Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to stop wanting someone you can't have?

86 replies

timeforanothernewname · 13/08/2013 19:54

Really tiny problem compared to most on this page, I know.

He's a really, really good friend, and I'd be very sad to lose that, so I don't feel that nc is an option I'd like to take. It's definitely never going to happen, although I've very often felt that there is a strong mutual attraction (never discussed). It's been a long time, and I was happy to go with it whilst it was just an inobtrusive fantasy, but now I often find the impossibility of it all getting me down. :( I'm loath to use the 'love' word but there's definitely a big emotional element, it's not just "I want to shag you" stuff.

I'm aware there's a school of thought that says that these kinds of thoughts only persist because I am choosing to remain engaged with that fantasy. I can see some truth in that. I also don't know how to stop. I don't think I want to be in a relationship, with anyone, so I don't imagine meeting other people would help (or be viable - no time, no money, no childcare).

OP posts:
MexicanHat · 14/08/2013 16:29

Speedos for me I would say it can only be lust. I thought it was love but as time has gone on I realise that he is actually not a very nice person and for many reasons it would never work out between us. Doesn't stop him popping into my head often though. NC and deleting all numbers/emails etc. has definitely helped. I'm just insanely attracted to him when I see him, so frustrating!!

MexicanHat · 14/08/2013 16:33

OP in your situation I would definitely just stop replying to message and/or tell him your busy if he wants to make plans. Do not tell him you need space from him, this is what I did and it opened a huge can of worms.

bbqsummer · 14/08/2013 16:39

timefor, how old are you and how old is this man? I ask because the answers make a difference to how you go about stopping all contact.

currentlyconfuseddotcom · 14/08/2013 16:41

I'm surprised no-one has mentioned limerence Grin

I've been through that before, I honestly think it's when certain areas of your life don't satisfy you and a displacement activity. Hard to shake, though.

raspberriesareforever · 14/08/2013 16:43

place marking as yet another person in the same situation. I've stuck with the fantasy for 4 years. Feeling is most definitely mutual. He's married. I'm no home wrecker but can't wean myself off him. It's wrecked two relationships of mine. Currently trying to go cold turkey for the zillionth time.

Original poster
timeforanothernewname · 14/08/2013 16:46

Hah, currently, limerence is prob best label for it. It has def historically "flared up" when things have been rubbish for me (eg it got me out of a rship that I hadn't recognised as going quite wrong for a while), but increasingly he seems to still figure quite prominently even when everything otherwise feels pretty much great, which is what's troubling me now.

bbq, I'm late twenties, he's early forties.

OP posts:
Original poster
timeforanothernewname · 14/08/2013 16:47

4 years for me too, raspberries.

OP posts:
bootsycollins · 14/08/2013 16:51

Is it just me or do these cases of unrequited love/lust always seem to have their own theme tunes

Bizarre Love Triangle by New Order always springs to mind. I know it's really difficult when there's so much emotion attached and it's not just a case of you wanting to fuck his brains out but I think the old cliche time is a healer is very apt in these circumstances. At least you've got a firm grip on reality here and no aspirations to be the mistress. You'll be ok Thanks

currentlyconfuseddotcom · 14/08/2013 16:52

time it's probably partially that you are not in a relationship, and also that you have an attraction with him. It's a shame that there is not more context to it, i.e. that you spend time with him AND his wife, because that would help get over it.

I do understand also that it's nice 'talking' about it!

bootsycollins · 14/08/2013 16:53

You should concentrate on his faults then magnify them and throw plenty of mental imagery of him farting and having a teeny tiny wiener that looks like a scaled down version of the elephant man Grin

JohFlow · 14/08/2013 17:05

It's a tough thing - but the reality is that he is married and unavailable!

He would only become available once he actually leaves his wife. It is soul-destroying waiting in the hope that that happens. What is compelling you to continually fantasise about him? You say that you think it will never happen and at the moment you are O.K with your relationship status?

You are wise to trust your instincts and to follow you beliefs as regards not wanting to be a 'home wrecker'.

It takes balls; but you need to engage with him in a way that destroys your own fantasy. For example; sneaking in questions about mundane everyday/domestic arrangements. When you are discussing the differences between you; maybe you will get to a place where you build up a fuller picture of what being with him would be like. At the moment you don't see the dribbly pillows in the morning, or celebrate his man-guffs or wipe up his puke (yeah sexy, eh?)

I think we all have a fantasy male figure, but don't let that stop you in the quest to get on with finding your own man xx

Original poster
timeforanothernewname · 14/08/2013 19:36

What is compelling you to continually fantasise about him? You say that you think it will never happen and at the moment you are O.K with your relationship status?

That's a good question. I've thought about it a bit and I suspect it's simply that I have the mental space to do so atm, iyswim (lone parent, quiet evenings alone, which I mostly really relish but they can give me too much time for overthinking nonsense).
Yes, trying to puncture it with mundane stuff is a good idea.

bootsy Grin

currently yes that all makes sense. It's true that when I have spent time with them both together I feel rather different and less wistful/angst-ridden about it all, for a while anyway. As far as I can tell they socialise fairly separately most of the time - not because of any 'she doesn't understand me bla bla' rift, more just because of different working hours and different interests etc.

Weighing up pros and cons of this nc idea. I'm really not keen. Maybe it's something to shelve until/unless I start to feel really desperate or deranged...

Thanks, btw, I'm not sure I've said that but the input has all been terrifically helpful.

OP posts:
CastroIsDead · 14/08/2013 19:58

nc might be worth a try but hasn't worked for me. he's so far away we do text and skype occasionally but there have been periods of nc in the past- doesn't change anything.
11 years for me. and it is love, lust also because he is the most beautiful man ever but its not just that.
i know his faults, I've known him since we were little kids, he is a good person at heart so the little niggles don't matter.
relationship or not doesn't change my feelings for him, its always there and has had a negative impact on all three of my relationship s. its sad

Quiltcover · 14/08/2013 20:04

Do you think it's because he is unattainable? Does this make him more attractive?

In what context are you meeting? Just the two of you? With friends? How do you know that the feeling could be mutual if he wasn't married?

Does he have dc?

He's probably very flattered that a girl in her 20s fancies/idolises him!

MexicanHat · 14/08/2013 20:14

Castro can I ask how often you think about him? Can you really not tell him how you feel?

I've felt this way for a year, that's hard enough, 11 years must be a killer!! I've pretty much learned to live with how I feel, it's just there like a part of me iykwim?

CastroIsDead · 14/08/2013 20:24

i know exactly what you mean, I've learned to live with it, i said up thread i wouldn't be the same person without it- my feelings for him and the hope of being with him one day.
i think about him every single day.
i will tell him, its getting to the point now that i need to but with him being far away im waiting until he comes back.
its the fear that he will say we can never ever be together, this way is less painful. but then i think if anything happened to either of us before i tell him i would regret that so much. i know he won't come running back to me and i wouldn't ask him to so does he need to know? so confusing

Silverfoxballs · 14/08/2013 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WooWoo86 · 14/08/2013 20:32

Mine is my best friend and have been for nearly 8 years, lived together as flat mates for 4 years during uni and had a brief fling. By living with him I know all of his faults and what he's like to live with and it's all very minor things that I could cope with and our outlooks are the same. We only didn't work out because we were just at the wrong point in our lives and wanted fun. Doesn't help remembering how good the sex etc was either.

He's got a partner and I'm single so I'll just live with it. We speak daily and send 10 odd texts a day and see each other twice a week.

He probably knows how I feel as I can't hide anything but he hasn't said anything. I couldn't face NC, I've tried and by about day 2 I give in. I know I can't have him but I couldn't face losing him as a friend.

MrsDoomsPatterson · 14/08/2013 20:53

Get out now before your mental health & confidence is irreparably affected.

Original poster
timeforanothernewname · 14/08/2013 20:55

Oh, lots of these posts have really made me feel quite sad.

Quilt, I'm not sure it's simply the unattainable thing but it's a possibility. We meet in a purely social context, usually just the two of us, less often in a larger group of mutual friends (we were all on a course together). He's pretty much the only one from that group I ever see on a 1:1 basis and I think vice versa. I certainly don't know that, under other circumstances, this would be mutual, but I very often suspect it and I don't think that's something I've ever misjudged before. No, they have no dc (and unlikely to).

Castro, I reckon you should tell him. But that's easy for me to say! And I know exactly what you mean about the possible final 'no' being a worse prospect.

Realistically, I know I don't want to do the mistress thing, and I can't form any coherent fantasy of him divorcing and (later) being with me. (Mainly the idea of hurting his wife completely turns me off, but also I know him well enough to know that that would hurt him, too.) So that's a definite, final 'no' to me. And yet... I don't know. I just want to spend more and more time with him.

I'm also terrified that my thoughts/feelings are a bit creepy. I've been on the receiving end of some fairly impassioned 'unrequited love' thing myself and it didn't feel loving at all, it felt dehumanising tbh. I know that's perhaps about that bloke's behaviour rather than the mere idea of wishing for someone, but I would hate to cross that line myself. Esp wrt someone I consider such a good and generous friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
timeforanothernewname · 14/08/2013 21:07

Agh, it's that 'think I'm in love with my best friend' thread that's done for me. I really really hope things work out wonderfully for that OP - she's obv in a v different situation from me - but it has made me feel so sad to really think about how that will never be me and Z.

OP posts:
feelingvunerable · 14/08/2013 21:33

I think you know that there is no future in this relationship.

At the moment you are blocking out any hope of finding another true love, whilst he has all the comforts of a loving wife at home.

Being the ow is a total loss, don't let it happen.
disengage and find new friends/hobbies.

Chubfuddler · 14/08/2013 21:41

Here you are, a song for you all:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ahha3Cqe_fk&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DAhha3Cqe_fk

Mosman · 15/08/2013 03:32

time married people are allowed friendships with the opposite sex, yours isn't a friendship though is it, if offered the slightest encouragement it would be more and that puts you in an awkward position as you say yourself being the ow horrifies you, but that could very easily happen so remove yourself from that potential disaster.

MrsDoomsPatterson · 15/08/2013 04:26

I think the dangerous line has been crossed & you are having an emotional affair. These are harder, sometimes, to get out of than a purely physical affair. He is in your head & heart. Honestly, no contact is the only way forward. He is enjoying the ego boost of having two women & it is an addiction for you.

Take it from me. Get out. You will look back in a few years at this post and know its right. I promise!