How to stop wanting someone you can't have?

[timeforanothernewname]

Really tiny problem compared to most on this page, I know.

He's a really, really good friend, and I'd be very sad to lose that, so I don't feel that nc is an option I'd like to take. It's definitely never going to happen, although I've very often felt that there is a strong mutual attraction (never discussed). It's been a long time, and I was happy to go with it whilst it was just an inobtrusive fantasy, but now I often find the impossibility of it all getting me down. :( I'm loath to use the 'love' word but there's definitely a big emotional element, it's not just "I want to shag you" stuff.

I'm aware there's a school of thought that says that these kinds of thoughts only persist because I am choosing to remain engaged with that fantasy. I can see some truth in that. I also don't know how to stop. I don't think I want to be in a relationship, with anyone, so I don't imagine meeting other people would help (or be viable - no time, no money, no childcare).

Why can't you have him, precisely?

Why not? Either of you married/attached?

Yeah, he's married. Sorry, I didn't mean to drip-feed, but I'm definitely not planning on any home-wrecking and I wanted to avoid igniting any 'the OW shall have no sympathy' sentiment. Am def no OW.

no advice but know how you feel, i had a thread about him actually. totally get the hanging onto the fantasy thing but how to stop it i don't know.
mine is not married but far away, think about telling him all the time. to be honest even if he did get married don't think i would give up hope or stop loving him. its sad

getting with other people doesn't help either. sorry im not much help but i had my ds with ex and was with someone else for 3years, didn't change how i feel about the one that got away

No, you are helping - feeling less pathetically alone helps.

we can be pathetic together
i could put a stop to mine by telling him, but i think he already knows anyway. the pain of losing him completely would be worse than the pain of loving him and not having him. i can't bear to lose the tiny bit of hope that I've got, i wouldnt be the same without it I've had this for so so long

Sorry OP but if there is a strong mutual attraction then no contact is the best way to go. I'm writing from experience.

Throw yourself into other things. I've just started a new job, put myself in for a 10k run and started reading again. It's all helped.

Are you friendly with his wife?

I'm in the same situation, I feel your pain. No advice though.

Another in same situation and I can't get away from seeing him. We have actually discussed it so I now know it's mutual but neither of us wants to betray even though after reading some of these posts on this forum perhaps it is already a emotional affair.

I am a client of sorts of his and I am tied into a 3 year contract, he could leave however at anytime.

I have no idea how to get him out of my head and get over this.

MexicanHat - I've met his wife a few times, and gotten on well with her I think. But not 'friendly' as such.

I so much don't want to go nc. Mainly because the good stuff (lots of laughter, intellectual stimulation, feeling understood) would be an enormous price to pay...and also because, as Castro says, the pain of losing him completely looks greater.

Gosh. Lots of us!

Actually OP seeing him got more painful for me. He was all I could think about and it became all consuming.

He has tried to contact me several times and wants to be friends but I can't. I've met up with his OH for a drink several times and we get on great. Being closer to her makes me pull away from him more iykwim?

Longing for the one that got away is painful and sadistically enjoyable. You probably have a highly idealised version of this man in your mind, one he could never live up to.

Chubfuddler is right, you probably do have a highly idealised view of this man. I also wanted someone I "couldn't have" (emotionally not physically, he just couldn't commit). After years of off-again-on-again I finally decided I wasn't going to wait around anymore and I was able to put all the feelings I had for him in a box and just leave it there. I still felt those things at first, it wasn't easy and in the end I just felt them less and less everyday. After I shut off and looked at him cold and hard, I just didn't want to go back despite many chances and promises. We had long periods of NC.

I'm happily married now and every now and again I think of him, we even have coffee once in a blue moon. And yes, I do still have some level of feeling for him (I suppose? It's a very complicated friendship/love without physical attraction/regretful nostalgia) but I know that he was never right for me. My husband is right for me.

I think some period of NC would be helpful for you. Just to sort your head out.

Thanks.
'Sadistically enjoyable' is a useful phrase. I'm going to keep that in mind and check myself against it at tricky times- "am I doing/thinking/feeling this because I'm finding it sadistically enjoyable" type thing.
I should try (harder?) putting it all in a box...

I think it's quite possible I have a highly idealised version of him- but I'm also mindful that he's a close friend and I know him really well. Obv I don't know his irritating domestic habits etc, I know. There's not a lot of thinking to it, if that makes sense - I don't have even a vague fantasy of what exactly I think I would like to happen. And I suppose raw feeling is harder to deconstruct. Which is quite likely why (subconsciously) I opt for feeling over thinking...

Thanks. Food for thought.

Gosh I am depressed now reading some of you have these feelings going on for years. Mine has only been since about March of this year but really intense since about May. I was hoping it would get better soon so I can get him out of my head and see if I actually want to leave my DH anyway, not for reasons the grass might be greener.

I have a question, is it possible these feelings are actually love or just fuelled lust?

Annoying, rather.

and yes it is a bit depressing how long it can last.

I don't know the answer to your question. I guess it could be both or either, depending on the particular context. For me, I love him and desire him.But sometimes it is only one of the two.
For me it helps that I love dh and want to stay with him. No question of that in my case.

I wonder what his wife would make of all this ? Has she done anything to deserve all this stimulating, laughter and understanding her husband is dishing out elsewhere? Wonder how much of that she gets from him.
I think you should back off ASAP and if you can't control yourself nc is the only way forward.

I think sometimes there is just nothing you can do.

With me, we were together for years, and somehow we just never managed to make it to the 'getting married' stage, to the point that I realised I could not continue and had to leave.

Even a year later, and, I suppose, I had 'checked-out' of the relationship even before that, he is still the person in my head, everything I see reminds me of him, I compare everyone to him, and negatively, even though I see his faults, and he has seen mine. Periods of no contact have so far made no difference at all to that feeling that no one can or will 'get' me like he does, because when I see him (infrequently), nothing has changed.

I guess with us maybe one day I will meet someone else and he will suddenly become unimportant. Or maybe one day things will be 'right' for us to try again, but I'm not holding my breath.

Is it mutual? If so then I would tell him to back off or you will tell his wife. Sorry if that seems a bit sledgehammer-like but honestly without NC there is a good chance it will escalate no matter what your head says.

The further you are from this situation, the better you will be able to think about it without that raw emotion clouding your thoughts. It will feel less intense and you will be able to see things more clearly. For your own sanity, I really recommend NC. Even for just a month. See how it goes, you might surprise yourself.

So if you do nc, how do you go about it? Do you say look, for xyz reason I need space from you? Or do you just suddenly stop replying to all messages? Or make up some other reason for going awol?

Mosman, even married people are allowed to have friendships, you know. And I'm perfectly in control of my own actions, thanks. That kind of post is exactly why I was reluctant to say why I can't have him. If he is interested in me, he's definitely far less so than he is in his wife. I know this.