

Secretservice · 31/08/2013 01:07

God I sound so self-centred, no wonder I don't have friends. Thank you Lovely moonRanger

And Thank you Bant and yes pathetically it does make a difference

Bant · 31/08/2013 01:13

You don't sound self centred, you sound like someone who's been let down by people and is understandably upset.

Have you tried doing something like MeetUp? There must be a bunch of other people in your position. I still struggle to catch up with friends when I've got my DC, which is pretty much all the time I'm in the UK - and I don't meet any new ones because I'm not getting out much. And most of my social circle vanished when I split with my ex..

Bant · 31/08/2013 01:16

What was the show, incidentally?

Secretservice · 31/08/2013 01:17

Sorry there's an and missing and all names should bold.

I'd love a meet-up

Really pleased for you and Mr meet up, and the other woo-positive stuff and I hope Lovely can sort out her a ironman dilemma.

lovelybunchofcoconuts · 31/08/2013 01:19

No secret, you are not being self centred. Being on your own is sometimes great but often it sucks shit through a straw.

I wish I'd known you had a ticket going, I would have come with you!
I know what you mean about no friends, I have friends but they are all paired up and it can be incredibly lonely at times.

BillMasen · 31/08/2013 01:19

secret. It's no reflection on you when friends let you down after a break up. I had it happen to me and my friends group is smaller now than it was when I was married. Or actually, smaller than I thought it was as people who drop you quickly at times like that aren't real friends. It still hurts a bit though.

We all have times of feeling a bit isolated. From what I see on here you're lovely, and I'm sure it won't be like this for long.

Secretservice · 31/08/2013 01:25

I've looked into meet-up, even asked on here, but nobody answered! There doesn't seem to be anything in my area. It's not helped by me working in London and living elsewhere so have to spend 1/2 nights away do when I am home I feel I should stay in with the kids- they don't feel the same way though!

It was West Side Story, so not quite West End, that was exaggeration for effect!

I'm going to so regret thi in the morning. Once the headache's cleared

lovelybunchofcoconuts · 31/08/2013 01:27

secret your kids are not hard wired to love you! Go to any of the parenting message boards on here and you will see that for yourself.

When my Dad died my former MIL said 'some days you will feel you can't cope, those are the days when you have to put one foot in front of the other. By the end of the week you will have got somewhere' she's right and when I'm down I remind myself to just keep moving forward.

Have a hug and Thanks from me.
And help yourself to Wine or Brew.

lovelybunchofcoconuts · 31/08/2013 01:28

secret whenever you asked I didn't see it because I would have seriously come with you, I love West Side Story and I've always wanted to see it but never have. Darn.

Secretservice · 31/08/2013 01:30

I did ask on here Coco!

I guess you're right Bill, welcome back. I think it hurts more as these were my friends, never really our friends. I felt as if I was contagious or something. And thank you

lovelybunchofcoconuts · 31/08/2013 01:34

secret people can be arsehats, when my marriage ended I really found out who my friends were.
People get caught up in their own lives and I think sometimes that they also don't know or even forget what it's like when a serious relationship ends.
And this is not like being single at 20, you can't just go down the pub after a break up and snog some unsuitable student type to help you forget. Now I'm older meeting people takes proper effort, planning and a new outfit.

KinNora · 31/08/2013 07:27

Secret the breakdown of my marriage meant that I lost an entire group of friends up north that I'd known since I was a teenager, admittedly in retrospect, I don't really think they deserved to be called friends but sometimes thinking about what I lost makes me feel very sad.

Send me a pm if you like, I'm in the south east, within 25 minutes of Kings Cross, or will be when I travel back darn sarf later today - pah. Chin up, chuck xx

OhWesternWind · 31/08/2013 07:48

Secret you are just lovely. It's no reflection on you at all and I think there are so many of us in the same situation. I struggle a bit friends-wise as I've found it difficult to make new friends when I moved back home - seen a few old friends once or twice but nothing has come of it. I've lost most of my old friends from where I used to live - of the ones that stayed friends with me after the break up, there are only a couple who've bothered to stay in touch even though I really tried to keep things going after I moved. It's very hard.

But like I said, you always sound so lovely on here and I look forward to you posting. Hope things are looking a bit brighter today. Please don't regret posting on here. We all need a bit of support sometimes.

A thread meet up would be fabulous!

Just got back last night off a wonderful holiday (me and the children). Knackered but happy. Will catch up with you all soon.

kittykat10 · 31/08/2013 08:05

Secret.

I know how you feel about the close friends, I don't think people understand that some one don't have friends. I have people I text and one is a good friend but we live 120 miles away and in 4 years we never met but in last 8 months he lent me money, but no one I could call now and talk to be hugged by.
But what I'm trying to say we are hear for each other on here , may not be ideal but in last couple weeks I feel like I've made friends,...

kittykat10 · 31/08/2013 08:08

Pressed send to quick !

3rd date with Mr car today , it's another day date which I'm really liking as they fun and relaxed.
Although I'm not relaxed woke up having palpitations lol

Maybe day dates the way to start !

Flipper934 · 31/08/2013 08:37

How are you feeling this morning, Secret? I feel exactly the same, sometimes. I think that's why this thread has been running for so long - it's hard to meet people in this day and age, for friendships or dating, so we have our online friendship group.

Snapespeare · 31/08/2013 09:09

secret I would have absolutely gone to west side story with you if I didn't have prior arrangements. Please don't feel sad. :) this is a normal and natural stage, post relationship where you recalibrate and find new people. When XP left, I spent entirei Sundays in the cinema on my own watching 4 films back-to-back (awful films!) because I had a season ticket to the local cinema, no-one to go with and didn't want to sit in the house alone. It's a positive thing that you went on your own.

coco is wise. Sometimes you just have to nail on a smile and get on with it, but with the recognition that it's ok to feel a bit sad sometimes. People you trusted enough to have children with and agree to grow old with fuck up and fuck off. That isn't a reflection on you...and it's important to keep that little flame of hope burning and nurture it, or we all end up cynical, unapproachable and alone. No-one is alone. We have the Internet.

I'm up for a meet-up. You have all been so supportive when I've needed a hand-hold and gloriously happy when I've had wonderfulness. I do consider you my best on-line friends.

Secretservice · 31/08/2013 09:30

I'm sooo sorry. You are all so lovely, and I really should have learnt vodka without food is not a good move!

I really am so grateful to you all - theres nothing like sitting in a packed theatre next to the only empty seat in the house to scream Milly Mateless to the world!

This might not have come through last night - but I loved the show, despite being sickened by all that love and stuff!

Bant and Bill thanks for reminding a penis does not a bastard make and saying such lovely things

Coco and Moan thank you for being night owls and sticking around while I sobbed - be grateful I'm only a sprite - you'd have had very wet, smeary shoulders otherwise!

Oww glad you enjoyed your holiday, and now have Alpha to look forward to - hope his news is good

Kitty hope you have a lovely time!

Nora and everyone else who realised some friends weren't actually, I am quite sure you handled it with a mite more dignity than me!

I love you all xxxxx

kittykat10 · 31/08/2013 09:31

Maybe we could say what area we are in and have local meet ups ?

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